Skip to main content

A JAUNT THROUGH DANNYLAND AND A RANT ...

I love my husband to death but sometimes he bugs the shit outta me. 

FIRST ALL HE DOES IS EAT! The other day when he got home from work he immediately opened up the Cost Co. sized container of almonds and sat at the dining room table shoving almonds into his mouth and crunching the fuck outta them ... crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch FUUUUUUUCK!!! 

When we go to the market, he starts eating WHILE we are shopping.  Anything he can rip open with his hands or his teeth, he does.  He will then eat half of the purchase before we even get to the check out stand.  The fruit, the chips, anything.  He's like a damn squirrel, always foraging for food. He has the metabolism of an Olympic athlete ...  and that's another thing ... if he were a girl he'd be a size 2.  The man has NO body fat.  It's not right.  He can easily polish off a gigantic bag of chips and an entire jar of salsa in under an hour.  I can't buy food fast enough to keep up with him.  I bought a Claim Jumper pie the other day because I thought it would be nice for dessert.  He ate the entire pie.  All of it.  I had one forkful.  Seriously.  I think he might have Pica ... that disease that makes people eat anything that doesn't eat them first. 

This is what he ate todayAt 6:00 pm he had a soft tostada and a "regular" tostada and a big bag of greasy fries from Mario's - this was because I was out all day and didn't make my usual five star dinner (eyes rolling) ... then about half an hour later he ate what was left of the gigantic Cost Co sized bag of pita chips.  Then he finished off the last of the Cost Co sized plastic container of cherries.  Then he had half of the Cost Co sized plastic container of pineapple AND THAT'S A LOT OF PINEAPPLE.  It is now 9:03 pm.  Don't you think that's a lot of food?!?

I actually questioned my friend about this.  She is a nurse practitioner ...

Me:  "So ... do you think he has Pica?"

Marianne:  "Are his eyes bulging?  Are his hands shaky?"

Me:  (thinking ... yeah but then he eats) ... "No."

Marianne:  "Mhmmmm.  Has he had his Thyroid checked?"

Me:  "Well, he just had a physical.  Nothing like that came up, but that is an excellent observation!"  

People with a thyroid condition either eat like pigs and gain no weight, or eat like pigs and gain a ton of weight .... the latter would be me. 

I'm going broke feeding this man. He has no idea how much money I spend on groceries.  He  could live in the Stater Bros. and probably consume the contents of the entire store in a three month period.  So, I start thinking to myself WHY is that I feel the need to to run to the market for ANOTHER jar of salsa so he can polish off the the last of the chips?  And then it hits me!  OMG ... I've been ENABLING him!  Yeah yeah.  It's MY fault.  I have been contributing to this reckless, wasteful consumption of food and it MUST STOP IMMEDIATELY.  (Note to self).


He sure is cute though Red heart

TWO - Because I am un-fucken-employed  I am not allowed to ask for his help around the house.  PERIOD.   EVERThis is because HE has to go to work and I get to stay home all day eating bon-bons and blogging while the cleaning fairy twitters about doing all MY chores:  the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking and wiping the oily urine stains at the base of the toilet bowl.  The most he can handle is MAYBE taking the trash out.  Dishes?  Forget it.  Vacuuming ... he'll do because you don't have to break a sweat.  Making the bed?  NEVER.  Folding laundry - only if it's towels because they're easy ... anything more complicated ... like with sleeves - NO.    

Whew!  I feel so much betterI had to get that off my chest ... THANK YOU.  Rolling on the floor laughing

Comments

  1. Ha! My first husband was like that and to this day, doesn't have an ounce of fat on him. Grrr....

    LOVE YOU!!! XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  2. All in all, a good rant, and it probably felt good to get it out.

    And, as the launderer around our house, i can attest to the fact that anything with sleeves is hard.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, at least he is cute! You’ve got a good case for hiring a housekeeper when you go back to work.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This post made me laugh so hard because I can totally relate! Everyone who has been married for more than 20 minutes has been this annoyed at one time or another.

    ReplyDelete
  5. He ain't gonna change, Deb. Xanax and margaritas. That's all I got for ya.
    Sister-Friend.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

GO ON, TELL ME WHAT YOU REALLY THINK ...

Popular posts from this blog

HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

An Ode to Viggo
Who knows where or when my love for you began it took me by surprise and filled up my whole life
Some laughed and called me mad but I knew that was sad for love cannot be mocked and Viggo, my world rocked
I've seen his every film, his songs, his poems and still I love him more each day and that's how it will stay  for in my dreams he lives
Each step through ether's door we meet forever more and so shall it remain until my life should wane
- Signed Debbie Nunez Mortensen :) (yes, I know I'm weird)






























DANNYLAND ...

Danny has this disgusting habit of brushing his teeth and then rinsing his toothbrush and leaving it ALL WET in the toothbrush thing.  (See photo below.  A roll of toilet paper he sets on the counter like a cup and then sticks his toothbrush in the middle of it) ... what a genius huh?

The point?  Adisgusting, wet toothbrush will collect bacteria and mosquitoes and it's disgusting and filthy.  It drives me crazy.  Does he stop?  NO.  


What you're supposed to do is brush, rinse with HOT water and then DRY THE BRUSH THOROUGHLY ... THEN put it in the toothbrush thing.  IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

And how hard is it to take the yogurt OUT of the plastic bag?


God forbid he break a sweat. 

 Also, he never EVER closes a drawer, a cabinet, or a door ... EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Don't you HATE when your husband makes hamburgers ...




*sigh* ... my life.

OSCARS BEST AND WORST ...

Well, for some unknown reason I was unable to get E! Live on the Red Carpet!  I called the cable company, I unplugged the t.v. to reboot it ... NOTHING.  SO, I had to go with Channel 7's coverage which is NOT NEARLY AS IN DEPTH as E!  Needless to say Mama was pissed. 

So, with that in mind ... let's get started!


Alicia Vikander.  Beautiful!  She looks very young and sweet and elegant.  Love the color of this gown .... Grade:  A


Jennifer Lawrence.  BEAUTIFUL!  Love the hair, love the make up, love the the gown.  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!  Grade:  A++


Brie Larson.  I'm not really feeling this gown.  The color is beautiful but the belt and the bling and the ruffles and the pleats ... there's a lot going on here.  Grade:  C



Nice guy Dave Grohl and wife.  Class Couple!  Love her dress and earrings ... very pretty. Dave .... it's the ACADEMY AWARDS .... a traditional tux would have worked much better and you would have looked SO HANDSOME.  Wife Grade:  A, Dave's Grade:…