KIMYE / NORTH ...

Do they look out of place or what?!  You know that saying … you can put lipstick on a pig?  Yeah.   

 

Well, at least there’s one good thing about it.  Kim can now die.  She has reached the pinnacle of narcissistic success.  Her, her big bad rapper finance, and her baby all on the cover of Vogue.  She’s worked so hard for this.  WHAT an accomplishment!  (I wonder what they paid Anna Wintour to put them on the cover?)  No.  Seriously.  I wonder what they paid her.  Because Anna Wintour doesn't like anybody.  She even made Oprah lose weight before putting her on the cover of Vogue.  And I see Kimmie has already trained little North to pout provocatively.  Nice.
 

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I wish I could write more but I just can't. 

VIGGO ...

It’s been a very, very long time, but Viggo came to see me in the ether last night.  I was stunned.  It’s been SO long.  I was with friends in a big cabin in the woods and it was very dark out.  There were quite a few of us hanging out when lo and behold, who walks in the door?  He showed up bearing gifts ... books and balls of twine, and I thought back to the first time I saw him in the library so long ago when I would try to steal glances at him without getting caught.  Now, here he was so many years later, more familiar than ever and yet strange all at the same time.

He was, as usual, in the midst of making a movie, one he was certain would win him the Academy Award.  He told me the name of it and gave me a free pass to where it was screening.  I was disappointed he didn’t give me a DVD.  The theatre that was screening it was far, far away.  He said he tried but couldn’t manage it. 

 

I found myself falling into the same old pattern ... desperately trying to appear nonchalant and at the same time wanting to tell him how much I loved him and get him alone.  But the time apart had made me feel a stranger ... incapable of the once comfortable, familiar closeness I used to feel.  And more than anything, I didn't want to appear desperate.

 

Everyone began playing games.  He jumped into acting various versions of different classic films, horror films and the like.  I didn’t like it.  He was scaring me.  Then, as usually happens in the ether, suddenly we were in the bedroom.  He was lying on the bed telling me how lonely he was.  I asked him if he had a girlfriend (already knowing about HER) and he nodded yes, but that it wasn’t working out.  Next, as can only happen in the ether, he was still lying on the bed, but now he was wearing an unbuttoned blue shirt and a pair of dark bikini underwear.  He got up off the bed and walked toward me and stood so close to me that I could feel the warmth of his body.  He stood in front of me.  He wanted me to start it.  I couldn’t.  Danny you know … no woman on the face of the earth has ever known a more cruel temptation.  But I left him there to join the others, cursing myself as I walked out of the room because I wanted so badly to grab hold of him and finally know what it would really be like to have him in that way.  The regret was tangible.  But then again, perhaps it was merely indicative of our long and strange relationship ... soul mates for always and never.   

OSCAR NIGHT!!!!

 

 

Okay, first of all I'm a little peeved.  Every year I watch E! Live on the Red Carpet specifically because it's LIVE ON THE RED CARPET!  I don't know what the hell happened this year, but one hour prior to the broadcast there were no more LIVE interviews or footage of the stars arriving, no 360 degree camera, nothing!  The show was now consisted of Giuliana Rancic, Kelly Osbourne, Kristin Cavalleri and some other lady sitting at a table commenting on PICTURES of the stars arriving ????  WHAT.  THE.  FUCK.  I kept thinking I missed something but NO.  So I jump over to Channel 4 and sure enough, there they are INTERVIEWING THE STARS AS THEY ARRIVE!  I WAS SO CONFUSED.  You don't know how I live for award season E! and especially The Academy Awards preshow, so E!, you will be hearing from my lawyers … you messed up BIG TIME.

OK ... let's get started!

The white gown was beautiful!  Why she changed into that black number to do her reporting duties on E! I have no idea!  She looked really beautiful in the white with the beautiful gold overlay.  For the life of me I cannot find a picture of her in the black dress?!?!?!  Ugh!  Anyway, she looked great in the white, the black - NOT so great.    White Dress - Grade:  A+   Black Dress - D-

Giuliana Rancic.  At first I really loved this gown.  I loved the taupe/beige color and the detail on the bodice but the waistline added thickness to her silhouette, don't you think?  It's a beautiful gown but the fit isn't right ... her hair is a tad severe and I think something softer would have worked better.  Anywho ... Grade:  B-

  

Maria Menonous.  I think she is SO PRETTY.  Loved this dress.  She looked very sweet and very pretty.  Love the hair, love the makeup, loved it all.  Grade:  A





Amy Adams, Best Actress nominee wore a VERY simple, VERY boring navy blue dress.  Amy ... you're a NOMINEE!  It is your job to wow us!  A long navy blue dress?  No bling, no glam???  What were you thinking?  I will say your makeup looks beautiful and your hair is okay but I have seen you look WAY better.  So unfortunately, I'm giving you a very AVERAGE C.  (psssst ... I know you've been nominated several times but one should never take an Oscar nomination in passing.  Next time ... GLAM IT UP).  FYI - her "after party dress was AMAZING!  I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE DIDN'T WEAR IT TO THE AWARD SHOW) 

See!  She should have worn THIS on the red carpet!  Grade:  AAA WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!  Gorge!

Naomi Watts ... (she kissed Viggo in Eastern Promises ... *sigh*) I love this look.  She is so beautiful and a really incredible actress.  She looks very pretty in this beaded white gown with the black strappy shoes, but I didn't like her bag.  Grade:  B-

Julia Roberts ... the Queen of Hollywood.  What the hell???  This is the cheapest looking black lace schmata EVER.  The hair is too brassy, the bust and waist add weight to her and she needs to tone up those arms.  Not only does Julia think that she's the Queen of Hollywood I think she also thinks she no longer needs a stylist.  WRONG-O. 
Grade:  F MINUS to the nth degree plus a double minus because this is so, SO BAD. 



Jennifer Lawrence (who fell down on the red carpet AGAIN ... is she smoking something funny?) Anyway, this looks a lot like Amy Adams's dress but in red, however, Jennifer looks GORGEOUS.  Simple,  elegant and GLAMOROUS (Amy, are you listening?)  Grade:  A

Lupita Nyong'o, Award Seasons Red Carpet Darling ... WOW ... absolutely beautiful.  She was perfection.  The blue was such a beautiful shade, so ethereal and feminine.  Loved the diamond headband and her makeup was flawless - Grade:  AAA+++
WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!

The very talented actress Sally Hawkins, nominated for Best Supporting Actress in Blue Jasmine.  Sally ... you DO know what alterations are for right?  Honey, it's a service most high end stores offer.  This dress for instance ... the sleeves are too long, the hem is too long, the entire frock could have been taken in one size.  It is MUCH too big on you.  Also, you're at the Academy Awards ... you should have had your hair done by a professional.  It looks as though you used your own hot rollers and then didn't even bother to brush your hair out.  So unfortunately, as much as I like you, I must, simply MUST give you a F- for ruining a beautiful dress with a terrible fit.  I'm sorry.

Angelina Jolie.  PERFECTION!  Breathtakingly beautiful, so much so that she almost doesn't look real.  The gown is beautiful however the waistline seems teeny bit baggy.  If it were cinched in a bit more I think this dress would have looked even more beautiful.  She looks absolutely gorgeous and I think I like her!  Angelina ... you're getting a BIG FAT A+++  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!

Channing Tatum and his beautiful wife Jenna.  CLASS COUPLE.  What a beautiful pair.  I LOVE her gown, her makeup, her jewels.  GORGEOUS!  Grade:  A+

The very talented Cate Blanchett, Best Actress nominee for Blue Jasmine.  She looks like an ethereal, golden princess.  I love this gown.  This is a winner, grade:  A



Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves.  I think he needs to gain a little more weight but he looks mighty handsome in his white jacket.  Camila, now I LOVE pink as much as the next gal, I really do, but I think this is WAY too much … pink dress, pink shoes, pink bag.  TOO MUCH PINK.  And I don't get the cape thing?  She looks beautiful, but I'm just not feeling this.  It's too mature or something. 
Camila - Grade:  C
Matthew - Grade:  A 

Christy Tiegen John Legend's wife.  I do not like this gown AT ALL.  That pattern looks like the stenciling kits you can buy at Ikea.  I know she is supposed to be some big ol super model but personally I think she is really weird looking ... her face is way too wide and round.  Grade:  F- 

 

I LOVE Charlize Theron.  She is so beautiful however this gown is not working ... at least for me.  I do not like the way the black straps just square off and end and then the plastic straps continue.  I think if they were spaghetti straps it would have looked much sexier.  Grade:  C+

I love Sandra Bullock, Best Actress Nominee.  I really like this navy blue gown.  It's very glamorous and she looks very simple and elegant.  Grade:  A

Penelope Cruz.  I LOVE pink with black therefore I love this beautiful, feminine, Grecian  styled dress!  She looks beautiful.  Love the hair,  love the makeup, love the jewels.  This is perfect!  Grade:  AAA

 

 

Elsa Pataky.  She's a beautiful woman and this is a gorgeous gown however, this is NOT how you do pregnancy on the Red Carpet.  She literally looks like she's carrying a sac of her young and any minute I expect a ton of baby spiders to come crawling out!  ICK!!!!!  Grade:  EEEEEK!

 



Olivia Wilde.  The MOST BEAUTIFUL pregnant woman on the red carpet.  THIS is how you do it Elsa.  Grade:  A+

 

 

Portia De Rossi - GORGE!  Perfection!  Grade:  AAA WINNER WINNER WINNER!

 

 

Ireland Baldwin.  What the hell are YOU doing here?  Honey, you're running a very great risk of being overexposed before you're exposed.  Again, you're only 17 but hon ... you look 25.  that might thrill you now ... in another 10 years, not so much.  Word to the wise?  Go to college.  

Anna Kendrick.  This entire look is a big fat mess.  The hair is terrible, the dress has got way too much going on and I don't like that sheer panel with the red do-dads.  She's striking a Jolie pose which isn't helping matters and the jewels are ALL wrong.  Girl, WHO is your stylist???? 

Grade:  DOUBLE F -



 

OK.  Seriously, I can't stand Miss Jada, however the dress is beautiful and she looks great in it.  She has a rockin' body but what the hell did she do to her face???  I think she had too much collagen shot into those cheeks.  (pssst ... Jada, if you're not careful you might end up looking like Kim Novak.  EEK.  Grade:  A-





 

The truly gorgeous Kim Novak in her hey day.  I can imagine it would be really painful to age when you looked like this, but to do this to yourself ....

 



 

 



 
 



I mean it's terribly sad.  She looks like the kid from Mask.

Well ladies and germs, that's it.  2014 Academy Awards is now over and a thing of the past.  Until next year ... here's hoping Viggo gets a nomination for his role in Two Faces of January!