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Conceited Viggo

You’ll never guess … not in a million years … Viggo came to see me in the ether last night!  It’s been ages!  Sigh.  Our relationship has changed so much over these many years.  Once our encounters were beautiful and magical and full of promise, but now, alas … they are not.

It all started when he wouldn’t take a picture with me in real life.  I drove half way across L.A. to see his movie “Jauja” (which, BTW was the weirdest movie ever) and then he wouldn’t take two seconds to put his arm around me and smile at the camera.  I was shattered.  It was then that my feelings for him began to change.

So, last night out of nowhere he appears!  All dressed up in a beautiful blue suit, no tie, but looking dapper as all get out.  He was happy, gregarious, charming and friendly … to EVERYONE … which, if you know Viggo, like I know Viggo, this not like Viggo at all.  He also seemed very taken with himself (see picture above).

Scene:  Large room.  Many people wandering about.  I know he’s there in the room.  He knows I'm there as well.  It’s always like this.  We are totally aware of each other’s presence, but no contact is made and I am left waiting if he will approach me.  We are in a crowded room, can’t really describe what is going on, but there is definitely some type of event taking place and people are happy and excited.

I contemplate approaching him and saying hello but decide against it.  Even in the ether it's been a long time since we last saw each other so we're both tentative, awkward.  It’s then that the moderator announces that they are going to do something special.  Something that women have never done before and Viggo is going to be the one to do it … to one lucky lady.  That lucky lady was not me, but I was almost glad because the “special thing” was that Viggo was going to shave her FACE.  Whoever came up with this idea was … well, I guess it was somewhat inventive and Viggo seemed to really be into it.  I guess it was entertaining but there was something carnival-ish about it.  So unlike Viggo.  I was disappointed in him.  Just a little. 

Before he goes up on the stage to lather his lady’s face he tells me something … but I cant make it out.  He jumps onto the stage and makes a big to do about shaving this gal and when it’s all over the crowd laughs and claps and everyone is having a good ol time.

Afterward, he finds me and begins speaking to me but for life of me I cannot remember a word he says.  I think that this is because he is not behaving like the Viggo I remember.  The sweet, quiet Viggo from the library.  This Viggo is vain and disingenuous.  Then he tells me that he has to speak to a few people but he promises to come back and get me and then take me to his house.  I am excited at the thought, but as always, I do not want to seem too anxious.  Even though I am not comfortable with this new Viggo, I still have feelings for him.  Or maybe I am remembering the feelings of long ago.  Either way, I really do want to leave with him.  So I wait and I wait and I wait.  He leaves me and does not come back.  I’m stunned!  Embarrassed.  Angry.  I feel like a fool.  Then out of nowhere Danny is at my side.  Danny has NEVER appeared in any of my Viggo encounters in the ether so I’m a little confused.  I’m not unhappy to see him, just surprised.

Then, like lightening, Viggo is at my side again and ready to go.  I look at Danny as he is ready join us to go to Viggo’s house and I give him signals with my eyes and mouthed to him, “no … just me.”  My eyes plead with him not to make a big deal  because I really, really, really wanted to go to his house, but then I turned to Dan and see tears forming in his eyes.  I've never seen him look at me like that ... with overwhelming sadness.  And I feel horrible.  I turn to Viggo and once again he has disappeared!  THAT’S IT!  NEVER AGAIN!  I’m done being your fool Viggo!

I tell Dan to wait for me.  I must find Viggo and tell him what I think of him.  And when I do I scream at him  … how he has known for years of my huge crush on him, how he has played with my emotions time and time again and seriously made a fool of me and now I don’t want to have anything to do with him ever again!  IT’S OVER!!!  I leave him standing where he is and run back to my loving husband and leave with him … my REAL true love.  How could I even have contemplated doing such a thing to Danny is mind-boggling to me.  It’s like I finally woke up!  And I leave that place with my one true love vowing never to return to this crazy, nonsensical situation ever again.  

So dear readers, that’s it.  The Viggo Chronicles are over.  No more adventures in the ether, no more encounters in the library.  It was fun while it lasted but it is now time to move on. 

Goodbye dear Viggo.  I loved you a whole bunch for a long time, but now I don't.  Though I will ALWAYS treasure those moments in the library, it's time to part.  Best of luck to you and I really do hope you win your Oscar one day.  

More adventures in Dannyland ...

So, after donating a kidney to our daughter, Danny now has to seriously watch his sodium intake.  This is serious because when one donates a kidney your blood pressure rises and you do not want this to happen.  And with my husband especially, he does not want to be on blood pressure medication.  It has some nasty side effects like bone pain.  So he's doing all he can to handle this situation by educating himself and trying to buy low sodium products, crackers, chips, etc., et al.  

Once Danny gets on a subject, (e.g., understanding the stock market or wanting to understand the computer better he will research and research and research until he becomes an expert on the subject.)  Likewise with educating himself regarding the sodium content on EVERYTHING which involves reading every single label in the entire store to make sure he's purchasing the product with the absolute LEAST amount of sodium.  This is great.  It is really a good thing and I admire it.  However, NOT WHEN I AM WITH HIM AT THE MARKET.    

I am one of those highly sensitive people who cannot deal with a shitload of people, noise, etc., et al.  So going to Walmart on a Sunday afternoon on a 97 degree day in October to do marketing is just about enough to send me over the edge.  THEN, to have to wait while he reads every freaking label to compare sodium content from brand to brand … well, I am literally ready to put a bullet in my head.  If I'd had Valium on me I would have been popping that shit like candy.  

Meanwhile, as I was strolling in the frozen food section there was a man coming right at me with his cart. I could not get out of his way because there was a man and a woman STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING AISLE to my right making it impossible for me to move, let alone get out of his way.  He then makes snarky remark and I'm like "dude, I can't move!  I've got two people on my right here and you're right in front of me!  Where do you want me to go!?  (FYI, responding to a snarky man in the Walmart is almost equal to asking someone to blow your brains out, but DAMNIT I WAS PISSED!)  

After that little incident I had an immediate, and I mean IMMEDIATE need to visit the ladies room.  Let me put it to you this way … I'm like a puppy.  Once I eat and walk around a little bit I need to "do my business" … BUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.  So, there I am in a Super Walmart which is about the same size of a football field which means I will more than likely have to walk four miles to the nearest bathroom.  IF I don't make it it could be a disastrous situation.  Not to mention that I HATE HATE HATE using a public restroom.  So I ask the nearest Walmart person where the bathroom is.  He mumbles "in front of register 11" … (me thinking … please GOD … do not let Register 11 be four miles away).  I have no time to inform my husband that I'm having a medical emergency because as is Danny's way HE'S DISAPPEARED, so I just walk as fast as possible, sweating the entire time.  I MADE IT.  

So I head back to where I left my old man and find him searching for me in front of the cash registers.  I am literally in front of him and he doesn't see me.  Then I say HEY!  And he tells me "that was really rude.  I was waiting for you and looking for you everywhere.  Why didn't you tell me where you were going?"  BECAUSE YOU WERE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND AND THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CARRY YOUR PHONE! 

So we finish our shopping.  He has become a fan of Ezekiel bread.  Walmart did not have Ezekiel bread.  So after we check out (an hour), get to our car, load car (in 97 degree heat in OCTOBER), and head home he says to me …"you wanna stop a Ralph's to get the Ezekiel bread?"  Allow me to explain my work week.  I began a new job which I really like, but my office is literally an hour and a half drive from my house.  So by Friday I was BEAT.  So NO.  I do not want to stop and get the Ezekiel bread.  Those of you who read my blog know that "no" is NEVER something I can say to Danny.  He will bug and bug and bug and bug and bug and bug and bug as to WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  I can just run in and get the bread.  It'll take two minutes. We can just get it on our way home.  It'll be fast …. then we can go home blah blah blah blah blah,  

Thank you.

2019 Emmys ...

Let's get to it …

Aidy Bryant.  You're at the Emmy's hon.  Wear a gown.  Grade:  D

Alannah Harkin.  Oh Look!  Who would have thought wearing your outfit inside out would be such a fashion risk!  Grade:  F-

Amy Poehler.  Girl … come on.  What is this?  A gold jumpsuit?  The pants are too long, the tie is untied, the hair's a mess providing for an overall slovenly look.  Grade:  F-  

 Bethenny Frankel - Very put together but lacking.  Grade:  C

P.S.  That yellow background sucks!

Chloe Bridges - Beautiful girl, beautiful gown.  I love the sheer top although her hair could have been a bit more glam.  Grade:  A-

Christina Applegate.  This gown kind of looks cheap to me don't you think?  I don't know.  Maybe it's that horrible mustard yellow background that is so unflattering.  Her makeup is good though.  Grade:  D

Emilia Clarke.  Tres, tres chic!  Hair is appropriately slick, jewels are perfect.  Overall - WINNER WINNER WINNER!  Grade:  A

Gail Simmons -  Oh Look!  A dress with windows!  How novel.  NOT.  Grade:  D.

Gwendolyn Christie as St. Jude.  All she's missing is her little flame and a halo. Grade: F-

OK, so there was definitely a pink and orange thing going on at the Emmys.  I love this combination, in the right dress.  

Marisa Tomei - Marisa is an amazing actress but is a little lacking in style.  First of all, the bows are much too floppy.  Her hair is ALL WRONG.  The shoes are WRONG.  The jewelry is WRONG.  Love you Marissa but I gotta give you a D.

MJ Rodriguez - OK.  LOVE the pink HOWEVER … the black bows on the sides look funky.  I think a black waist band might have pulled it together, but maybe not.  Anywhoo …. hair, jewelry and makeup are good.  Grade:  C

Susan Kelechi Watson - Beautiful gown.  Hair is perfect, jewels are perfect the whole look is tres chic1  Grade:  A+

Mandy Moore - LOVE HER!  This is a beautiful gown but the top does not look as though it fits properly.  But I still love it!  Grade:  A.

Taraji P. Hensen - BRILLIANT actress!  However, the open V of this gown is too wide.  That bling around the waist is unnecessary.  I can see her Spanks through the dress and the skirt portion is all wrinkled.  Grade:  C-

 

Indya Moore - This is one sexy looking chick.  I'm getting a kind of Star Wars Meets the Emmys feel and it doesn't work.  Double slits are never a good idea and the top looks like a nursing bra. And she obviously has no chonies on … cochina.  Grade:  F-

Kendall Jenner - Kendall is breathtakingly beautiful HOWEVER, this particular gown would have looked much better with out the oil slick she is wearing.  The floral, strapless gown would have looked so much better.  Grade:  B-

Kim Kardashian looks like a looks like a medieval puta princess.  Do I see areola?) Grade:  C (for cheap?)

Lena Headley - BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!  I LOVE this dress!  Ultra-feminine.  Love the hair, love the makeup, love it all!  Grade:  A

Julia Louis-Dreyfus - No need for a picture.  Just look up the previous 14 Emmy Awards … SAME DRESS/DIFFERENT COLOR.  SMH.

Maya Rudolph wore her grandmother's mourning dress.  Grade:  F

Catherine Zeta-Jones.  HOW MATRONLY CAN A WOMAN LOOK?!  Jesus Christ Catherine!  Cut your freaking hair!  Get some layers or put it up in a sexy loose bun or something.  That pulled back parted-in-the middle look is TIRED.  And just a word of advice, there comes a time in every woman's life when you have to cover up the legs when they are NO LONGER ATTRACTIVE.  And bubble-gum pink is a color for a younger gal.  Grade:  D

Laverne Cox - this gal ALWAYS brings it.  Tres, Tres Haute Couture!  Gorgeous.  Grade:  A

Zoe Kazan.  WHAT.  THE.  FUCK?  She is absolutely adorable and incredibly talented but girlfriend seriously needs to (1) get a mirror and (2) hire a stylist.  Grade:  F- 

Vera Farmiga - Another gal who also chose to wear her grandmother's party dress.  Nothing could help this look.  Grade:  F-

Jameela Jamil - beautiful woman.  The dress is beautiful but I am not feeling that minty green color.  However, the overall look is very glamorous.  Grade:  A

Jodie Comer - Beautiful girl.  Love the hair, love he gown, love the shoes.  Grade:  A

Laura Linney - pants or a dress?  Make up your mind.  Grade:  C-

Bride or Groom?  Grade:  C

Melissa Villasenor - Hometown girl makes good.

Naomi Watts - Love the gown, not the belt.  Hair and makeup are good.  Grade:  A

Niecy Nash - Personally, I'm just glad to see that she isn't wearing a stupid flower in her hair!  Grade:  B

Samantha Bee - looks adorable!  Love this look.  Grade:  A

Sharon Osborne channeling Leona Helmsley, the Queen of Mean.  Sharon has just undergone her fifth facelift therefore she isn't smiling.  She doesn't want to crack.  Dress is quite beautiful and age appropriate.  Grade:  B

Gwyneth Paltrow - The Princess of Hollywood.  Okay but those sleeves!  Are you planning to fly away?  

Sandra Oh.  Lovely - Grade:  A

That's it!  Until 2020 … p.s. my computer was acting up so it things look weird it's not my fault.  Please feel free to comment and mention gowns you loved it hated.  

SMOOCHES!

Repost with a message ....

WOW.  So six years ago this gal posted this picture of herself with a letter to all the ladies who were sending her hate.  This was my response (on behalf of all women who aren't perfect) ….

ALL I CAN SAY IS … IT'S GOOD TO BE RIGHT.  Anyone seeking such perfection, whether it is in how they look, or how much they have, or how brilliant they are, seriously has issues.  The purpose in life is to LIVE it.  Embrace everything.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  We're all here on this planet dealing with a lot of shit.  The thing we SHOULD do is be KIND, COMPASSIONATE, and EMPATHETIC.  Not UNCONSCIOUS, JUDGMENTAL AND OPINIONATED all the while saying LOOK AT ME.  THAT hurts people.  But, it seems Ms. Kang has had an epiphany.  I congratulate her for humbling herself enough to apologize to those she offended.  It takes a big person to admit when they are wrong.  GOOD FOR YOU MARIA.

This original post is from October 2013.

This gal right here … Maria Kang … posted her picture on her Facebook page (because she KNOWS she looks fabulous but more about that later) and got a ton of hate mail for causing "fat shaming."  This was Ms. Maria’s response to the haters.

Maria Kang

I've been getting an influx of new followers, emails and comments (on my profile pic) recently. Some saying I'm a bully, I'm fat-shaming and I need to apologize for the hurt I've caused women. I get it. SO here's my First and Final Apology:

I'm sorry you took an image and resonated with it in such a negative way. I won't go into details that I struggled with my genetics, had an eating disorder, work full time owning two business's, have no nanny, am not naturally skinny and do not work as a personal trainer. I won't even mention how I didn't give into cravings for ice cream, french fries or chocolate while pregnant or use my growing belly as an excuse to be inactive.  

 What I WILL say is this. What you interpret is not MY fault. It's Yours. The first step in owning your life, your body and your destiny is to OWN the thoughts that come out of your own head. I didn't create them. You created them. So if you want to continue 'hating' this image, get used to hating many other things for the rest of your life. You can either blame, complain or obtain a new level of thought by challenging the negative words that come out of your own brain.

With that said, obesity and those who struggle with health-related diseases is literally a 'bigger' issue than this photo. Maybe it's time we stop tip-toeing around people's feelings and get to the point. So What's Your Excuse? - Maria Kang

IS THAT RIGHT?    

Dear Ms. Kang:

I have often found that women like you are usually barfing after every meal while trying to convince the rest of the world that they exercise, eat right and drink lots of water.  Bullshit.  (p.s. you’ve already stated that you had an eating disorder – Bulimia … that right there says a lot).  And how do we know that you’re still not Bulimic?  Anorexics and Bulimics are people who are expert at lying about their dirty secret and have an obsession with being perfect.  They tend to have very black and white viewpoints and are very judgmental of others.  There are never any gray areas in life … except of course, when it pertains to them.  It is a deep self-loathing.  Now there is nothing wrong with wanting to be fit and healthy.  The problem is when you flaunt yourself by posting your picture with the statement “What’s Your Excuse?”  You could have done without that.  It was really snarky and it only pisses people off.  Which I think you know.  But you said it anyway.  Whatever.  

I read that you do not watch t.v., get up at 6 am and work out six days a week for a couple of hours and when you’re at the park with your kids you’re working out, not on your iPhone … like all the fat moms.  OK.  THAT’S YOU.  Other mom’s wanna be on their iPhone while they’re at the park and NOT work out … SO WHAT'S IT TO YOU???  

How can a person run two businesses, raise three kids with NO nanny and still maintain such a serious work out regimen?  You are obviously a control freak.  Now to be quite honest, I was one of those lucky gals with a high metabolism and I never, EVER had to watch my weight.  I was a size 5 almost my entire adult life until I got married at 39 and then I turned into a big, fat cow (ok I’m exaggerating a little but suffice it to say I am no longer a size 5).  The main reason for my weight gain was because I was cooking dinner EVERY.  SINGLE.  DAY.  And then I turned 40.  Turning 40 changes everything.  This is something you would not know because you're not 40.  But you will be.  Soon enough.

When I was young and thin I remember how badly I would feel when people would ask me questions like “DAMN … DON’T YOU EVER EAT?!” or “DAMN, YOU’RE SO TINY!”  It wasn’t a compliment.  It was more like an accusation.  I never worried about my weight or owned a scale.  Now that I’m fat, I understand why others were envious of me.  However, I NEVER flaunted my weight.  EVER.  I’m 56 now and I have a right to be fat if I want to be.  Or not be fat.  But I don’t get on a pedestal and tell other people they shouldn’t be fat.  IT’S CALLED EMPATHY MS. KANG.  

I once had a friend who lied to everyone about how she maintained her weight.  She had everyone convinced that she worked out/ate right/and drank lots of water.  And ALL SHE EVER DID WAS TALK about her body.  All the while she was secretly Anorexic and taking laxatives.  She also had ZERO empathy with regard to ANYONE who was overweight.  She joked/laughed/ridiculed and was basically pretty mean to fat people.  I once told her how I felt and she almost bit my head off by barking “IF I WORK MY ASS OFF TO BE IN SHAPE THEN THEY SHOULD TO!!!!!”  Uh … No they shouldn’t.  People are not fat to personally offend you.  And if we all know how hard it is to lose 10 pounds, can you imagine losing 20 or 30?  I couldn’t stand that about her.  

So Ms. Kang, understand one thing.  People don’t hate you because you’re thin and beautiful.  They hate you because you’re full of yourself.  Anyone who posts six hundred thousand pictures of themselves all over the internet seriously needs to get a grip.  

  

Signed,

Fat in L.A.

 

SMOOCHES!

THE NEW MARIA:

(Taken from MSN website) today (August 2019)

NOW …. six years later, Ms. Kang has grown a heart and lost an ego and has come clean.  

"Dear followers, I'm sorry," Kang, 38, said in a Facebook and Instagram post. "I don't like regrets, but I have a few in life. As I look at my scarred, numb and deflated breasts today, I regret ever thinking they weren't good enough. I fell into the insecurity trap." 

After discussing her years-ago battles with depression, bulimia and body dysmorphia, Kang said it was vanity that led her to objectify her own body and ultimately go under the knife. "I'm sorry for my presence — for unconsciously normalizing an unnatural body standard, not expressing my challenges with body image and not being strong enough to unfix this years ago."

In an interview with Know Your Value, Kang—whose "whole attitude is 'no apologies, no excuses,'"—said her apology wasn't premeditated but felt necessary to share as she recovers from the implant-removal surgery completed on June 27.

"When I sat down to write the post, I didn't think I was going to apologize; I was just writing," said Kang. "But then I saw my scars and I thought, 'What am I feeling in this moment?' And it was, 'I'm sorry.'"

Specifically, Kang felt sorry not only to her own body "for disrespecting it, not honoring it," but also for other women who promote unrealistic standards to others through their messaging. Kang said she's felt that pressure herself—from her pageant days in her 20s through today's "Instagram fitness model" standards.

Kang, who lives in Elk Grove, California, with her husband and sons who are now 10, 9 and 7, had the breast augmentation surgery in 2003. She liked how they looked; she felt they finally gave her the proportions she wanted.

"I had a great physique but it wasn't possible to have breasts while being so lean," Kang said. "That's where I get mad at what I've promoted, because there's nothing natural about that. You can't attain it through fitness."

Though she liked how she looked with the implants, Kang also remembers feeling "disconnected" from that part of her body. She lost sensation in her nipples. And by the time she had the implants removed 16 years later, she had experienced years of what she believes are implant side effects that became worse over the past year: chest pressure, heart palpitations and fatigue.

"I was scared of the surgery and that I wouldn't feel as sexual after, but when I woke up I felt free," Kang said. "It was incredible to feel like, this is my body. All me. I haven't felt like that since [I got the implants] when I was 23."

Kang felt similarly liberated when posting her apology on Tuesday.

"When I clicked 'post' I felt free, the same way I did when I got rid of the boobs," Kang said. "But I also felt vulnerable. I lost a piece of me again, the part that's all about 'no apologies.' But I'm going to own my journey. I can start making a more positive impact."

Kang had already softened her message in 2018, recreating her original "What's your excuse?" photo five years later with a new caption: "What's your reason?" At the time, she told TODAY she felt "it's important to address your excuse, but it's more important to address your motivation"—and that she had become more flexible with her own workout regimen.

Today Kang still believes "I'm body positive in that you have to prioritize eating well and exercising, and that hasn't changed."

But, she added that she now sees "the biggest thing is to treat yourself with love and respect. It's not about how you look, it's about how you feel, and we can't idolize fake physiques while expecting women to feel good about themselves."

AMEN SISTA.