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Showing posts from December, 2012

OH. EM. GEE.

Kim Kartrashinan is pregnant with Kanye's spawn.

1.  Her ASS is going to get so big it will need its own zip code.


This is NOT normal.  She may have to deliver this kid anally.


2.  I hope the baby doesn't get his chin.

3.  Two narcissists who are in love with each other (she with herself, he with himself)

4.  Strategically waiting to make this glorious announcement - New Years Eve ... because Kimye knows how much we, the little people, look forward to their farts and shit.  (I bet if Kris Jenner would find a way to bottle Kim's farts she would, and then everyone on earth would rush to their local department store to purchase it).

4.  A new reality show awaits.

Dear GOD, help us.

FINDING YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE ...

As you all know by now, I am not a "glass half full" person.  I don't necessarily think of myself as a fatalist ... I think of myself as more of a realist.  So, a while back, I was on The Huffington Post and read an article by a gal who had quit her day job and was now living her dream.  Her dream consisted of:  (1) having more time to herself; (2) becoming financially independent; (3) having homes in other parts of the world; and (4) being able to travel.  She has now decided to help the rest of us achieve the same.  Her article goes on to have the reader answer a long list of questions -- FAST -- before you have time to think about it, then you add up your scores and VOILA!  Your life's purpose REVEALED. 

I don't need to take a test to find my life's purpose.   Honey, EVERYONE on earth wants to have more time to themselves, become financially independent, have homes in other parts of the world and be able to travel.  EVERYONE.  And you telling me that if…

SO ....

I just finished sending my resume to ten prospective employers.  If the planets do not align on 12-21-12 and the end of existence as we know it does not occur, I can hope to hear back from any one of these prospective employers approximately ... never.  


While job searching, I happened to stumble onto You Tube where there were lots of helpful videos for the maturejob seeker (aka useless humanoids) on how to interview successfully.  Such as "how to ask the right questions during an interview" or  "how to spin your biggest weakness into a positive and "how to explain resume gaps" (this is crucial because if you've been unemployed more than a hot minute you seriously have some esplainin to do); and my favorite ... "how to negotiate your salary" (LMAO). 
Everyone knows that drones do not negotiate their salaries.

HOUSEWIVES AND OTHER REALITY NUT JOBS ...

Dear Kenya,

YOUR MAN DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU.  PERIOD.

Kenya is suffering from a multitude of issues, mainly malignant narcissism.  She has major issues with her mother who abandoned her and does not acknowledge her to this day.  This would explain her need to compete with and cut down other women and flirt with their men.  Only ... this does not work Kenya ... it just makes people hate you.  Did you get that?  Not jealous.  Hate.  You need to find yourself a good therapist and work this stuff outI say this with love in my heart.
Oh ... and p.s. ... you might want to find a good dermatologist. 


Dear Phaedra,

You really need to keep that GIGANTIC ASS of yours covered up.  Seriously. 
Dear Kim,

I have no idea how you hooked such a nice, normal guy because you are such a shameless, foul-mouthed, tranny looking piece of trailer trash who thinks you actually are someone.  LISTEN CAREFULLY .... YOU'RE NOT.   

Dear Alexia,

What you did to Karent was MEAN, MEAN, MEAN.  Yes, she …

DREAMSCAPE ...

There isn't even a word that could possibly describe my dream life.  My dreams are like a parallel universe that I exist in that is ultra bizarre.  I had one the other night that I have not been able to stop thinking about and I keep wondering how I could possibly get it written into a screenplay.

So the premise of the dream is this .... I am living in someone else's reality.  This reality is really dangerous, like life threatening dangerous and I am about to be murdered -- but I have no idea by who/how or where.  All I know is that I have to escape.  The means of escape is through several doors, which will take me into yet another dangerous reality, BUT, if I take the wrong door, I will return to the same reality I have just tried to escape.  So I'm basically fucked no matter which way you look at it.  (Prophetic?)

Scene one:  I am in high rise office building.  I am in the coffee room taking a break.  I'm a temp worker.  The people there don't like me.  As I sit a…

ALL ABOARD!! NEXT STOP ... "DANNYLAND"

It was a typical Sunday afternoon ...

Danny:  "Hon?  I know ... why don't WE make enchiladas tonight?"  (translation from Dannyspeak to English ..."WE" means "YOU").

Me:  "I don't know how to make enchiladas." 

Danny:  "Oh it's real easy."

Me:  "Then why don't YOU make the enchiladas?"

Danny:  "Ha ... ha."

Me:  "Besides, I don't have anything.  I haven't been to the market."

(I had been neglecting my own grocery shopping for the last two weeks because we were going to have Thanksgiving at my sisters and she just got a new job and didn't have the time to do all the shopping so I was helping her out and taking everything to her house, therefore, I had no food in my house which meant that I would have to go to the market to buy EVERYTHING for the enchiladas, then come home and COOK on Sunday ... the traditional day of rest ... but not for Debbie).

Danny:  "No really ... it's rea…