Falling by Viggo Mortensen

Post-surgery update ...

So, mama had her reproductive organs removed last week.  I have been moving VERY SLOWLY and have been on pain meds which is great but there is a nagging pain on my left side where I had a gigantic fibroid the size of a baby.  This thing turned out to be twice as big as originally thought hence the pain on the left.  Surgeon had to move a lot of shit around and IT HURTS!  

The Mister took family leave to help me out and he has been doing all the cooking/dishes/laundry ... he's basically been me for the last seven days and I must say that on a scale from one to 10 he's been an 8.  And THAT'S A GOOD score for recuperating in Dannyland.  HOWEVER ....

I do seem to get getting very winded answering his questions nine thousand times a day which then makes me light headed and then I have to lay down to rest and basically all of this could be avoided if it went like this:

I ASK A QUESTION.

DAN ANSWERS QUESTION.

I ASK A QUESTION.

DAN ANSWERS QUESTION (GET IT?)  Kind of like volleyball.


That is not what has been happening.  It's been more like this:


Me:  Honey, can you bring me my phone?

Dan:  You want your phone?

Me:  Yes.

Dan:  Why do you want your phone?

GOD HELP ME.

Me:  I need to make a phone call.

Dan:  You need to make a phone call?

Me:  YES.

Dan:  Where is your phone?

GETTING FAINT.



NEXT TOPIC ....

Me:  Honey, can you bring me some water?

Dan:  You want water?

Me:  Yes.

Dan:  Why do you want water?

Me:  To take my pills.

Dan:  You need to take your pills?

Me:  (sigh) ... yes.

Dan:  Where is the water?

I CAN'T.



PRAY FOR ME.

THE BITCH FROM HELL ...

Yes.  I worked for her.  She was demanding, condescending, pretentious, arrogant, basically impossible to please.  I knew from the moment I met her and interviewed with her that SHE would be the pain in my ass.  And she was.  I was hired to work 9:00 to 5:30 but because I took public transportation I would always arrive in the office early, about 8:30 am.  ONE DAY, when I actually arrived at my scheduled time of 9:00 am, she yelled from her office ... "Debbie!  What are your hours!?"  Implying that I was late.  I cannot tell you how much satisfaction I felt when I answered NINE TO FIVE-THIRTY ... BITCH.

EVERYONE in the office hated her.  All my co-workers would constantly ask me "OMG How can you work for her!  She's so mean!"  Yeah.  I know.  In my many years working for entitled attorneys I have learned one thing.  DO WHATEVER THEY ASK.  I worked for three other attorneys, all partners.  Whenever this broad asked me to do something I would literally drop what I was doing for all the others and assist her because I didn't want to deal with the attitude.  She had me getting her coffee, breakfast, lunch ... I HATED THAT.  It would usually go something like this "Hey, can you run down to Starbucks and get me a coffee?  I'm about to jump on a call."  NOW, When you've JUST arrived at the office with your own coffee and muffin and would like to have YOUR breakfast the LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS GO BACK TO STARBUCKS AND GET HER HER SHIT.  NOTE:  None of the men I worked with EVER asked me to get them their coffee/lunch, etc.  

I worked with her for years and I hated every second of it.  When she decided she wanted another BETTER secretary she wrote up an extremely punitive complaint accusing me of basically being incompetent and I was place on probation for no other reason than to satisfy this bitch and get her the secretary of her dreams.  The secretary of her dreams turned out to be my best friend.  When I told my friend that this change was going to take place and she literally cried.  Unlike me, my friend refused to do the coffee runs, answer her phone, and drop everything in order to tend to her because she also worked for attorneys who were higher up on the totem pole.  In no time flat, the bitch requested another secretary.  SEE.  This is how it works.  When an attorney goes through secretaries like underwear perhaps she should realize that the problem is HER and not her secretaries.    

So if by chance YOU (bitch from hell) are reading this ... YES.  THIS IS ABOUT YOU.  

Bitch Session!!

Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith confirm her involvement with August Alsina

NEVER in the history of mankind has a couple blathered on and on and on and ON about their freaking relationship EVER!!   

Jada and her Red Table 

So apparently, St. Jada, the Patron Saint of Marriage and Psychoanalysis, has admitted for all to know that she did, IN FACT, have (as she called it) an entanglement with August Alsina (who I've never heard of because I'm 63 and read books). 

The use of words like "broken" and "difficult time" and "growth" and "process" and "co-dependency" and blah blah blah blah blah.  BOTTOM LINE, Jada was getting hosed by another dude.  

JADA!  However will we deal?  You were our North Star!  Our compass .... our example and oracle of wisdom!  And NOW you tell us this?!  How will we cope?  How are we supposed to accept that y'all are just as f*cked up as everybody else?  How can we possibly go on?  

Sarcasm aside, what?  Pray tell?  Makes these two feel compelled to spill this sh*t to everyone on the planet?  I wonder if they weren't famous would they still be together because it seems to me that airing their dirty laundry is like gasoline to the fire of their love.  Obviously a deep need to be heard and seen and listened to.  So I say NO.  If they weren't famous they would not be together because there would be no one to put on this show for.  

NEXT ...

How Kim Kardashian Really Feels About Kanye West's Presidential Aspirations

See!  This is what Donald Trump started!  

Now Yeezy wants to run for president.  

First Trump, a flaming narcissist and megalomaniac and now Kanye, a bi-polar sufferer from delusions of grandeur who stated to Forbes Magazine:  

"God just gave me the clarity and said it's time [to run for president.] You know I was out there, ended up in the hospital, people were calling me crazy. I'm not crazy."Kanye told Forbes, "God just gave me the clarity and said it's time [to run for president.] You know I was out there, ended up in the hospital, people were calling me crazy. I'm not crazy."

Kanye ... U CRAZY.

THE MAGIC OF BACON ...

So, every weekend my husband tries to get me to make what he calls "a country breakfast" which consists of eggs over easy, BACON and papas (potatoes). As a reminder he placed three very large potatoes on the kitchen counter ... waiting for me to wash/peel/slice and cook.  I told him if he bought me a Cuisinart I would make him potatoes every weekend. 

So, I decided to make him his "country breakfast."  Got the potatoes cooking, and I pulled the bacon out of the frig and took a whiff just to make sure the bacon was still ok.  It wasn't.  It was bad.  Had the ugly sour smell.  So I tell him ...

Me:  Danny ... the bacon is bad.

Danny:  What's the date on it?

Me:  It's bad.  Trust me.  

Pause.

Me:  I'll make it if you go get some.

Danny ... He IMMEDIATELY goes upstairs, puts on clothes, and goes to the ACME store to purchase bacon.  It is astonishing how quickly this man will move when it concerns BACON.  

SLEEP ....

For those of you who read my blog or know me, you know that I have always had a hard time falling asleep.  I took Ambien for a while but that was a disaster.  I ended up eating everything in sight and put on 30 lbs.  So I chucked that.  Then I took Advil PM.  I had to take two because one was not enough.  Now, I take Melatonin, which helps BUT I also sleep next to a human freight train ... Danny.

Every night, without fail, he falls asleep soundly by 9:30 pm.  I will watch T.V. until 11:30 to 12:30 am.  What can I say, I'm a night-owl.  And ONLY when I turn off the TV and try to fall asleep does the freight train decide to take off.  He immediately starts snoring in my ear and I want to kill him.  

DAN!  SHUT UP!

DAN!  ROLL OVER!

DANNY!  YOU'RE SNORING!

DAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Every freaking night.  The last two nights I slept in the extra bedroom.  The first night he didn't even know I was gone.  Next morning I whine ... you snored like a train last night!  He just smiles.  Why the hell should HE care that I don't get a good nights sleep when all that matters is that HE does?  I mean it's all about him anyway right?

So, last night the same thing.  Lights out, T.V. off, FREIGHT TRAIN begins.  I don't even try to sleep, I just got up, slammed the door (which he didn't even hear) and went to sleep in the extra room.

About 2:30 am boyfriend is standing at the foot of the bed like a scared little boy. 

Dan:   "Hon?  What are you doing in here?"

Me:    "SLEEPING."

Dan:  "Come to bed." 

Me:   "BEG ME."

Let's take a stroll down to Dannyland ...

SO, week nine thousand of working from home.  Today is my marital unit’s birthday.  He has taken the week off … of course, I love him to death … but not 24/7. 

So, for his birthday we have decided since we can’t go out or do anything because of the Corona Virus, we're going to make some really good steaks, a Caesar salad, baked potatoes, brussel sprouts, and garlic bread here at home. Cozy huh.  

SO … since I am handcuffed to my computer he has offered to go to the market.  

Dan:     “What do you want?” he asks.  

Me:      “Let me make you a list.”  

So, I write down all the cleaning products I desperately need and know they won't have, but I write them down anyway.  And then I remember!  

Me:      "OH!  AND BRING ME A COUPLE OF NOTEPADS!!!  

(You see, I have gone through every notepad that I brought from work and I have NOTHING to write on and when one is working from home and one only has one computer screen, BELIEVE ME, YOU NEED NOTEPADS.  SO, he says ...

Dan:     “WAIT! …. (Twilight Zone theme) nanananananananananana …. 

          you are now entering "Dannyland ..."

Dan:    “You have a tone of notepads here!  Look!"

And he goes into a drawer pulls out about eight notepads THAT HAVE ALL BEEN WRITTEN ON and then I say, but they’ve ALL BEEN WRITTEN ON and then he says “NO" and then he begins tearing out every page with writing leaving the 5 or 6 or 7 pages that are clean insisting that I have notepads and I shouldn’t waste money on buying new ones.

SO, I silently implode while listening to him tear out page after page after page of each notepad.  When he's done with that little project I then see him wandering around the living room ... 

Me:   "Don’t tell me.  You lost the list I wrote you huh?

Dan:  Yup.

MORAL OF STORY:  WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU EVER, EVER JUST DO WHAT I ASK YOU TO?  HUH?  Why? Just humor me … BUY ME THE FUCKING NOTEPADS!  Don't go through a bunch of foochie old notepads that only leave me three pages to write on!!!  GAWD!  How much could three notepads possibly cost??!?!  GOD KILL ME RIGHT NOW.