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OH. EM. GEE.

Kim Kartrashinan is pregnant with Kanye's spawn.

1.  Her ASS is going to get so big it will need its own zip code.


This is NOT normal.  She may have to deliver this kid anally.


2.  I hope the baby doesn't get his chin.

3.  Two narcissists who are in love with each other (she with herself, he with himself)

4.  Strategically waiting to make this glorious announcement - New Years Eve ... because Kimye knows how much we, the little people, look forward to their farts and shit.  (I bet if Kris Jenner would find a way to bottle Kim's farts she would, and then everyone on earth would rush to their local department store to purchase it).

4.  A new reality show awaits.

Dear GOD, help us.

FINDING YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE ...

As you all know by now, I am not a "glass half full" person.  I don't necessarily think of myself as a fatalist ... I think of myself as more of a realist.  So, a while back, I was on The Huffington Post and read an article by a gal who had quit her day job and was now living her dream.  Her dream consisted of:  (1) having more time to herself; (2) becoming financially independent; (3) having homes in other parts of the world; and (4) being able to travel.  She has now decided to help the rest of us achieve the same.  Her article goes on to have the reader answer a long list of questions -- FAST -- before you have time to think about it, then you add up your scores and VOILA!  Your life's purpose REVEALED. 

I don't need to take a test to find my life's purpose.   Honey, EVERYONE on earth wants to have more time to themselves, become financially independent, have homes in other parts of the world and be able to travel.  EVERYONE.  And you telling me that if…

SO ....

I just finished sending my resume to ten prospective employers.  If the planets do not align on 12-21-12 and the end of existence as we know it does not occur, I can hope to hear back from any one of these prospective employers approximately ... never.  


While job searching, I happened to stumble onto You Tube where there were lots of helpful videos for the maturejob seeker (aka useless humanoids) on how to interview successfully.  Such as "how to ask the right questions during an interview" or  "how to spin your biggest weakness into a positive and "how to explain resume gaps" (this is crucial because if you've been unemployed more than a hot minute you seriously have some esplainin to do); and my favorite ... "how to negotiate your salary" (LMAO). 
Everyone knows that drones do not negotiate their salaries.

HOUSEWIVES AND OTHER REALITY NUT JOBS ...

Dear Kenya,

YOUR MAN DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU.  PERIOD.

Kenya is suffering from a multitude of issues, mainly malignant narcissism.  She has major issues with her mother who abandoned her and does not acknowledge her to this day.  This would explain her need to compete with and cut down other women and flirt with their men.  Only ... this does not work Kenya ... it just makes people hate you.  Did you get that?  Not jealous.  Hate.  You need to find yourself a good therapist and work this stuff out.  I say this with love in my heart.
Oh ... and p.s. ... you might want to find a good dermatologist. 


Dear Phaedra,

You really need to keep that GIGANTIC ASS of yours covered up.  Seriously. 
Dear Kim,

I have no idea how you hooked such a nice, normal guy because you are such a shameless, foul-mouthed, tranny looking piece of trailer trash who thinks you actually are someone.  LISTEN CAREFULLY .... YOU'RE NOT.   

Dear Alexia,

What you did to Karent was MEAN, MEAN, MEAN.  Yes, she …

DREAMSCAPE ...

There isn't even a word that could possibly describe my dream life.  My dreams are like a parallel universe that I exist in that is ultra bizarre.  I had one the other night that I have not been able to stop thinking about and I keep wondering how I could possibly get it written into a screenplay.

So the premise of the dream is this .... I am living in someone else's reality.  This reality is really dangerous, like life threatening dangerous and I am about to be murdered -- but I have no idea by who/how or where.  All I know is that I have to escape.  The means of escape is through several doors, which will take me into yet another dangerous reality, BUT, if I take the wrong door, I will return to the same reality I have just tried to escape.  So I'm basically fucked no matter which way you look at it.  (Prophetic?)

Scene one:  I am in high rise office building.  I am in the coffee room taking a break.  I'm a temp worker.  The people there don't like me.  As I sit a…

ALL ABOARD!! NEXT STOP ... "DANNYLAND"

It was a typical Sunday afternoon ...

Danny:  "Hon?  I know ... why don't WE make enchiladas tonight?"  (translation from Dannyspeak to English ..."WE" means "YOU").

Me:  "I don't know how to make enchiladas." 

Danny:  "Oh it's real easy."

Me:  "Then why don't YOU make the enchiladas?"

Danny:  "Ha ... ha."

Me:  "Besides, I don't have anything.  I haven't been to the market."

(I had been neglecting my own grocery shopping for the last two weeks because we were going to have Thanksgiving at my sisters and she just got a new job and didn't have the time to do all the shopping so I was helping her out and taking everything to her house, therefore, I had no food in my house which meant that I would have to go to the market to buy EVERYTHING for the enchiladas, then come home and COOK on Sunday ... the traditional day of rest ... but not for Debbie).

Danny:  "No really ... it's rea…

HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS ....

So I caught RHOBH last night and it was rather uneventful (which means that no one set anyone's hair on fire) Lisa and Adrienne met for drinks so that Adrienne could properly apologize to Lisa for accusing her of selling stories to the tabloids.  Adrienne in turn, thought that Lisa should also apologize to her for ... for ... oh something!  Anything. 










 Kim is now sober but still riding the cuckoo-crazy train.  (Me thinks Miss Kim has had way too many chemical peels).



Brandi, whose ex-husband is the super gorgeous Eddie Cibrian, who left her for Leanne Rimes, is very hypercritical of herself ... tragically so.  During a photo shoot she actually got upset because she saw wrinkles on her thumb ...(and don't you know that Leanne Rimes is totally watching every single episode!)  I kind of feel sorry for Brandi but then she does say some seriously off the wall shit.  However, I will always be on the side of any woman who has been betrayed ... it's just basic girl code.  I hope…

EVERYBODY HAS A PLAN ...

So last Friday was a very special night for me as my adorable friend Tina and I went to see a screening of Viggo's lastest film "Everybody Has a Plan." 

This is the first Argentinian film Viggo has done and it is quite a big deal for the Argentinian community because Viggo grew up there and the Argentinian people love him like one of their own.  

Adding to my excitement was the atmosphere ... it was a very sophisticated affair with most everyone speaking Spanish and lots of press and cameras, live music and tango dancers ... I almost felt as though I was really in Argentina. 

There were a lot of VIPs from Argentina, representatives from the Argentinian Consulate and people representing film in Argentina.  I definitely got the feeling that Tina and I were rubbing shoulders with some very famous people in Argentina (even if we didn't know who they were).

As for the movie ... it was fantastic.  It was a special treat for me to get to see Viggo on the big screen bec…

MY LOVE AFFAIR ...

with jam.  It is 11:00 pm and I have been sitting on the couch for half an hour wrestling with the idea of going into the kitchen and making myself a jam sandwich.  I LOVE Jam.  Strawberry Jam.

When I was a kid in school I would anticipate, literally until my mouth watered, the two jam sandwiches I would make for myself when I got home.  Two jam sandwiches on soft white bread. I even put jam on tortillas.  To this day there is no bigger treat for me than a tortilla slathered with jam.


When I first started taking Ambien (the last time I was traversing the Purgatory of unemployment) I was one of those people who exhibited the side effect of nocturnal eating.  I put on 30 lbs.  Partly due to massive consumption of jam filled tortillas.

Now, every morning, I have wheat toast with butter and jam.  EVERY.  MORNING.  I look forward to that on my way to bed ... tomorrow morning I can have my toast and jam (smiley face).  My brother, who teased me mercilessly when I was a teenager, always loved t…

THE VIGGO CHRONICLES (Part X)

When we last left our heroine she was in the midst of an emotional breakdown.  Viggo had left her sitting under a tree with a broken heart.  Unable to process all that she'd told him, he was overcome.  It was perfectly understandable ... let us now return ... to The Viggo Chronicles (Part X) ...

A few weeks had passed.  It was agony.  I had made myself resist the urge to transport to the library out of fear that if I did and he wasn't there it would confirm his disdain for me.  But I also knew that if I found him and was able to talk with him one more time and try to explain, that no matter what happened, I would accept the outcome.  So, with that in mind, I wished...
Deep intake of breath .... I was in the library.  I didn't move or walk ... I just stood where I was and scanned the room.  I didn't see him.  I wanted to look around but I was hesitant to move about and explore.  Maybe I should just go back and return in a few days.  Maybe it was too soon.  Or worse, maybe…

VIGGO ... *sigh*

It's all my fault!  It is!  Because I am a compulsive stalker I have Google Alert email me anytime there is anything new on my boyfriend.  Well .... Google alerted me last night with some disturbing information ... apparently, there is talk that my boyfriend has secretly married.  Yes.  MARRIED.  To HER.  That woman who stole him away from me.  

BUT, since Viggo rarely comments on his personal life it is anyone's guess whether this is true or not.  I'm in a panic.  It sent me into trolling mode.  Google-ing, Bing-ing, and Yahoo-ing all over the internet to find out what I could.  There was nothing other than "rumors" and even the "rumors" were few.  I ran across a story that Viggo had been tweeting fans to pray for his dog who was having surgery.  This CANNOT be true.  Viggo would NEVER have a Tweet account.  He is far too private to tell the world at large his every movement.  


I do know that he has been living with HER in Madrid.  It is ridiculous that …

A RANT (on certain persons that piss me off)

So, we all my know of my hate for (1)Rush Limbaugh and (2) Ann
Coulter.  After Debate No. 3 wherein President Obama basically bitch slapped Governor Romney, the vile Ann Coulter said "I highly approve of Romney's decision to be kind and gentle to the retard." 

I'll say it again .... "I highly approve of Romney's decision to be kind and gentle to the retard."

OPEN LETTER TO ANN (HORSE FACE) COULTER:

Dearest Ann:

I have so many reasons to hate your comment but the BIG ONE is that my beautiful 26 year old stepdaughter has Downs Syndrome.  Now, normally I don't get my panties in a twist over "retard" comments.  I really don't.  But because you are such a hate monger and obviously have no soul I feel perfectly justified in stating how much I hate you, so much so that if something really horrible happened to you I really don't think I'd feel a thing.  That's a lot of hate.  And just think ... I am only ONE person of so, so many who…

"DANCING AT THE SHAME PROM" ...

This Sunday I attended a reading from "Dancing at the Shame Prom" hosted by my amazing friends Amy Ferris and Hollye Dexter.  The evening was a wonderful journey as we listened to many amazing, fantastic, talented women writers read from their essays which compile this amazing book.  Heart wrenching, funny, painful stories that all women can relate to.  Like the woman whose mother was an emotionally abusive and stubborn hoarder, to the other whose father was a cruel alcoholic who terrified and humiliated her.  People and incidents that invalidated and robbed them of them of their worth, their truth and their beauty BUT, through the power of the written word, they found their strength and each one of these women rose like a Phoenix to state her truth and say I AM HERE AND I AM SOMEBODY.  

Each woman recalled her own personal story of shame that crippled and stifled her.  A shame that held her back from really living, loving, and being.  We listen to them as they share th…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VIGGO!!!!

On October 20, 1958 you were born.  Approximately 50 years later, you and I would be in the same room .... TOGETHER in Hollywood, CA.  My heart skipped a beat as you bounded up the aisle to the front of the theater in your t-shirt and jeans and I was struck by love.  When oh when, will you realize that I am your true intended ...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY VIGGO ...

OK folks ... here are some pictures of Viggo's new movie "The Two Faces of January" with Kirsten Dunst.  I CAN'T WAIT!!!  It is a great plot.  Viggo plays a con man who mistakenly (or not) is accused of shooting a police officer and then goes on the run.  It takes place in Greece, Istanbul and Turkey circa 1962.  


Doesn't he look hot in that cool yellow suit!








I LOVE HIM.

AAARRRGGGHHH! ... YES. A rant.

Today is October 17 and it was 94 degrees today which is really starting to piss me off!  IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FALL ALREADY DAMMIT!!!  I am so sick of this freaking hot weather!  I want to wear sweaters again, and socks ... NOT shorts and sleeveless t-shirts.  I look TERRIBLE IN SHORTS AND SLEEVELESS T-SHIRTS.  

Every morning when I get up I open the front door and WHOOM ... I can feel it ... the fucken heat ... like waves assaulting me.  I am certain it is global warming.  When I was a kid summer started in June and lasted until MAYBEmid-September.  Now summer starts in August and NEVER ENDS!!!!!  I feel like I need to buy more summer clothes and Thanksgiving is around the corner. 

As I write, it is 6:30 pm and it's like an oven outside.  I know you people who live where the weather is normal are probably disgusted by my bitching, but trust me, BE GLAD THAT WINTER IS COLD AND SUMMER IS HOT.  It's dependable.  It's NORMAL. Here in California Summer is HOT and winter is H…

RE-RUN ... My First Viggo Kissing Dream ... *SIGH*

Every time I dream about my boyfriend we're in a library or a bookstore (there must be some meaning in this because I love books and reading and Viggo is a published poet and an artist ... I'll have to do some research on this) ... so, in my dream, Viggo and I have established a "friendship/crush" in the library/bookstore of my dreams, SO we're in the library with some students and we're all seriously discussing some deep and esoteric topic and I began to notice that Viggo is a little sad, but flirty at the same time.  Mhmmm.  So, we're all talking and then all of a sudden it was just he and I engaged in a deep conversation. He sat down in the middle of an aisle of books with his long legs stretched out in front of him and he started telling me about how he was having trouble with his girlfriend. She was 49 going on 50 and she had green hair. She was also having serious issues with menopause. "Awwww", I said "I know how that is. You must be…