Sunday, December 26, 2010

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT ....


Teena Marie dead at 54. Unbelieveable. What amazing songs she left behind:
Square Biz, Cassanova Brown, Dear Lover, I've Been Here Before, If I Were A Bell (swoon), Ooh la la la. ... she's gone. MUCH TOO SOON. Thank you Teena for all your beautiful words.
Rest in peace.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

MENOPAUSE

It's been raining heavily all day and freezing outside and all I wanna do is take off all my clothes and stand outside in the rain ... naked ... that is how HOT I am. OMG. This midlife b.s. is the worst. I cried on and off all afternoon. Why? No reason, and a million reasons. I was thinking about my mommie who passed away in December, 2005. Christmas has never been the same ... and I can't tell you any more because I'll start crying again ... then, I happened to catch a movie on t.v. ... Someone Like You with Ashley Judd and the most gorgeous man who ever lived, Hugh Jackman ... (except for Viggo of course ... despite the fact that he abandoned me for another woman who is now his new girlfriend and left me with a big ol broken heart). Sobbed through the entire movie. I've also been dealing with a nasty boil on the back of my thigh that hurts like hell. I never knew something could be so painful. I've been expending mountains of energy dealing with the pain and have been unable to walk like a normal person for the last four days. I feel fat, and sweaty and disgusting. OK OK - TMI. But I can't help it. When I write a post and put it "out there", I have no idea who will read it so it's almost like writing in a diary.

Any wise and wonderful ladies out there that have traveled down this road and care to share your stories, please do. Even though I have read all about these symptoms and women today are much more informed on all things female, when it happens to YOU, you still feel ALL ALONE because you're the one driving everyone around you crazy with your hormonal hysteria. It's so embarrassing.
Think about it ... in the life of the average woman, she will experience monthly periods/cramps/migraines/pregnancy/childbirth/PMS/
Menopause, all of it. If she lives to be, say 80 years old, she will have approximately 20 to 30 years of relative sanity. Ages 0-12 are great. Thirteen to 50 .... all the hell begins. After that, for approximately 5 to 10 years, you gotta deal with hot flashes, mood swings, crying jags, the works. Then ... you die. Not fair. Not fair at all.


SMOOCHES!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Meet my friend, Ruben ...

I want you all to meet him ... this is his website:
http://www.heavenlymindedandearthlygood.blogspot.com/

He is a university professor, a Christian, and an amazing guy that I am happy and proud to call my friend. He and his beautiful wife Anita, were in California a few months ago and we visited and talked for 12 solid hours. He is a Christian that can discuss scripture/theology/religious dogma and politics like a human being. He never, ever condescends or patronizes. And he listens. Talking to Ruben is a satisfying exchange of thoughts, ideas, and feelings and you never feel disrespected or patronized ... and that is saying a lot when you consider what discussing politics or religion does to most people LOL!

I am a person of extremes. I can be irreverent and sarcastic and at the same time I am very spiritual. A sometimes practicing, sometimes non-practicing Catholic, but mostly someone who has always read and searched and thought about the deeper issues in life (though you'd never know it by the tone of my blog) and Ruben is someone that I feel so fortunate to know because we essentially agree on so many things that it might surprise a lot of people.

I want to share a quote from Ruben, which I don't think he'd mind. I found this statement so powerful because it is so simple and profound at the same time:

"As a Christian, I have long been humbled by the fact that I cannot prove a single religious doctrine that I consider universal. The only thing I can do is prove my faith by the goodness with which I treat others. That is all of my religion the world can see."
-- Ruben Rivera

Isn't that beautiful?! So please, if you are curious about spiritual matters or you are already strongly rooted in faith, check out his blog. I think you will find it most enlightening.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

THERE IS A GOD

CANCELLED! After only two episodes!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Let's hope it starts a trend ... NEXT, JERSEY SHORE!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

A "REAL" REALITY SHOW

In light of everything that is happening in the country, the end of unemployment benefits for so many at Christmas time, joblessness, tax increases, bailouts, war, war and more war ... I decided to share some of my thoughts and ideas. Tell me what you think ...

Since the Year One, the "have nots" have always wondered what it would be like to be "a have". I am a "have not". Well, not really, but compared to Snooki, I am. So ... I was watching Joy Behar the other night and lo and behold, there is yet another celebrity reality series about to debut ... David Hasselhoff (of drunken "eating a hamburger off the floor" fame) and his two, hot chick daughters are coming to a channel near you. I found myself completely dumbfounded. WHY? I don't know why. All I can tell you is that I was aghast at the thought that this moronic has been has been given a reality show. And though I religiously watch The Housewives and Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab ... David Hasselhoff is somehow ... not the same.
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times ... LET ME PITCH A REALITY SHOW!!!!! I suggested The Housewives of East L.A. ...instead of watching a bunch of botoxed blondes hiss at each other you could watch a gaggle of E.L.A. LOCAS go at it. BUT NOOOOO. No one took me seriously. So how about this idea:
Take someone like Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Rush Limbaugh, Donald Trump ... basically any super rich, spoiled, immature, greedy creatin/right wing politico and take away all their $$$$$, their perks, their botox and personal makeup artists/stylists, Brazilian blowouts, $5,000 suits, Chanel bags, limo drivers - (you get the picture) and give them a working person's salary, say $35,000 a year. Make them pay rent, or a mortgage. Give them two kids and a spouse, or let them be single with a kid or no kid at all. They can have a savings but not millions and millions. Maybe $2,000 - and that's being generous. Then give them all the issues/problems/stresses of an average working person. Health insurance, car problems, rent going up, mortgage problems, kids getting sick, etc., the regular crap that happens to people on a daily basis. Then, make them do YOUR job every day, for a year. Whether it's working at Starbucks or working in an office or driving a truck for UPS. Realize that you will probably NEVER get a raise, but your taxes, rent and everything else will continue to go up. Everyone they encounter CANNOT treat them like they're someone special/rich/famous, therefore they have to deal with superiors, co-workers, etc., without the benefit of having ANY IMPORTANT CONTACTS WHATSOEVER. They cannot reach out to that famous attorney, or influential friends, etc., et al. Oh, and no spreading your legs for Playboy either ... the average gal doesn't have those kinds of contacts anyway. Basically, they're on their own and have to deal with life like a regular person. Put up with horrible bosses and impossible co-workers. THEN, watch them maneuver that life for a while ... say a month or two then BAM! Lay them off AND GIVE THEM 6 MONTHS of unemployment insurance with maybe, oh, let's say, two job interviews in the course of six months to a year and watch while they go through the frustrating process of filling out applications on-line (because that is the only way to get a job these days, and remember, many employers have right on their job post statements like "we are only looking to interview people who are currently employed" .... cause you unemployed people are too desperate and you suck). Watch, as they send their resumes into cyberspace. Watch as they wait for a phone call or something in the mail with a prospective interview. Watch ... when they don't. Watch! When they get A CALL! AN INTERVIEW! They schedule it. Drive to it. Pay for parking. Then they're tested for approximately two hours. Then it's over and you wait, and wait and wait. For weeks and weeks and sometime more weeks. Then, if you've interviewed at a "nice" organization, they'll send you a letter telling you they have hired someone for that position and good luck to you. However, nine times outta ten, you NEVER hear back from anyone ... just ADD WATER, MIX AND REPEAT ... 17,000 TIMES. Watch the once spoiled, wealthy, ungrateful deal with the stress of applying for job after job after job never, ever, knowing if anyone saw your resume, read it, considered it or laughed manically as they threw it into the circular file. Let's see how they pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Oh oh, two more weeks of unemployment .... rent/mortgage due .... babies to feed .... xmas coming.

The point of this reality show? The uber rich/ultra conservative politician hopefully learns compassion and understands, from the heart, that not everyone out there on unemployment (a) doesn't want to get a job; (b) has no ambition; (c) just sits at home and waits for their check. I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW THAT STATEMENT PISSES ME OFF. Those of you who read my blog know that I was unemployed for two years after being laid off in May 2008. So come on Kim, Paris, Donald Trump - who wants to take me on? Do America a favor ... let us watch YOU suffer for a change. You'll always have your fabulous life to return to ... the rest of America however, doesn't.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

And please everyone, make it a point to watch the CNN HEROES PROGRAM tomorrow night. It will inspire you and fill you with awe at the amazing things one human being can do for his fellow man.

Blessings everyone!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Another Hollywood Divorce


Eva, Eva, Eva ... I'm so sorry my love, but what did you expect?

You married a puppy. You should have listened to me ...


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I saw the Queen on Fox TV ...

She sure is pretty ... in a "mommy" sort of way. Not in a Governor or President way. Pleeeeeze God, No. Sarah Palin has five kids, one with Downs Syndrome. How in the world does she think she's going to run the world with all those kids? And you know she's gonna run in 2012, right after her reality series comes to an end. You know, the one all about Alaaaaaska. But, if George W was able to do it for eight years, I guess anyone can. Even me.

All I can tell you is that I lost my job under George W. I was out of work for two years and survived only because Obama kept extending unemployment benefits. If it weren't for that I'd probably be living in someone's garage right now. Thank you Mr. PRESIDENT ... anywhoo, the republicans now have the house and now everything will be ALL BETTER (and I'm sure it'll happen within ... ooooh, 2 month tops cause you know those republicans ... they know how to get things done.
*Sigh* ... it's all so depressing.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Atlanta Housewives - IT JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER ...

Well, MISS PHAEDRA treated all of us to her session of very personal and special pregnancy photographs.

Composition of photo? Apollo feeding Phaedra a ginormous pickle (oh my ... there are sooooo many things I can say right now ... especially if your old man has been in "the joint").


Miss Phaedra believes that ...."pregnancy photographs are sooooo artistic ....(especially when SHE'S in them).

OKAY, It's only been two episodes and I totally cannot stand her.


And Sheree, your doctor is NOT a doctor. Trust me my love. HOW DO I KNOW? I KNOW. He's a charlatan. A phony, a fake. First of all, he invites Sheree over to "his friend's apartment" (?????) (right there I'd be all WTF?!) His explanation? He's bi-coastal. Uh-huh. My translation: "the dude's got no pad of his own".


So, the original plan was to invite her over and he would cook her dinner. But when she gets there, he ends up getting Miss Sheree to slice up some strawberries and then help him make a batch of cookies. GIRL! WAKE UP!!!!! Honestly, I can't figure out why she continues to see him! Is it because she really thinks he's a doctor and there's potential there? Or is it because she thinks he's really good lookin'? Personally, I find him really creepy. Well, whatever the case may be, I'm fairly certain that this is a bomb just waiting to go off ... AND I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL IT DOES!



KABOOM!

Friday, October 15, 2010

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Well, it's been a big week for divorce. Everyone seems to be doing it.

Vicki Gunvalson (aka Miss Piggy) - how anyone could stay married to this broad for even half a minute is beyond me. Donn - you deserve a medal my friend. I think you should consider hooking up with Jeanna Keough. She deserves a NICE man and she's not such a ball buster. AND, she is an ex-Playmate. Not bad. Sounds like a match made in heaven. But she does have those two HORRIBLE boys. (p.s. to Jeanna - you need to dot both their eyes out). As for you Vicki, I hope all your millions keep you warm at night ... (p.s. P-R-O-Z-A-C. Just a thought).


Camille Grammer - Kelsey's soon-to-be ex-wife and cast member on Housewives of Beverly Hills. On the Beverly Hills Housewives bio it says she's an ex-dancer ... (does this include a pole?) I saw her on the Housewives and all I can say is ... she really knows how to writhe. And I would suggest that instead of botoxing the hell outta your face you should have your eyes done ... your EYEBALLS that is. Is it just me or she cross-eyed? This broad has two kids and FOUR nannies but she wants all of us to know that even though she has four nannies it doesn't mean she's not around ... okay Camille.

Christina Aguilera - don't laugh but this one surprised me. And though I really can't stand this little Diva, I somehow thought these two would be married a long time... kinda like Ann Margret and Roger Davis. Too bad. It's always sad when little ones are involved. (P.S. I don't wanna be mean, but is that the butt-ugliest guy you've ever seen?) I guess it's safe to say she really did love him. Only love could look beyond that nose and those ears. (ok ok - I'm gonna go to confession right after I finish this post).


Cat - The D.C. Housewife and soon-to-be ex-wife of official White House photographer. A Brit in America. Of all the Housewives, the D.C. Housewives is one I don't watch that often. I didn't like her much but now I do because she's hilarious and tells it like it is. Totally gets in the face of Michaele Salahi (White House dinner crasher and totally delusional), anywho, only mention her cause she's on her way to divorce court too.

Courtney Cox and David Arquette - beautiful gal, but she's so damn serious. I always wondered what the hell she saw in him. He's such a gigantic goof ball. But, he does have a connection to my boyfriend (his sister is Patricia Arquette and she played Viggo's girlfriend/wife in The Indian Runner - a must see for all Viggofiles). By Hollywood standards these two were married a aeon ... 11 years. Apparently, she got tired of "being his mother". Courtney, Courtney, Courtney ... that's what being a wife is ...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

UGH! I've had just about enough of these two ...

Demi and Ashton - Class Couple

1. How old is this woman? I'll tell you how old she is ... she's PUSHING 50. FIFTY and she fucking tweets pictures of her and her boy-toy husband in bed so we'll know that:

(a) they're not separating;

(b) having trouble in paradise; or

(c) that stud muffin Ashton isn't boinking younger broads.


Demi, seriously girlfriend. What do you think ... all us old broads out here wished we looked like you and had a 32 year old puppy for a husband. You think we look at your tweets and think "AWWWWW ... HOW CUTE THEY ARE! We wanna be just like them. Well, let me tell you ... we DON'T. You're an idiot. I mean, I'm sure the sex is hot and super fantastic but girlfriend, you're 47, he's 32. THIRTY-TWO. When you're 50 he'll be 35. IN HIS MANLY PRIME. HE'S A BOY TOY. A BOY YOU TOY WITH ... NOT MARRY. And I don't care how much botox and plastic surgery you get, your lady thing is gonna dry up and you're going to head down that miserable road all old broads must face ... MENOPAUSE. There ain't no stopping it. And another thing, tweeting everytime the two of you fart is not necessary to know in life. So please ... go away and make a movie or something.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A RE-RUN ... BECAUSE I SAW GINO VANNELLI LIVE!

I don't know what it is, but it all started a few years ago with my Viggo. And let me say right here that Viggo will always be my No. 1 Fantasy Boyfriend, BUT lately ... I've been getting these unbelievable big ol crushes on guys from the 1970's and I completely JONES over them. Right now my big ol crush is on Gino Vannelli. My husband bought me an IPOD and I always loved Gino Vannelli's music so I downloaded a ton of it and now I cannot stop listening to him and thinking about him and wanting to be his girlfriend. Seriously.

It's obsession verging on madness. But look at him! He's the typical sex god from the 70's. Big hair, tight pants, hairy chest. And his songs ... his lyrics are very sexy and deep ... he literally make me swoon.

A while back I was in love with Robert Lamm of Chicago. I searched the Internet like a madwoman trying to find pictures, video, any information on him I could possibly find ... totally obsessed.
It's like I am suffering from some form of latent teenage lust. So I asked my sister WTF is this all about because she's a RN and I thought she could give me a medical/psychological reason. She told me "you're horny".

SO, back to my original question ... does this ever happen to you? Please let me know. Send me your comments, your stories and the names of your crushes. Help a middle aged sister out ... I can't be the only one out there.

I await your stories and comments with anticipation ... SMOOCHES!

Friday, September 17, 2010

More discussion on middle age ... (not for the squeamish)

I was emailing my sister from work today while in between doing "very important work" and I just had to mention to her that I had the amazing ability to let one rip for a good two minutes. Yes. You heard me correctly. TWO. SOLID. MINUTES. I could probably propel myself to impressive distances if I could just figure out a way to fashion a suit with wings and make it work to my advantage. This is just one more frustrating symptom of becoming an old bag. The bloating, the distended belly, and the need to let it go ... or die. Sometimes I want to tell people ..."you know, I'm not really this fat. I just need to be pierced". I once saw a documentary about these sheep and if they ate too much alfalfa they would actually bloat to the point where the sheepherder had to stick this gigantic needle into their bellies to let the gas out or they'd die. Swear. You could actually hear the gas seeping Ssssssss from their bellies. IF ONLY they could do that for people.

Then I thought, hey ... what if they used me as a form of torture? Instead of water boarding they could just use me and others like me ... and believe me ... IT WOULD BE torture. Which then prompted my sister to tell me about a movie she once saw about a bunch of inept super heroes called "Mystery Men" and how one of the super heros was called Fartman. I've never seen this particular film because it isn't my type of movie but according to her it's hilarious. So then began an exchange which went on for a good two hours about farts, bloating and thought provoking film versus those like Fartman.

And that's all I have to say about that ... I know I haven't posted in quite a while because I've been so busy and then I got really sick and I missed a few days of work and I have no time to devote to my blog, which is a big ol bummer. So folks, though it was a short one ... and though I can't say it was sweet, at least you're at a safe, safe distance. Until later ....



SMOOCHES!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

2010 EMMY AWARDS RED CARPET LOOKS

Once again it is that time of year for all us slugs to watch the beautiful people being beautiful. The one and only Kate Gosselin of "Jon & Kate plus 8 plus 56 other kids and a set of twins", was in attendance at the Emmys in basic black with an up do. I hate this broad. Grade: F-
now GO AWAY.





Beautiful Jewel. I give her an A+ ... cause she's pretty and I like her.

Actress Toni Colette. Fantastic actress with unbelieveably bad taste. Sometimes these choices can really boggle one's mind. Picture this ... she walks into the dressing room, tries it on and falls in love. That is the ugliest rag I've ever seen ... I wouldn't be buried in it. Grade: F- to the negative 1. OFF THE CHARTS UGLY.

I had this exact same dress in the 1990's, except it was shorter and had a little bolero jacket. Not impressed. Grade: D-

January Jones of Mad Men. Awwww, NO. Hair: bad, Shoes: bad, Dress: bad. Overall Grade: BAD.

Christina Hendrick's from Mad Men. Everyone is always raving about this gal's "curves" but to me she just looks like fat chick with gigantic boobs that she should (a) hide; (b) cover up; or (c) get reduced. And while you're at it .... get a tan, jeez.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COUPLE AT THE EMMYS. Ari Nicole Parker and hubby Boris Kodjoe. Grade: A+ ... (think i want him ... that is one beautiful man).

Kimmie Kardashian, in virginal white. Perfection. Grade: A+

This little girl obviously bought her dress at that fabulously chic boutique, Windsor (found in malls across the country) ... I don't know who she is but someone should have told her something.



Grade: C- (only cause she's young) ... It looks like she wore her mother's prom dress ... from1982.
















WORST DRESSED COUPLE AT THE EMMYS. Obviously rented their outfits and boyfriend didn't have enough money to rent matching shoes.

Grade: F-


Mama Kardashian looks like an amazon next petite Eva Longoria and daughter Kim.





Grade: D-

(only cause she bugs me)











YES HEIDI, WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE A SIZE 2 and you you've had four kids and you have great legs and you can wear an itty, bitty, teeny, tiny dress and you get an F cause you're just too fuckin' happy.

until next year darlings .... Au Revoir!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

DR. LAURA ENDS RADIO SHOW!


HALLALUJAH!!!!! and so long you hypocritical, miserable B***h!




Now, all we gotta do is get Rush "Fatboy" Limbaugh off the air!!!!


Sunday, August 15, 2010

Electrolysis anyone?

Geeze louise, get some electrolysis on that forehead for God's sake! You can't tell where your eyebrows finish and your hairline starts! Yikes! You look like you're half Italian and half neanderthal. I'm just sayin'

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Restrepo


Yesterday was the first Saturday in quite a while that we haven't HAD anything to do but enjoy so we had a date and went to the movies then had dinner and drinks. Danny picked the movie. I wasn't sure about it because it's a serious documentary about the war in Afghanistan and I didn't want to be bummed out, but I saw it and was riveted to the screen. We went to see "Restrepo", a documentary about the battle in the Korengal Valley in Afghanistan, the most dangerous place on Earth. All I can say is that if you want to learn something, go and see it. When I think about all the reality shows on T.V. and all the narcissistic idiots out there making tons and tons of money, and then you see these soldiers, these young guys with their entire lives ahead of them, some who won't come home, you realize that these are the the guys that should be handed a million dollars, given a beautiful home and free health care for the rest of their lives because they literally, have balls of steel. It is heartbreaking and inspiring what these young men do and all I could think about were the blow-hards like Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck who profess to love America and wonder to myself ... how would YOU handle being in a situation like that? Rush sits in a nice comfy studio making billions of dollars while he pontificates and spews nothing but vitriol and hatred. Put on a uniform, grab a machine gun and go protect the America you love so much Rush ... you big overfed pig. The movie is a real depiction of war. War is war. Nothing is ever gained or won from war. You see the Afghan people who are terrified of the Taliban and pissed at the Americans. They have NO POWER at all. None. For me, it comes down to being a human being. Right/left, Conservative/liberal ... it's all B.S. When you put your life on the line like these guys with a machine gun in your hand and take fire 24/7 it becomes clear who loves America. THESE ARE THE GUYS THAT LOVE AMERICA. At dinner, Dan and I toasted them all, pobrecitos, who are far from home and fighting. Cold, hungry, suffering, hot, working, grieving, and more than anything, wanting to come home. THANK YOU DEAR SOLDIERS. THANKS TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. We could never, ever thank you enough ... God bless you all.














IT'S OSCAR NIGHT!!!

  Hollywood's big night has arrived!  I've seen a few of the nominated movies.  Barbie - don't know why it was nominated; Americ...