A NEW RANT ...

 Hilaria Baldwin (wife of Alec).  Truthfully, I wanted to do a post on her years ago because I got tired of her freaking yoga poses all over the internet but I didn't think anyone would know who she was.  Well, now girlfriend is being accused of faking a Spanish accent and telling everyone she was born in Mallorca, Spain.  I hate a phoney.  And I guess Alec goes along with this story, but I can't imagine why.

So, yeah. Hilaria aka Hillary, was actually born in Boston.  She's not European.  She's not Spanish.  She not anything.  She's basically just a rich white girl.  

She is also in love with herself.

So funny.  This is EXACTLY how I clean my kitchen.

Yeah.  We know.  You're a great lay. 

 

OK Hilaria.  Now you're getting weird.

FYI ... doing yoga while cooking makes your dishes taste extra yummy.

And last, but not least, the post-pregnancy photo.  After delivering her fifth child.  Yeah.  Just doing her part to make average women everywhere want to commit suicide.  Thank you.

Well my love, you have seriously been busted.  You're just an attention seeking media whore who speaks with a fake Spanish accent.  

                            THE END

MOMMY ...

I lost my mother on December 14, 2005.  She has been gone for fifteen years now and I still think about her every day.  My mother's death affected me in ways I never expected.  It was very strange because I believe in the after life and yet all I could think about was 'where did she go?'  She was here, and then she wasn't.     

The finality of death is heartbreaking.  Months and months after she died I would still cry and cry until I feared I would never stop.  I have dreamt of her, but most of the time my dreams are not what I want to dream.  My dreams are usually of me screaming at her for leaving us and she is very confused and doesn't understand why I am yelling at her because she is so happy where she is.  The dreams are very disturbing to me and make me feel terrible, and I wonder why I never dream about the two of us simply walking together, holding hands and talking.    

Today something very odd happened.  I had to make a run to the market and I decided to take my mother some flowers.  I picked up some poinsettias for her and on the way home made a stop at the cemetery. I took the flowers to her headstone and placed them there and spoke to her for a little while when all of a sudden I looked back at my car and there was something red sitting on the roof of my car.  I looked and saw that it was a bird.  But a bird I have NEVER seen here in California.  This bird had a flaming red breast!  I have NEVER seen a red breasted bird in my life.  I have always wanted to see a Cardinal, but they are not indigenous to California.  So I'm looking at this bird and I'm thinking, we don't have red breasted birds here.  Then that little bird flew right past me inches from my face and landed on a candy cane that was sitting on a grave nearby.  It was SO RED!  Then she flew into a tree and past me again!  I was marveling at this bird flitting back and forth when I thought ... Mom?

This is very close to the bird I saw.  I just Googled red breasted birds in California and nothing like this bird showed up.  

I would like to think it was a sign.  A message from my mother.  That she knew I was visiting her grave and she knew I was leaving her Christmas flowers.  At least, I hope so. 

Merry Christmas Mommie.  I love and and miss you so much.  Until we meet again ...

A RANT ...

 Gwyneth Paltrow.  

So, apparently Gwyneth was interviewed recently and she explained why she no longer makes movies.  

Gwyneth Paltrow on why she stepped away from acting: 'It's just not who I am'

"I think that when you hit the bullseye when you're 26 years old and you're a metrics-driven person who frankly doesn't love acting that much as it turns out... It wasn't like I felt like this isn't worth doing, I felt like, well now who am I supposed to be? What am I driving towards?

Yeah Gwynnie.  I totally get it.  I'm a metrics-driven person too and, well ... I too felt like, well, now what am I supposed to do because I don't like my job either ... you know, just like you ... but I'M NOT A RICH FKN MOVIE STAR WHICH MEANS THAT I STILL HAVE TO WORK FOR A BUNCH OF MORONS, SO YEAH.  

"So if you compound those things with the fact that like, you know, to be totally candid, I had a really rough boss for most of my movie career at Miramax," she said. "Like, so you take all those things."

Yeah Gwynnie.  I get that too.  I know what an awful boss is.  You know, like didn't you hate it when Harvey Weinstein made you go get his lunch every day?  That sucks huh.  Especially after winning an Oscar.  Yeah girl, I totally get you.  

And this is how us poor gals steam our vaginas Gwynnie.

NEXT ...

This little twit right here ... Olivia Jade who's parents paid $50,000 to get her uneducated ass into USC and got caught.  Well, now Miss Olivia went on Jada's stupid Red Table to talk about her mommy and daddy going to jail and asking to be forgiven and given a second chance because she had no idea how privileged she was and now she does.  

Well, Jada's mama wasn't having it.  She basically said that this little girl's life will turn out just fine.  She will suffer no repercussions, her parents will get out of jail and they will still be rich.  Ms. Olivia Jade just needs to do this PR groveling stunt in order to get her old "job" back which is her Youtube vlog B.S.  So, yeah .... good luck with that you little shit.

NEXT ...

PREGNANCY PICTURES ... WHY?

The bitch who started it all.

The Cartoon Pregnancy

The Queen Pregnancy

Oh Lord ...

Personally, I miss the days when ladies covered this shit up.

NEXT ...

Heidi FKN Klum got married.  Again. 

So his is her first wedding to her third husband ....

Personally I find him really creepy looking.

And this is her second wedding to her third husband (because one wedding is not enough).  

WISHING YOU MANY HAPPY MONTHS TOGETHER ... 

People who whine when they don't get awards ....

 

                                 The Weekend

FIRST, "The Weekend" ... stupidest name ever.  Anywho, boyfriend was pissed off because he did not receive a single Grammy nomination.  BOO-FUCKIN-HOO.  What an imperial little prick.  Maybe you didn't deserve a Grammy nomination this year pal.  Did you ever think of that?

NO.  Soon after learning he'd been passed over, the man born as Abel Tesfaye voiced his frustration on Twitter.

"The Grammys remain corrupt. You owe me, my fans and the industry transparency..." he tweeted Tuesday afternoon.

Remind you of anyone? 

  

What the hell would this freaking crybaby do in the REAL WORLD?  JEEZ!  I never went to the prom and you don't see me crying!  Someone needs to be bitch slapped.  

NEXT

Now for your enjoyment at home, a "Danny-ism" ...

So, I get into bed.  Danny is already snoring.  Then, out of nowhere, the LOUDEST, LONGEST FART I've ever heard!

Me:        DAN!!!!  JEEZ!!!  Gimme a warning or something!!  UGH!!

Danny:   I'm releasing the Covid.

NEXT

So y'all know that Dan snores like a freight train and I never, ever, EVER get a good night's sleep.  In fact, slept in the guest room last night because if I didn't I might have shoved a sock in his mouth.  So, I just saw this ad ... and for a moment, a brief shining moment, I felt that my sleepless nights would now be over!  Until I clicked on the ad ...

QuietOn Snore Cancelling Earbuds Sale Offer

4.5 star rating32 Reviews

$249.95$199.00

Free Standard Shipping

YEAH.  Like I'm going to pay ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE FREAKING DOLLARS for ear plugs!  AND THAT'S THE SALE PRICE!  Assholes.  Getting my hopes all up for nothing.  

And, last but not least, Megan had a miscarriage.  I don't mean to come off insensitive or anything, but you know what I think?  I think Megan must have a gold box in order to get Prince Harry to renounce his entire life and live with her in California.  I mean, this is some serious breaking from tradition.  Like hundreds and hundreds of years of tradition.  Oh, and by the way, I had a miscarriage too.  

With that said, I hope all you peeps have a very happy Thanksgiving.  Wear your mask if you're out and about and stay safe!  

AHHH SHADDDDUP! (Sylvester hits Foghorn Leghorn with Axe Handle)

Foghorn Leghorn - Ah Shaddap!! Moments

Road rage and other things ...

 

SO, the other day I had to make a run to the market.  I got on the road and was messing with the radio dial when I realized I was going too slow.  How did I realize this?  Because there was an asshole on my bumper.  "Oh shit!" I thought and  sped up because I also hate being behind a Sunday driver.  However, the guy behind me was pissed! He then tried to pass me on the right!  This was a bonehead move because I was in the right lane.  He was trying to squeeze between my car and the curb at 50 mph.

Now I'm thinking "oh fuck" ... so I sped up to get ahead of him and to avoid him sideswiping me.  THEN, he jumps into the left lane and speeds up and gets in front of me and slams on his brakes!  So I have to slow down.  Then he speeds up again.  He's basically fucking with me!  SMH.  I am too old for this shit.  

There were other cars on the road witnessing this.  At one point, the passenger, a skinny little girl was hanging out of the car flipping me off and blowing me kisses and laughing.  Then the driver swerved into my lane again and I thought for sure he was going to hit me.  Other drivers were freaking out and I was REALLY scared.  He then raced ahead and stopped again!  I had to also stop.  He starts ahead fast, then slams on his breaks again.  So I have to slam on my brakes.  Then he just waits for me.  People, I gotta tell you I was scared shitless this asshole was going to pull out a gun and blast me.  I was able to avoid him by cutting through a parking lot for a Starbucks and got to the main boulevard, but honestly, my heart was pounding and I was scared shitless they'd find me.

THIS IS WHY I HATE PEOPLE!  Honest to God I never antagonize ANYONE because people phuckin' scare the shit outta me and there are literally tons of assholes who will kill you over nothing.  Why do you want to mess with an old lady?  You scared me and I had to go home and a take a Xanax and that's not funny.  It seems like there are more and more assholes on the road.  Or is it just me?  OK OK!  I was going too slow but then I realized it.  Cut me some slack.  

And FYI ... when I got home I watched an hours worth of road rage videos on youtube.

NEXT ...

So I have some updates from my dirty TV.  I've been watching "Marrying Millions," a reality show profiling several couples.  One party is rich and the other is not. 

Meet Bri and Bill - She's 21, he's 61.  

He's been married twice before, both of his ex-wives are still in the picture.  He wants everyone to be a big happy family.  Meanwhile, Bri is a little Mexican-American girl who worked in a restaurant as a hostess when she met Bill, the billionaire.  She is 21 but could easily pass for 14.  She's sweet and pretty and I cannot for the life of me figure out what she sees in this old fart.  I KNOW I KNOW ... he's loaded, but I don't get a gold digger vibe from her, although now that we're into season 2, a girl could absolutely get used to being treated like a queen where money is no option.  She really should break up with this old fart, but I don't know if she can.  She may have been spoiled beyond return.  Regular might not cut it for her anymore.  

On the flip side we have Noni and Reese.  She's loaded, he lives in his truck.

Noni is a very successful business woman in Portland and she lives in a modern mansion.  Reese likes to skateboard and sleep under freeway bridges when he's not sleeping in his truck.  Reese's family HATES Noni because she's old and can't bear children.  Reese is really in love with Noni and has no interest in her money.  He loves that she doesn't give him shit about having no job and leaves him alone regarding his love of skateboarding.  Noni recently suggested to Reese that he move in with her.  Noni is crazy.  

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST ....

Today is Gwyneth Paltrow's 48th birthday (AWWWW) .... so she's decided to take a picture of herself in her "Birthday Suit" -- get it?  Birthday Suit?  Naked?  HA HA.  Only Gwynnie.  

Because in REAL LIFE how many 48 year olds would pose naked in their backyard on their 48th birthday?  You know how many?  NONE!  NO ONE!  Know why?  BECAUSE NO NORMAL 48 YEAR OLD LOOKS LIKE THAT and GWYNETH KNOWS IT.  HA HA Look at me!  No body fat!  I'm pretty!  You're not!  Someone needs to be bitch slapped.

                                                PLEASE GET OVER YOURSELF.

Thank you for supporting my bitching.  😀

Falling by Viggo Mortensen

Post-surgery update ...

So, mama had her reproductive organs removed last week.  I have been moving VERY SLOWLY and have been on pain meds which is great but there is a nagging pain on my left side where I had a gigantic fibroid the size of a baby.  This thing turned out to be twice as big as originally thought hence the pain on the left.  Surgeon had to move a lot of shit around and IT HURTS!  

The Mister took family leave to help me out and he has been doing all the cooking/dishes/laundry ... he's basically been me for the last seven days and I must say that on a scale from one to 10 he's been an 8.  And THAT'S A GOOD score for recuperating in Dannyland.  HOWEVER ....

I do seem to get getting very winded answering his questions nine thousand times a day which then makes me light headed and then I have to lay down to rest and basically all of this could be avoided if it went like this:

I ASK A QUESTION.

DAN ANSWERS QUESTION.

I ASK A QUESTION.

DAN ANSWERS QUESTION (GET IT?)  Kind of like volleyball.


That is not what has been happening.  It's been more like this:


Me:  Honey, can you bring me my phone?

Dan:  You want your phone?

Me:  Yes.

Dan:  Why do you want your phone?

GOD HELP ME.

Me:  I need to make a phone call.

Dan:  You need to make a phone call?

Me:  YES.

Dan:  Where is your phone?

GETTING FAINT.



NEXT TOPIC ....

Me:  Honey, can you bring me some water?

Dan:  You want water?

Me:  Yes.

Dan:  Why do you want water?

Me:  To take my pills.

Dan:  You need to take your pills?

Me:  (sigh) ... yes.

Dan:  Where is the water?

I CAN'T.



PRAY FOR ME.

THE BITCH FROM HELL ...

Yes.  I worked for her.  She was demanding, condescending, pretentious, arrogant, basically impossible to please.  I knew from the moment I met her and interviewed with her that SHE would be the pain in my ass.  And she was.  I was hired to work 9:00 to 5:30 but because I took public transportation I would always arrive in the office early, about 8:30 am.  ONE DAY, when I actually arrived at my scheduled time of 9:00 am, she yelled from her office ... "Debbie!  What are your hours!?"  Implying that I was late.  I cannot tell you how much satisfaction I felt when I answered NINE TO FIVE-THIRTY ... BITCH.

EVERYONE in the office hated her.  All my co-workers would constantly ask me "OMG How can you work for her!  She's so mean!"  Yeah.  I know.  In my many years working for entitled attorneys I have learned one thing.  DO WHATEVER THEY ASK.  I worked for three other attorneys, all partners.  Whenever this broad asked me to do something I would literally drop what I was doing for all the others and assist her because I didn't want to deal with the attitude.  She had me getting her coffee, breakfast, lunch ... I HATED THAT.  It would usually go something like this "Hey, can you run down to Starbucks and get me a coffee?  I'm about to jump on a call."  NOW, When you've JUST arrived at the office with your own coffee and muffin and would like to have YOUR breakfast the LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS GO BACK TO STARBUCKS AND GET HER HER SHIT.  NOTE:  None of the men I worked with EVER asked me to get them their coffee/lunch, etc.  

I worked with her for years and I hated every second of it.  When she decided she wanted another BETTER secretary she wrote up an extremely punitive complaint accusing me of basically being incompetent and I was place on probation for no other reason than to satisfy this bitch and get her the secretary of her dreams.  The secretary of her dreams turned out to be my best friend.  When I told my friend that this change was going to take place and she literally cried.  Unlike me, my friend refused to do the coffee runs, answer her phone, and drop everything in order to tend to her because she also worked for attorneys who were higher up on the totem pole.  In no time flat, the bitch requested another secretary.  SEE.  This is how it works.  When an attorney goes through secretaries like underwear perhaps she should realize that the problem is HER and not her secretaries.    

So if by chance YOU (bitch from hell) are reading this ... YES.  THIS IS ABOUT YOU.  

Bitch Session!!

Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith confirm her involvement with August Alsina

NEVER in the history of mankind has a couple blathered on and on and on and ON about their freaking relationship EVER!!   

Jada and her Red Table 

So apparently, St. Jada, the Patron Saint of Marriage and Psychoanalysis, has admitted for all to know that she did, IN FACT, have (as she called it) an entanglement with August Alsina (who I've never heard of because I'm 63 and read books). 

The use of words like "broken" and "difficult time" and "growth" and "process" and "co-dependency" and blah blah blah blah blah.  BOTTOM LINE, Jada was getting hosed by another dude.  

JADA!  However will we deal?  You were our North Star!  Our compass .... our example and oracle of wisdom!  And NOW you tell us this?!  How will we cope?  How are we supposed to accept that y'all are just as f*cked up as everybody else?  How can we possibly go on?  

Sarcasm aside, what?  Pray tell?  Makes these two feel compelled to spill this sh*t to everyone on the planet?  I wonder if they weren't famous would they still be together because it seems to me that airing their dirty laundry is like gasoline to the fire of their love.  Obviously a deep need to be heard and seen and listened to.  So I say NO.  If they weren't famous they would not be together because there would be no one to put on this show for.  

NEXT ...

How Kim Kardashian Really Feels About Kanye West's Presidential Aspirations

See!  This is what Donald Trump started!  

Now Yeezy wants to run for president.  

First Trump, a flaming narcissist and megalomaniac and now Kanye, a bi-polar sufferer from delusions of grandeur who stated to Forbes Magazine:  

"God just gave me the clarity and said it's time [to run for president.] You know I was out there, ended up in the hospital, people were calling me crazy. I'm not crazy."Kanye told Forbes, "God just gave me the clarity and said it's time [to run for president.] You know I was out there, ended up in the hospital, people were calling me crazy. I'm not crazy."

Kanye ... U CRAZY.