D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Well, it's been a big week for divorce. Everyone seems to be doing it.

Vicki Gunvalson (aka Miss Piggy) - how anyone could stay married to this broad for even half a minute is beyond me. Donn - you deserve a medal my friend. I think you should consider hooking up with Jeanna Keough. She deserves a NICE man and she's not such a ball buster. AND, she is an ex-Playmate. Not bad. Sounds like a match made in heaven. But she does have those two HORRIBLE boys. (p.s. to Jeanna - you need to dot both their eyes out). As for you Vicki, I hope all your millions keep you warm at night ... (p.s. P-R-O-Z-A-C. Just a thought).

Camille Grammer - Kelsey's soon-to-be ex-wife and cast member on Housewives of Beverly Hills. On the Beverly Hills Housewives bio it says she's an ex-dancer ... (does this include a pole?) I saw her on the Housewives and all I can say is ... she really knows how to writhe. And I would suggest that instead of botoxing the hell outta your face you should have your eyes done ... your EYEBALLS that is. Is it just me or she cross-eyed? This broad has two kids and FOUR nannies but she wants all of us to know that even though she has four nannies it doesn't mean she's not around ... okay Camille.

Christina Aguilera - don't laugh but this one surprised me. And though I really can't stand this little Diva, I somehow thought these two would be married a long time... kinda like Ann Margret and Roger Davis. Too bad. It's always sad when little ones are involved. (P.S. I don't wanna be mean, but is that the butt-ugliest guy you've ever seen?) I guess it's safe to say she really did love him. Only love could look beyond that nose and those ears. (ok ok - I'm gonna go to confession right after I finish this post).

Cat - The D.C. Housewife and soon-to-be ex-wife of official White House photographer. A Brit in America. Of all the Housewives, the D.C. Housewives is one I don't watch that often. I didn't like her much but now I do because she's hilarious and tells it like it is. Totally gets in the face of Michaele Salahi (White House dinner crasher and totally delusional), anywho, only mention her cause she's on her way to divorce court too.

Courtney Cox and David Arquette - beautiful gal, but she's so damn serious. I always wondered what the hell she saw in him. He's such a gigantic goof ball. But, he does have a connection to my boyfriend (his sister is Patricia Arquette and she played Viggo's girlfriend/wife in The Indian Runner - a must see for all Viggofiles). By Hollywood standards these two were married a aeon ... 11 years. Apparently, she got tired of "being his mother". Courtney, Courtney, Courtney ... that's what being a wife is ...

UGH! I've had just about enough of these two ...

Demi and Ashton - Class Couple

1. How old is this woman? I'll tell you how old she is ... she's PUSHING 50. FIFTY and she fucking tweets pictures of her and her boy-toy husband in bed so we'll know that:

(a) they're not separating;

(b) having trouble in paradise; or

(c) that stud muffin Ashton isn't boinking younger broads.

Demi, seriously girlfriend. What do you think ... all us old broads out here wished we looked like you and had a 32 year old puppy for a husband. You think we look at your tweets and think "AWWWWW ... HOW CUTE THEY ARE! We wanna be just like them. Well, let me tell you ... we DON'T. You're an idiot. I mean, I'm sure the sex is hot and super fantastic but girlfriend, you're 47, he's 32. THIRTY-TWO. When you're 50 he'll be 35. IN HIS MANLY PRIME. HE'S A BOY TOY. A BOY YOU TOY WITH ... NOT MARRY. And I don't care how much botox and plastic surgery you get, your lady thing is gonna dry up and you're going to head down that miserable road all old broads must face ... MENOPAUSE. There ain't no stopping it. And another thing, tweeting everytime the two of you fart is not necessary to know in life. So please ... go away and make a movie or something.

A RE-RUN ... BECAUSE I SAW GINO VANNELLI LIVE!

I don't know what it is, but it all started a few years ago with my Viggo. And let me say right here that Viggo will always be my No. 1 Fantasy Boyfriend, BUT lately ... I've been getting these unbelievable big ol crushes on guys from the 1970's and I completely JONES over them. Right now my big ol crush is on Gino Vannelli. My husband bought me an IPOD and I always loved Gino Vannelli's music so I downloaded a ton of it and now I cannot stop listening to him and thinking about him and wanting to be his girlfriend. Seriously.

It's obsession verging on madness. But look at him! He's the typical sex god from the 70's. Big hair, tight pants, hairy chest. And his songs ... his lyrics are very sexy and deep ... he literally make me swoon.

A while back I was in love with Robert Lamm of Chicago. I searched the Internet like a madwoman trying to find pictures, video, any information on him I could possibly find ... totally obsessed.

It's like I am suffering from some form of latent teenage lust. So I asked my sister WTF is this all about because she's a RN and I thought she could give me a medical/psychological reason. She told me "you're horny".

SO, back to my original question ... does this ever happen to you? Please let me know. Send me your comments, your stories and the names of your crushes. Help a middle aged sister out ... I can't be the only one out there.

I await your stories and comments with anticipation ... SMOOCHES!

More discussion on middle age ... (not for the squeamish)

I was emailing my sister from work today while in between doing "very important work" and I just had to mention to her that I had the amazing ability to let one rip for a good two minutes. Yes. You heard me correctly. TWO. SOLID. MINUTES. I could probably propel myself to impressive distances if I could just figure out a way to fashion a suit with wings and make it work to my advantage. This is just one more frustrating symptom of becoming an old bag. The bloating, the distended belly, and the need to let it go ... or die. Sometimes I want to tell people ..."you know, I'm not really this fat. I just need to be pierced". I once saw a documentary about these sheep and if they ate too much alfalfa they would actually bloat to the point where the sheepherder had to stick this gigantic needle into their bellies to let the gas out or they'd die. Swear. You could actually hear the gas seeping Ssssssss from their bellies. IF ONLY they could do that for people.

Then I thought, hey ... what if they used me as a form of torture? Instead of water boarding they could just use me and others like me ... and believe me ... IT WOULD BE torture. Which then prompted my sister to tell me about a movie she once saw about a bunch of inept super heroes called "Mystery Men" and how one of the super heros was called Fartman. I've never seen this particular film because it isn't my type of movie but according to her it's hilarious. So then began an exchange which went on for a good two hours about farts, bloating and thought provoking film versus those like Fartman.

And that's all I have to say about that ... I know I haven't posted in quite a while because I've been so busy and then I got really sick and I missed a few days of work and I have no time to devote to my blog, which is a big ol bummer. So folks, though it was a short one ... and though I can't say it was sweet, at least you're at a safe, safe distance. Until later ....



SMOOCHES!

2010 EMMY AWARDS RED CARPET LOOKS

Once again it is that time of year for all us slugs to watch the beautiful people being beautiful. The one and only Kate Gosselin of "Jon & Kate plus 8 plus 56 other kids and a set of twins", was in attendance at the Emmys in basic black with an up do. I hate this broad. Grade: F-
now GO AWAY.





Beautiful Jewel. I give her an A+ ... cause she's pretty and I like her.

Actress Toni Colette. Fantastic actress with unbelieveably bad taste. Sometimes these choices can really boggle one's mind. Picture this ... she walks into the dressing room, tries it on and falls in love. That is the ugliest rag I've ever seen ... I wouldn't be buried in it. Grade: F- to the negative 1. OFF THE CHARTS UGLY.

I had this exact same dress in the 1990's, except it was shorter and had a little bolero jacket. Not impressed. Grade: D-

January Jones of Mad Men. Awwww, NO. Hair: bad, Shoes: bad, Dress: bad. Overall Grade: BAD.

Christina Hendrick's from Mad Men. Everyone is always raving about this gal's "curves" but to me she just looks like fat chick with gigantic boobs that she should (a) hide; (b) cover up; or (c) get reduced. And while you're at it .... get a tan, jeez.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COUPLE AT THE EMMYS. Ari Nicole Parker and hubby Boris Kodjoe. Grade: A+ ... (think i want him ... that is one beautiful man).

Kimmie Kardashian, in virginal white. Perfection. Grade: A+

This little girl obviously bought her dress at that fabulously chic boutique, Windsor (found in malls across the country) ... I don't know who she is but someone should have told her something.

Grade: C- (only cause she's young) ... It looks like she wore her mother's prom dress ... from1982.

WORST DRESSED COUPLE AT THE EMMYS. Obviously rented their outfits and boyfriend didn't have enough money to rent matching shoes.

Grade: F-

Mama Kardashian looks like an amazon next petite Eva Longoria and daughter Kim.

Grade: D-

(only cause she bugs me)

YES HEIDI, WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE A SIZE 2 and you you've had four kids and you have great legs and you can wear an itty, bitty, teeny, tiny dress and you get an F cause you're just too fuckin' happy.

until next year darlings .... Au Revoir!

DR. LAURA ENDS RADIO SHOW!

HALLALUJAH!!!!! and so long you hypocritical, miserable B***h!

Now, all we gotta do is get Rush "Fatboy" Limbaugh off the air!!!!

Electrolysis anyone?

Geeze louise, get some electrolysis on that forehead for God's sake! You can't tell where your eyebrows finish and your hairline starts! Yikes! You look like you're half Italian and half neanderthal. I'm just sayin'