I was emailing my sister from work today while in between doing "very important work" and I just had to mention to her that I had the amazing ability to let one rip for a good two minutes. Yes. You heard me correctly. TWO. SOLID. MINUTES. I could probably propel myself to impressive distances if I could just figure out a way to fashion a suit with wings and make it work to my advantage. This is just one more frustrating symptom of becoming an old bag. The bloating, the distended belly, and the need to let it go ... or die. Sometimes I want to tell people ..."you know, I'm not really this fat. I just need to be pierced". I once saw a documentary about these sheep and if they ate too much alfalfa they would actually bloat to the point where the sheepherder had to stick this gigantic needle into their bellies to let the gas out or they'd die. Swear. You could actually hear the gas seeping Ssssssss from their bellies. IF ONLY they could do that for people.
Then I thought, hey ... what if they used me as a form of torture? Instead of water boarding they could just use me and others like me ... and believe me ... IT WOULD BE torture. Which then prompted my sister to tell me about a movie she once saw about a bunch of inept super heroes called "Mystery Men" and how one of the super heros was called Fartman. I've never seen this particular film because it isn't my type of movie but according to her it's hilarious. So then began an exchange which went on for a good two hours about farts, bloating and thought provoking film versus those like Fartman.
And that's all I have to say about that ... I know I haven't posted in quite a while because I've been so busy and then I got really sick and I missed a few days of work and I have no time to devote to my blog, which is a big ol bummer. So folks, though it was a short one ... and though I can't say it was sweet, at least you're at a safe, safe distance. Until later ....
SMOOCHES!
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There. I'd said it. What I'd wanted to say for so long. The silence between us was deafening but I was unmoved. It felt good to ...
Hi Debbie,
ReplyDeleteIt's great to see you posting again. When you said 2 literal minutes straight of flatulence, part of me wanted to laugh, but another part of me held back the laughter out of empathy for your frustration. My closest friend when we lived in Massachusetts took BEANO ritually. If not, the gas his body tended to build up would cause him pain. Some foods are especially "gassy" and he loved them all. Eventually he restricted himself to less gassy foods, and found ways to balance the friendly bacteria in his digestive tract (probiotics) and felt better. His wife was grateful to say the least.
If you have time, check out my last few posts on Rattus Scribus (just posted one today too). I think you'll enjoy them.
Great to have you back.
Ruben
Oh, I forgot to mention that I just saw a DVD with Viggo in a movie called a History of Violence. WOW. What an intense film. Happy about the way it ended thought. He just wanted to get away from his former life of murder and mayhem by engaging in murder and mayhem. Pretty trippy.
ReplyDeleteRuben
I feel for you, Comadre. Went through that. It's finally passed, no pun intended, but it was terrible. JC used to make fun of me which was extremely humiliating because when it happens in your sleep and you have no idea.... But at last, it's gone. Pray it ends soon.
ReplyDeleteMarie
Ay Debbie, I can't believe you blogged about this: YOU CRACK ME UP! This is one blog I really hope Viggo DOES NOT read. If you are out there Mr Mortensen, my sister has many stellar qualities that make up for the flatulence problem... :)
ReplyDeleteLove ya,
Sister-Friend
OMG! Okay, I am literally laughing so hard I am crying!! I can honestly say I'm so glad I sleep alone now.....I would die of humiliation if anyone could hear me....if you know what I mean! Love you Debs!
ReplyDeleteCorinne
I read your stories and had to laugh
ReplyDeletea lot. You are one crazy chick but
nothing wrong with that if you are as funny as your wonderful stories.