Bear with me folks ...

Fear. Fear has been one of the most powerful motivating forces in my life. It has ruled me. I'd feel it like a knot in the middle of my chest whenever I'm in a position where someone has to make a decision about how qualified, smart, capable, intelligent (add whatever else you wanna add here) ... I am. I KNOW that if I could just stay connected to Source (God, the Universe) I'd be fine, but in order for me to do that I'd have to live in a cave and read my bible, my self-help and spirituality books EVERY DAY ... until I died.

My two years of unemployment have been great on one hand ... no one telling you what to do. NO STRESS. NO REVIEWS. But, you have no money. You can't go on a cool vacation with your hubby, you can't color your hair or shop for clothes. But I'm not going to get all negative because the second interview of a great possibility did not go my way. I know the position wasn't for me. It was an area I had no experience in whatsoever. A different animal than working in a private law firm ... which I know how to do. Nope. I'm not gonna get depressed and negative. The market is moving ... a little. Things have started changing ... and I have a few irons in the fire.

Time gives you lots of time to think and to reflect. My blog has given me the opportunity to think about such things as farts ... and what color they would be based on how bad the smell is. It's also allowed me to vent about rude cell phone users who think that I, and anyone else withinin earshot, want to hear all about their exciting and interesting lives ... When we DON'T. It's allowed me to reminisce about my life, most especially my youth .... and to remember that once upon a time, a long time ago, ... I knew who I was ... and I knew I wasn't mainstream.

There was a time when I BELIEVED I could do anything, manifest anything, make people do what I wanted them to do if I just waited long enough for the universe to play it out and bring me what I wanted most. There is still a tiny little flame of that that burns deep inside me ... a tiny, tiny flame. I know that I can manifest something great and unexpected. I know that my writing is funny ... I know that people like to read my take on things because even though it's MY TAKE, it's not unlike other people's take, only I can put it on paper and make it funny. This is MY GIFT. My mind ... my skewed viewpoint (which none of my teachers thought much of) ... but which I know is it's own kind of brilliance. Forgive me for being so bold as to say it, but say it I MUST. For too long I've thought too little of myself. And what I've learned in the last two years, thanks to daily Oprah watching, is that the entire world is just as effed up as me. And I don't mean that in a negative way, I REALLY DON'T. I mean it in the most common and human way possible. Everyone struggles with something. Oprah had an "AHA!" moment just yesterday about eating and God .... you see she read a book and now .... SHE GETS IT! Oprah has been GETTING IT for the last 20 years and she has a T.V. show and makes billions and billions of dollars telling us we can GET IT too! If we just read this book, or if we just eat this food, or if we just exercise this way. But you know what? NO ONE GETS IT. I'll tell you what ... here's what TO GET: Life is a struggle. Sometimes things go our way and sometimes they don't. WHO you are .... your soul, your essence, is all that matters. At some point you realize that you know WHAT YOU KNOW. And that KNOWING is the wisdom that comes with living 50 or more years. We never stop learning, but at some point we MUST be kind and loving ... TO OURSELVES. That's the secret. We must be kind to others, of course, but mostly I think we need to be KIND TO OURSELVES. You know who said that don't you? I hope you do.

So here it is .... after years of therapy, years of reading self-help books and going to church, years of bible studies and reading thousands of spiritual books, you know what I've found out? IT NEVER GETS EASY. EVER. It's supposed to be like this. We don't wake up one day and BE who we believe we should have been years ago ... WE ALREADY ARE who we're supposed to be. SO LOVE YOURSELF. BE KIND TO YOURSELF and remember that GOD is in control ... ALWAYS.