HOUSEWIFES OF ORANGE COUNTY ...

TAMRA BARNEY WAH WAH WAH ...

Tamra Barney was invited to talk at the L.A. Women's Expo.  Why on earth they had her there beats me.  The Womens Expo is about empowering women.  This chick never did anything on her own.  I'm mean seriously ... she got knocked up at 17, got married, had the baby and by 21 she was divorced.  Then she marries Simon.  Has three kids, and gets divorced to which she then IMMEDIATELY hooks up with Eddie, her ex-husband's friend.  Now she's engaged to HIM.  When has she EVER done anything on her own?  Girl, you need to sit down and SHADDUP.  Yeah, you have a business NOW because you're on Housewives of Orange County and people are willing to front you $$$$, etc., et al.  Do it all on our own without special connections or your so-called fame ... if you can, then I'll give you props, but something tells me you're just going to fall back into your old patterns, marry another man (which you're already doing) and well ... I can totally predict what's going to happen.  IF you marry Eddie, you're going to have the SAME problems you have had in all your other relationships --- GUARANTEED.  Here's my best advice for you (and believe me, I would never offer my best advice to a mean ol bitch like you but here goes) ...

1.  GET THERAPY.  Commit to a good four to five years.  Own your stuff and admit you're a mean old bitch because you're super insecure and scared shitless.  Once you do this, you will grow immensely.  I promise.

2.  GO TO CHURCH or TAKE ON A SPIRITUAL PRACTICE.

3.  STOP being mean and vindictive.  JUST STOP.  Every time you feel like getting up in someone's face mentally say to yourself "STOP".  And remember, practice makes perfect.  Soon, you will see how engaging in negative, aggressive behavior is wasted energy and only makes YOU look bad.

If you grow like you're supposed to, you will eventually leave the Housewives because it will be too toxic an environment for you.  But again, that's IF you grow.  I'm not going to hold my breath on this one considering that you and the Chipmunk have already signed on for your own spin off.  What's it called again?  Eddie and Tamra Find True Love? 

So there you have it.  For what it's worth.  Don't say I never gave you anything.




On to Heather and Terry Dubrow ...

So Terry was a dick a while back and I totally get why Heather is pissed.  He's always making fucken jokes and never takes her stuff seriously.  It would piss me off too.  Granted, she's LOADED but I get her frustration.  And yet, I can't help but lecture her.  Heather ... this is why you should NEVER, EVER GIVE EVERYTHING UP FOR A MAN.  There.  They give up NOTHING for us.  EVER.  Learn from me Heather.

Gretchen wants to have a baby.  Slade had his boys snipped over 10 years ago and shoots blanks.  So it was off to the doctor they went.  She, to make sure she is fertile and He, to find out about unsnipping the snip. 

All is well with Gretchen and her plumbing.  In the doctor's words her insides are "lush and plump with beautiful follicles on her ovaries" which thrills her to no end. 

However, the news wasn't all good.  Doc said that because Slade had his boys snipped so long ago he is probably producing weak sperm and their best chance of conceiving is to go with IVF (invitro fertilization) in order for them to have the longed for baby.  This seriously disappointed Gretchen because I' sure she wanted to create her future spawn through the act of lovemaking and not with a turkey baster. 

OK ... I simply must weigh in here ... GRETCHEN ... LEAVE SLADE SMILEY RIGHT NOW.  He is a father to two kids he never sees, one is tragically ill, he doesn't pay his child support on time, he has no real job other than fetching your purses and worst of all ... YOU'RE THE THIRD HOUSEWIFE HE'S BANGED.  And you want to procreate with him?  HONEY ... the Botox is seeping into your brain.  You're not thinking right.  I know you love him and all, but STILL.  I promise you, that as he's driving out of the driveway to leave you, another man will be driving up the driveway to be with you ... that just seems to be the way things work on the Housewives.  I'm looking into my crystal ball right now and what I see does not look promising.  If you're not careful, you may end up with your own spin off ... "Gretchen and Slade Call It Quits."  Just trying to help a sista out. 

Miss Lydia, the newest Housewife is also rolling in dough and also a Christian.  Which makes for interesting viewing because her mother, Sister Moonbeam, is a righteous pothead.  It's a big bone of contention in their relationship. 

Which totally explains why Lydia is a right wing, Christian and why to this day, she is still her mother's mother.  That's a lot of baggage if you ask me.  It's no fun being your mother's mother.

Here's mom ... she's a pretty lady but, according to Lydia, she spent her entire childhood and adolescence with a mother who was stoned 24/7. 

You know it's not that hard to figure these people out.  Mom is a flake, likes to get high EVERY DAY, daughter is a square, conservative, mommy type.  It makes perfect sense.  Lydia wants her mom to quit smoking weed and mom says she has.  She only takes a toke here and there. 



Good luck with that.






And last but not least, Alexis is still dumb. 

THIS 'N THAT ...

OK.  Angelina Jolie.  She is unbelievably courageous and I feel really bad for ragging on her in the past.  I do feel that she is blessed to have had children before having to deal with this.  Being childless is a fate worse than death for most women.  Her situation is especially tough ... I just read that she is also going to remove her ovaries.   DAYUM.  Thirty-seven is too young for that.  She'll probably have to go on hormone replacement and experience early menopause ... and believe me, being in the throes of menopause myself, I don't envy her.  But ... she does have Brad Pitt to curl up to at night so that's a consolation.  I've ragged on Brad too.  I'm a horrible person.  So Angelina, Brad ... I'm  really, REALLY sorry for ragging on you and I promise I will never, EVER pick on you guys again.  Get well hon.  {{BIG HUG}}.   


O.J. Simpson goes back to court.  (Is he looking fat and ugly or what?)  And he's still the same ole arrogant jerk we all remember.  Pig.  If they let this asshole get a new trial I'll shave my head.  He needs to stay behind bars for 33 years PERIOD.  He'll be in his 90's when he gets out and that seems more than fair to me.  HE SHOULD LIVE SO LONG. 


(I copied this from Wonderwall because I wanted to prove I'm not the only hater out there)

Kim steps out for lunch with her mother in the San Fernando Valley, showing off a pair of rough-looking hooves ...

(This part is me) Petunia Pig is also wearing a dress that is five sizes too small.   

 



 

The amazing Amy Ferris happened to comment on her facebook page about Nicki Minaj and Lil Wayne’s performance at the Billboard Awards show and inferred that it was tres tacky.  I did not watch the Billboard awards, nor do I watch the Grammy’s because I don’t know who anybody is.  That’s what happens when you get old.  You become wise and tasteful, ergo, a bunch of rappers jumping around making gang signs and spouting misogynistic vitriol no longer entertains you.  But, merely out of curiosity, I Googled the performance to see for myself.

 

OH.  MY.  GOD.   

 

First, how any of this was even broadcast in prime time to begin with is UNBELIEVABLE.

I cannot repeat the lyrics.  They are far too disgusting.  And the performance … FILTHY, VULGAR, DISGUSTING, UGLY, SEXIST, BASE.  I cannot go on.

 

If Nicki were my daughter I would divorce her and hide in a cave for the rest of my natural life.  Same if Lil Wayne were my son.  I do not know where, how, or when people began to become so disgusting and ugly.  AND IN PUBLIC.  And I'm not a prudish old lady.  What I saw was pornographic in nature, SEXIST, and UNNECESSARY!!

 

We do not need to see Nicki Minaj give Lil Wayne a lap dance as she pops and bumps and plays with her lady parts.  YEAH.  And the crowd was going wild.  That alone, requires a serious study in human behavior.  Frightening.

Apparently, there was a big ol gala the other night ...

An Evening at the 2013 Met Gala.  The event where Kim K wore that hideous, couch fabric schmata.  I thought I'd include a few more pictures for your enjoyment ...



Beyoncé ... Versace print, with Versace print boot, with Versace print train.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ALL THE PRINT?  First Kim and now Beyoncé.  I think the boots need to go.  Maybe it would have looked better with a sexy, slinky shoe.  What do you think?  And I don't like the leather belt ... on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being best, I give it a 6.

Cate Blanchet.  LOVE.  A 10 + 15.  WINNER WINNER WINNER.

Claire Danes.  BLEH.  BORING BORING BORING.  This gal never jazzes it up.  I'm giving her a 2 ... and that's being generous.







The beautiful Amanda Seyfried ... went and dyed her hair dark red and wore wall paper for a gown.  She's running a close second to Kim K.  Giving her a 6. 

Gisele Bundgen.  YEAH, YEAH, YEAH you got great legs and gorgeous hair and you know it therefore you're getting a 1.  Thank you.

Linda Evagelista looking like a Renaissance princess.  Ethereal and lovely.  Grade 9.    

The Hobbit goes Boho.  Grade:  3

It looks like she purchased her gown from Camping World.  It looks like a tent with spangles.  Is this supposed to be taking a fashion risk?  If so, you failed.  Grade ZERO.



La Lopez channeling Lola Falana.  AS much as I HATE to ... I'm giving her a 10.  Fucken bitch. 

Madge.  Great legs, sexy pink ankle straps, black Cleopatra wig.  SO FASHION FORWARD, SO RISKY, SO FUCKEN RIDICULOUS.  ZERO TO THE MINUS OF 10 ... A MINUS ZERO ... OFF THE CHARTS BAD.  Why don't you get yourself a twin set and some pearls and go away quietly.  

Michelle Williams.  GORGEOUS.  A 10 + 20 - WINNER, WINNER, WINNER



Blake Lively.  10 - beautiful girl, tall and gorgeous.  Love the gown, definitely a winner.

Emma Watson - 10.  Nothing more to be said.  Except that I LOVE the shoes.  She is perfection.  

Gwen Steffani ... you forgot to finish putting your hair up.  You look like a wrinkly mess and that's not usually like you.  Though it pains me, you're getting a 2 girlfriend.  

I LOVE KATE BECKINSALE.  She ALWAYS looks fabulous.  Grade:  10



Katie Holmes.  SHE'S FREEEEEEEE!  Looking lovely in white - Grade:  15.

I LOVE this gown ... sort of Marie Antoinette goes punk.  Look at the spikes on those shoulders.  Grade:  10 (OMG ... I just noticed!  Check out this dude!  NO SOCKS!)

Now here's a real punk.  Miley Cyrus.  Looking like a punk.   Hate the hair, hate the dress, hate the ring, hate it all.   Grade:  Minus zero. 

Minka Kelly.  LOVE THIS.  Beautiful color, beautiful girl, even love the frauline braids.  Grade:  12





Nicki Minaj.  The human cartoon channeling Chaka Khan from 1974.  Grade:  1.  HATE THE ENTIRE LOOK.

Nicole Richie.  Wearing the actual wig that George Washington wore when he was inaugurated in 1789.   

      

Gwyneth ... The Princess of Hollywood in Bubble Gum pink.  Grade:   UGLEEEE.

The Princess of Sadomasicism.  Grade:  3

Rooney Mara.  Exquisite!  WINNER WINNER WINNER ... Grade 15

Sarah Jessica.  The dress is okay but the Roman soldier helmet .... not a good choice.  

Uma Thurman channeling Julie Newmar.  Grade:  8.

So that's it ladies and germs.  Hope you enjoyed my critique and if you have anything to add, please feel free.

HUGS & KISSES!



KIM ...

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS????  It looks like you took your grandmother's sofa and fashioned it into a "gown" with sleeves, gloves and shoes to match.  Ingenious if you're Carol Burnett performing a parody of Gone With the Wind ... BUT YOU'RE NOT.  This is so going to be on Fashion Police. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In future ... sofa fabric does not make for a glamorous red carpet look.  WHO THE HELL IS STYLING YOU?  My guess .... YOU.  I'm seriously trying to help you and you don't listen to me.  Stay away from prints, gloves and matchy-matchy shoes.  And ANYTHING that clings to the skin.  Invest in some maternity clothes and stick with solids.  

 

I'm not gonna tell you again.

October 20th .... Happy Birthday Viggo love ...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways ...

I love your sexy bohemian look with your long hair and scruff on the chin

I love you when you're all dressed up and look like an elegant man ...

I love you in a plain ol' shirt when you look like a regular guyand I love you dressed in cowboy gear on a horse with a gun at your side

I love you in your bad boy look when you're all tatted up with a sneer

 But i love you most in your Aragorn suit with your sword brandished high in the air ...

 






THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND