UGH! I've had just about enough of these two ...

Demi and Ashton - Class Couple

1. How old is this woman? I'll tell you how old she is ... she's PUSHING 50. FIFTY and she fucking tweets pictures of her and her boy-toy husband in bed so we'll know that:

(a) they're not separating;

(b) having trouble in paradise; or

(c) that stud muffin Ashton isn't boinking younger broads.

Demi, seriously girlfriend. What do you think ... all us old broads out here wished we looked like you and had a 32 year old puppy for a husband. You think we look at your tweets and think "AWWWWW ... HOW CUTE THEY ARE! We wanna be just like them. Well, let me tell you ... we DON'T. You're an idiot. I mean, I'm sure the sex is hot and super fantastic but girlfriend, you're 47, he's 32. THIRTY-TWO. When you're 50 he'll be 35. IN HIS MANLY PRIME. HE'S A BOY TOY. A BOY YOU TOY WITH ... NOT MARRY. And I don't care how much botox and plastic surgery you get, your lady thing is gonna dry up and you're going to head down that miserable road all old broads must face ... MENOPAUSE. There ain't no stopping it. And another thing, tweeting everytime the two of you fart is not necessary to know in life. So please ... go away and make a movie or something.

A RE-RUN ... BECAUSE I SAW GINO VANNELLI LIVE!

I don't know what it is, but it all started a few years ago with my Viggo. And let me say right here that Viggo will always be my No. 1 Fantasy Boyfriend, BUT lately ... I've been getting these unbelievable big ol crushes on guys from the 1970's and I completely JONES over them. Right now my big ol crush is on Gino Vannelli. My husband bought me an IPOD and I always loved Gino Vannelli's music so I downloaded a ton of it and now I cannot stop listening to him and thinking about him and wanting to be his girlfriend. Seriously.

It's obsession verging on madness. But look at him! He's the typical sex god from the 70's. Big hair, tight pants, hairy chest. And his songs ... his lyrics are very sexy and deep ... he literally make me swoon.

A while back I was in love with Robert Lamm of Chicago. I searched the Internet like a madwoman trying to find pictures, video, any information on him I could possibly find ... totally obsessed.

It's like I am suffering from some form of latent teenage lust. So I asked my sister WTF is this all about because she's a RN and I thought she could give me a medical/psychological reason. She told me "you're horny".

SO, back to my original question ... does this ever happen to you? Please let me know. Send me your comments, your stories and the names of your crushes. Help a middle aged sister out ... I can't be the only one out there.

I await your stories and comments with anticipation ... SMOOCHES!

More discussion on middle age ... (not for the squeamish)

I was emailing my sister from work today while in between doing "very important work" and I just had to mention to her that I had the amazing ability to let one rip for a good two minutes. Yes. You heard me correctly. TWO. SOLID. MINUTES. I could probably propel myself to impressive distances if I could just figure out a way to fashion a suit with wings and make it work to my advantage. This is just one more frustrating symptom of becoming an old bag. The bloating, the distended belly, and the need to let it go ... or die. Sometimes I want to tell people ..."you know, I'm not really this fat. I just need to be pierced". I once saw a documentary about these sheep and if they ate too much alfalfa they would actually bloat to the point where the sheepherder had to stick this gigantic needle into their bellies to let the gas out or they'd die. Swear. You could actually hear the gas seeping Ssssssss from their bellies. IF ONLY they could do that for people.

Then I thought, hey ... what if they used me as a form of torture? Instead of water boarding they could just use me and others like me ... and believe me ... IT WOULD BE torture. Which then prompted my sister to tell me about a movie she once saw about a bunch of inept super heroes called "Mystery Men" and how one of the super heros was called Fartman. I've never seen this particular film because it isn't my type of movie but according to her it's hilarious. So then began an exchange which went on for a good two hours about farts, bloating and thought provoking film versus those like Fartman.

And that's all I have to say about that ... I know I haven't posted in quite a while because I've been so busy and then I got really sick and I missed a few days of work and I have no time to devote to my blog, which is a big ol bummer. So folks, though it was a short one ... and though I can't say it was sweet, at least you're at a safe, safe distance. Until later ....



SMOOCHES!

2010 EMMY AWARDS RED CARPET LOOKS

Once again it is that time of year for all us slugs to watch the beautiful people being beautiful. The one and only Kate Gosselin of "Jon & Kate plus 8 plus 56 other kids and a set of twins", was in attendance at the Emmys in basic black with an up do. I hate this broad. Grade: F-
now GO AWAY.





Beautiful Jewel. I give her an A+ ... cause she's pretty and I like her.

Actress Toni Colette. Fantastic actress with unbelieveably bad taste. Sometimes these choices can really boggle one's mind. Picture this ... she walks into the dressing room, tries it on and falls in love. That is the ugliest rag I've ever seen ... I wouldn't be buried in it. Grade: F- to the negative 1. OFF THE CHARTS UGLY.

I had this exact same dress in the 1990's, except it was shorter and had a little bolero jacket. Not impressed. Grade: D-

January Jones of Mad Men. Awwww, NO. Hair: bad, Shoes: bad, Dress: bad. Overall Grade: BAD.

Christina Hendrick's from Mad Men. Everyone is always raving about this gal's "curves" but to me she just looks like fat chick with gigantic boobs that she should (a) hide; (b) cover up; or (c) get reduced. And while you're at it .... get a tan, jeez.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COUPLE AT THE EMMYS. Ari Nicole Parker and hubby Boris Kodjoe. Grade: A+ ... (think i want him ... that is one beautiful man).

Kimmie Kardashian, in virginal white. Perfection. Grade: A+

This little girl obviously bought her dress at that fabulously chic boutique, Windsor (found in malls across the country) ... I don't know who she is but someone should have told her something.

Grade: C- (only cause she's young) ... It looks like she wore her mother's prom dress ... from1982.

WORST DRESSED COUPLE AT THE EMMYS. Obviously rented their outfits and boyfriend didn't have enough money to rent matching shoes.

Grade: F-

Mama Kardashian looks like an amazon next petite Eva Longoria and daughter Kim.

Grade: D-

(only cause she bugs me)

YES HEIDI, WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE A SIZE 2 and you you've had four kids and you have great legs and you can wear an itty, bitty, teeny, tiny dress and you get an F cause you're just too fuckin' happy.

until next year darlings .... Au Revoir!

DR. LAURA ENDS RADIO SHOW!

HALLALUJAH!!!!! and so long you hypocritical, miserable B***h!

Now, all we gotta do is get Rush "Fatboy" Limbaugh off the air!!!!

Electrolysis anyone?

Geeze louise, get some electrolysis on that forehead for God's sake! You can't tell where your eyebrows finish and your hairline starts! Yikes! You look like you're half Italian and half neanderthal. I'm just sayin'

Restrepo

Yesterday was the first Saturday in quite a while that we haven't HAD anything to do but enjoy so we had a date and went to the movies then had dinner and drinks. Danny picked the movie. I wasn't sure about it because it's a serious documentary about the war in Afghanistan and I didn't want to be bummed out, but I saw it and was riveted to the screen. We went to see "Restrepo", a documentary about the battle in the Korengal Valley in Afghanistan, the most dangerous place on Earth. All I can say is that if you want to learn something, go and see it. When I think about all the reality shows on T.V. and all the narcissistic idiots out there making tons and tons of money, and then you see these soldiers, these young guys with their entire lives ahead of them, some who won't come home, you realize that these are the the guys that should be handed a million dollars, given a beautiful home and free health care for the rest of their lives because they literally, have balls of steel. It is heartbreaking and inspiring what these young men do and all I could think about were the blow-hards like Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck who profess to love America and wonder to myself ... how would YOU handle being in a situation like that? Rush sits in a nice comfy studio making billions of dollars while he pontificates and spews nothing but vitriol and hatred. Put on a uniform, grab a machine gun and go protect the America you love so much Rush ... you big overfed pig. The movie is a real depiction of war. War is war. Nothing is ever gained or won from war. You see the Afghan people who are terrified of the Taliban and pissed at the Americans. They have NO POWER at all. None. For me, it comes down to being a human being. Right/left, Conservative/liberal ... it's all B.S. When you put your life on the line like these guys with a machine gun in your hand and take fire 24/7 it becomes clear who loves America. THESE ARE THE GUYS THAT LOVE AMERICA. At dinner, Dan and I toasted them all, pobrecitos, who are far from home and fighting. Cold, hungry, suffering, hot, working, grieving, and more than anything, wanting to come home. THANK YOU DEAR SOLDIERS. THANKS TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. We could never, ever thank you enough ... God bless you all.