MOMMY ...

I lost my mother on December 14, 2005.  She has been gone for fifteen years now and I still think about her every day.  My mother's death affected me in ways I never expected.  It was very strange because I believe in the after life and yet all I could think about was 'where did she go?'  She was here, and then she wasn't.     

The finality of death is heartbreaking.  Months and months after she died I would still cry and cry until I feared I would never stop.  I have dreamt of her, but most of the time my dreams are not what I want to dream.  My dreams are usually of me screaming at her for leaving us and she is very confused and doesn't understand why I am yelling at her because she is so happy where she is.  The dreams are very disturbing to me and make me feel terrible, and I wonder why I never dream about the two of us simply walking together, holding hands and talking.    

Today something very odd happened.  I had to make a run to the market and I decided to take my mother some flowers.  I picked up some poinsettias for her and on the way home made a stop at the cemetery. I took the flowers to her headstone and placed them there and spoke to her for a little while when all of a sudden I looked back at my car and there was something red sitting on the roof of my car.  I looked and saw that it was a bird.  But a bird I have NEVER seen here in California.  This bird had a flaming red breast!  I have NEVER seen a red breasted bird in my life.  I have always wanted to see a Cardinal, but they are not indigenous to California.  So I'm looking at this bird and I'm thinking, we don't have red breasted birds here.  Then that little bird flew right past me inches from my face and landed on a candy cane that was sitting on a grave nearby.  It was SO RED!  Then she flew into a tree and past me again!  I was marveling at this bird flitting back and forth when I thought ... Mom?

This is very close to the bird I saw.  I just Googled red breasted birds in California and nothing like this bird showed up.  

I would like to think it was a sign.  A message from my mother.  That she knew I was visiting her grave and she knew I was leaving her Christmas flowers.  At least, I hope so. 

Merry Christmas Mommie.  I love and and miss you so much.  Until we meet again ...