HOUSEWIFES OF ORANGE COUNTY ...

TAMRA BARNEY WAH WAH WAH ...

Tamra Barney was invited to talk at the L.A. Women's Expo.  Why on earth they had her there beats me.  The Womens Expo is about empowering women.  This chick never did anything on her own.  I'm mean seriously ... she got knocked up at 17, got married, had the baby and by 21 she was divorced.  Then she marries Simon.  Has three kids, and gets divorced to which she then IMMEDIATELY hooks up with Eddie, her ex-husband's friend.  Now she's engaged to HIM.  When has she EVER done anything on her own?  Girl, you need to sit down and SHADDUP.  Yeah, you have a business NOW because you're on Housewives of Orange County and people are willing to front you $$$$, etc., et al.  Do it all on our own without special connections or your so-called fame ... if you can, then I'll give you props, but something tells me you're just going to fall back into your old patterns, marry another man (which you're already doing) and well ... I can totally predict what's going to happen.  IF you marry Eddie, you're going to have the SAME problems you have had in all your other relationships --- GUARANTEED.  Here's my best advice for you (and believe me, I would never offer my best advice to a mean ol bitch like you but here goes) ...

1.  GET THERAPY.  Commit to a good four to five years.  Own your stuff and admit you're a mean old bitch because you're super insecure and scared shitless.  Once you do this, you will grow immensely.  I promise.

2.  GO TO CHURCH or TAKE ON A SPIRITUAL PRACTICE.

3.  STOP being mean and vindictive.  JUST STOP.  Every time you feel like getting up in someone's face mentally say to yourself "STOP".  And remember, practice makes perfect.  Soon, you will see how engaging in negative, aggressive behavior is wasted energy and only makes YOU look bad.

If you grow like you're supposed to, you will eventually leave the Housewives because it will be too toxic an environment for you.  But again, that's IF you grow.  I'm not going to hold my breath on this one considering that you and the Chipmunk have already signed on for your own spin off.  What's it called again?  Eddie and Tamra Find True Love? 

So there you have it.  For what it's worth.  Don't say I never gave you anything.




On to Heather and Terry Dubrow ...

So Terry was a dick a while back and I totally get why Heather is pissed.  He's always making fucken jokes and never takes her stuff seriously.  It would piss me off too.  Granted, she's LOADED but I get her frustration.  And yet, I can't help but lecture her.  Heather ... this is why you should NEVER, EVER GIVE EVERYTHING UP FOR A MAN.  There.  They give up NOTHING for us.  EVER.  Learn from me Heather.

Gretchen wants to have a baby.  Slade had his boys snipped over 10 years ago and shoots blanks.  So it was off to the doctor they went.  She, to make sure she is fertile and He, to find out about unsnipping the snip. 

All is well with Gretchen and her plumbing.  In the doctor's words her insides are "lush and plump with beautiful follicles on her ovaries" which thrills her to no end. 

However, the news wasn't all good.  Doc said that because Slade had his boys snipped so long ago he is probably producing weak sperm and their best chance of conceiving is to go with IVF (invitro fertilization) in order for them to have the longed for baby.  This seriously disappointed Gretchen because I' sure she wanted to create her future spawn through the act of lovemaking and not with a turkey baster. 

OK ... I simply must weigh in here ... GRETCHEN ... LEAVE SLADE SMILEY RIGHT NOW.  He is a father to two kids he never sees, one is tragically ill, he doesn't pay his child support on time, he has no real job other than fetching your purses and worst of all ... YOU'RE THE THIRD HOUSEWIFE HE'S BANGED.  And you want to procreate with him?  HONEY ... the Botox is seeping into your brain.  You're not thinking right.  I know you love him and all, but STILL.  I promise you, that as he's driving out of the driveway to leave you, another man will be driving up the driveway to be with you ... that just seems to be the way things work on the Housewives.  I'm looking into my crystal ball right now and what I see does not look promising.  If you're not careful, you may end up with your own spin off ... "Gretchen and Slade Call It Quits."  Just trying to help a sista out. 

Miss Lydia, the newest Housewife is also rolling in dough and also a Christian.  Which makes for interesting viewing because her mother, Sister Moonbeam, is a righteous pothead.  It's a big bone of contention in their relationship. 

Which totally explains why Lydia is a right wing, Christian and why to this day, she is still her mother's mother.  That's a lot of baggage if you ask me.  It's no fun being your mother's mother.

Here's mom ... she's a pretty lady but, according to Lydia, she spent her entire childhood and adolescence with a mother who was stoned 24/7. 

You know it's not that hard to figure these people out.  Mom is a flake, likes to get high EVERY DAY, daughter is a square, conservative, mommy type.  It makes perfect sense.  Lydia wants her mom to quit smoking weed and mom says she has.  She only takes a toke here and there. 



Good luck with that.






And last but not least, Alexis is still dumb.