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Feminism is not a NO NO

I saw Marlo Thomas on The View the other day and she's been married to Phil Donahue for 30 years. Amazing. Marlo was, and continues to be a feminist and she said something on The View about marriage that I agree with. Marriage is a better proposition for the man than the woman. If you'd told me I'd agree with this opinion 30 years ago when all I wanted to do was get MARRRRRRRIED, I would have choked. But it's true. I have had the unique opportunity to have been a single, independent woman for most of my adult life. Then I got married ... when I was nearly 40. Both lifestyles have their pros and cons. Being single, no one tells you wtf to do and you don't have to serve or pick up after anyone. I LOOOOOOOOOOVED that. But, there is some loneliness and you do pay a price for being independent. Despite what most men say about wanting an independent woman, what most of them want is a woman who will treat them just like their mother but look like Pamela Anderson. When I was single I cannot tell you how many guys asked me how come I didn't cook, or make them dinner. The truth: I didn't know how to cook because I was too busy EARNING A LIVING AND HAVING A LIFE. Then they punished me for this ... because I wasn't "wifely" enough. How did they punish me? They didn't marry me. It never entered the minds of half these nitwits that while I was living in a home that I PURCHASED ALL BY MYSELF half of them were still living AT HOME WITH MOM, OY ... don't even get me started.

When I was growing up in the 1960's the women did everything, which was typical for that time. I always thought this was unfair. How come the ladies had to do all the work? I decided right then and there that I didn't want to be a wife. I was gonna grow up and have my own apartment and take vacations! Well, all that ended once I entered puberty and realized that in the world of females, the be all, end all of existence was to be some one's wife or girlfriend.

If you add to this that I grew up in a Hispanic household this message was all the more powerful. I worried about crap that I NEVER should have worried about. I had nothing but male cousins and they made it crystal clear to me ... there were GOOD girls and BAD girls and you DON'T WANT TO BE A BAD GIRL. And I would think to myself ... but ... but ... you guys LIKE bad girls????? HUH? It was most confusing. And though I understood the reasoning of this message was really for my protection, it did not coincide with my thoughts. Oddly enough, my mother did not raise me to cook and clean but she complained all the time that I didn't cook and clean. My brother and cousins would tease me mercilessly about not being able to cook and say things to me like ... "what are you gonna cook for your husband when you get married Debbie?! JAM SANDWICHES???!!!" It made me feel very bad about myself because I wasn't wifely/girlfriend material. What was gonna happen to me... I DIDN'T know how to cook ... I HATED housework. I was doomed. I was going to end up all alone, a cat lady. Why? Cause I WASN'T WIFELY enough and cause I wasn't BAD GIRL enough . You see the logic here? Talk about freaking confusion. I tell you it was a constant worry in my life. And in 1975, when I graduated from high school HALF MY CLASS GOT MARRIED THAT SUMMER! The thought of being one of those women who end up ALONE well ... this was a fate worse than death. (See, this is the brainwashing b.s. they sell us women). What I needed back then was a little crystal ball so I could see into the future ...
In my vast experience on both sides of this argument, I think the ideal situation would be for all women who want to share their life with someone and want to have someone to go to the movies with and sit on the porch and grow old with is to buy two houses right next door to each other. You live in one and the husband can live in the other. He can mess up his place, do his own laundry and live like a pig if he so desires and your house stays nice and tidy. I'm not anti-marriage, or anti-male, I'm ANTI-COOKING AND CLEANING just cause I have the va-jay-jay. When I was single I envied my married friends with children and could never understand why they always said that they came to work to rest. Then I got married. And I never had kids, I cannot imagine doing it all with a couple of rug rats running around. I think women who have given birth, raised children, maintained a home, taken care of a husband and worked a full time job are GODDESSES (and in truth they haven't invented a word BIG enough to encompass all that these women do) and are going STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. It is a tough, tough job and trust me, you cannot thank your wife or mother ENOUGH for all the shit she has done for you. PERIOD ... END OF STORY ... don't even try to argue.

My only hope is that all young women who will come after me will appreciate all the struggles that the women who came before them made. Gloria Steinam, Bella Abzug and the countless others who fought and fought so hard so that you young girls today can do anything you want. You can get educated and do work in an environment free from sexual harassment or gender discrimination. And one piece of advice from me ... if you EVER get married, trust me, YOU CANNOT DO IT ALL and YOU CANNOT HAVE IT ALL. Make SURE you marry a man who is not only evolved, BUT most importantly, able to afford to hire you a MAID. Trust me on this ... you'll thank me one day.

... and that's all I have to say about that.


  1. I have always interpreted the womens movement as to say "Be your own person" or "Decide how you want to live your life on your own terms". Not bra burning and men bashing...that is too militant for me. Either way as you say...there are pros and cons to both sides. I have been lucky in that, as a young girl I always knew what I wanted but I never said it out loud for fear of teasing. Part of the womens movement was "don't get don't need a husband", but that's what I wanted. And to my amazement...I have it, a great husband, 2 daughters, grandchildren, the whole enchilada. When a women sets out to achieve something whatever it is and it makes her happy, then she can say she is successful.

  2. WELL...and that IS a very DEEP subject! I'd have to write a response as long as you blog to tell you everything this surfaced in me. But instead I'll just say this: You're right.

    My husband was spoiled by his mommy. Expects me to spoil him whilest I work, take care of the family matters, pay the bills and yes, keep the house spic and span. Too bad! Can't have it all, not in this day and age. I'm one person, two legs, two arms, one brain and though each side of my brain handles separate issues, both sides are in agreement with the fact that "most men" need to wake up, smell the toast burning and butter it themselves. I'm exhausted.............

  3. Your "Ideal Situation" is genius Deb! Buy two houses and live next door to each other. LOL


  4. Debbie,

    This blog post has a lot of truth and yet humor at the same time. I was one of those boys who was definitely not spoiled by my mother. Quite the opposite. Before I could even reach the sink, my mom had me standing on a chair washing the dishes. I vacuumed the house, mowed the yard, pulled weeds, raked leaves, etc. My parents did not believe in doing all the work and letting kids do what they wanted. We did a lot of house and yard work, which was not what we kids wanted.

    So when I moved out of the house, my bachelor "pad" (crib, in today's terminology) was NOT the stereotypical men's sty, smelling of dirty socks, with dishes piled everywhere, underwear on door nobs, and stale Doritos embedded in my hair.

    Today, I believe Anita and I do equal amounts of work around the house. She does most of the cooking (her choice) and dishes most of the time, but I do almost every other maintenance thing related to the house in and out, as well as all the finances (bills, budget, I do our taxes, etc.), house remodeling and repair (including to new baths that were gutted and rebuilt from scratch, and a million other house projects). In fact, I always say "we" even when it is something that I actually did by myself.

    I mention this not to make myself look like an angel, but because I agree that it is definitely not cool for women and men to both be employed outside the home, and for the wife to do all the work around the house too, which is apparently the typical American scenario.

    On another note: men who want wives who will "treat them like their mother but look like Pamela Anderson"; and expected cooking and cleaning roles "just cause I have a va-jay-jay"

    I have to admit it. You got me cracking up.


  5. The double standards in this country are not limited to male/female roles, unfortunately, but I think feminists have gotten a bad rap. Over time there will be another name that we'll be known by, I'm sure and those who fit that mold will be defined and boxed in by it.

    I like your solution about having two houses next door to each other. That would solve a whole lotta problems! On the other hand, I do like living with a man under the same roof, so as many problem as it would solve, it would also create some. :)

  6. I'm not anti-marriage, or anti-male, I'm ANTI-COOKING AND CLEANING just cause I have the va-jay-jay.

    Yeah, that's pretty much the gist of it. :)


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