OK. Just realize that I know who NO ONE is. Except of course, all the old farts like myself.
BLACK SABBATH. I was never into Black Sabbath. My brother was. And people who worshipped Satan. However ... they've been nominated for a Grammy this year so I wish them luck. Also, I think they deserve an award for still being alive. Especially Ozzy. Good luck guys.
This here is Bonny McKee. (Who the hell is this???) Anywho .... this gown is a bit too much for the Grammys. Though her flame colored hair makes the deep blue of this gown pop ... her hair STYLE leaves much to be desired. It looks like she just came out of the pool and didn't have time to do her hair. Grade: D-
Miss Chrissy Teigen. John Legend's wifey-poo. Very glam ... gold sequince gown, pretty hair, pretty makeup but you know what? I don't think she's THAT pretty. Call me crazy. Sequince is always a risky fabric to go with because it can easily look cheap. But ... she is quite pulled together. Grade: B+
This little dude right here is Ed Sheeran. I only know this because I went with Laura when she dropped off her daughter Paulina and her girlfriend at his concert in L.A. Paulina and her friend Sabrina are CRAZY about this guy. The maroon tie is NOT happening and the shoes ... well, IT'S AN AWARD SHOW ED. But because I LOVE Paulina, I'mona give Ed a good grade. Grade: A+
Giuliana Rancic the toothpick
Anorexic Giuliana Rancic. I'm tired of pleading with you Giuliana. You are an x-ray. If that's how you want to go through life, more power to you. But be advised that your limited intake of nutrition will kill you. Just sayin'.
For black jumpsuit above: Grade: C-
For orange gown: Grade: A (love the color, love the dress, love the makeup).
Faith Evans. The hair is not cutting it. The gown isn't cutting it. The bag isn't cutting it. Grade: C (for not cutting it).
Paris Hilton looking very ladylike. Mhmmm. Though I hate to do so, I have to give her an A. She looks quite elegant. Even though she's a skanky ho.
Mr. John Legend. The MOST elegant man on the red carpet. I love him. He is gracious, polite, talented, a real gentleman. And he looks good too. Grade: A+
Tia Carrere. The Heidi Klum of the Grammys. Honey, ... you're old now. The Michael Jackson jacket and big cross necklace are WAY 1980's. Not a hip look my love. I suggest you just fade away quietly and keep whatever's left of your dignity. Grade: F-
Willy Nelson looking a little bit like Annie Oakley with those long assed braids. He also looks about 104. I guess when you're that old you can do and dress any old way you like. Grade: F
Gloria Estefan. The ONLY REAL LADY on the red carpet. LOVE Gloria. She is so elegant and tasteful. Beautiful! Grade: A+
Taylor Swift. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. PERFECT. Nothing more to say ... Grade: AAA WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!
Madge. THE BEST FACELIFT EVER. These two look quite snappy. Ms. Madonna ... the most INAUTHENTIC human being on earth. EVERYTHING this woman does is for press/publicity/controversy and everybody who knows me knows I hate Madonna. However ... she looks put together. Grade: B(itch) ... I couldn't help myself.
Katy Perry. She is so pretty. I actually like the song notes on the front of her dress but I can't figure out the rest. Are those big cuffs? And it's a sheer round neck with a V-neck underneath???? There's too much going on. Make up your mind Katy. Grade: C-
Alicia Keyes. Mhmmm. Alicia, you're looking very J-Lo in the posterior and the open front is making me cold but other than that, this is a very pretty gown. Grade: B+
Sean Lennon, Yoko Ono and friend. These three look extremely weird ... sorta like life-sized puppets. Yoko is the tiniest woman with the biggest tits I've ever seen. I DO blame her for the Beatles breaking up so I have never been a fan. Grade: BIG FAT FUCKEN F.
Ashanti. The only thing that is missing is the feather duster. Grade: D
Cyndi Lauper can do. No. Wrong. I LOVE HER! She's beautiful and quirky and VERY talented. Beautiful songwriter and performer. Grade: A+
Stevie Nicks. ANOTHER ONE WHO CAN DO NO WRONG. LOVE HER. A prolific songwriter, musician and singer. This is what REAL TALENT looks folks! Grade: A+
Skylar Grey. Skylar (whoever you are) ... if you wanted to go naked why didn't you just go naked instead of spending a ton of money on a nude colored leather gown? And the tats are distracting as hell. They look like dirt. Grade: F- to the nth degree.
So that's it for me folks. Mama's been feeling under the weather the past week ... allergies - ugh. If I missed anyone, forgive me. Feel free to leave your thoughts/critiques/comments. And don't forget ... THE OSCARS ARE ON THE WAY!!!!