The Duck Man and other complaints

It's 4:30 in the afternoon and I am sitting on my patio listening to the water gurgle in the little stream that runs behind my condo (I can do this at 4:30 in the afternoon because I DON'T HAVE A FRIGGIN' JOB) and I just saw the Duck Man walk by. Allow me to elaborate. The Duck Man is a single gentleman of a certain age, probably in his mid 50's, who lives in my complex and every few days, without fail, I see him hurriedly running about with his fishing cap on and the pool skimmer he carries (that thing you use to fish leaves out of a pool) trying in vain to chase away every single duck he can find. He HATES the ducks. Now, if you live in a condominium complex rife with streams, ponds, rocks and trees you will inevitably have to deal with nature's little creatures like ducks and squirrels, you get my drift. He's lived here for 20 years and he has made it his job in life to try to rid this complex of every last duck in existence. How do I know he hates the ducks? I've had the misfortune of running into him when I'm walking my dog and he's told me, at length, how he hates the ducks, they're disgusting and filthy, they leave their poop on all the rocks, he's developing premature asthma, he can't breathe, the dander gets in his lungs and he's sick, sick, sick and on and on and on. He has several personal vendettas against two of my other neighbors because .... GASP ... THEY FEED THE DUCKS! He's actually had the Homeowner's Association fine one of these people $1200 ... for feeding the ducks. Somehow that doesn't seem legal. Even if someone IS feeding the ducks ... and they stopped feeding the ducks ... the ducks would still live here, eat here, mate here, have their babies here. WTF. After engaging this guy once or twice I now do my best to avoid him cause he's a pain in the ass. Truthfully I don't know why he just doesn't move. OH WAIT ... if he moved he'd have nothing to bitch about. Some people aren't happy unless they're miserable.

There's another nutcase who lives here ... I run into her when she's walking her two little Yorkies (Porsche and Bentley ... names her dogs after luxury cars ... whatever) she walks around the complex dressed like a beekeeper. Seriously. Even in summer. She wears this big old hat and then she has this contraption that covers her entire neck so all you see is her face, kinda like a nun in one of those old fashioned habits. She's another one. She's lived here for 20 freaking years and everyone in the complex is out to get her. How do I know this? She told me. She's been accused by someone here in the complex of having an affair with one of the other neighbors. She sued the association because she tripped over a raised piece of concrete and fell down and she'd been asking them to repair it for YEARS. The association is crooked. They're stealing money and doing all sorts of unsavory things. Again, LADY, why don't you freakin' move. What makes these people think I wanna hear their crap? That's what blogging is for!

And another thing ... why is it that when I gotta be somewhere there is always some asshole driving ten miles below the speed limit, right in front of me, GOING EXACTLY WHERE I'M GOING? Today, I witnessed yet another jerk-a-zoid making a three point turn (actually, more like a 12 point turn) trying to park her miserable van in a parking space at Food 4 Less but she drove into the ailse in the wrong direction so she couldn't just pull into the space, she had to do a round about, BACK UP, go forward, BACK UP, go forward, BACK UP ... I swear if I'd had a firearm ... meanwhile she's holding up traffic and pedestrians are like waiting for her to get it together so they could continue walking into the store! UGH. I once heard a standup comic say that sometimes he wished he could kill people for being assholes ... but only for 10 minutes. After being dead for 10 minutes they'd come to and realize ... "Gee, I must've been an asshole" ... AH, A-HUH.