Thursday, April 29, 2010

I just finished watching Oprah interview John Edward's baby mama, Rielle Hunter ...

1. I can't believe Oprah wasted one hour of air time on this idiot; and

2. There are volumes and volumes I could write about this AIRHEAD, but I won't. Just let me say that ...


AND, as for the rest of the parties involved in this farce, they should be lined up and made to write six thousand times ...

I am a lying, opportunistic sorry excuse for a human being and I should have all my pubic hair pulled out with tweezer. AND THEN .... pull all their pubic hair out by a tweezer and broadcast it. Maybe then we could call it even.

You first John Edwards, then ...

Andrew Young and his Stepford wife of a wife second.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Housewives Recap

On last week's episode Jill called a vet who makes house calls to come up to her fabulous apartment to check on Ginger, her ugly Chihuahua. I guess the dog had been acting weird and Jill needed someone to take a look at her. Well, the dog got all panicky and began crapping everywhere. Yikes. Jill spent the entire episode cleaning her carpet, the couch, and the vet's assistant's shoes ... which she promptly washed IN THE SINK ... thankful that they were made of plastic (?????) huh ... ok. Turns out Ginger was fine. However, Jill is still hanging on to some serious resentment over Bethenny. I think it is quite telling how quickly Jill gravitated to The Countess when her marriage went kaput and now they're BFF's. It seems that Jill really does like hanging around the underdog as Ramona said last season.

Okay, the Countess is really starting to piss me off. She is such a Fi-Fi La-La. This latest episode we tag along with The Countess as she looks for an apartment "in the city". She tells us that she's used to living a certain lifestyle in NYC blah blah blah, and then she's all shocked at the prices of the apartments she wants to buy/rent. WTF. Aren't you a Countess? Weren't you married to a Count? Aren't you the one who says you never feel guilty about being privileged? Don't tell me the the Count has you on a budget?! That doesn't sound very Countess-like. We then see her meeting with her realtor wherein she gives her all the specifics about the space she is looking for .... she wants high ceilings, and a fireplace, and a balcony to go outside and she wants an office, and she doesn't like galley style kitchens, and she wants to be up high but not too high, but she doesn't want to be so low that she's looking at a brick wall. Oh, and she must have a doorman. Keep in mind that this broad as a gorgeous home in the Hamptoms ... but she just can't live there full-time because she'd go crazy without the excitement of ... THE CITY. Someone needs a bitch-slap.

Okay, I am totally Team Bethenny and girlfriend is definitely on an upswing. Newly engaged to wonderful Jason and happy happy happy ... and I'm happy for her too. She's dealt with the Jill situation and has made sincere attempts to set things straight but Jill is adamant that she doesn't want her friendship. So in my opinion - fugghedaboutit. OVER ... she tried ... you lose Jill. Then, later in the episode all the Housewives were at a tres chic party. The ladies were seated on a couch and the second Bethenny arrived Jill picked up her toys and left the area which I thought was rude rude rude. Then Bethenny makes her announcement that she is engaged and now Jill feels like crappola. NOW she has a dilemma. Does she congratulate Bethenny insincerely ... or doe she just leave and run the risk of ruining her reputation even more? She opted to congratulate her ... insincerely.

I know I say it all the time but Kelly Bensimon is SO UNBELIEVABLY DUMB I can't help it. Dumb dumb dumb! She can't even make pancakes. At the tres chic party that all the ladies attended, we see Kelly arrive in BOOM SHAKA LAKA LAKA ... the shortest dress I have ever seen. It barely covered her lady parts. It looked like a postage stamp with sleeves. Also, she's gotta STOP that self-tanning crap. She looks way too orange. And ... can I just say those legs of hers look like something a horse would use to count with.

I don't think Ramona's little girl likes it when Ramona focuses attention on herself .. like this whole renewing of her vows ceremony she wants to have. It's very obvious that she thinks her mother is a nut case. I think the little girl feels a lot of pressure from her mother to do certain things for her ... like be her maid of honor ... which she doesn't seem to want to do. Ramona is just a whole lot of crazy but she's the one you watch because you never know what she's gonna say or do.

As for Alex and Simon - these days ... I like them. I really like them. Alex is the only houseswife who is even remotely authentic. So for now ... I'm on her team to.

That's all folks!
p.s. New Jersey Housewives starts next week!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Hey everybody ...

I know I haven't posted much lately but that's because I've been busy doing other things like sending resumes, interviewing and trying to get a job. But ... I do not want to discuss any of that. Suffice it to say ... I am still unemployed. In between all of that I've been catching up with my blog reading and believe me, there are some hysterically funny ones out there ... one day I will list them for you. But more importantly, I've been doing all of my wifely duties without incident or complaint.

I guess by now you've all noticed that I haven't complained about "the old man" in quite a while ... this is because he was feeling a bit slighted by my HUMOROUS meanderings on his quirky and lovable selfishness and lazy ass so I told him I wouldn't "go there" anymore ... but it's difficult because he's such a treasure trove of material for me that I can't tell half of my stories! So, along with that, as I mentioned earlier, I've also managed to maintain CONTROL and DISCIPLINE when I want to implode with rage at the injustice and unfairness regarding the distribution of the household chores ... and so far ... so good ... Danny is still alive ... but I wonder ... am I doing a huge disservice to my psyche? Like holding in a fart for too long? All in all, I really do like it better when I don't get mad and just do what I gotta do without complaint ... like a Stepford wife .... because everyone is just happier ... including me! And then there is that perverted pleasure I get from knowing that ... one day ... when I'm DEAD ... EVERYONE WILL BE SORRY ... and they'll have to wash their own dishes and do their own laundry ... but I don't wanna be a hater and go there because I've truly turned over a new leaf. So I guess you could say I had an epiphany ... I just realized that the way to peace and happiness is to JUST SHUT UP. Now here's the really interesting (and frustrating) part about all of this ... NO ONE NOTICES that I've turned over a new leaf. No one notices that I don't get pissed off anymore. No one notices that I don't complain or whine or bitch. And yet ... though months and weeks have passed, if I for instance slip ... for just a second and let a SHIT fly out of my mouth it's LIKE NOTHING HAS EVER CHANGED ... for "THEM". As far as THEY are concerned I'm still the same old whining, controlling bitch they've always known and loved. What can I say ... a gal can't catch a break. And even though I would like THEM TO NOTICE ... they don't. And I know that they never will. So short of marking the calendar each day ... I DIDN'T GET PISSED OFF TODAY. I DIDN'T YELL TODAY. I DIDN'T COMPLAIN TODAY and showing them an entire six months of GOOD BEHAVIOR (ok ok, let's say three) and proving to THEM that I am NOT A BITCH, NOT A BITCH, NOT A BITCH ... I know that even that would prove fruitless. And I know all you wives and mothers out there "get it" and you all know where I'm coming from, but I still have yet another "BUT" to throw into the mix ... IT DOESN'T MATTER. None of it. You know why? Because I KNOW WHAT I KNOW and I KNOW that I'm not a bitch and I'm not a whiner. How do I know this? Because the voices in my head tell me so.

La Mission

I have been wanting to see this movie since it came out last week. Benjamin Bratt has been doing a lot of press for it and since I already think he's a babe and a half I REALLY WANTED TO SEE IT. It was really good and I liked it alot. Though the character he plays is a tough guy, he will also break you heart ... plus, he is one hunka-hunka burnin' love. The movie takes place in the Mission District in San Francisco and it's basically about the lowrider culture (which is right up my alley) ... Benjamin Bratt OOZES, SEETHES with sexuality. OMG. I will always love my Viggo but this guy could seriously make me unfaithful in my head to my boyfriend Viggo. Check out this pic ... YOWZA ... I must have that tattooed bad boy! He really is such a good actor. If none of you have ever seen "Pinero" I'd suggest you rent it. It's about Nuyorican poet and playwrite, Miguel Pinero. A definite must see.

p.s. I wanna be a chola.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Kate Gosselin gets new T.V. Show ...

GOOD LORD why do they keep shoving this woman down our throats?! Not that I ever watch her, she irritates the hell outta me. What I have seen of her are little clips here and there of her dancing (she looks like a marionette with someone pulling her strings ) ... and having a meltdown with her dance instructor. Now, her new T.V. show is going to be all about Miss Kate travelling all over the country helping families that are going through their own "challenges". Again, who is going to watch her brood while she's running around the country whipping other families into shape? Ay, her poor kids. I mean look at her! What a sourpuss! And seriously ... her "I'M JUST A MOM" talk is getting really old. SHE IS NOT JUST A MOM. She is a opportunistic, self-serving narcissist who is desperately trying to milk every ounce of her 15 minutes of fame in to $$$$$. Go away Kate. We don't like you. You're mean.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Bear with me folks ...

Fear. Fear has been one of the most powerful motivating forces in my life. It has ruled me. I'd feel it like a knot in the middle of my chest whenever I'm in a position where someone has to make a decision about how qualified, smart, capable, intelligent (add whatever else you wanna add here) ... I am. I KNOW that if I could just stay connected to Source (God, the Universe) I'd be fine, but in order for me to do that I'd have to live in a cave and read my bible, my self-help and spirituality books EVERY DAY ... until I died.

My two years of unemployment have been great on one hand ... no one telling you what to do. NO STRESS. NO REVIEWS. But, you have no money. You can't go on a cool vacation with your hubby, you can't color your hair or shop for clothes. But I'm not going to get all negative because the second interview of a great possibility did not go my way. I know the position wasn't for me. It was an area I had no experience in whatsoever. A different animal than working in a private law firm ... which I know how to do. Nope. I'm not gonna get depressed and negative. The market is moving ... a little. Things have started changing ... and I have a few irons in the fire.

Time gives you lots of time to think and to reflect. My blog has given me the opportunity to think about such things as farts ... and what color they would be based on how bad the smell is. It's also allowed me to vent about rude cell phone users who think that I, and anyone else withinin earshot, want to hear all about their exciting and interesting lives ... When we DON'T. It's allowed me to reminisce about my life, most especially my youth .... and to remember that once upon a time, a long time ago, ... I knew who I was ... and I knew I wasn't mainstream.

There was a time when I BELIEVED I could do anything, manifest anything, make people do what I wanted them to do if I just waited long enough for the universe to play it out and bring me what I wanted most. There is still a tiny little flame of that that burns deep inside me ... a tiny, tiny flame. I know that I can manifest something great and unexpected. I know that my writing is funny ... I know that people like to read my take on things because even though it's MY TAKE, it's not unlike other people's take, only I can put it on paper and make it funny. This is MY GIFT. My mind ... my skewed viewpoint (which none of my teachers thought much of) ... but which I know is it's own kind of brilliance. Forgive me for being so bold as to say it, but say it I MUST. For too long I've thought too little of myself. And what I've learned in the last two years, thanks to daily Oprah watching, is that the entire world is just as effed up as me. And I don't mean that in a negative way, I REALLY DON'T. I mean it in the most common and human way possible. Everyone struggles with something. Oprah had an "AHA!" moment just yesterday about eating and God .... you see she read a book and now .... SHE GETS IT! Oprah has been GETTING IT for the last 20 years and she has a T.V. show and makes billions and billions of dollars telling us we can GET IT too! If we just read this book, or if we just eat this food, or if we just exercise this way. But you know what? NO ONE GETS IT. I'll tell you what ... here's what TO GET: Life is a struggle. Sometimes things go our way and sometimes they don't. WHO you are .... your soul, your essence, is all that matters. At some point you realize that you know WHAT YOU KNOW. And that KNOWING is the wisdom that comes with living 50 or more years. We never stop learning, but at some point we MUST be kind and loving ... TO OURSELVES. That's the secret. We must be kind to others, of course, but mostly I think we need to be KIND TO OURSELVES. You know who said that don't you? I hope you do.

So here it is .... after years of therapy, years of reading self-help books and going to church, years of bible studies and reading thousands of spiritual books, you know what I've found out? IT NEVER GETS EASY. EVER. It's supposed to be like this. We don't wake up one day and BE who we believe we should have been years ago ... WE ALREADY ARE who we're supposed to be. SO LOVE YOURSELF. BE KIND TO YOURSELF and remember that GOD is in control ... ALWAYS.

Monday, April 5, 2010


EVERYBODY hates Kate Gosselin.

And she CAN'T DANCE.


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Okay ... moving right along

From my lovely, inspiring and thought provoking post of Thursday to the wacky world of those zany housewives in New York City ... LET'S DISH!

Kelly Bensimon (second from left in photo) turns into a giggly 14 year old girl whenever she is in the company of a human being with a penis. You'd think that being a big ol New York socialite/ex-model who has just done a shoot for Playboy she'd come off a lot more mature, secure and sophisticated than Hannah Montana. Kelly met with a journalist for the interview that will accompany her naked pics in Playboy. She flirted and gushed and ran her fingers through her hair and said OMG about seventeen hundred times and then she kept asking him what he thought of her naked pictures ... this chick is a PIECE OF WORK. She is so obvious in everything she does she's embarrassing to watch and the clincher is, she thinks she's cute and adorable. But, I guess this infantile behavior has always worked for so ... there you go. And surprise, surprise, after the interview the cute journalist DID ask her out "on a date" to which she responded ... "are you asking me out on a date!? like a real date where you pick me up and everything! OMG! Sure! Oh wow! Great!!! Trust me ... you had to see it to appreciate it. Proof once again that the male species has a brain about the size of a pea.

Newly divorced LuAnn DeLessups ... OOPS! What a FAUX PAUS! I meant, The Countess DeLessups (good thing I caught that when I did. She might have sued my ass for not referring to her in the correct manner, along with a curtsy) Anyway, we see her speaking with her teen aged daughter Victoria about the prospect of "getting out there" again and you know ... dating. Her daughter is really sweet and according to The Countess, EXTREMELY TALENTED AND GREAT AT DRAWING. Uh, I saw the pictures she was drawing and she draws just about as good as I do. Sorry. Just being truthful. SO, The Countess, who just happens to personally know designer Catherine Malandrino, tells her daughter that she'll get her an internship with the designer for the summer because she and "Cathy" are close personal friends and since Victoria draws so amazingly well she's fairly certain that her daughter is going to grow up to be a designer. And just like that, a 14 year old girl is assured a summer internship with a style icon. What 14 year old girl gets a summer internship with a super duper famous fashion designer? I guess it pays to be a pretentious, social climbing COUNTESS.

And that's all I have to say about that ... the rest of these gals did not move me to make anymore comments or observations because it was the SAME OLD SAME OLD, JUST A BUNCH OF CACKLING OLD HENS.