I could almost see his brain ticking away one thought after another trying to make sense of what I'd just said, recalling the many "coincidences" of our odd relationship and trying to put the pieces together. Comparing one meeting to the next, the timing of each encounter ... the fact that whenever he was at the library, I was at the library ... thinking, pondering, questioning ... the facts vs. the insanity of it all. As I watched him weigh all of it I felt deep remorse for what I had so selfishly done out of love.
He was understandably confused.
"How?" he asked me just above a whisper.
"I wanted you." I said barely above a whisper myself.
"You wanted me?" There was a bite in his words.
"Yes." I felt so stupid. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. That is the last thing I would ever want to do. Please believe me."
He was quiet. I panicked. I began talking, rambling, trying to explain the absolutely unexplainable. Hoping against hope that he would understand. I was desperate.
"I didn't know I was doing it!" I cried "I didn't! I just thought it was an amazing coincidence but then it kept happening and it seemed so natural that I didn't question it and then it somehow became normal ... I can't explain it! I thought it was the ether. I didn't question it until you said those words and it broke the spell. That's why I had to tell you. Don't you understand? I know I love you, but I don't know if your feelings for me are real, even though you may believe they are. I wanted you to know so that you could choose or decide or whatever, on your own to be with me or not. Don't you see? If I didn't care I wouldn't have told you. I want you to love me for real and the only way I can know that you do is to tell you everything even though I could lose you because of it."
After what seemed like an eternity he finally spoke. "I can't think right now" he said. "I need to ... I have to go. ... I can't deal with this." He got up. He did not look at me. I heard myself call out "Viggo! Please! I'm sorry!"
My words hung in the air as I watched him walk away from me ... I watched, until finally, he faded into the mist and disappeared. My heart broke. Like a piece of cellophane consumed by a flame I felt my entire being crumple and curl until there was no more of me left.
(... to be continued)
to be continued...
ReplyDeletehave to get a drink, I will be right back, save my seat!
Beautifully painful, that exquisite fear of what can potentially by lost. But always that sliver of hope that love will conquer all. What will you write next my dear big sister???
ReplyDeleteLove,
Sister-Friend