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Okay, first of all I'm a little peeved.  Every year I watch E! Live on the Red Carpet specifically because it's LIVE ON THE RED CARPET!  I don't know what the hell happened this year, but one hour prior to the broadcast there were no more LIVE interviews or footage of the stars arriving, no 360 degree camera, nothing!  The show was now consisted of Giuliana Rancic, Kelly Osbourne, Kristin Cavalleri and some other lady sitting at a table commenting on PICTURES of the stars arriving ????  WHAT.  THE.  FUCK.  I kept thinking I missed something but NO.  So I jump over to Channel 4 and sure enough, there they are INTERVIEWING THE STARS AS THEY ARRIVE!  I WAS SO CONFUSED.  You don't know how I live for award season E! and especially The Academy Awards preshow, so E!, you will be hearing from my lawyers … you messed up BIG TIME.

OK ... let's get started!

The white gown was beautiful!  Why she changed into that black number to do her reporting duties on E! I have no idea!  She looked really beautiful in the white with the beautiful gold overlay.  For the life of me I cannot find a picture of her in the black dress?!?!?!  Ugh!  Anyway, she looked great in the white, the black - NOT so great.    White Dress - Grade:  A+   Black Dress - D-

Giuliana Rancic.  At first I really loved this gown.  I loved the taupe/beige color and the detail on the bodice but the waistline added thickness to her silhouette, don't you think?  It's a beautiful gown but the fit isn't right ... her hair is a tad severe and I think something softer would have worked better.  Anywho ... Grade:  B-

Maria Menonous.  I think she is SO PRETTY.  Loved this dress.  She looked very sweet and very pretty.  Love the hair, love the makeup, loved it all.  Grade:  A

Amy Adams, Best Actress nominee wore a VERY simple, VERY boring navy blue dress.  Amy ... you're a NOMINEE!  It is your job to wow us!  A long navy blue dress?  No bling, no glam???  What were you thinking?  I will say your makeup looks beautiful and your hair is okay but I have seen you look WAY better.  So unfortunately, I'm giving you a very AVERAGE C.  (psssst ... I know you've been nominated several times but one should never take an Oscar nomination in passing.  Next time ... GLAM IT UP).  FYI - her "after party dress was AMAZING!  I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE DIDN'T WEAR IT TO THE AWARD SHOW) 

See!  She should have worn THIS on the red carpet!  Grade:  AAA WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!  Gorge!

Naomi Watts ... (she kissed Viggo in Eastern Promises ... *sigh*) I love this look.  She is so beautiful and a really incredible actress.  She looks very pretty in this beaded white gown with the black strappy shoes, but I didn't like her bag.  Grade:  B-

Julia Roberts ... the Queen of Hollywood.  What the hell???  This is the cheapest looking black lace schmata EVER.  The hair is too brassy, the bust and waist add weight to her and she needs to tone up those arms.  Not only does Julia think that she's the Queen of Hollywood I think she also thinks she no longer needs a stylist.  WRONG-O. 
Grade:  F MINUS to the nth degree plus a double minus because this is so, SO BAD. 


Jennifer Lawrence (who fell down on the red carpet AGAIN ... is she smoking something funny?) Anyway, this looks a lot like Amy Adams's dress but in red, however, Jennifer looks GORGEOUS.  Simple,  elegant and GLAMOROUS (Amy, are you listening?)  Grade:  A

Lupita Nyong'o, Award Seasons Red Carpet Darling ... WOW ... absolutely beautiful.  She was perfection.  The blue was such a beautiful shade, so ethereal and feminine.  Loved the diamond headband and her makeup was flawless - Grade:  AAA+++

The very talented actress Sally Hawkins, nominated for Best Supporting Actress in Blue Jasmine.  Sally ... you DO know what alterations are for right?  Honey, it's a service most high end stores offer.  This dress for instance ... the sleeves are too long, the hem is too long, the entire frock could have been taken in one size.  It is MUCH too big on you.  Also, you're at the Academy Awards ... you should have had your hair done by a professional.  It looks as though you used your own hot rollers and then didn't even bother to brush your hair out.  So unfortunately, as much as I like you, I must, simply MUST give you a F- for ruining a beautiful dress with a terrible fit.  I'm sorry.

Angelina Jolie.  PERFECTION!  Breathtakingly beautiful, so much so that she almost doesn't look real.  The gown is beautiful however the waistline seems teeny bit baggy.  If it were cinched in a bit more I think this dress would have looked even more beautiful.  She looks absolutely gorgeous and I think I like her!  Angelina ... you're getting a BIG FAT A+++  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!

Channing Tatum and his beautiful wife Jenna.  CLASS COUPLE.  What a beautiful pair.  I LOVE her gown, her makeup, her jewels.  GORGEOUS!  Grade:  A+

The very talented Cate Blanchett, Best Actress nominee for Blue Jasmine.  She looks like an ethereal, golden princess.  I love this gown.  This is a winner, grade:  A

matthew mcconaughey camila alves matching couple on oscars 2014 red carpet 02

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves.  I think he needs to gain a little more weight but he looks mighty handsome in his white jacket.  Camila, now I LOVE pink as much as the next gal, I really do, but I think this is WAY too much … pink dress, pink shoes, pink bag.  TOO MUCH PINK.  And I don't get the cape thing?  She looks beautiful, but I'm just not feeling this.  It's too mature or something. 
Camila - Grade:  C
Matthew - Grade:  A 

Christy Tiegen John Legend's wife.  I do not like this gown AT ALL.  That pattern looks like the stenciling kits you can buy at Ikea.  I know she is supposed to be some big ol super model but personally I think she is really weird looking ... her face is way too wide and round.  Grade:  F- 


I LOVE Charlize Theron.  She is so beautiful however this gown is not working ... at least for me.  I do not like the way the black straps just square off and end and then the plastic straps continue.  I think if they were spaghetti straps it would have looked much sexier.  Grade:  C+

I love Sandra Bullock, Best Actress Nominee.  I really like this navy blue gown.  It's very glamorous and she looks very simple and elegant.  Grade:  A

Penelope Cruz.  I LOVE pink with black therefore I love this beautiful, feminine, Grecian  styled dress!  She looks beautiful.  Love the hair,  love the makeup, love the jewels.  This is perfect!  Grade:  AAA
Elsa Pataky.  She's a beautiful woman and this is a gorgeous gown however, this is NOT how you do pregnancy on the Red Carpet.  She literally looks like she's carrying a sac of her young and any minute I expect a ton of baby spiders to come crawling out!  ICK!!!!!  Grade:  EEEEEK!

Olivia Wilde.  The MOST BEAUTIFUL pregnant woman on the red carpet.  THIS is how you do it Elsa.  Grade:  A+

Portia De Rossi - GORGE!  Perfection!  Grade:  AAA WINNER WINNER WINNER!
Ireland Baldwin.  What the hell are YOU doing here?  Honey, you're running a very great risk of being overexposed before you're exposed.  Again, you're only 17 but hon ... you look 25.  that might thrill you now ... in another 10 years, not so much.  Word to the wise?  Go to college.  

Anna Kendrick.  This entire look is a big fat mess.  The hair is terrible, the dress has got way too much going on and I don't like that sheer panel with the red do-dads.  She's striking a Jolie pose which isn't helping matters and the jewels are ALL wrong.  Girl, WHO is your stylist???? 
Grade:  DOUBLE F -


OK.  Seriously, I can't stand Miss Jada, however the dress is beautiful and she looks great in it.  She has a rockin' body but what the hell did she do to her face???  I think she had too much collagen shot into those cheeks.  (pssst ... Jada, if you're not careful you might end up looking like Kim Novak.  EEK.  Grade:  A-

The truly gorgeous Kim Novak in her hey day.  I can imagine it would be really painful to age when you looked like this, but to do this to yourself ....


I mean it's terribly sad.  She looks like the kid from Mask.
Well ladies and germs, that's it.  2014 Academy Awards is now over and a thing of the past.  Until next year ... here's hoping Viggo gets a nomination for his role in Two Faces of January!


  1. Well, you KNOW what i thought.
    And i was also wondering what the hell happened to the E on the carpet show. Maybe Seacrest hit on the wrong dude and there was a lawsuit threat?
    That white dress Kelly wore was so tight she couldn't walk up the stairs to the skybox, so she had to change back into the black she wore in the pre-pre-pre-show.

  2. I LOVE THIS!!! You are the best. What would awards season be without you?


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