2010 EMMY AWARDS RED CARPET LOOKS

Once again it is that time of year for all us slugs to watch the beautiful people being beautiful. The one and only Kate Gosselin of "Jon & Kate plus 8 plus 56 other kids and a set of twins", was in attendance at the Emmys in basic black with an up do. I hate this broad. Grade: F-
now GO AWAY.





Beautiful Jewel. I give her an A+ ... cause she's pretty and I like her.

Actress Toni Colette. Fantastic actress with unbelieveably bad taste. Sometimes these choices can really boggle one's mind. Picture this ... she walks into the dressing room, tries it on and falls in love. That is the ugliest rag I've ever seen ... I wouldn't be buried in it. Grade: F- to the negative 1. OFF THE CHARTS UGLY.

I had this exact same dress in the 1990's, except it was shorter and had a little bolero jacket. Not impressed. Grade: D-

January Jones of Mad Men. Awwww, NO. Hair: bad, Shoes: bad, Dress: bad. Overall Grade: BAD.

Christina Hendrick's from Mad Men. Everyone is always raving about this gal's "curves" but to me she just looks like fat chick with gigantic boobs that she should (a) hide; (b) cover up; or (c) get reduced. And while you're at it .... get a tan, jeez.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COUPLE AT THE EMMYS. Ari Nicole Parker and hubby Boris Kodjoe. Grade: A+ ... (think i want him ... that is one beautiful man).

Kimmie Kardashian, in virginal white. Perfection. Grade: A+

This little girl obviously bought her dress at that fabulously chic boutique, Windsor (found in malls across the country) ... I don't know who she is but someone should have told her something.

Grade: C- (only cause she's young) ... It looks like she wore her mother's prom dress ... from1982.

WORST DRESSED COUPLE AT THE EMMYS. Obviously rented their outfits and boyfriend didn't have enough money to rent matching shoes.

Grade: F-

Mama Kardashian looks like an amazon next petite Eva Longoria and daughter Kim.

Grade: D-

(only cause she bugs me)

YES HEIDI, WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE A SIZE 2 and you you've had four kids and you have great legs and you can wear an itty, bitty, teeny, tiny dress and you get an F cause you're just too fuckin' happy.

until next year darlings .... Au Revoir!

DR. LAURA ENDS RADIO SHOW!

HALLALUJAH!!!!! and so long you hypocritical, miserable B***h!

Now, all we gotta do is get Rush "Fatboy" Limbaugh off the air!!!!

Electrolysis anyone?

Geeze louise, get some electrolysis on that forehead for God's sake! You can't tell where your eyebrows finish and your hairline starts! Yikes! You look like you're half Italian and half neanderthal. I'm just sayin'

Restrepo

Yesterday was the first Saturday in quite a while that we haven't HAD anything to do but enjoy so we had a date and went to the movies then had dinner and drinks. Danny picked the movie. I wasn't sure about it because it's a serious documentary about the war in Afghanistan and I didn't want to be bummed out, but I saw it and was riveted to the screen. We went to see "Restrepo", a documentary about the battle in the Korengal Valley in Afghanistan, the most dangerous place on Earth. All I can say is that if you want to learn something, go and see it. When I think about all the reality shows on T.V. and all the narcissistic idiots out there making tons and tons of money, and then you see these soldiers, these young guys with their entire lives ahead of them, some who won't come home, you realize that these are the the guys that should be handed a million dollars, given a beautiful home and free health care for the rest of their lives because they literally, have balls of steel. It is heartbreaking and inspiring what these young men do and all I could think about were the blow-hards like Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck who profess to love America and wonder to myself ... how would YOU handle being in a situation like that? Rush sits in a nice comfy studio making billions of dollars while he pontificates and spews nothing but vitriol and hatred. Put on a uniform, grab a machine gun and go protect the America you love so much Rush ... you big overfed pig. The movie is a real depiction of war. War is war. Nothing is ever gained or won from war. You see the Afghan people who are terrified of the Taliban and pissed at the Americans. They have NO POWER at all. None. For me, it comes down to being a human being. Right/left, Conservative/liberal ... it's all B.S. When you put your life on the line like these guys with a machine gun in your hand and take fire 24/7 it becomes clear who loves America. THESE ARE THE GUYS THAT LOVE AMERICA. At dinner, Dan and I toasted them all, pobrecitos, who are far from home and fighting. Cold, hungry, suffering, hot, working, grieving, and more than anything, wanting to come home. THANK YOU DEAR SOLDIERS. THANKS TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. We could never, ever thank you enough ... God bless you all.

Thoughts of a wandering mind ...

while driving home from work I was remembering some of the slang from my youth. Slang is a unique form of communication because it differs from region to region, ethnicity to ethnicity, but wherever it was that you grew up, your slang was the coolest. And, as I was remembering and laughing to myself, I began to deduce how some of these words came into being ...

When I was in junior high it was very important to know and be seen with older high school kids because they were older, therefore cooler. I was lucky. I had an older cousin who was quite a cool cat and also drove a cool lowered Camaro. When I was still in junior high, he was already at THE RANCH (slang for my high school) ... allow me to 'splain. My cousin lived right next door so I was privy to "cool talk" and only because he was my cousin did I even remotely exist on the planet that is high school. I was given a pass, not that I was cool, but my cousin was cool, so that made me cool by association. My hometown had one high school. EVERYONE went there unless you went to Catholic school. El Rancho High School aka The Ranch ... El Rancho-Ranch ... see! Already you can make a connection ... Spanish-ish, located in a suburb of Los Angeles with a Spanish/Mexican influence - El Rancho (The Ranch) ... I also attended North Ranchito Elementary School (The Little Ranch) ... see ... how stupid huh. Anyway, when moving onto high school almost all of your friends signed your yearbook with this phrase "... and good luck at The Ranch" ... cause we were, of course, moving on to bigger and cooler places - high school - a place where every junior high kid you played against in sports would all be going to school. Just to give you all an indication of how big this school was, there were over a thousand kids in my graduating class. On graduation day I saw faces I'd never seen before ... really, I was looking at all these kids I'd never seen before thinking ... who they hell is that? But I digress ... back to the slang ... some of the words I remember were as follows:

JETTER: (Adj.) To describe one from the upper stratus of the high school feeding chain. Jetter, as in cool one, hipster, jet-setter, ergo, JETTER. Used in a sentence: "I hate her. She's such a jetter."

WALLY: (Adj.) To describe someone from the lower stratus of the high school feeding chain. Dork, weirdo, geek. This term evolved from the Wally character on the Ozzie & Harriet Show. Wally was Ricky Nelson's short and chubby best friend. Short + Chubby = Wally. Used in a sentence: "OMG! He's such a wally!"

Another phrase that got used TO DEATH was ...

"EH ... YOU THOUGHT!" - This was said ad nauseum in the following fashion:

"Oooh look! There's Jimi Hendrix!" and, when you obviously, and excitedly turned to look, your friend would slap you in the head and say ....

"EH! YOU THOUGHT!"

This was to make you feel like an idiot for even THINKING that Jimi Hendrix would be in Pico Rivera.

I had a friend in high school named Laura Ramirez. Laura, and her boyfriend Eddie, once got a ticket for riding a bike on the freeway. Laura had two little sisters (twins) and they would irritate the crap outta her and she was forever yelling at them ... "SHUT UP! YOU'RE GIVING ME A STOMACHE!!!"

You know those retorts that, if you say them to someone, they have absolutely no response? Here was a Laura classic: "Shut up ... your butt hurts." Use this whenever someone (a) insults you; (b) insults you or (c) insults you. What could someone possibly say to the "butt" retort? Nothing.

Example:

Insultor: "Bite me."

Retorter: "Your butt hurts."

See. How can you possibly top that? Use it in good health.

The Dal Rae

My mother's favorite restaurant in all the world was the Dal Rae. The Dal Rae, in my hometown, is THEE place to see and be seen if you're a mover and shaker in Pico Rivera ... an otherwise gang infested suburb of L.A. I have to admit that they do have fabulous food and although they have become quite pricey over the years, you cannot get a better meal, or a better drink anywhere else.
The Dal Rae was how my mother gauged and measured the chic factor of all other restaurants ... in the world. My mom thought the Dal Rae was the most fabulous place on earth with the best piano bar and the best drinks. She knew Bill, the owner very well. She knew all the different piano players and singers who worked there from the 1960's on up to 2005, the year she passed away. She knew all the waiters and busboys and they all knew her. Our family went there for every birthday, anniversary, graduation, birth, death ... any major event in life, we spent at the Dal Rae.

One year for my sister's birthday I wanted to go somewhere different. This was unheard of. GO SOMEWHERE ELSE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE? I knew I was tempting fate by "changing plans" on my mother who would inevitably be thrown into a major fit of anxiety but I held my ground. We're going somewhere DIFFERENT!

So, I made reservations at the Parkway Grill. A very glam restaurant in Pasadena. We arrived, my mom and dad, my sister and my husband and I. Before the drinks arrived I could already feel the energy being sucked from our table ... like a black hole ... my mother was completely out of sorts. She was in unfamiliar territory ... a menu she'd never seen before ... waiters she didn't know, people she'd never seen before and everything was .... different. I did my best to ignore her and not jump into care taking mode, while at the same time thinking to myself, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING ... SHE'S GETTING ALL VERKLEMPT.

So, as we imbibed and talked and enjoyed the atmosphere, my mother was visibly uncomfortable. When the waiter arrived to take our orders my mom began to question him on the menu ...

Mom: You don't have any Teriyaki tidbits? (remember, she's thinking Dal Rae ... as though all fancy schmancy restaurants have the SAME MENU ...)

Waiter: Uh, no mam.

Mom: Umphf ... well, how about a Lobster Louie?

Waiter: Uh, no mam, I'm sorry.

In her frustration, and realizing she's holding everything up, she orders the soft shell crab. I know she has no idea what she has just ordered but I am not about to tell her because I'm freaking hungry and I was already losing patience.

As the evening progresses, the conversation flows ... and I see her ... fidgeting ... we all feel it, we all ignore it ... she's out of her element ... what kind of restaurant is this? No Teriyaki tidbits! WTF! ...

Dinner arrives. The waiter places my mother's dish in front of her and I swear ... she threw her hands up and lurched backward in fear ....

Waiter: Is there something wrong mam?

Mom: OMG! It's just sitting there ... looking at me ... like a spider!

When will it end ...

Hot flashes. They're the worst! I remember when I was in my 30's there was always that one lady in the office who had a little fan at her desk and I used to wonder ... WTF? It's freezing in here! I am now that lady.

You wake up one day and in the body of a baby whale. You can't see without reading glasses and you can't remember ANYTHING ... and you suddenly realize .... without a doubt .... that you have become ... MATURE.

This is a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing about becoming mature is that you no longer care what people think about you anymore. The bad thing about becoming mature is that people no longer think about you anymore.