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The Duck Man and other complaints

It's 4:30 in the afternoon and I am sitting on my patio listening to the water gurgle in the little stream that runs behind my condo (I can do this at 4:30 in the afternoon because I DON'T HAVE A FRIGGIN' JOB) and I just saw the Duck Man walk by. Allow me to elaborate. The Duck Man is a single gentleman of a certain age, probably in his mid 50's, who lives in my complex and every few days, without fail, I see him hurriedly running about with his fishing cap on and the pool skimmer he carries (that thing you use to fish leaves out of a pool) trying in vain to chase away every single duck he can find. He HATES the ducks. Now, if you live in a condominium complex rife with streams, ponds, rocks and trees you will inevitably have to deal with nature's little creatures like ducks and squirrels, you get my drift. He's lived here for 20 years and he has made it his job in life to try to rid this complex of every last duck in existence. How do I know he hates the ducks? I've had the misfortune of running into him when I'm walking my dog and he's told me, at length, how he hates the ducks, they're disgusting and filthy, they leave their poop on all the rocks, he's developing premature asthma, he can't breathe, the dander gets in his lungs and he's sick, sick, sick and on and on and on. He has several personal vendettas against two of my other neighbors because .... GASP ... THEY FEED THE DUCKS! He's actually had the Homeowner's Association fine one of these people $1200 ... for feeding the ducks. Somehow that doesn't seem legal. Even if someone IS feeding the ducks ... and they stopped feeding the ducks ... the ducks would still live here, eat here, mate here, have their babies here. WTF. After engaging this guy once or twice I now do my best to avoid him cause he's a pain in the ass. Truthfully I don't know why he just doesn't move. OH WAIT ... if he moved he'd have nothing to bitch about. Some people aren't happy unless they're miserable.

There's another nutcase who lives here ... I run into her when she's walking her two little Yorkies (Porsche and Bentley ... names her dogs after luxury cars ... whatever) she walks around the complex dressed like a beekeeper. Seriously. Even in summer. She wears this big old hat and then she has this contraption that covers her entire neck so all you see is her face, kinda like a nun in one of those old fashioned habits. She's another one. She's lived here for 20 freaking years and everyone in the complex is out to get her. How do I know this? She told me. She's been accused by someone here in the complex of having an affair with one of the other neighbors. She sued the association because she tripped over a raised piece of concrete and fell down and she'd been asking them to repair it for YEARS. The association is crooked. They're stealing money and doing all sorts of unsavory things. Again, LADY, why don't you freakin' move. What makes these people think I wanna hear their crap? That's what blogging is for!

And another thing ... why is it that when I gotta be somewhere there is always some asshole driving ten miles below the speed limit, right in front of me, GOING EXACTLY WHERE I'M GOING? Today, I witnessed yet another jerk-a-zoid making a three point turn (actually, more like a 12 point turn) trying to park her miserable van in a parking space at Food 4 Less but she drove into the ailse in the wrong direction so she couldn't just pull into the space, she had to do a round about, BACK UP, go forward, BACK UP, go forward, BACK UP ... I swear if I'd had a firearm ... meanwhile she's holding up traffic and pedestrians are like waiting for her to get it together so they could continue walking into the store! UGH. I once heard a standup comic say that sometimes he wished he could kill people for being assholes ... but only for 10 minutes. After being dead for 10 minutes they'd come to and realize ... "Gee, I must've been an asshole" ... AH, A-HUH.


  1. Neighbors are great aren't they? We have a problem with a neighbors dog. This freakin' animal barks all the freakin' time. I wish people who choose to own an animal would take care of it. Sometimes he barks even when his owner is home...even they can't stand it and they scream out the window to shut up. Needless to say, our local police station knows us and the neighbor.


  2. There are "colorful" people everywhere you go. You can't run and you can't hide.

  3. Maybe the bee-keeper lady is allergic to the sun and has to protect herself with that get-up??? The duck man sounds like he has a phobia and the wrong way parker is an idiot. Don't feel so bad or alone in this, Deb. People like that call me all day long... I'm supposed to be saving lives and educating people, instead I have to deal with the lady who called b/c the restaraunt she wanted to book her bday dinner at wasn't available on the day she wanted to have it. I'm dead serious. Or the woman who called b/c there was a van parked across the street that was stealing her brain waves with aluminum foil on its windows... Or the man who calls with a constipation and enema fascination... and sometimes hemorrhoids, too. Makes me soooo glad I struggled for 4 years to earn my nursing degree and license. Cyanide should be available over-the-counter. Love ya, Sister-Friend

  4. Debbie,

    I have to admit, the Duckman and the Beekeeper lady had me laughing, but also made me realize how disturbed (I assume basically unhappy) they are. I am no psychologist but I know some people like this and it seems to me that since they have nothing of significance in their lives (or at least THEY think so), they therefore have to make trivial and insignificant things ultra important. It is what they have in their power to do. Everyone MUST believe that there's something important about who they are or what they think or do. And if there is nothing important in their lives in reality, then they will make it up. A crusade against the duck. A lady who thinks everyone's out to get her, and surprise, surprise, walks around in a suit to protect her from getting stung. Eccentric? Yes, but unfortunately it comes at the inconvenience and pain of those who live around them.

    No about the person driving the wrong way. That's just utter selfishness.

    I would love to visit your condo.


  5. Let me move into your complex...I'll put those crazies to shame. Argh, argh, argh, ga, ga...



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