ARNIE ...

We lost our Arnie this last weekend. I could write endless tributes about his kindness, selflessness and his laughter ... he was such an amazing human being. I will miss him every day of my life and I don't know how I will live in a world where he no longer exists. I know he is with God his Creator, and with all our loved ones who have passed on. One thing Arnie loved to do was DANCE! And he and I would tear up the rug in the great by-gone disco days. This is a little clip from American Bandstand. Arnie is wearing white pants, striped shirt and blue sweater tied around the shoulders. Unfortunately, there are about five other guys dressed the same way! LOL! But he is the cute one dancing with the tall girl in red. Rest in Peace my dear, sweet cousin, and I will see you when I get to the other side. ♥

 

A JAUNT THROUGH DANNYLAND AND A RANT ...

I love my husband to death but sometimes he bugs the shit outta me. 

FIRST -  ALL HE DOES IS EAT! The other day when he got home from work he immediately opened up the Cost Co. sized container of almonds and sat at the dining room table shoving almonds into his mouth and crunching the fuck outta them ... crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch FUUUUUUUCK!!! 

When we go to the market, he starts eating WHILE we are shopping.  Anything he can rip open with his hands or his teeth, he does.  He will then eat half of the purchase before we even get to the check out stand.  The fruit, the chips, anything.  He's like a damn squirrel, always foraging for food. He has the metabolism of an Olympic athlete ...  and that's another thing ... if he were a girl he'd be a size 2.  The man has NO body fat.  It's not right.  He can easily polish off a gigantic bag of chips and an entire jar of salsa in under an hour.  I can't buy food fast enough to keep up with him.  I bought a Claim Jumper pie the other day because I thought it would be nice for dessert.  He ate the entire pie.  All of it.  I had one forkful.  Seriously.  I think he might have Pica ... that disease that makes people eat anything that doesn't eat them first. 

This is what he ate today:  At 6:00 pm he had a soft tostada and a "regular" tostada and a big bag of greasy fries from Mario's - this was because I was out all day and didn't make my usual five star dinner (eyes rolling) ... then about half an hour later he ate what was left of the gigantic Cost Co sized bag of pita chips.  Then he finished off the last of the Cost Co sized plastic container of cherries.  Then he had half of the Cost Co sized plastic container of pineapple AND THAT'S A LOT OF PINEAPPLE.  It is now 9:03 pm.  Don't you think that's a lot of food?!?

I actually questioned my friend about this.  She is a nurse practitioner ...

Me:  "So ... do you think he has Pica?"

Marianne:  "Are his eyes bulging?  Are his hands shaky?"

Me:  (thinking ... yeah but then he eats) ... "No."

Marianne:  "Mhmmmm.  Has he had his Thyroid checked?"

Me:  "Well, he just had a physical.  Nothing like that came up, but that is an excellent observation!"  

People with a thyroid condition either eat like pigs and gain no weight, or eat like pigs and gain a ton of weight .... the latter would be me. 

I'm going broke feeding this man. He has no idea how much money I spend on groceries.  He  could live in the Stater Bros. and probably consume the contents of the entire store in a three month period.  So, I start thinking to myself WHY is that I feel the need to to run to the market for ANOTHER jar of salsa so he can polish off the the last of the chips?  And then it hits me!  OMG ... I've been ENABLING him!  Yeah yeah.  It's MY fault.  I have been contributing to this reckless, wasteful consumption of food and it MUST STOP IMMEDIATELY.  (Note to self).

He sure is cute though

TWO - Because I am un-fucken-employed  I am not allowed to ask for his help around the house.  PERIOD.   EVER.  This is because HE has to go to work and I get to stay home all day eating bon-bons and blogging while the cleaning fairy twitters about doing all MY chores:  the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking and wiping the oily urine stains at the base of the toilet bowl.  The most he can handle is MAYBE taking the trash out.  Dishes?  Forget it.  Vacuuming ... he'll do because you don't have to break a sweat.  Making the bed?  NEVER.  Folding laundry - only if it's towels because they're easy ... anything more complicated ... like with sleeves - NO.    

Whew!  I feel so much better!  I had to get that off my chest ... THANK YOU. 

SO ...

I had an appointment with the City of _________ (I'd tell you but I'm seriously afraid of retribution) anyway, I got the letter in the mail a few weeks ago informing me that I QUALIFIED and MET WITH THEIR REQUIREMENTS and was INVITED to TEST for the Executive Secretary Position.  

The testing was today.  I just got home.  First of all, the testing was scheduled for 6:00 p.m., which I thought was a little weird, but at the same time I was grateful because I am SO NOT A MORNING person ... especially if you're going to put me in a classroom setting which for me is the equivalent of taking an Ambien. 

So, I arrive promptly, one half hour prior to the testing, as the letter suggested.  There were probably 70 people there all vying for ONE position.  Yes.  You read correctly.  ONE position.  I took a book because I cannot stand staring into space for even five seconds.    SO, after I took the time and effort to arrive one half hour early, to show "I care" and to make "an impression," the guy who was conducting the testing session apologizes because his colleague was running late and we couldn't start without her.  FUCKEN A!!!  Why is it there is ALWAYS ONE ASSHOLE who is late?!?!  Ugh!!  My biggest pet peeve of all time.  BE ON TIME DAMMIT!  

Also, consider this ... of these 70 people, imagine all of those who applied and were NOT invited to test.  I'd say three-hundred, easy. 

It was a room full of beaten down, been there done that, desperate looking people.  How I wish I had a video camera and could have gone around the room interviewing everyone and getting their stories.  Then, I'd write an opinion piece and send it to the White House.  I KNOW, I KNOW ... I'm just saying.  

So, the two gals at my table were employed, but both were dealing with horrendous drives and wanted to find something closer to home.  I didn't want to tell them but ... WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY LADIES!!!  Who doesn't want to work 10 minutes from home?!  Ugh.  One gal was in her mid-20's and the other was probably in her late 30's.    I'M FIFTY FUCKEN FIVE!  I spent my entire LIFE driving to and from work in horrible traffic every day for 30 years.  Cry me a fucken river.  (Gee, I just read this back and I sound so hostile).

There were one hundred questions on the test and I have to say that whenever I see one of those forms with those little circles that have to be filled in with a no. 2 pencil I get apoplectic.  It reminds me of all the tests I had to take in school to determine whether I was smart or dumb.  I never knew how I scored on any of those tests, but, if my teachers opinions were correct, I was fairly certain that I was somewhere near the "dumb" category.  Bastards. 

Test gets underway.  After about an hour and a half people start getting up to leave ... because they finished their test ... because they're smarter than I am, and because they can read faster and deduce better.  I immediately start to speed up.  See ... I can't help but "go there" ... I KNOW I'm smart, in my own way.  My mind is quick, in it's own way, but that is not what is being tested here.  If everyone were given an assignment to write a humorous blog about "being unemployed and trying to find a job" -- I would venture to guess that I'D WIN that assignment.  *SIGH* ... nothing worse than being a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.  But it is what it is.  

The gig pays about the same as my last job and they do provide "some" benefits (some????  that right there is suspect) ... they told us they'd start scheduling interviews about two weeks after the test.  I tried not to laugh out loud when he said that ... *sigh*

So THAT, ladies and germs, was my latest foray into the land of the gainfully employed.  Wish me luck.  

(p.s.  I left out the colonoscopy).

GOLDEN GLOBES, PART II

So, after checking out one of my favorite blogs "I Should Be Laughing" (http://ishouldbelaughing.blogspot.com) super funny and spot on, I felt I had to include more pics.  

Jessica Alba ... 

GORGEOUS.  She always looks like a movie star.  Grade:  A+

Amy Adams ...

Very pretty but, pale on pale on pale.  Too pale.

 Claire Danes ...

Pretty and boring.

Jennifer Lawrence ...

Great body.  Not feeling the belt.  She looks better as a blonde. 

Sarah Hyland ...

Loved this.  This little girl has great boobs.

Isla Fisher ...

Very pretty.  Veronica Lake side part (eyes rolling)

Tina Fey ...

Very 1950's.  Veronica Lake side part. 

Michelle Dockery ...

I liked this.  Very pretty.

Amy Pohler ...

Funky messy side bun and high-water pants.  This could have worked if the pants were longer.

Morena Baccarin ...

She looks like a nun.  All that missing is the veil.  Jeez.  You're at a party for crying out loud.

Emily Blunt ...

Love Emily Blunt. 

Kate Hudson ...

Very 1980's. 

it reminded me of this one from 2001 ...

Nicole Kidman ...

Love the hair, loved the makeup, hated the dress. 

OK.  I feel better now. 

GOLDEN GLOBES BEST AND WORST 2013

First of all ... can I just say that I'm tired of the messy side bun and the Veronica Lake side part that everybody and their brother had.  Ok, down to biz.  Truthfully, almost everyone looked really good.  However, there were a few who seriously need to get themselves a stylist.  They are the following:  

Alyssa Milano ...

What is this scrambled egg yellow, wrinkly dress with turquoise earrings and a BLACK clutch ????  The dress is way too long and her hair looked all greasy and unwashed.  Honey, I know you're a new mom and all but get it together.  You look TERRIBLE.  Grade:  F-

Hostess Giuliana Rancic ...

WHAT IS THIS?  Black velvet and beige with a choker and sleeves and peek-a-boo sleeves????  All that was missing was the parasol ... she looked like a Victorian hooker.  The hairband with the diamond thing was pretty but she seriously has that anorexic look to her, know what I mean?  The hollowed out cheeks and doe eyes ... there is just too much shit going on here.  She could use some highlights in her hair and not have pulled it back so tight (turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so ...)  FYI ... do NOT wear maroon colored lipstick.  Your lips at too thin.  Grade:  F

Kelly Osborne ...

LOSE THE FUCKEN LAVENDER HAIR UGH ... and invest in some tattoo removal. Grade:  F-

Julianne Hough ...

ABSOLUTELY stunningly gorgeous.  Very elegant, yet edgy - WOW.  Makeup and hair  gorgeous.  Perfection!  Grade:  A+ to the nth degree.  WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER!

Katherine McPhee ...

I thought this was so SEXEEEEE!  GORGEOUS!  Love the hair, love the dress, love the shoes!  This is a real winner.
Grade:  A+ with a circle and a snap!

Sexy Daniel Craig and wife Rachel Weiss ...

He looks FANTASTIC.  Her dress looks like it wasn't finished.  I like the sheer part at the top but the bottom looks stupid.  And see ... Veronica Lake side part (eyes rolling) ... Grade:  
Top of dress:  B-    
Bottom of dress:  F   
For an overall Grade of:  D-

Jessica Chastain ...

This was actually a beautiful gown BUT she should have put a couple of cantaloupes in the bodice.  The fabric bagged out too much and made the gown look like it didn't fit.  Again, I HATE that dark red lipstick.  She should have gone smokey on the eyes and light on the lips.  The only one who can really get away with that deep red lip is a brunette ... and some blondes.  But not Jessica Chastain.  And her eyebrows are invisible.  Grade:  D for improper fit.

Taylor Swift ...

She looked gorgeous.  This is the first time I've seen her look so grown up.  Gorgeous color sort of a deep eggplant.  Beautiful neckline.  Very sweet.  Loved it.  Grade:  A

Jodie Foster ...

Jodie Foster ALWAYS looks elegant and classy.  Love the gown, love the neckline, love the color, love the hair.  But GURL .... WTF were you talking about?!  You're gay but you're not but you want privacy but you're making an announcement but you've already come out but you haven't ...Jodie ... it's okay ... relax. 

Olivia Munn ...

I thought this was beautiful.  She had turquoise things (too big to call beading, ... stones?) at the bodice, beautiful black skirt with silver at the waist.  Loved the bag, loved the jewels, loved everything.  Definitely a WINNER.  Grade:  A+

Nicole Richie ...

This was UGLEEEE.  What is this periwinkle blue thing with long sleeves and a train and the black fringe bag?  And the turquoise eye shadow???  I think Ms. Nicole thinks it's 1975.  LOSER LOSER LOSER.  Grade:  F- to the negative of 10.

Salma Hayek ...

Salma can DO.  NO.  WRONG.  She is perfection on the red carpet ALWAYS.  And she's Mexican!!!  LATINAS RULE.  Grade:  A+++

Kelly Cuoco ...

I thought this was a beautiful gown but it looks like she let Clockstopper from Pico Viejo do her makeup.  Eyebrow pencil on the lips is NEVER a good look.  Grade:  C for poor application of makeup.  

Eva Longoria ...

Eva always looks pretty but Salma Hayek, you'll NEVER be.  Just sayin'. 

La Lopez ...

This looks like a reject from the Rose Bowl.  She obviously had her minions gather of the left over rose petals from all the floats and fashioned this concoction ... strategically placing each petal, which was glued with the tears of 13 virgins, to her body in an effort to stun and amaze all of us little people ... and see ... Veronica Lake side part. 

So dear readers, I could go ON AND ON AND ON but then I'd never get to Cost Co. I hope you enjoyed my little recap and will come back often.  The Academy Awards are next and I can't wait!

I have to say I LOVED Tina Fey and Amy Pohler!  Girls fucken rule and they should host all future award show events from here on in until FOREVER!

SMOOCHES!  Until next time .... MUAH!

(p.s.  For a real laugh and an expert analysis, visit my blogging friend Bob at http://ishouldbelaughing.blogspot.com/2013/01/globes-fashion-best-good-meh-bad-try.html)

THE HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS ...

So after the sit-down with Brandi and Scheana, we learn that Eddie Cibrian was a lying sack of shit and has basically screwed himself out of EVER having any future illicit sexual liaisons ... at least not with anybody who has a brain .. but then again he probably doesn't want somebody with a brain.  Oh whatever ... he's an ass-hole no matter what, and his ex-wife Brandi, and ex-mistress Scheana, are better off without this miserable excuse for a man.  It never ceases to amaze me the lengths a dirt bag like Eddie will go through to get a piece of a**.  He actually knew the girlfriend's mother!  Told the girlfriend he loved her!  And told his WIFE his weekend trips were guy trips!  If I were your mother I'd never speak to your pathetic ass again -- I'd be so ashamed that I'd raised a little pussy like you.  UGH.


Poor Leanne.  I hope she's paying attention.  But you know she's young and still in that delusional stage where she believes that SHE'S going to be the ONE to CHANGE him and make him a FAITHFUL, COMMITTED husband, etc., et. al. ... NOT.

Meanwhile, musical genius David Foster got some camera time and went on and on about his wife (new Housewife Yolanda), and what a great woman she is ...  and how she loves to cook, and she loves to take care of him, and because of her, he doesn't have to worry about mundane things because she's so fabulous ... blah blah blah.  THAT'S WHY WIVES WERE INVENTED YOU ASS WIPE!  So someone could cook and clean and blow you while you create your musical masterpieces and then feed your enormous ego.  Thank God I'm a feminist ... unfortunately, I'm married to a Neanderthal.

So Kyle gives a dinner party for the ladies and invites her girlfriend, Faye Resnick (who is DESPERATELY trying to get a regular gig on the Housewives) ... Well, Miss Faye decides to give Brandi a "talking-to" and inform her of all her personal character flaws.  Who the HELL is Faye Resnick to get all high and mighty with my girl Brandi?!  She doesn't even KNOW Brandi!  She feels perfectly okay lecturing Brandi (in the most lady like of ways of course ... with her pinkie in the air) and then she tells everyone at the table that she cannot stand "a liar."  (HOLD UP MIRROR HERE).

Personally, I don't know how Kyle can trust that Ho.  Remember the O.J. Trial?  She was the skank who wrote a book about her "murdered best-friend" Nicole Brown Simpson, and then told the entire fucken world that they had a lesbian liaison.  NICE. 

I'm getting sick.  I'm gonna go make dinner now.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013 ...

It is 10:50 pm and there is nothing on T.V. and I've been on Pinterest for the last couple of hours which led me to all sorts of different sites and then I started thinking ... because I get super creative late at night ... which is why I'll probably be up until well after midnight (thank god for Ambien), and I started to think about the coming new year and some of the things (goals, resolutions) I'd like to accomplish  

(personally, I hate "goal oriented" people.  I can't relate to people who make plans and have tasks) I'm only doing this because I'm bored.  

So 2013, the OBVIOUS is:

1.  GET A JOB.  As you all know, I have not been gainfully employed for AN ENTIRE FUCKEN YEAR.  My goal in 2013 is to stay that way.  (RELAX, it's only sarcasm ...) I figure that if I don't worry about it, then something will happen.  Like reverse psychology or an ether mind-fuck.  All last year I worried and sweat about every single resume I sent out and not one second of anxiety brought forth a prospect.  Did I get a job?  No.  So, I'm not doing that anymore.  A job will come, when a job will come and it doesn't matter if my resume does not contain the correct verbage that employer computers are looking for.  What will be, will be.  I spent half my afternoon on Huffington Post commenting and fighting with all the right wing tea-baggers who believe that people like me are unemployed because we're lazy and don't want to work.  I hope they all get laid off.  One guy by the name of JASON, replied to my comment about the difficulty finding work and said "that he would NEVER BE UNEMPLOYED BECAUSE  HE'S NOT A LEECH."  Fuck you Jason. 

2.  I WILL NOT WORRY ABOUT NOT GETTING A JOB.  This is crucial.  Though I will continue to send my resume to the countless establishments that are hiring (according to all the idiots on Huffington Post) and into the netherworld of cyberspace.  I WILL NOT stress, nor will I become a statistic by snapping and taking a chain saw to all the cars in my condominium complex when I receive yet another response to the submission of my resume and carefully articulated cover letter ...

Dear Deborah, 

Please do not respond to this email; it was automatically generated to acknowledge receipt of your resume. Thank you for your interest in the Legal Secretary-LA opening with our BIG FANCY LAWFIRM.  We have received your resume and are reviewing it against our current requirements. We will contact you if your qualifications meet our current requirements.

Sincerely,

Human Resources Department 

 

In the real world this means: 

  

In the past, receipt of such an email had me crying like a little girl. You will note how impersonal they are.  Direct and to the point, yet hurtful ... like getting stabbed with a butter knife.  Well ... no more tears.  Fuck you fuck-heads.

3.  I don't want to read any more positive, uplifting bullshit messages or get any stupid advice like "why don't you start a business?"  REALLY?  ASS-WIPE.  Yeah.  And while I'm at it, I think I'll start drafting the plans for the estate I'm going to build on my vineyard in Napa   

Regular people do not start businesses or want to be CEO's nor do they have the discretionary funds to "reinvent" themselves.  THEY JUST NEED A JOB.  How hard is that to understand? 

4.  I am not going to get all riled up by the likes of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West and the spawn they have created that will probably have a ridiculous, stupid "K" name, nor am I going to continue to hate Lisa Vanderpump for being rich.  It just takes way too much energy.  

I do, however, want to thank all of you amazing people who come by and visit my site.  I love that you "get" me and I love reading your comments.  I know you all understand that what I say, I say in jest ... I would be so disappointed if you thought that I took all these idiots seriously.  I mean, it's all I write about and I know you visit me because I'm all about the hating ... and that's what I like about you.  You validate my hatred ... and that's a good thing.  

So with that said, here's to 2013!  FUCK IT!