Tuesday, September 28, 2010

UGH! I've had just about enough of these two ...

Demi and Ashton - Class Couple

1. How old is this woman? I'll tell you how old she is ... she's PUSHING 50. FIFTY and she fucking tweets pictures of her and her boy-toy husband in bed so we'll know that:

(a) they're not separating;

(b) having trouble in paradise; or

(c) that stud muffin Ashton isn't boinking younger broads.

Demi, seriously girlfriend. What do you think ... all us old broads out here wished we looked like you and had a 32 year old puppy for a husband. You think we look at your tweets and think "AWWWWW ... HOW CUTE THEY ARE! We wanna be just like them. Well, let me tell you ... we DON'T. You're an idiot. I mean, I'm sure the sex is hot and super fantastic but girlfriend, you're 47, he's 32. THIRTY-TWO. When you're 50 he'll be 35. IN HIS MANLY PRIME. HE'S A BOY TOY. A BOY YOU TOY WITH ... NOT MARRY. And I don't care how much botox and plastic surgery you get, your lady thing is gonna dry up and you're going to head down that miserable road all old broads must face ... MENOPAUSE. There ain't no stopping it. And another thing, tweeting everytime the two of you fart is not necessary to know in life. So please ... go away and make a movie or something.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


I don't know what it is, but it all started a few years ago with my Viggo. And let me say right here that Viggo will always be my No. 1 Fantasy Boyfriend, BUT lately ... I've been getting these unbelievable big ol crushes on guys from the 1970's and I completely JONES over them. Right now my big ol crush is on Gino Vannelli. My husband bought me an IPOD and I always loved Gino Vannelli's music so I downloaded a ton of it and now I cannot stop listening to him and thinking about him and wanting to be his girlfriend. Seriously.

It's obsession verging on madness. But look at him! He's the typical sex god from the 70's. Big hair, tight pants, hairy chest. And his songs ... his lyrics are very sexy and deep ... he literally make me swoon.

A while back I was in love with Robert Lamm of Chicago. I searched the Internet like a madwoman trying to find pictures, video, any information on him I could possibly find ... totally obsessed.
It's like I am suffering from some form of latent teenage lust. So I asked my sister WTF is this all about because she's a RN and I thought she could give me a medical/psychological reason. She told me "you're horny".

SO, back to my original question ... does this ever happen to you? Please let me know. Send me your comments, your stories and the names of your crushes. Help a middle aged sister out ... I can't be the only one out there.

I await your stories and comments with anticipation ... SMOOCHES!

Friday, September 17, 2010

More discussion on middle age ... (not for the squeamish)

I was emailing my sister from work today while in between doing "very important work" and I just had to mention to her that I had the amazing ability to let one rip for a good two minutes. Yes. You heard me correctly. TWO. SOLID. MINUTES. I could probably propel myself to impressive distances if I could just figure out a way to fashion a suit with wings and make it work to my advantage. This is just one more frustrating symptom of becoming an old bag. The bloating, the distended belly, and the need to let it go ... or die. Sometimes I want to tell people ..."you know, I'm not really this fat. I just need to be pierced". I once saw a documentary about these sheep and if they ate too much alfalfa they would actually bloat to the point where the sheepherder had to stick this gigantic needle into their bellies to let the gas out or they'd die. Swear. You could actually hear the gas seeping Ssssssss from their bellies. IF ONLY they could do that for people.

Then I thought, hey ... what if they used me as a form of torture? Instead of water boarding they could just use me and others like me ... and believe me ... IT WOULD BE torture. Which then prompted my sister to tell me about a movie she once saw about a bunch of inept super heroes called "Mystery Men" and how one of the super heros was called Fartman. I've never seen this particular film because it isn't my type of movie but according to her it's hilarious. So then began an exchange which went on for a good two hours about farts, bloating and thought provoking film versus those like Fartman.

And that's all I have to say about that ... I know I haven't posted in quite a while because I've been so busy and then I got really sick and I missed a few days of work and I have no time to devote to my blog, which is a big ol bummer. So folks, though it was a short one ... and though I can't say it was sweet, at least you're at a safe, safe distance. Until later ....