Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Reunion Part III

Holy shit!  Camille Grammer is fucking looney tunes!  Did anyone see the show last night?  
She is (1) a LOUSY actress; and (2) a LOUSY human being.

Ok.  I know I don't write much these days, and I write less about the Housewives of anything.  I only watch the Housewives of Beverly Hills and New York.  The others bore the fuck outta me.  

But Camille!  Talk about desperately trying to have a storyline.  Her freaking mansion burned down during the Malibu fires and she was super upset because it was the only house that was truly HERS!  (Thank you Kelsey Grammer for your humongous $30 million divorce settlement) 

It's very odd.  When she first appeared on RHOBH she was affected and bitchy but then, …. after she wasn't a regular and started appearing as a guest, she got nice?!  And I thought, uh, well, maybe she's more comfortable to be herself.  But NAW.  She's just a phoney b*tch.  

Vanderpump was a no show to the reunion tapings and has announced that she will not return to the Housewives because THOSE WOMEN!  QUESTIONING HER INTEGRITY?!  HOW DARE THEY!  So, she orchestrates this whole scenario wherein she decides to get a lie detector test, on camera, to prove that she did not leak an item to Radar Online.  What's that saying by Shakespeare?  …  "lady doth protest too much, me thinks."  Just sayin'.  

Personally I find Vanderpump a bit much.  I think she throws the rock and then hides her hand and plays innocent.  Her image is everything to her and I won't miss her at all.  Used to like her … not so much anymore.  

As for the other ladies, love them all!

Rinna - LOVE!

Erika Jayne - LOVE HER!

Denise Richards - LOVE!

Teddy Mellenkamp - LOVE!

Dorit - a little full of herself, but NOT like Vanderpump.

Kyle Richards has been on the show since the beginning.  She was Vanderpump's best friend, but over the years you could see how Vanderpump ran the relationship.  It was her way or the highway.  She'd throw Kyle under the bus in a heartbeat after making her do her dirty work and then hang Kyle out to dry.  Not very nice LVP.  Kyle seems really torn up over the loss of this friendship.  But as an outsider looking in, losing Vanderpump's "friendship" is not a loss.  Friends do not throw friends under the bus.  Period.  EVER.  However, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE Kyle stop with performing the splits and swinging her hair like a 1960's GO-GO girl every time she gets plastered. 

That's it!  Bye for now!

SMOOCHES!

Dannyland ... #1,347

SO, it's 183 degrees in Los Angeles today.  Unlike other parts of the country, summer in So. Cal starts in July and ends literally on November 1.  My husband is also in vacation this week.  I hate when he's on vacation.  I love him.  But I hate when he's home.  Every.  Day.  For a week.  

Today he says:  "HEY!  Let's make carne asada!  

This means that I, yours truly, will have to stand over a hot stove and make rice and beans, and slice avocados and then I get to heat up a bunch of tortillas.  Corn and Flour.  I hate heating corn tortillas because they take a year.  A flour tortilla heats up in seconds.  Corn, not so fast.  This is because Danny likes them burnt … to a crisp, which I have told him over and over again is carcinogenic and not good for you, but whatever.  I don't understand why he just doesn't eat his beans with chips, but I digress.

OK.  She here's the annoying part.  To make Spanish rice you need tomato sauce.  I ALWAYS HAVE TOMATO SAUCE because I MAKE LOTS OF RICE.  Every time I go to the market I will pick up at least 2 cans of tomato sauce just for this purpose.  Now, in the old days when you went to the market it was EASY to buy TOMATO SAUCE.  Because TOMATO SAUCE was just TOMATO SAUCE.  It's not like that anymore.  Now they have tomato sauce, "with garlic," "Italian style tomato sauce," "tomato sauce with no salt," "tomato sauce with basil," "tomato sauce for meatloaf,"  etc., et al.  Also, the tomato sauce is on the lowest shelf which means this old lady with arthritis in her knee has to BEND DOWN and read every freaking can of tomato sauce just to find PLAIN OLD TOMATO SAUCE. 

So, I look in the pantry.  EUREKA!  Tomato sauce …. Italian style.  FUCK.  So I tell Dan …. "we have no tomato sauce."  Let's leave this right her for a moment.

Danny, the man who can FIND NOTHING …

Hon, where are my … (shoes, keys, wallet, glasses, toothbrush, socks, dental floss, Q-tips, FILL IN THE BLANK)  IMMEDIATELY BEGINS SEARCHING THE PANTRY …. FOR TOMATO SAUCE. With a vengeance.  He never EVER searches for anything unless it is directly related to his stomach.    

I REITERATE … DAN!  WE DON'T HAVE ANY!  (for which I am secretly so happy about because I now do not have to make rice in a hot kitchen with the temps outside at 183 degrees) … 

DAN, the man who can find NOTHING, ...

FINDS THE FUCKING PLAIN TOMATO SAUCE.  OF COURSE.  

Hon!  (he shouts with glee) I FOUND TOMATO SAUCE!

KILL ME.

People and things that bug the shit outta me ... Part 797

1.     People who just sit in their cars in a parking lot, right next to my car,  

        bug the shit outta me;

2.     The Ameritrade financial guy bugs the shit outta me …        

3.     Kathy Lee Gifford bugs the shit outta me.

4.  Julia Roberts, The Princess of Hollywood, who got her panties in a 

     twist because she didn't get an Emmy nomination … bugs the shit outta me. 

Julia could never make it in the real world because NO ONE gets applause or Emmy nominations just for going to work.  EVER.  Freaking cry baby.

That's all ... for now.

THE MET GALA ...

There was a multitude of crazy looking idiots.  These are just a few ...

Alicia Keys - Grade:  C-   Color is SO WRONG.  Bland, boring minty green.  

Amber Valetta - Grade:  C-

Though she maintains a very clean lady garden, this would have looked much better with a skirt.

Cardi B - Grade:  F-

I don't know about you, but I've always wanted to see a gown that looks just like the inside of a vagina.

Cara Something or other.  Grade:  B- (for good use of color and whimsy)

She looks like ribbon candy.

Celine Dion has obviously lost her mind.  Showgirl goes glam ...

  

Dakota Johnson - I've always wanted to wear a dress that looks like a tarot card.

Diane Von Furstenberg as "Lady Liberty" .... NO.

Elle Fanning channeling the 1960's ... FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY LOOKS PRETTY.

Emily Blunt looking like a golden goddess.  Grade:  B+

Emily whats-her-name ... Hey!  Girlfriend ... why don't you just show everyone your tits?  You know you want to.  Also, not feeling the Cher headress.  Plus you totally ripped off Cher's HALF- BREED look. 

So, I actually like this one.  Appropriately campy and costumey.  

 

Kendall Jenner - Love the orange but she looks like a Vegas showgirl.

Kim - you look wet and smashed.  Grade:  D-

 

Mama Jenner.  Grade:  F-

Why don't you stay home once in a while?  Your look is all wrong.  Hate the blue, hate the gray, hate the blonde.  

Lily Collins - Grade:  A
Very beautiful young girl.  Love the black contrasted against the white. 

Saoirse Ronan (I think) - a gorgeous girl, love this gown.  Appropriately campy and pretty.

Salma the Great.  Looking like a brunette Helen of Troy... GORGEOUS!

Sienna Miller - WHAT A BEAUTY!  LOVE THE GOWN, LOVE THE HAIR, LOVE THE MAKEUP - WINNER WINNER WINNER!

Eileen Fisher ...

This is another rant.

So I saw Eileen Fisher's new collection spring/summer.  Love it all.  But damn her clothes are EXPENSIVE!!  

These are clothes for women of a certain age, usually fat, or, if you're really tall they'd look great on you.  They have an oversized, comfortable look and feel and are made for rich ladies.  That is why rich ladies who are fat always manage to still look chic.  Fat ladies who are not rich always just look like fat ladies.  

For instance, this outfit right here:

Tres chic right?  Guess how much?  A total of approximately $1,000.  ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. 

Or this one:

Organic linen jacket - price:  $278

Really Eileen?  

And everyone fawns over this lady who designs "real clothes for real women."  You, Eileen, are a liar.  You design chic clothes for rich ladies.

FYI:  Do you know how much more money you'd make if you made your clothes available for regular ladies?  GUHZILLIONS.  You'd totally become a multi-billionaire overnight.  And I mean not scrimping on material or style just because your clothes will go into Target or Macys.

Another place I like to shop is J. Jill.  However, $49 for a t-shirt is excessive.  I usually wait for sales.  You can get some good stuff on sale.  BUT sometimes the quality isn't all that.  After a few washings, you might as well have bought the damn t-shirt from Target.

This is why I understand why older ladies dress the way they dress.  I could never figure out why my aunts, as they got older started wearing nurses shoes.  I thought that was so weird.  But now, I understand.  Or why they'd wear a beautiful dress or gown with ugly flat shoes to a wedding.  Now I understand.  I actually remember telling myself that I WOULD NEVER wear flat shoes with a beautiful dress to a wedding.  NEVER.  Now, I understand.

I come from a really cool blended family.  My husband's ex-mother-in-law is my friend.  We picked her up one day for a joint birthday party that my step-daughter was throwing for her grandmother, her mother, her aunt and myself.  February/March and April birthdays.  When we picked up Leeanne she looked beautiful and I told her so.  So she tells me, "Deb, I haven't put on a bra in months!"  I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING.  But I get it.  Then we got to the restaurant.  It was one of those typical California days.  Ninety degrees in March.  Leanne hates the heat as I do.  So we both get off the car and immediately start whining.  As we're walking to the restaurant I see the family gathered around and all sitting on the patio IN THE BLAZING SUN.  Leeanne and I just looked at each other with a look that said ... GOD, KILL ME NOW.  

THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF ...

1.   These freaking things right here:

No matter what, no matter where, these things follow me around.  I can guarantee you there will more than likely be one in my coffin.  And NO ONE WILL KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE.

2.  THESE!

WHEN are these freaking short ankle length pants going to go out of style?!  I HATE them.  You have to be 12 feet tall to wear them.  If you're 5'2" and fat, you look 5'2" AND FAT.  To the fucking left already!

3.  THESE!

Here is a plug:

Here is a socket:  

No matter which way I insert the plug, IT'S ALWAYS THE WRONG FUCKING WAY.  I have to then flip the plug over and re-insert.  I HATE THAT.  You think they'd mark them or something!

That's all.

To anyone who reads this and agrees, please comment.  I need to PROVE to Danny that these things are annoying not only to me but to others as well.  He thinks nobody will get it.  I think he's wrong and EVERYBODY will get it.

Thank you.

A LONG OVERDUE RANT .....

These two bitches right here:  

THIS is why I hate rich people.  They're cheaters!  I HATE CHEATERS!  People who can not only afford to send their kids to fancy schools, but when they have kids who are too stupid to actually get into those schools, they can pay off and bribe people to LIE in order to get their stupid kids into fancy schools.  

Here's the thing.  You can cheat at Monopoly, but the win isn't legitimate.  How can anyone enjoy that?  THAT kind of win never satisfied me.  BECAUSE I DIDN'T REALLY WIN.  But there are those people who don't care HOW they win, even if it is by cheating and lying.  Back in the Dark Ages when I was a little girl, how often did I hear a teacher say:  CHEATERS NEVER PROSPER.  But you know what?  THEY DO.  WHEN THEY'RE RICH. 

Lori Loughlin's daughter, Olivia Jade, has her own You Tube channel.  Check it out if you want your brains turned to oatmeal.  What a self-involved little twit  going on and on about HER CAREER ?????  Now it looks like USC may expel her.  MAY expel her?  THEY ABSOLUTELY SHOULD FUCKING EXPEL HER?  She cheated.  She doesn't have the ability, nor the scores to be attending USC.  Expel her ass.  Now here's another sad fact:  Miss Olivia Jade DOESN'T NEED A DEGREE FROM USC because she's already loaded due to mommie and daddy.  Forget feeling any shame.  Forget any suffering.  NOTHING will happen to her. 

NOTHING!!!!!

And nothing will happen to her rich parents.  Oh, they may have to pay a fine (a fine that they can absolutely afford), but that's about it.  No one will go to jail.  Know why?  BECAUSE THEY'RE RICH.  

Here's what I would do.  I'D MAKE THEM PAY FOR THE EDUCATION OF THE GIRL OR BOY WHO DIDN'T GET INTO USC BECAUSE OF THEIR STUPID DAUGHTER.  Seems fair right?  Not only that.  They should pay for their housing and expenses too.  

UGH.