Thursday, July 26, 2018

Lies, lies, lies yeah ...

Dan and I have been married for a hundred and fifty years so you would think that there is no reason to tell little white lies anymore, right?  NO.

The other day I saw him walking around wearing with these really funky shoes.  They were like lady's orthopedic sandals.  And I asked him ... "where'd you get those shoes?"

Dan:  "I've had them for a long time I've just never worn them."  (FYI -- THIS is a woman's standard lie). 

Me:  "Really?  When did you get them?"

Dan:  "I got them from Ebay a long time ago.  I only paid $40!"

Me:  "How come you've never worn them before?"

Dan:  "I actually forgot I had them."  

And all the time I'm thinking ... I've never seen those funky shoes in my life.

OK.  End of story.

Next day ...

I'm on the computer looking at my emails.  And what do I see?  I see an email from Ebay saying:  "Your new shoes were delivered YESTERDAY!" 

Mhmmmm, I say to myself.  Someone has some 'splainin' to doooooooo.

I call Dan on the phone. 

Me:  "Honey?"
Dan:  "Yeah"
Me:  "Can I ask you a question?"
Dan:  "Sure."
Me:  "Why did you lie to me about those funky shoes you bought?  I know they were delivered YESTERDAY because I READ THE EMAIL."

A short pause ....

Dan:  "I didn't want you to get mad at me for spending money." 




OK -- first of all, you have to understand that NO ONE GETS MAD AT DANNY when Danny spends money.  EVER. 

Did I say anything when he came home with a brand new T.V.?  NO.  I did not.

Did I say anything when he came home with a new $3,000 bicycle?  NO.  I did not.

Did I say anything when he came home with a brand new laptop?  NO.  I did not.


Danny never gets in trouble for spending money.  You know why?  Because I am not fast enough to block and counter-block all of his arguments as to WHY he purchased whatever it is that he purchased.  It's like his arguments are the rounds on an AK-47.  I can't respond to any of them fast enough because I'm already dead with facts. 

I, HOWEVER, GET IN TROUBLE FOR SPENDING MONEY.  That is why I now have a ME ACCOUNT.  My own savings account so I can do whatever I want and spend whatever I want to spend on.  I should have done this years ago when we first got married but I was all "in love" back then.  You know.  Wanting to be the perfect wife and all that crap.  I actually had this idea in my head that on Dan's last day of life he would say that he'd had the perfect wife ... one who never yelled at him or gave him a moment's grief. 

That didn't last long. 




6 comments:

  1. So.... what's the deal with the "ladies' orthopedic sandals"? I was afraid this was going in a totally different direction. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Boyfriend has plantar fasciitis. Very painful. So now he is reduced to wearing funky shoes.

      Delete
  2. Sorry, but I'm smiling at this story. That was the weakest lie ever!

    Still, this:

    " It's like his arguments are the rounds on an AK-47. "

    Made me guffaw!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are hilarious! I identify with so much of this! That last picture of Daffy? It took me quite some time too realize that was his left hand/wing. I had to get my mind out of the gutter, heh.

    ReplyDelete
  4. after my divorce, I vowed that if I ever married again, there would be HIS account and MY account. and after 27 years that arrangement is still working.

    ReplyDelete

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