The Housewives

OK ... Jim and Alexis went to Palm Desert for a little "get-a-way" cause dayum, their lives are sooooooo stressful! In the gorgeous cream colored interior of their fabulously expensive car, Jim insists that they must "lay out and get some sun" and then chastises Alexis for only packing one swimsuit. He tells her that he will buy her a new bikini (because God knows we can't wear the same bathing suit two days in a row and have "our fans" thinking that I can't afford to keep my whore wife, knee deep in bikinis.

They arrive at the beautiful five star location wherein we see the two of them giddy with excitement. We then watch as Alexis gushes over the fact that her husband has reserved the Presidential Suite. This hotel has special meaning for these two because it's where they met (awwwwwwww) ... as Alexis tells it, she was on vaca with a couple of girlfriends, done with men after having come off her first marriage and there she was, sitting at the pool in her itty bitty teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini and her 36G's and along comes the Pillsbury Doughboy with a bucket of beer and says to her the most romantic words she had ever heard .... "you're either hot or thirsty so which one is it?" BE STILL MY HEART. And that was it! True love ...!

As we watch the happy couple enter their beautiful, huge (and unbelievably tacky) suite, Alexis again goes on and on .... omg would you look at this place! look at the views! look at the rooms! look look look look!!!!! To which fatboy replies, it better have beautiful views for $2,985.00 a night. God almighty does this dufus ever NOT tell you what the F he paid for everything? Sheesh! He's so OBVIOUSLY noveau riche.

And by the way pal, flamingos are not swans.

These are flamingos:




and these are swans ... YOU IDIOT. And no. I don't know how much they cost.

And P.S. ... Alexis, don't think I didn't catch that little remark you made about you and Jim going to your room to watch a movie ... and you know what that means (wink wink) .... (uhhh, maybe it's just me but .... isn't porn kind of a no-no for Christians?)

There is so much more to say about these two but I'm already throwing up a little bit in my mouth, so let's move on.

Beautiful Gretchen. Don't you just love when rich people "worry" about having enough? Gretchen and her $2.5 mil is a tad worried about what she's going to do with the rest of her life (cause God only knows how long $2.5 million will last) so she's decided to launch her own makeup line and went to Vicki for advice because Vicki's such a success. It doesn't matter that they hate each other and given half a chance would derive immense pleasure by gouging each others eyes out. They'll gladly hug and make nice for the camera for that big ol paycheck they receive for participating on a reality show. (e.g., selling your soul to the devil for $$$). (...p.s. I'd rather see them gouge each others eyes out).

Tamra & Simon.
In a truly selfish act of devotion, Tamra decides to tattoo Simon's name on her ring finger to prove she really does love him and she takes Mickey Rooney with her. This of course, is the kiss of death to any relationship. Tattooing the name of your loved one anywhere on your body or ... being on a reality show, basically insures the end of almost any relationship. Tamra confesses to Simon what she has done between pounding shots of tequila and downing Margaritas. Simon tells her it is the most selfless thing she has ever done and kisses her finger and now everything is ALL BETTER. (p.s. Simon has since filed divorce papers on Tamra).


Vicki & Don (& Simon & Tamra) ...

OBVIOUSLY there is no love lost between Vicki and Simon, however neither one of them can LET IT GO, which is very telling about what makes the two of these losers tick. Vicki rants about how she could care less about what Simon thinks of her and then cries all the way home (clearly exhibiting controlling and codependent behavior with overtones of anger and narcissism and just a smattering of obsessive compulsive disorder). Simon, rather than stay in the same room with Vicki, chooses to leave the party by storming down the stairs to go outside and sulk. (Clearly exhibiting passive/aggressive behavior with signs of deep insecurity and a healthy dose of psychotic grandiosity). I can't say anymore. If I pay any more attention to these two my brain will start melting out of my ears.

and last, but not least, Lynne ...

(Just imagine the sound of crickets cricking or air escaping from a balloon). Enough said.







and that's all I have to say about that.