A JAUNT THROUGH DANNYLAND AND A RANT ...

I love my husband to death but sometimes he bugs the shit outta me. 

FIRST -  ALL HE DOES IS EAT! The other day when he got home from work he immediately opened up the Cost Co. sized container of almonds and sat at the dining room table shoving almonds into his mouth and crunching the fuck outta them ... crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch FUUUUUUUCK!!! 

When we go to the market, he starts eating WHILE we are shopping.  Anything he can rip open with his hands or his teeth, he does.  He will then eat half of the purchase before we even get to the check out stand.  The fruit, the chips, anything.  He's like a damn squirrel, always foraging for food. He has the metabolism of an Olympic athlete ...  and that's another thing ... if he were a girl he'd be a size 2.  The man has NO body fat.  It's not right.  He can easily polish off a gigantic bag of chips and an entire jar of salsa in under an hour.  I can't buy food fast enough to keep up with him.  I bought a Claim Jumper pie the other day because I thought it would be nice for dessert.  He ate the entire pie.  All of it.  I had one forkful.  Seriously.  I think he might have Pica ... that disease that makes people eat anything that doesn't eat them first. 

This is what he ate today:  At 6:00 pm he had a soft tostada and a "regular" tostada and a big bag of greasy fries from Mario's - this was because I was out all day and didn't make my usual five star dinner (eyes rolling) ... then about half an hour later he ate what was left of the gigantic Cost Co sized bag of pita chips.  Then he finished off the last of the Cost Co sized plastic container of cherries.  Then he had half of the Cost Co sized plastic container of pineapple AND THAT'S A LOT OF PINEAPPLE.  It is now 9:03 pm.  Don't you think that's a lot of food?!?

I actually questioned my friend about this.  She is a nurse practitioner ...

Me:  "So ... do you think he has Pica?"

Marianne:  "Are his eyes bulging?  Are his hands shaky?"

Me:  (thinking ... yeah but then he eats) ... "No."

Marianne:  "Mhmmmm.  Has he had his Thyroid checked?"

Me:  "Well, he just had a physical.  Nothing like that came up, but that is an excellent observation!"  

People with a thyroid condition either eat like pigs and gain no weight, or eat like pigs and gain a ton of weight .... the latter would be me. 

I'm going broke feeding this man. He has no idea how much money I spend on groceries.  He  could live in the Stater Bros. and probably consume the contents of the entire store in a three month period.  So, I start thinking to myself WHY is that I feel the need to to run to the market for ANOTHER jar of salsa so he can polish off the the last of the chips?  And then it hits me!  OMG ... I've been ENABLING him!  Yeah yeah.  It's MY fault.  I have been contributing to this reckless, wasteful consumption of food and it MUST STOP IMMEDIATELY.  (Note to self).

He sure is cute though

TWO - Because I am un-fucken-employed  I am not allowed to ask for his help around the house.  PERIOD.   EVER.  This is because HE has to go to work and I get to stay home all day eating bon-bons and blogging while the cleaning fairy twitters about doing all MY chores:  the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking and wiping the oily urine stains at the base of the toilet bowl.  The most he can handle is MAYBE taking the trash out.  Dishes?  Forget it.  Vacuuming ... he'll do because you don't have to break a sweat.  Making the bed?  NEVER.  Folding laundry - only if it's towels because they're easy ... anything more complicated ... like with sleeves - NO.    

Whew!  I feel so much better!  I had to get that off my chest ... THANK YOU.