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NOW SHE'S JUST LIKE KIM!! ... FINALLY!!

Kris Jenner has gone and gotten herself a new boyfriend.  This is Kris Jenner celebrating her FIFTY-NINTH birthday with her new boyfriend Corey Gamble (33 years old), who just happens to be Justin Bieber's road manager.  

FINALLY!  After all her hard work!  She has everything she's ever wanted!  She has it all!  And she looks great!  Thanks to her plastic surgeon she has the face of a 30 year old and the boobs of 40 year old.  

And now she's got a hunky, sexy new boyfriend to go with her new life.  Wow, how great! 



Look at that smile on his face.  You know what that smile says to me? 

CHA CHING!!
 
The dude probably has plenty of coin himself but let's face it ... Kris Jenner is FILTHY rich.  And you have to BE pretty filthy to get that rich.  Pimping out your children?  Filthy.  Selling sex tapes and turning your daughter's shame into profit?  Filthy.  Aren't mothers supposed to teach their children morals and self-respect?  Yeah well ... Miss Kris sure isn't going to win Mother of the Year anytime soon that's for sure.  Never, have I seen a woman so intent on being like her younger, sexier daughters.  And now that she has a new boyfriend they can REALLY be "girlfriends!"  They can have sleep overs and give each other pedicures and talk about the size of their boyfriends' dicks!  How fun!



Word to the wise Kris ... better be careful or Khloe might steal him away from you.  Or Kendall.  Or Kylie.  (Kris .... you have heard of Demi Moore right?)

As for Bruce, he's been dating Kris's best friend.  Considering this, I don't think they're BFF's anymore because once you start dating your best friend's ex-husband well, that kind of puts a big ol damper on the friendship wouldn't you say?  

Damn would I love to be a fly on the wall during one of their conversations.   In print they're so civilized but in real life YOU JUST KNOW that shits gotta get real.  I wonder if Kris will televise this part of their lives on KUWTK.  Bruce's new relationship vs. Her new relationship; who's getting more sex; who's getting better sex.  I, for one, wouldn't put it past her.  Personally, I can't wait for the program that will air 15 years from now when all the Kardashians talk about what REALLY went down all those years ago ...


THE KARDASHIANS CIR. 2029

Bruce will remarry and live happily ever after.  He will revel in the use of his gonads and spine which Kris obligingly sold back to him for an inflated and unreasonable fee, but to Bruce it was worth it.  He is a new man.  He flies his little helicopters and plays golf all day long to his heart's content and no one nags the shit outta him.    

Kris will continue to date and remarry at least two more times.  Once all her children finally cut the umbilical cord and live their own lives in their own homes with their own children she will have a nervous breakdown and will be committed to a mental institution where she will reminisce constantly and talk to herself nonstop to no one.  The reason for her breakdown?  No paparazzi or cameras in her face 24/7.  The staff at the hospital have made sure to have plenty of mirrors on the walls.  This seems to calm her down and makes her happy.      

Kim will morph into Kris and North West will shoot her first Playboy Centerfold at age 12.  Kim will go on to marry three more times and have four more daughters which is great because girls are fantastic at making porn money.   

Kendall will go on to superstar status as a model and actress totally eclipsing all of her family members and her relationship with Kim will suffer the most especially after she wins the Oscar for portraying Kim in a gritty drama based on her life. 

Kylie will go on to marry Jaden Smith and divorce him after having triplets.  She will then have her own talk show where various topics such as:  Sex Toys - Yes or No?  And How Young Is Too Young for your Daughter to Date -- 11 or 12?  All will be discussed ad nauseum. 

Khloe will remarry and happily fade away from public life.  She will live a peaceful, happy existence with her husband who, oddly enough, is not a professional athlete.  After having two children and gaining 200 lbs. an amazing thing happened ... instantaneous anonymity!  No one recognizes her anymore!  And she loves it!  How liberating it is to be big, fat, and normal!

Rob will go on to law school, graduate and become an advocate for brow-beaten men everywhere.  He will be the next Gloria Allred (but for dudes).  He will go on to make loads of money which he will invest in seminars and weekends designed to help men find their testicles.  He said that being on KUWTK helped him to find his calling in life.  Helping men find themselves and ridding them of the ball-busting women they married is now his life's work. 

As for Kourtney, she now has six children all with Scott Disick.  Those two crazy kids ... can't live with each other or without each other.  They have not married and have no plans to do so in the future.  After all, what's a piece of paper?  Disick is still an alcoholic and a moron, and Kourtney is still the voice of reason in a sea of unreasonableness.

So there you have it.  This will go into my "Time Capsule" of blog posts.  November 2029 I'll pull it out and we'll compare notes.  If any of you would like to add your predictions, feel free.  After all, TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE.

SMOOCHES DARLINGS!



Comments

  1. Brilliant.

    Sickening--because it's sounds so true--but brilliant. Thanks for the giggles.

    Like a certain right-wing Republican horse-faced writer, I never mention the matriarch of the Kardastrophe Klan by name on my blog; she's always "That Woman."

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mama is a relentless media whore motivated by a sick desire for fame. One would think a parent would be appalled if their child was in a sex tape. Yet she leveraged it for publicity in order to build a brand. What a sick twisted woman.

    ReplyDelete

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