SNARKY DEBBIE ...

OH God.  Jennifer Lopez has gone and written herself a book.  Guess what it's called?  Are you ready?  "TRUE LOVE".  She's doing the whole promotion thing, hitting all the talk shows and TOTALLY crying about how Ben Affleck broke her heart and FINALLY admitting that she's afraid to be alone. 

NO.  NOT YOU JENNIFER.  YOU'RE AFRAID TO BE ALONE???  BUT YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL ....YOU'RE SO SEXY ... NOOOOOOO ... AND she's even admitting she has self-esteem issues.

Jen, the entire fucken world knows you're afraid to be alone.  How do we know this?  Because you have NEVER been alone.  You overlap relationships one after another.  I KNEW Ben Affleck wouldn't marry you.  And I don't think it was heartbreak you were feeling ... it was shock.  Shock that ANYONE would leave you and FEAR that there was no one waiting in the wings.  OH WAIT.  If I remember correctly, Ben Affleck left you at the alter in January of 2004.  That June you married Marc Anthony.  A mere FIVE MONTHS after your got your heart broken.  [insert Nene Leaks here] PLEASE girlfriend.  That does not describe a broken heart.  A broken heart is when all you do is cry and smoke cigarettes for three months.  You can't eat or sleep and you torture yourself by thinking, thinking, THINKING about what you said and what you did that made him leave.  You make yourself crazy wanting to know why, why, WHYYYYYY!!!  Then, you typically go through a man-hating period after which you start to wonder (but only if you're in touch with yourself and evolving as a human being) Hey?  Maybe it's me?  Then, you get yourself a good therapist and commit to that for about a year, preferably more.  Slowly you start to getting your shit together, you heal your broken heart, you learn new tools and take better care of your heart.  THEN ... and only then, do you even consider dating again.  That is what a NORMAL person does.  Only a CRAZY person gets dumped and IMMEDIATELY marries someone, ANYONE, two months later. 
You, Jennifer ... are a CRAZY person.

Allow me to elaborate if you will ... get into your head so to speak, and tell me if I'm wrong ...

After making "Selena" you marry sexy waiter Ojani Noa.  You marry him because he was super good looking and sexy and you thought about how poor Selena's life was cut short and here you are, young, alive, and in love and you have this hunky guy that you don't even know but what the hell!  I think I'll marry him!  ... Result:  Marriage No. 1.

 

When the blush was off that rose (approximately ONE year later) you divorce Ojani and immediately jumped into Puffy's bed. Your relationship with Puffy lasted the expected two years and ends mainly because he was totally ruining your reputation and people were beginning to think of you as some low-life gang banging chick and you couldn't have that!  Jenny from the Block is NO gang banging chick!  Hence -- you kick Puffy to the curb.

You immediately take up with your back up dancer Cris Judd (while you were still dating Puffy you two-timing bitch) ... you marry Cris .... because OHMYGOD you couldn't believe you found love again ... RESULT:  Marriage No. 2.

 

 

While STILL married to poor ol Cris Judd you two timed him with Ben Affleck you back stabbing whore.  You got engaged to Ben Affleck (OF COURSE) ... he buys you a gigantic pink diamond, you go on national T.V. to tell the entire world how he proposed to you by dropping rose petals all over your living room floor blah blah blah and then you have the gall to say on national t.v. that you just can't understand why people are so interested in your life and your relationship.  You and Ben caused a fucken media storm wherever you went and even coined a popular phrase "Bennifer" ... Thank you for that Jen.  BUT, Ben came to his senses in the nick of time and got out while the getting was good.  THREE WEEKS later (exactly twenty-one days) after getting your heart broken [insert nene leaks here] you start seeing Marc Anthony.  You marry him forty-five minutes later (actually, four months but hell, who's counting), you popped out a set of twins, divorced Marc, and began dating a child, Casper Smart, three months later.  

Now you're ALONE.   GIRL, TRUST ME ... YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT A BROKEN HEART IS. A BROKEN HEART IS WHEN YOU ARE DUMPED, LEFT BEREFT AND THERE IS NO ONE WAITING IN THE WINGS TO COMFORT YOU, BUY YOU DIAMONDS OR TELL YOU HOW PRETTY YOUR ARE.  YOU SUFFER, YOU CRY, YOU WANNA KILL YOURSELF.  THAT IS A BROKEN HEART. 

Most chicks figure this shit out by the time they're 30.  You are WAY behind schedule and you're like what?  FORTY-FIVE now?  Do you even know who you are?  And you have the audacity to WRITE A BOOK?  Oh honey.  YOU NEED TO SHUT THE HELL UP AND SIT THE HELL DOWN.  When you have spent at least one to two years in complete solitude without a man within a thousand yards or more, then MAYBE we can talk.  Until then, you have nothing to say to anyone.  People are only going to buy your stupid book to get the 411 on all the men you banged and how good they were, or weren't, in bed, but we all know you don't care about that as long as they BUY THE BOOK ... CHA CHING!

And there you have it ... TRUE LOVE.   $$$$$$$$$