Saturday, July 28, 2012


He was gone.  I sat on the grass under that beautiful tree where only seconds ago I was in his arms ... I could still feel the warmth of his embrace.  Tears fell unbidden and I sat with my pain for what seemed like hours.  Drained of emotion I felt present and awake, but exhausted at the same time.  It was a feeling that was accompanied by the certainty that I had done the right thing and I was at peace with it, even though I was devastated at the outcome.  He knew how strange the ether was, he said so all the time.  But in his defense, I can understand how what I said threw him.  It WAS crazy.  Anyone would be bowled over by such a tale.  

I had to give him time.  

Then I would try to get back to the ether.  I didn't know if I could still do it.  The truth had changed everything and I still wasn't sure how all of this worked.  How I wish I could erase it all and start over. 

Questions bombarded me.  Had the spell been broken? Could I still manifest myself now that he was aware?  Maybe now that he knew the truth he would be able to resist my call.  If that were the case I'd probably never see him again.  My heart could not bear the thought ... I'll give it a few weeks.  Let him think on all of this craziness.  I'll get myself to the library and, if he's not there, then I'll know that he had no decision in his manifestation and his presence truly was manipulated by my desire.  However, if he is there, then that would mean the spell hadn't been broken because he'd have no choice in manifesting and that could only mean one thing ... he never had control over his heart.  That would be the worst outcome because it would mean that his feelings were never his own!  All the special moments we spent in the library, his words, his affection were manufactured by me ... None of it had ever been real ... and I'd rather not have had the experience if that was the case because not only would it prove that his feelings for me were merely an illusion, but it would also prove that I surely must be mad! 

I can't think about that right now.  Until I know what is what, I have to try to go back.   TRY once again to explain and to make it right.  I had to see him again.  I HAD TO.  I will find him.  I WILL.  It cannot end like this ...

(to be continued ...)

Sunday, July 22, 2012


He was quiet for a long time.  

I could almost see his brain ticking away one thought after another trying to make sense of what I'd just said, recalling the many "coincidences" of our odd relationship and trying to put the pieces together.  Comparing one meeting to the next, the timing of each encounter ... the fact that whenever he was at the library, I was at the library ... thinking, pondering, questioning ... the facts vs. the insanity of it all.  As I watched him weigh all of it I felt deep remorse for what I had so selfishly done out of love. 

He was understandably confused.  

"How?"  he asked me just above a whisper.

"I wanted you."  I said barely above a whisper myself.  

"You wanted me?"  There was a bite in his words.  

"Yes."  I felt so stupid.  "I'm so sorry.  I never meant to hurt you.  That is the last thing I would ever want to do.  Please believe me."

He was quiet.  I panicked.  I began talking, rambling, trying to explain the absolutely unexplainable.  Hoping against hope that he would understand.  I was desperate. 

"I didn't know I was doing it!" I cried "I didn't!  I just thought it was an amazing coincidence but then it kept happening and it seemed so natural that I didn't question it and then it somehow became normal ... I can't explain it!  I thought it was the ether.  I didn't question it until you said those words and it broke the spell.  That's why I had to tell you.  Don't you understand?  I know I love you, but I don't know if your feelings for me are real, even though you may believe they are.  I wanted you to know so that you could choose or decide or whatever, on your own to be with me or not.  Don't you see?  If I didn't care I wouldn't have told you.  I want you to love me for real and the only way I can know that you do is to tell you everything even though I could lose you because of it."

 After what seemed like an eternity he finally spoke.  "I can't think right now" he said.  "I need to ... I have to go.  ... I can't deal with this."  He got up.  He did not look at me.  I heard myself call out "Viggo!  Please!  I'm sorry!"

My words hung in the air as I watched him walk away from me ... I watched, until finally, he faded into the mist and disappeared.  My heart broke.  Like a piece of cellophane consumed by a flame I felt my entire being crumple and curl until there was no more of me left. 

(... to be continued)

Thursday, July 19, 2012


Heather (the Yummy Tummy chick) seriously needs a nose job.  She should come up with a yummy tummy type contraption for that schnozzola of hers. It's almost as big as her head! ... you could paint eyes, a nose and a mouth on that thing and it would be another face on her face.  (The only reason I mention it is that she is uber rich and must have major connections to the top plastic surgeons in NYC.  If I were her I would have fixed that honker years ago!) 

Ramona has lost her mind.  Enough said.

Aviva has more phobias than a petri dish.  She's afraid of EVERYTHING.  She's afraid of flying,she's afraid of elevators, she's afraid of being afraid and she irritates the crap outta me.

Luanne (the Countess) is trying to get knocked up.  HON, YOU'RE FORTY-SEVEN.  You probably only have about 7 eggs left.  Oy.  Also, she's very competitive with new housewife Carol, who just happens to be a REAL Princess and is very well connected.  She was married to Anthony Radziwell who was Jackie Kennedy's nephew and you can't get much higher in society than being related to a Kennedy, which I'm sure makes the Countess GREEN with envy and diarrhea. 

I don't know about you but I'm getting rather bored with the housewives.  I think they may have run their course.  I know I've watched faithfully while all these "ladies" scream and claw their way to the bottom and I am thoroughly ashamed of myself but like I've said in the past, they're always good for the blog.  

Also, I caught the Part 2 of the Housewives of Orange County "sit down" ... proof that some people really are just taking up valuable space.  And yes, I DO watch to feel better about myself.  

OK.  I'm done.

Saturday, July 14, 2012


Finally, I managed to stop crying.  He looked at me.  His face etched with apprehension and doubt.  I took a deep breath.  I took his hand and led him to a nice spot under the shade of a beautiful tree.  I looked at him knowing that he had no idea what I was about to tell him and how strange my tale would sound.  I felt nothing but empathy for him and embarrassment and sorrow for myself.  

"What I am going to tell you is going to be almost impossible to comprehend but you have to believe me."   

"Debbie, ..." he said with concern but I cut him off.

"Viggo, please let me say what I have to say or I'll never forgive myself."

"Okay, ... what's going on?" 

I steeled myself and began. 

"Remember the first time I saw you in the library?"

"Of course I remember" he said.

"I made that happen."

"We both made it happen" he said as he smiled and took my hands in his.  

"No Viggo, you don't understand.  I MADE it happen.  All of it ... from that very first time in the library."

"What do you mean you made it happen?" 

"This is going to sound really insane, but I can manipulate the ether .... with  my mind." 

Silence.  Then, he burst out laughing.  A joyous, happy, relieved laughter and as he pulled me close and held me tight he said "You're crazy! ... manipulate the ether!" and he continued to laugh.  I could feel his chest rising and falling and I savored the moment of closeness because I knew that in a few minutes I would likely lose him forever and just the thought of it tore my heart out.  Then, I pulled away and looked him dead in the eyes.  

"Viggo, you don't understand.  I MADE it happen ... all of it from the very beginning.  You said yourself the ether is illogical and nonsensical, that you could never tell what was real and what wasn't.  It was like that for me too until you said what you did and it triggered something deep in my subconscious.  It was like a fog lifted and I knew right then and there that I had the ability to manipulate the ether.  That's how I manifested myself into the library.  I had control over everything."  I said as tears fell unbidden.  "Whenever I wanted you I just wished and there I'd be ... in the library.  It must have seemed all very natural to you ... you were there, I was there, and whatever came next, came next but the truth is that I had control.  I had control the entire time!"  

He was quiet.  The look of confusion on his face broke my heart.  He must think I'm a fraud and a manipulator and I couldn't blame him.  God how did this happen?!  I was responsible for all of it happening but I could not undo any of it.

(... to be continued)

Wednesday, July 11, 2012


Well .... I had another Ambien induced eating frenzy last night.  I woke up this morning to an empty pint of Baskin Robbins chocolate ice-cream and chocolate stains all over my pillow. "Oh no", I thought as I tried to remember eating the ice-cream.  I vaguely remember scraping the empty pint for more ice-cream but none was to be found.  I immediately threw the evidence away because my husband will give me no end of shit about it.  After that I went to brush my teeth and saw chocolate ice-cream caked all over my face.  Jeez. 

Saturday, July 7, 2012


Still in his arms, my thoughts were reeling.  I could feel our energies fusing and blending together strengthening our bond and helping us move onto the next plateau of love in the ether ... love in the ether ....LOVE IN THE ETHER!

I had to tell him.  I’d manifested myself into the ether to be with him, and though my feelings of love for him had always been real and true, I now had to wonder whether his feelings for me were real and true as well, or were they merely manipulated by my playing with space and time.  I had cast this spell and now I had to come clean and let the cards fall where they may.  He deserved the truth ... I had to let him know so he could make the choice on his own to either stay with me or to leave me.  The bitter truth of reality had tragically crashed into my dreams. 

While still in his embrace I silently began to cry.  I felt so embarrassed and desperate.  He'd never understand.  He'd feel used, played with.  Maybe it would be better if I just disappeared into the ether never to return again.  He looked at me, his hands cradling my face "Why are you crying?" he asked with a smile, certain I'm sure, that my tears were due to happiness.  I now began sobbing.  His face grew concerned.  Between choking sobs I said 

"I have to tell you something ..."  

(... to be continued)


Still reveling in his words I was beyond ecstatic.  Up until this moment I was happy just to exist in the non-time of our relationship, but this new revelation ... this spontaneous proposal thrilled me to no end and yet it changed everything.  The skip in time that had pushed us forward had uncovered a truth which had been deep in my subconscious, and now realized, would cause me untold pain.  That truth was that I was the force behind this entire charade!  It had come to me in a flash and I knew without a doubt that I had the power to manipulate the ether!  I had had the power to find him all along and with this ability ... I drew him to me!  As far as I could tell, he had no say in the matter, which made it all the more wrong.  My innate honesty would not let me keep this secret from him.  I knew I needed to tell him the truth even though I had only just realized it myself ... like a half remembered dream.   But how do I begin?  Do I confess it all?  And if I did, would he find me pathetic and deceitful?  Or worse, unstable?  

My love for him, my desire, was so powerful that all I had to do was wish ... and I was there .... in the library.  I knew that he was an intellectual, an artist, a deep thinker, this fact coupled with the magic and the movement of the ether transported me there ... to the library ... and so it began.  

The first time I saw him there he was standing amidst the bookcases.  I stared at him long and hard until he felt my eyes upon him and when he looked up from the book in his hands, our eyes met.  I quickly made like I was doing something else and that our eyes meeting was nothing more than an awkward fluke.  You must understand ... I never expected him to respond.  But, that first time gave me confidence and I knew that I could do it again.  Some weeks went by and I once again transported myself to the library.  He saw me again.  The third time I did it, our eyes met and he held my stare a little longer.  On it went.  More and more trips and little by little, those quick glances became recognition, and then, familiarity until he finally gave me a shy smile and a nod of the head.  I knew it was only a matter of time. 

Up until the moment I'd shouted those ill-conceived words everything had been beautiful and exciting, but now he'd succumbed and I felt responsible and terrible all at the same time and I knew I had to tell him.  But how?  Do I tell him that I orchestrated it all along?  I never dreamed he would respond to me!  And when he did respond to me, I was merely under the same spell as he ... even though I'd conjured it!  It hardly made sense to me!  How could he possibly understand?  Once I confessed he would hate me, understandably so, and I would lose him forever.  

This parallel life we were living in was very complicated because everything felt so very real.  If you were to ask him he would tell you the same.  But none of that changes how I made it all happen and how he'd now view me forever more.  And I was devastated. 

(... to be continued)  

Friday, July 6, 2012

GOD ALMIGHTY I just had to get this off my chest or I'll grow a tumor ...

The other night I watched a program called "10 Things that Make Me Happy" where I listened to Kyle Richards of the Beverly Hills Housewives go on and on and ON about the shit that makes her happy.   

1.  Her 25 Chanel bags (that vary in price from a few thousand dollars to THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of dollars (and I quote);

2.  Her 16 chandeliers.  Especially the one in her closet ... which helps her find her 25 CHANEL BAGS;

3.  Her 10 carat diamond ring which is considered BIG even in Beverly Hills and she wears it ALL THE  TIME even when she's riding her $8,500 specially made bicycle or whenever she attends a black tie dinner;

4.  Her house.  It's has 7 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms and she loves it because she never wanted a BIG house.  

I know that is only 1 through 4 but if I listed 5 through 10 I'll vomit all over my keyboard.  I swear.  I actually feel sick. 

NOW ... let me tell you what would make ME HAPPY ... 


Ima Big Fat Hater

(and please, no lectures on how I shouldn't have watched it if it was going to make me sick blah blah blah)  Thank you.