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Sunday, April 27, 2014

THE WEEK IN REVIEW ...


IT HAPPENED!


George Clooney is engaged to girlfriend
Amal Alamuddin
I KNEW HE WOULD MARRY HER!
 
And I'll tell you why ... she is NOT a bimbette.  She is a human rights attorney and a woman of substance.  GO GEORGE.  I knew he'd eventually marry.  I said he'd find someone in her thirties, with no baggage, and then bang out a couple of kids.  Was I right or was I right?  Congrats George. 

And Amy ... I'm sorry.  If this were Viggo I'd be devastated.  (see www.marryinggeogeclooney.com). 

 
 
Bill O'Reilly Explains To Critics Why He Is 'Being Mean To Colbert'

Bill O'Reilly dedicated the last segment of his show Monday night to explain to critics why he is "being mean to Colbert."

"The liberal press is very upset, and I really don't understand why," O'Reilly said. "Colbert has made a living exclusively satirizing the right," he added, explaining that his comments shouldn't come as a surprise.  ... "In the end, Colbert may prevail, but my analysis of him has been to the point and honest," he said. "And as you know, that drives zealots on both sides completely.


 
Dear Bill:
You don’t have to explain to us why you are being mean to Colbert.  We know why.  It's because you ARE mean. 
Secondly, with regard to Colbert satirizing the far right, isn’t that what you do on your show?  Talk shit satirize the far left?  Pot meet kettle.
 
As for Colbert not gaining conservative viewers, we know that too.  That is why YOU are on Fox News and Colbert is on CBS.  See?  Everybody is happy.  Now … why don’t you go find a nice old lady to beat up. 


NEXT ...

This tool right here ...

Cliven Bundy


Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy claimed during a Friday interview on CNN that he didn't understand the bipartisan outrage over his recent comments suggesting the "Negro people" were "better off" as slaves, and blamed the perception that he's racist on Martin Luther King Jr. for not finishing "his job." 

Dear Mr. Bundy:
 
I have a fun challenge for you.  YOU live as a slave for a year.  I will be your slave master.  I will tell you what to do and when to do it, and I will beat you if you don’t do it fast enough or to my satisfaction.  I will give you enough food to keep you alive and enough clothing to cover your nakedness.  But when it’s freezing you’ll freeze and when it’s hot I will make you work harder by using a whip.  If you look at any one in my family, or anyone in general with what I consider to be a “leering, lascivious” manner, I will hang you from a tree and beat you.  Or … hang you by the neck until you die, whichever fancies my mood that day.  I will separate you from all of your loved ones; your wife, your children, your mother.  I will not pay you for your labor and you will never, EVER get a day off as long as you live. 
 
After one year, we can talk.  Then you can tell me if it is better for blacks to be slaves or better to be free and dependent on the government (of which you believe all African Americans are you STUPID moron.)
 
FYI … here is some suggested reading material for you (that is if you know how to read):  The Narrative of Frederick Douglass by Frederick Douglass; Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl by Harriet Jacobs – this woman hid in a box for seven years in order to escape slavery. 
 
As for your asinine remark about Martin Luther King “not finishing his job,” that is because one of YOUR KIND assassinated him. 

NEXT ...

This from "weird news" ...

Teen Arrested With Loaded Gun In Vagina
 
 
The officers allegedly discovered a loaded, five-shot, four-inch .22 caliber mini-revolver concealed in Archer's vagina.  It turns out the gun was stolen last year when John Souther's car was "ransacked" in an auto burglary, cops said.

DAYUM ... she must have a BIG box!  Do you realize how big your cooch has to be in order to fit a .22 in it?!
 
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST ...
 
Atlanta Housewives Reunion Part II
 
 
 
Honestly not much to report, just more of the same yelling and screaming over each other.  I think the fact that Porsha was not sitting with the rest of the ladies spoke volumes about Andy Cohen being a First Class COWARD by keeping Kenya on the show when she clearly is unwell.  
 
Mama Joyce is all kinds of CRAY CRAY.  I kept wondering if she was high because she was acting as though she was drunk.  She behaved terribly and very ghetto and I felt really bad for Kandi who basically looked at her shoes the entire time her mother was talking.  Though she never will, it would do Mama Joyce A WORLD OF GOOD if Kandi cut her off .... for just a little while ... in order to teach that mean, old lady a lesson. 
 
As for Nene and Cynthia's friendship I can tell you all it is all but KAPUT.  Nene has risen (in her mind) to the level of Mariah Carey Diva-ship.  Like I said last week, be nice to people on your way up because you're going to meet them on the way down.  Word to the wise Nene.   
 
Part III we get to see what the MENS have to say.  Andy Cohen asks Apollo about his legal issues and you just know Peter is going to go off on somebody.  So until next week, ...
 
SMOOCHES!
   
 
 
 
 
 

Sunday, April 20, 2014

SO AFTER HAVING A HEART-TO-HEART WITH MYSELF ...

and Laura and Jennifer, to whom I confided in at lunch about my feelings with regard to my blog and how I feel that I am contributing to the nonsense and filth I critique about, thereby being "a part of the problem and not a solution."  They immediately convinced me that "NOOOOO, you can't stop writing about the Housewives, Kimmie Kardashian and the like!"  So ... I shall carry on as before, bad mouthing and judging those crazy lunatics as I see fit because it is, after all, MY BLOG, and I am doing a public service (even though I do at times wrestle with my conscience) ...

Kardashian Crisis! Kris Jenner Rushed To Hospital With Bruce By Her Side
Kris and Bruce jenner hosptial
Oh no!  What happened?  Did one of her implants explode?  Did her facelift fall?  Did Bruce get his first period?

... film at 11

NEXT .... the Bitches from the OC are back

So apparently, Radar on Line is burning up the web with stories about Tamra, Simon and her children.  Simon, control freak that he is, is trying to take custody of his three children away from Tamra.  Their 15 year old daughter has decided to live with him because her mother is "verbally abusive and unable to care for her like a daughter."  (WORD)  Tamra is heartbroken that Simon is doing this to their children. 



Tamra my love, if I had a mother who filmed her sexcapades with her hot Latin boyfriend in the tub for all the world to see I'd be humiliated, embarrassed and I wouldn't want to live with you either.  Cop a clue Tamra.  Your daughter is 15.  You really need to act like a mother.  No 15 year old girl wants a MILF as a mother.  In the brilliant words of Kathy Griffin ... Throw on a moo-moo, drink wine out of the box and lay the sofa where you belong.     


And this right here would shame any 15 year old into wearing a bag on her head for the rest of her life. 

Real classy Tamra.  (Again, I give you and Eddie two years).  THEN, after your third marriage breaks up, promise me you'll get on some meds and commit to at least three years of therapy. 



NEXT ...


REUNION PART 1 

Lord have mercy all hell broke loose at the Housewives of Atlanta Reunion - Part 1

Ms. Porsha beat the crap outta Ms. Kenya and almost yanked her weave out.  It all started when Porsha mentioned Kenya's invisible African prince who she is apparently dating (in her mind) and insinuated that he was "paid" to be her invisible boyfriend, harking back to Walter, her boyfriend of last year.  Personally, the way Kenya provokes EVERYONE I'm surprised she didn't get her ass beat sooner.  

First of all she shows up carrying a scepter (cause she's a Queen you know) and then she pulls out a bull horn to out talk Porsha.  If that had been me Ms. Kenya would have had that bull horn shoved half way down her throat.  The woman is EVIL and I honestly felt sorry for Porsha being pushed to the limit like that. 














THEN Andy Cohen makes a statement about how violence is NEVER okay when he in fact HOPES that shit will get real otherwise why would he hire a bunch of narcissistic, egomaniacal women to be in the same room together year after year after year?  I mean come on Andy ... this crap is ratings GOLD and you KNOW IT.  A fight guarantees watchers ... you really should just own it.

All that said, Kenya Moore is NUTS. 

As for Nene, she basically sat there like the Queen of Sheba emanating superiority the entire show.  I used to LOVE Nene but I think her head has swelled quite a bit which is sad because you know what they way about success ... be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on the way down
 
That's it ladies and germs. 

As Always SMOOCHES!






 

Saturday, April 12, 2014

AGING ...

Last night I caught Oprah’s interview with Sharon Stone on aging.  I love Oprah but sometimes I wonder what the hell she's thinking … Sharon Stone?  Who is 56 but looks 35?  Here she is on the cover of Shape ...
 




































No 56 year old I know looks like this unless they’re barfing after every meal.  COME ON OPRAH.  How come you didn’t talk to A REAL person?  It really is insulting to see you two gals gushing over “acceptance” and “embracing age” when you look like Sharon Stone.  Sharon talked about turning 40 when she took a bottle of wine into her bathroom and looked at her face in a magnifying mirror, and looked at her body and cried and cried and cried.  If she had MY body she would have slit her wrists.  Then she spoke about “internal beauty” … you know crap like wisdom and spirituality.  All in all it was completely self-serving and not realistic.  If I saw what Sharon Stone sees in the mirror I'd cry and cry and cry too ...  OUT OF HAPPINESS! 

Seriously Sharon.  I know you think you’re helping but you’re not.  You are actually pissing off a large portion of the population who would like to throttle you because they know that no one they know looks like you.  And you KNOW IT TOO.  You’re making 50+ women the world over very pissed off. 
 
And then both she and Oprah went on and on about how it pisses them off that photographers air brush and photoshop, etc., et al. (e.g see photo above) So here’s a truth for you girls … Oprah, if you had to shop at Macy’s do you think you’d find clothes to fit and make you look fabulous?  NO.  You’d be hard pressed to find flattering clothing for a woman of your age and size and I say this only with love.  Oprah … don’t do any more shows like this OK.  And if you do, use real people who have real value and real insight into what it REALLY means to age in the real world.  Not in Hollywood.  Thank you. 
 
So after that love fest I caught Lindsay Lohan on Oprahs’ OWN network.  Lindsay Lohan needs to be bitched slapped.  This is only the fourth or fifth episode but I can tell you right now if I had to work for this child I would have put a bullet in my head already.  Lindsay Lohan should count her blessings that she is not a regular person trying to live a sober life in the REAL WORLD because NO ONE would put up with her bull-shit.  At first I felt bad for her but by episode 2 anyone can see how she manipulates.  Were she a “normal” girl living in the “real world” trying to maintain sobriety working as say, a secretary, she would already have had a complete break down.  The girl cannot handle stress of ANY KIND.  It's actually scary.  And everyone around her indulges her and handles her with kid gloves.  It’s appalling.  First she’s all stressed out about getting into her new New York apartment.  Then when she finally gets into her apartment she is all stressed out when all her belongings are delivered (which truthfully, I’d be stressed out too because this girl has more shit than anyone I’ve ever known) ... she’s basically a hoarder … but a hoarder of extremely high end haute couture.  She is a big, hot mess and I honestly don’t think she’ll be able to pull it together.  She really needs to stop surrounding herself with people who fawn over her and who she can intimidate.  She is very adept at deflecting responsibility while she holds up production and makes staff and crew people wait on her all day and night only to then decide that she doesn't want to film because she needs to be alone.  Oprah had to have a sit down with her and basically told her to quit fucking up. 

Time will tell what happens to Lindsay.  Hopefully it won’t be another tragic ending to a young life.  And I really mean that. 

And, last but not least ... Kim Kardashian's ASS.  A freak of nature that defies explanation. 

 
 
 
 

 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

I'VE BEEN FIGHTING THE FLU ...

for about a week now so that is why I'm home on a beautiful Saturday afternoon in my pajamas ... my hair looks like I stuck my finger in socket and I could use a shower.  While lying on the couch in misery, I have been watching marathon episodes of the Housewives of NYC.  I know I say all the time that these horrible women drive me crazy and I'm not going to watch anymore but ... I continue to tune in.  I lie to myself by not watching EVERY week but, I do make it a point to RECORD EVER SINGLE EPISODE.  It is what it is and I must accept this flaw in my character.  With that said, the main fight with the ladies in NYC is that Aviva (the one-legged wonder) has been spreading a nasty rumor all over NYC that  Carole Radziwill had her memoir "What Remains" ghost written.  OK.  This is a lie.  Carole Radiziwill has an impressive resume as a writer.  She worked on 20/20 and has written articles for magazines and yes, in fact, she has written several books and she did not have them "ghostwritten."  She wrote them all by herself.  If I were Carole I'd dot Aviva's eyes out.


Aviva, on the other hand, has also written a book.  It's called "Leggy Blonde" ... did you get that?  "LEGGY" ... cause she only has one leg (ha ha) and which is something talks about over and over and OVER ad nauseum.  Well, I happened to see this book at Target and thought to myself OH MY GOD NO SHE DIN'T.  I picked it up and was immediately insulted.  The print was GIGANTIC ... like print for a third grader.  This is done in order to make a book seem larger than it is  ... in fact, I bet that if I typed up the entire book on my computer and printed it out it would probably amount to 30 pages.  TOTAL.  Aviva  states that it takes a village to raise a child and a village to write a book.  Uh ... NO Aviva.  It doesn't.  It takes a village to help a MORON write a book, but not to help anyone who can string a sentence together.  I know because I read your book.  ALL of it.  While standing in the aisle at the market.  It took me all of 15 minutes. 

Now onto other narcissists ...

Tea Party Leader:  God is Against Efforts to Reduce Income Inequality





Rick Scarborough is the head of Tea Party Unity. Apparently, he also has a direct line to God as the Tea Party leader said that God is on the Tea Party's side and opposed “the work of progressives to reduce income inequality.”

Dear Mr. Scarborough,

Last night I spoke to Jesus and he told me he doesn't remember EVER speaking to you.  Second, he wanted me to tell you that THIS is what he said about "income inequality" ...

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."
-Matthew 6:24


"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.'"
-Matthew 19:23-24

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.' They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least among you, you did not do for me.'"
-Matthew 25:41-45


And third, he's really pissed at you. 


Thursday, April 3, 2014

A QUICK, LITTLE RANT ...

Well Glenn Beck got his panties in a twist again.  He said this on his radio show:

Glenn Beck


I’m not going to waste. My. Life. I’m going to do what I was born to do! All men were created equal and endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, among these are life, liberty AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS! I have a right to pursue my happiness! I have a right to do what I was born to do, not what they tell me what to do. That’s what that phrase means!

Glenn was really mad you see because people are actually signing up for Obamacare.  Therefore he found it necessary to expound upon the "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" argument. 

Glenn, HOW is this affecting YOUR pursuit of happiness?  You're a gazillionire.  You can afford to purchase all the happiness you desire.  I, on the other hand, cannot afford to purchase happiness.  I am a drone.  I pay taxes and then, at the end of the year, I get to pay MORE taxes  

I don't have offshore accounts or write offs like you probably do.  And I would guess I paid more in taxes than you did.  My taxes go to all sorts things like ... well actually, I have no idea what my taxes are used for but do I complain?  No.  Do I whine?  No.  You know why?  BECAUSE I'M A DRONE that's why.  I don't have the $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ to buy politicians to make laws especially for me like  .... everyone has to pay taxes except for Debbie. 

As for "having a right to do what you want to do and not what they tell you to do" ... MAYBE that's true for you, but not for me.  I HAVE to do what THEY tell me to do or I go to jail.  See?  That's where we're different.  You HAVE happiness and you're not happy.  You have money and you're not happy.  You're totally pissed off because people are signing up for Obamacare.  Do see how ridiculously stupid that is?  You're MAKING yourself UNHAPPY Glenn.  See, when you're a drone you learn how to be happy being unhappy.  It's called surviving.  And I gotta be real with you ... my life is really pretty great.  I went through two layoffs but survived.  I'm working.  I get a pay check every two weeks.  I'm healthy.  In fact, just today my company laid off 40 people of which I was not one Thank You God.  So you see, you really need to count your blessings Mr. Beck.  YOU'RE RICH AND EMPLOYED. 

END.  OF.  STORY. 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

THE INTERNATIONAL SISTERHOOD OF CLERICAL WORKERS ...

It is said that there is a sisterhood among women.  This I know for sure.  There are many types of sisterhoods, but the one, the most important, is the Sisterhood of Clerical Workers aka Secretarial Drones.  Those of us who serve others in the clerical arts and sciences. 

It came upon me in a flash, as most realizations do, that I had not done something correctly.  A momentary lapse in concentration, a slip, an error and then REALIZATION!  A panic descended.  Then fear.  What to do?! What to do?! 
 
 
The deed was done.  Now I was left to ponder how I would undo it.  At that moment, a lifeline descended from Heaven and into my mind came the words … “Call Elaina” my sister in the clerical arts.  I emailed her, explained the situation and she, without hesitation, appeared at my desk at the ready with empathy, no judgment and understanding.
 
How does one trace the workings of an error?  We think back, consider, remember.  We jump into action, searching the computer for telltale giveaways and clues to undo. 
 
Elaina, Master of the Computer, begins her work.  She clicks and searches, probes and types, VOILA!  A clue!  We are taken into another direction, guided we are certain, by the gods that serve menial servants such as ourselves.  With open hearted trust we follow them, with faith we plod ahead.
 
In the hours that transpired, sweat poured from Elaina's brow and anxiety took hold of my heart.  While she diligently worked, I stood behind her, frantically praying that we would not be discovered trying to undo what had already been done.  Elaina, calm in the midst of a clerical hell, continued on.  She traversed the computer as though it were a mansion with hidden rooms and locked doors.  Hoping against hope that she would find the door and key, the answer that would end my misery and right what had been wronged. 
 
THEN, MIRACULOUSLY she found it!  The illusive and dastardly dog was discovered!  Elaina, steady of hand and mind, CORRECTED the wrong, SAVED the day, and proved, once again, that the Sisterhood is alive and well … ready, willing, and able to serve another day.
 
 
The End