RE-RUN: An Oldie But Goodie ...

As most of you know I frequently complain about being a pre-menopausal woman. The night sweats, the irritability, the homicidal mania ... however, there is one other pesky little problem that I've yet to mention. Gas. Lots and lots of gas. All I do is fart ... I HATE IT! I just went upstairs and if my butt cheeks separate just a little out comes the putt-putt-putt of a motorboat. When I was a little girl I would do EVERYTHING in my power to hold in a fart. I mean, I couldn't even say "fart" until a few years ago because I hated everything connected to this action. Once when I was little I told my dad how I hated to fart and he told me with deeply serious concern: "you gotta let that stuff go .... IT'S POISON!" I'd rather explode in on myself, thank you. Today, some 40 years later, they come out at will. I have no control over it. 

Try getting romantic when you have gas. I once enthusiastically mounted my husband and out of nowhere ...  well, you can figure out the rest. Luckily, when you've been married for years and years something like that just makes you laugh hysterically. Had I been a single woman in my 20's it might have been a completely different story and I might not be here to tell it.

My husband doesn't call it by it's proper name. He just tells me to quit backfiring. This is also a real problem when you're in public. The best place to release gas is anywhere with aisles ... supermarkets and bookstores are good. This makes for a quick escape and less possibility of blame. However, if you're in a large room with a lot of people you must maneuver quickly in order to leave the trail far enough behind you so people left in your wake can't blame you.  This is is called "blaming a fart on someone else".  Not very nice, but necessary.

I've often wondered ... what if you could see your farts? What if colored plumes of air escaped from your posterior enabling all to see who did what and to what degree of pungency.

1. An orange plume would indicate a slight odor - not a serious worry. Chances are by the time you reach the orange plume, the smell will be gone;

2. A Pink plume would indicate a more substantial odor - would maintain a safe distance until pink plume becomes somewhat rosy, or dissipates completely;

3. A purple plume would indicate a truly foul odor - turn around and walk, don't run, quickly, in the other direction. Do not return until you get an ALL CLEAR and it is safe to continue on ...

(See.  This is what I do all day long ... think up shit like this ... is it any wonder I'm unemployed.)