Lies, lies, lies yeah ...

Dan and I have been married for a hundred and fifty years so you would think that there is no reason to tell little white lies anymore, right?  NO.

The other day I saw him walking around wearing with these really funky shoes.  They were like lady's orthopedic sandals.  And I asked him ... "where'd you get those shoes?"

Dan:  "I've had them for a long time I've just never worn them."  (FYI -- THIS is a woman's standard lie). 

Me:  "Really?  When did you get them?"

Dan:  "I got them from Ebay a long time ago.  I only paid $40!"

Me:  "How come you've never worn them before?"

Dan:  "I actually forgot I had them."  

And all the time I'm thinking ... I've never seen those funky shoes in my life.

OK.  End of story.

Next day ...

I'm on the computer looking at my emails.  And what do I see?  I see an email from Ebay saying:  "Your new shoes were delivered YESTERDAY!" 

Mhmmmm, I say to myself.  Someone has some 'splainin' to doooooooo.

I call Dan on the phone. 

Me:  "Honey?"
Dan:  "Yeah"
Me:  "Can I ask you a question?"
Dan:  "Sure."
Me:  "Why did you lie to me about those funky shoes you bought?  I know they were delivered YESTERDAY because I READ THE EMAIL."

A short pause ....

Dan:  "I didn't want you to get mad at me for spending money." 

OK -- first of all, you have to understand that NO ONE GETS MAD AT DANNY when Danny spends money.  EVER. 

Did I say anything when he came home with a brand new T.V.?  NO.  I did not.

Did I say anything when he came home with a new $3,000 bicycle?  NO.  I did not.

Did I say anything when he came home with a brand new laptop?  NO.  I did not.

Danny never gets in trouble for spending money.  You know why?  Because I am not fast enough to block and counter-block all of his arguments as to WHY he purchased whatever it is that he purchased.  It's like his arguments are the rounds on an AK-47.  I can't respond to any of them fast enough because I'm already dead with facts. 

I, HOWEVER, GET IN TROUBLE FOR SPENDING MONEY.  That is why I now have a ME ACCOUNT.  My own savings account so I can do whatever I want and spend whatever I want to spend on.  I should have done this years ago when we first got married but I was all "in love" back then.  You know.  Wanting to be the perfect wife and all that crap.  I actually had this idea in my head that on Dan's last day of life he would say that he'd had the perfect wife ... one who never yelled at him or gave him a moment's grief. 

That didn't last long. 

HEY EVERYONE!!

JADA USED TO BE A SEX ADDICT. 

So Jada has this program (that I've never seen) but there are daily excerpts on various websites with the latest shocking news.  Today she told the entire world that she used to be a sex addict and that her grandmother taught her how to masturbate when she was 9.  Her GRANDMOTHER.  Oh ... and apparently her mother was a heroin addict for 20 years.  GOOD TO KNOW.  This information will now give me the tools I need to live my life effectively.  Thank you Jada.   

And you think you're f***ked up. 

More B.S. from self-involved celebrities ...

Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith no longer say they're 'married' ....

"We don't even say we're married anymore. We refer to ourselves as life partners, where you get into that space where you realize you are literally with somebody for the rest of your life," Will said of why they have stopped using married to describe themselves.


"There's no deal breakers. There's nothing she could do ever. Nothing that would break our relationship," he continued. "She has my support till death and it feels so good to get to that space."


My thoughts:


 
Hey Jada ... Will ... NO ONE GIVES A FUCK, OK. 


NEXT ...
Alexis and Jim Bellino




Jesus Jugs and the Chinless Wonder

So, apparently the couple who represented Christian marriage and home-spun values are divorcing.  Actually .... Jim is divorcing Alexis.  And Jim, the  "head priest of his Christian family," is asking for alimony and full custody of his children.  Jim!  Where have your values gone?  How is Alexis going to pay you support when the only work experience she has had is waiting on you hand a foot and running after three kids all day?  You, sir ... are a moron. 

In the words of Vicki Gunvalson .... "you are a smelly dork."


SMOOCHES!

Just for fun ... a repost on Jim and Alexis when they were happily married and watching porn ...



OK ... Jim and Alexis went to Palm Desert for a little "get-a-way" cause dayum, their lives are sooooooo stressful!


In the gorgeous cream colored interior of their fabulously expensive car, Jim insists that they must "lay out and get some sun" and then chastises Alexis for only packing one swimsuit. He tells her that he will buy her a new bikini (because God knows we can't wear the same bathing suit two days in a row and have "our fans" thinking that I can't afford to keep my whore wife, knee deep in bikinis.



They arrive at the beautiful five star location wherein we see the two of them giddy with excitement. We then watch as Alexis gushes over the fact that her husband has reserved the Presidential Suite. This hotel has special meaning for these two because it's where they met (awwwwwwww) ... as Alexis tells it, she was on vaca with a couple of girlfriends, done with men after having come off her first marriage and there she was, sitting at the pool in her itty bitty teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini and her 36G's when along came the Pillsbury Doughboy with a bucket of beer and says to her the most romantic words she had ever heard .... "you're either hot or thirsty so which one is it?" BE STILL MY HEART. And that was it! True love ...!



As we watch the happy couple enter their beautiful, huge (and unbelievably tacky) suite, Alexis again goes on and on .... omg would you look at this place! look at the views! look at the rooms! look look look look!!!!! To which fatboy replies, "it better have beautiful views for $2,985.00 a night." God almighty MUST HE constantly tell you the cost of everything?!  OBVIOUSLY noveau riche.



And by the way pal, flamingos are not swans.

These are flamingos:









and these are swans ... YOU IDIOT. And no. I don't know how much they cost.



And P.S. ... Alexis, don't think I didn't catch that little remark you made about you and Jim going to your room to watch a movie ... and you know what that means (wink wink) .... (uhhh, maybe it's just me but .... isn't porn kind of a no-no for Christians?)




There is so much more to say about these two but I'm already throwing up a little bit in my mouth.



GOSSIP FROM HOLLYWEIRD ....

So, apparently David Foster popped the question and now he and Katherine McPhee are engaged.  

My thoughts:  Katherine McPhee is quite the tart and has certainly slept her way to the very top.  I'm sorry, but between being unfaithful and breaking up marriages I think it's safe to say that Katherine is NOT a "girl's girl."

David, on the other hand, is obviously a man who needs a woman who will be at his beck and call and fawn over him while he plays the piano.  After watching him on RHOBH when he was married to Yolanda she was nothing more than a servant who brought him roasted chicken on a silver platter and called him MY LOVE twenty-four seven.  (eyes rolling) .... then he would RAVE about what a great hostess/cook/wife she was.  That is until she got sick and NEEDED him.  You know, like when you're sick and you need your spouse to love you/care for you/take care of you.  Well WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT?  I've got concerts to give and places  to be ... so he divorces her.

I give this new marriage three years.  If she pops out a kid, five max. 

NEXT ....

Poor Heather Locklear.  She's had nothing but trouble the last couple of years. Between arrests and rehab she's been through the mill.

My thoughts:  When you've been America's Sexy Sweetheart and you find yourself divorced for the second time, you're no longer 30, and the future doesn't look too promising, I guess you can lose your mind.  This is a common side effect of beautiful, famous women.  It's a bitch to get old.  Even though she still looks amazing, the truth is, she's now in her 50's and time does not go backward.

I honestly wonder whether she regrets divorcing yummy Richie Sambora so fast.  It seems she didn't even THINK about it, she just did it.  Then she found herself lonely and alone while Richie started banging her ex-friend Denise Richards.  That right there is enough to make any woman lose her shit.  Trust me, I know.  

Even though she initiated the divorce and has had several relationships and has been engaged a few times, it's not the same when you're in your 50's.  Maybe she regrets divorcing Richie ... I don't know, but she is obviously a woman who needs a man in her life.  Another side effect of being famous and beautiful.  You need someone to mirror to you that you are FABULOUS nineteen thousand times a day.  

I hope she gets it together.

HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A HAPPY 

4TH OF JULY!