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Monday, August 29, 2011

THE MARRIAGE REF

So I was laid up again with another cortisone shot to the foot (I'm officially an old lady) Dan and I just hung around the house because I wasn't supposed walk and besides, it was too freaking hot outside.

Later that night we were watching "The Marriage Ref." I don't know if you've ever seen this program but it is definitely a must see. It will make all you married folks out there feel NORMAL. You know how sometimes when you're married you can feel kinda guilty because sometimes you can be big ol beyotch and your spouse has to put up with all your crap but then you gotta put up with their crap too like when you lose it because the husband is chomping on chips loudly crackling the bag while standing over the sink with a container of salsa which always, ALWAYS ends up on the front of his T-shirt because he's a slob and he would rather munch for three and a half hours than actually prepare a meal for himself, but I digress ...

Anyway, the premise of this show is this: you take three couples, you film them while they're having a fight with their "crazy"
spouse and three celebrity judges decide who is the Rightest. YES. THE RIGHTEST. The winner gets $25,000 and a billboard in their hometown that says "DEBBIE WAS RIGHT!" (well, not really but you know what I mean ... the winning spouse gets the billboard) How's that for satisfaction!

Couple No. 1: Here we have a husband and wife who have been married 30 years. He thinks his wife and kids waste too much food so ... HE HIDES IT. He takes all the condiments in the house: ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, etc., and hides it all over the house, the garage, anywhere they can't get at it. I don't really see the logic in this but this is the issue the wife is dealing with.



Couple No. 2: Husband is an ex-lawyer, wife is a tea
cher and they have three kids. Husband has quit working and has now dedicated his life to following his passion which consists of living in a magical world called The Mystic Realm. He has over 300 members who participate in The Mystic Realm and they literally dress up in costume and play act that they're living in Sherwood Forest and have sword battles and basically act like a bunch of 9 year olds all day long. He justifies this by stating that he believes that if it were not for him these folks would never have an opportunity to be a part of the arts. You know, acting/drama, etc., et al. (eyes rolling ....)


Couple No. 3: Interracial couple, Caucasian husband, African-American wife. Problem: He wants his daughter to "be who she is" and let her hair be wild and free and not conform because he wants her to be her own special self and by that she will stand out (p.s he also wants her to have a career in show biz). Mom wants daughter to be a little lady and be well groomed and look presentable a all times and not have a head full of wild hair. Awwww. (I'm with mom on this one).

Next couple: 38 years married. Husband is pissed off because all she does is buy clothes, earrings, shoes and purses and she keeps EVERYTHING. She has an extra bedroom that is basically a closet with clothing racks and a bunch of plastic bins stored with
shoes/scarve/blouses/sweaters. He believes if you haven't worn it in a year, get rid of it! Whenever she isn't home he literally goes through all her stuff and counts
it.

I tell you, if you don't feel better about yourself and your marriage after one episode ... you must really be crazy. I turned to Dan and with mountains of relief said "GEE HONEY! WE'RE NOT CRAZY ... WE'RE NORMAL! DAYUM!"



Good to know.

Friday, August 26, 2011

ANCIENT ALIENTS AND NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES ....

“When you start preparing for death you soon realize that you must look into your life … now … and come to face the truth of yourself. Death is like a mirror in which the true meaning of life is reflected.” - Sogyal Rinpoche

I love this quote. Those readers and friends who know me personally know that I am utterly and completely obsessed with death. Near-death experiences in particular. All things supernatural, mystical, metaphysical and unexplainable are right up my alley. Everything from apparitions of the Blessed Mother to alien abduction stories I'm there.

I think I have read every book there is to read on the subject of near death experiences from those who study it to those who have experienced it. A fantastic site you might want to check out: http://www.near-death.com/. (If you really want to check out something spectacular, Google Reinee Pasarow's near death experience. It's a video you can watch as this woman tells of her near death experience ... FASCINATING). In all of my reading I have come to realize that almost every religious belief has a belief in some sort of afterlife. This is not surprising. What is surprising is that they are all very similar. Scripture refers to God as light. The near death experience … is all about the light. It beckons and pulls us toward it, to merge with it in an explosion of love that is, as NDE’s describe it, indescribable. The experiencer does not want to return to his body or this earth and many who have experienced this event have attempted suicide upon their return to their physical bodies just to try to go “back there.”

Christians believe that when we leave the earth and meet our maker and we will be made to account for our lives and be “judged”. NDE’s report that there is no “judge” … we will judge ourselves. When I reflect on this scripture:
Matthew 7:16
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. This scares the hell outta me, but I believe it to be true. This realization helps me to evaluate and examine myself all the time. And if I could experience anything in life it would be a near-death experience. Those who have had an NDE have no fear of death and are changed completely when they return to their bodies. They live lives that are dedicated to helping others, loving themselves, and having empathy for all living things. I love that. It would seem that you really could have heaven on earth if everyone either (a) had this experience, or (b) tried to live as if they had. Regardless of your religious affiliation, personal philosophy, or even if you're an atheist, kindness and empathy could change the world. Of all the billions of dollars that are spent on making wars, sustaining wars, encouraging wars, or promoting wars, if those billions of dollars and negative energy were spent on loving actions that helped the suffering, the hungry and educating the young ... well, it's almost limitless what humankind could accomplish. And yes, I realize that I probably sound like a head case who cannot see the world as it is ... but that's the point.  Of the many people who came here to change the world, (e.g., Jesus, Martin Luther King, Ghandi ... were all murdered) ... to assassinate Goodness says something about humanity doesn't it.  Everyone thought Jimmy Carter was a joke and an idiot as president.  Maybe he was.  But Jimmy Carter saw politics as a way  " to serve" ... to be a peacemaker in the world. Today, he is a peacemaker. He has built  homes for the homeless and is looked to as a great humanitarian.  Now, he is dying.  But what he has done here on earth will bring him honor and everlasting peace in God's kingdom.  Love and kindness, empathy and caring are not valued here in "this vale of tears" where competition, money, position, and ruthlessness in business and government are viewed with envy and esteem. Could you see Donald Trump facing his maker?

GOD: "DONALD, WHAT DID YOU DO FOR MANKIND?"

Donald: "I made Barak Obama show the world his birth certificate and ..."
  


I haven't done anything for mankind on a grand scale either. But I think you get the point.
If everyone tried to live consciously, treating others with love and respect in the sphere of our own little worlds, well .... love could conquer hate.  

I believe that transformation is taking place on the earth ... a shift in consciousness is occurring. Something is happening.  Messages given to children over the ages by the Blessed Virgin, ancient hieroglyphs that depict space craft and strange beings visiting and teaching human beings? Drones?  Fish dying in masses?  Fires burning up entire states?  There seems to be more death and destruction and mysterious acts of nature occurring.  Bees disappearing?  The earth is trying to tell us something.  We're fucking everything up.  Today we have life saving methods that can pull people back from death, literally, and we are also destroying our planet little by little.  

All ancient mysteries and spiritual phenomena have meaning.  Quantum physicis and parallel universes.  The possibility of time travel?  I think it all has merit and value. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. I am a true Aquarian and it's my time. 

Science and physics ARE GOD. GOD created everything therefore, I totally believe that anything is possible ... but more than anything LOVE CONQUERS ALL.   

Friday, August 19, 2011

I'M FAT AND MY FOOT HURTS

It's true. I finally broke down and joined Weight Watchers on line. It has been one month (4 looooong weeks) and I have lost a grand total of 4 lbs and gained one back. I'm hungry all the time and keep asking myself "what's the point?!" Do I accept middle aged fatness as a fact of life? Do I fight it and starve for the rest of my life? It's all so depressing. I've decided to re-engage, re-commit and keep on trying. It all started with that damn Ambien and my eating at night unawares ... remember the carrot cake story? Yeah. Unemployed for two years, stressed about not working, not being able to find work, blah blah blah ... next stop: SERIOUS INSOMNIA. Go to doctor, prescribes Ambien. I sleep great but put on 30 lbs. UN-FUCKEN-BELIEVABLE. And it's not like I didn't know it ... but I didn't know it. One morning, I'm sitting on the bed in my underwear facing the mirror in the bathroom and I SAW MYSELF for the first time, really saw myself ... JABBA THE HUT was looking back at me. SERIOUSLY. You know when you think you're fat and then you get really fat and wish you were fat like before when you really weren't fat but thought you were? Yeah.

NEXT. The foot pain ... OY VAY THE PAIN. Went to the podiatrist a month ago because I have had serious heel pain for months. He took some x-rays and saw the problem ... a big assed heel spur. He shot me up with cortisone. That was weird. First they numb the area with this ice cold stuff, then inject you with Lidocaine which I felt going into my foot like liquid ... then after that he injects you with the Cortisone. A very weird feeling. In most cases the pain goes away instantaneously. NOT FOR MOI. I did as he instructed me to. Stayed off it the entire weekend. Did ice packs, didn't walk. Took care of myself. Within two weeks it was back. I have to wear my funky orthodics 24/7 and wear a splint at night because if I don't, I'll eventually need surgery. I don't want to have surgery on my foot but it hurts ALL THE TIME. So I went onto the Internet to find a "Good Feet" store. They sell special, SUPER EXPENSIVE shoes for messed up feet like mine. OMG. The ugliest shoes you've ever seen for $260 and up. Ridiculous.

So I think of my dad who is 81, walks with a cane, has a hearing aid, had a very serious surgery two years ago and every single time I ask him "how are you feeling Dad?" HE ALWAYS, ALWAYS says "real good. I feel real good mija." Poor daddy. So ... maybe acceptance is a huge part of aging well. I still really need to drop some pounds ... and I should walk to exercise ... even if my foot does hurt ... but I also think that maybe I should be a little nicer to myself too. It's harder to lose weight when you get older ... that's a fact and things start to hurt. When I was young I never, EVER thought about weight. Didn't have to. Now I do.
Oh well ...

My ultimate goal: TO BE HAPPY.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

ANOTHER TRIP THROUGH THE ETHER ...

It was magical … the way dreams are always magical. I was on a train. A big train that was more like a cruise ship with nice big rooms. There were large conference rooms and restaurants. I find my room/cabin and after getting settled I wandered through the train/cruise ship and found myself in one of those conference rooms where a sort of press conference was taking place. There were many familiar people there. I noticed Ed Harris walking in wearing a beret. He takes a seat with the others and then I see him … (huge intake of breath) my boyfriend. Already seated. He had on a nice suit. His hair was a little long but he was looking handsome and manly and I wished, oh how I wished I could stand right next to him and feel his presence. *Sigh* I watched the proceedings while sitting cross legged on the floor by the entryway doors. I tried to sneak looks at him without appearing obvious. He didn’t catch me looking and though I wanted to openly stare at him I fought the urge because I had to come off as nonchalant. I couldn’t hear much of what was being discussed but every once in a while he would lean back as he laughed and I could catch a glimpse of his profile and that slash of a dimple that cuts right down his cheek and makes me weak in the knees. Double *Sigh*. I keep thinking to myself “what will I do if he sees me?” What will I do if he doesn’t see me?” “What if he talks to me?” I cannot be the one to make contact. He has to do it first. Right about now I’m thinking I should just leave and stop making myself so stressed out and feeling so ridiculous but just then, OH NO …it was over. They were all getting up. Everyone is shaking hands and saying goodbye. He’s coming my way. He’s so tall. He walks so gracefully, like a man should walk. I’m scared. He sees me and comes over to talk. I think he remembers me from the library. I am tongue tied and tell him that I have to get back to my room because I brought his mother with me and she was all alone. (Yeah … I brought his mother with me. Not sure how this happened but she was back in my room waiting for me) ... oh no, I don't want him to think that I brought her just to get to him. At the time it seemed like a huge stroke of luck! Viggo’s mother … my roommate!!) He smiled and continued talking to me and then we began walking and exploring through the train/cruise ship. Then, all of a sudden BING BANG BOOM, we’re in a room, he’s lying on the bed in his suit and he reaches for my hand and brings me down towards his face for a quick kiss, a peck, and another. I notice a tiny piece of white lint on the corner of his upper lip. I pull away feeling very self-conscious and then he pulls me toward him again, this time with more force and really lays one on me. *SIGH* ... I’m so nervous. I can’t relax. I can’t let go. I tell him I have to leave. That his mother is waiting for me. He smiles a knowing smile that tells me he is kind of tickled to see that I am so flustered. I wake up.
Do you think he's trying to make up for kidnapping me?

Friday, August 12, 2011

IDIOTS, IDIOTS AND MORE IDIOTS ...

The other day while driving to work I had to pass a cyclist who was tooling along on the highway ... with headphones on. This to me is akin to sticking your fingers in your ears while loudly saying LALALALA and then closing your eyes and running directly into oncoming traffic.

A few months ago I was in the Ralph's parking lot and there, just outside of my peripheral vision I saw a flash of movement ... and then BAM! There he was ... right on me! A kid flying through the parking lot, on a skateboard with those damn things in his ears. I almost hit him but lucky for him I'm one of those "cautious" old broads who LOOKS where she's going otherwise he'd have been under my car or on my hood. Why don't you just blindfold yourself and ride your skateboard on the freeway? Same thing.

And can I just ask WTF is this obsession with distraction? People forever looking down texting and not looking where they're going! Riding bikes and skateboards with
those things in their ears ... it's so dangerous! I see drivers doing the same thing all the time too. Driving, while texting and listening to music or God knows what with those things in their ears. I can't hear a siren if I have the radio on let alone having those things in my ears. It irritates the EFF outta me. But there is one consolation ... if any of these idiots ever got plowed down by a vehicle they'd never know what hit 'em. ... vroooom .... splat ... over.


... "gee, I must have been an asshole" ...




Thursday, August 11, 2011

HOUSEWIVES ...

Ok folks, sometimes even geniuses fall short on creative topics and when I find myself in this situation I usually turn to the Housewives who are always good for a reliable source for outrageous, flipped out lunacy. I have just a few thoughts on the NY Reunion episode (parts 1 and 2) … it was basically a screaming bitch fest and I could barely catch a word sideways, so I’ll keep it short and sweet.
The Countess (LuAnn): SNOB. She really should take Ramona’s advice and “get that stick outta her ass.”
Jill: Still a mean girl and a sniper who befriends anyone, even those she disdains, in order to have a bigger camp of supporters.
Kelly: (aka Elle McPherson, Jr. (she wishes): Seriously daft with a vocabulary of two key words that she sprinkles throughout her conversations incessantly: Like and Amazing. And according to her, she says she has a degree from Columbia (… like … Columbia Night School? … that’s Amazing. Zzzzzz.
Alex: I like Alex. Although she tends to hyperventilate easily and turn beet red when she’s angry which is not a very good feature if you’re trying to come across as cool and collected. But in her defense, any rational person would be driven to hives with that bunch of Cretans.

Sonia: Cheap (as in “whore-ified”). There’s being sexy and there’s being stupid and there’s being nasty. Sonia is stupid AND nasty. Nothing more pathetic than a 40 or 50 something year old gal trying to look and behave like a 30 something year old gal.
The broad with the twins: Seriously needs to put down the phone and get laid.



NEXT: The Housewives of New Jersey.
Caroline: The only one with any semblance of sense, although a few of the others are rapidly trying to suck her into their black vortex of stupid.
Teresa: Teresa is exhausting. She is stubborn and in denial verging on delusion about her participation in her family’s problems. (Note to self Teresa: Electrolysis … I’ve said it before and I'll say it again … YOU NEED A HAIRLINE DAMMIT! ... talk about Cromagnum man)
Melissa: Not as dense as Teresa and but pretty much the same as above.
Jacqueline: I like Jacqueline and feel bad that she has such a spoiled brat for a daughter. Thank God I have critters. If that kid were mine I guarantee you she wouldn’t have any hair left.
Kathy: I can’t decide about he yet. Seems nice enough but I think I need another season to decide. Last season I LOVE LOVE LOVED Teresa. This season I think she’s cwazy. And P.S. don't you think Kathy's husband is weird? And those glasses, god almighty … he looks like the
Moe Green character from the Godfather.
Next … The Housewives of Beverly Hills. I saw a preview of what’s to come and can I just say … I feel like I already need to take a shower.
Okay folks, until next time …
TOODLES!!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

PET PEEVES

I admit it ... I'm a pain in the ass and everything annoys ... these are just a few:

1. Whistlers.

Whistler: "Gee, I'm bored. I think I'll whistle while I wander through this (mall, department
store, grocery market, take your pick) and annoy the EFF out of anyone near me who has ears.

2. Perennially Happy, Upbeat People.

PHU Person: "Gee, even though they handcuff me to my desk at work and beat me with a stick every hour on the hour it could be worse ... I could be out of a job." NO YOU MORON. Having a job where they handcuff you to your desk and beat you with a stick every hour on the hour IS WORSE. Oy vay.




















3. Michelle Bachman.



















































JEEZ.


4. Women who leave the house with wet hair.

5. Loud assed people who have long assed conversations while on their speakerphones with their DOORS OPEN.


6. That one person who drumbs their fingers on my desk every freaking time they pass by. Like I can't SEE that they're passing by ... I hate that!



More to come ...

TOODLES!