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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Arnie

Except for my mother and father, no one has known me longer than my cousin Arnie. We're practically twins from the same womb ... we're first cousins,our mothers were sisters. Arnie always reminded me of Opie. Not because he had red hair, but because he was really cute ... like Opie.  Arnie and I lived next door to each other almost our entire lives. When we were little, little kids, before we were in school, we lived in a little duplex in East L.A. As close as we were, we would also get into these terrific fights where we would try to beat the crap outta each other. Our mothers' had a very strange way of separating us ... they would move the trash cans across the little cement back yard to separate us and keep us from killing each other,  then they'd peel us off each other.  I have no idea how they came up with this method but we have laughed about it ever since.  

On 4th Street we had a little neighbor girl named Lorraine.  Lorraine was evil. Really and truly. She had a cute little, white puppy and I still remember to this day how she would break his little nails off his paws and the little puppy would yelp and cry.  Is that fucken sick or what!  Arnie and I didn't like Lorraine. She scared us and gave us the heebie jeebies. I guess you can recognize twisted psychosis even at the age of four. 

We also used to play with a brother and sister ... Rita and Pelon ... Pelon was appropriately named because he had a little shaved head due to head lice.  My mother and my Tia Chata did not like Arnie and I playing with Rita and Pelon.  I couldn't figure out why until I got head lice from Rita.  My mother was MORTIFIED.  She washed my hair for hours on end with vinegar and then Tia Martha and Tia Chata helped pull the dead bugs outta my hair.  OMG I remember them pulling those dead creatures outta my hair for hours!  It was torture.  Arnie and I used to get in fights with Rita and Pelon all the time and then we'd race home down Woods Avenue on our big ol red tricycle, Arnie pedaling furiously as I would stand on the back yelling "COME ON ARNIE!!! WE CAN MAKE IT!!! FASTER FASTER!"

When I was in the second grade we moved to Manzanar and if you're familiar with my blog you will know that I grew up with all of my cousins on the same block. We lived right next door and across the street from each other. Arnie, Eddie and I were the same age and started school at the same time and every other year or so I'd have one of my cousins in class. Arnie and I were in second grade together and what I remember about that was that our teacher couldn't say Arnie's name correctly. She would call him Army.  I used to think to myself ... ARMY?  Get it right you stupid teacher!  

When Arnie was little he had a lot of allergies and I always felt very protective of him. I remember watching him one day as he sat across the desk from me while we were cutting circles out of construction paper.  Because they give you safe, useless, funky scissors in kindergarden, it was almost impossible to cut a clean circle.  Arnie's circle was all funky and as I watched him working away with his little, crusty allergy eyes I felt a huge burst of love for him. I just wanted to throw my arms around him and give him a big ol hug. 
Arnie was always making up games and songs. He had one little jingle we used to chant when we saw the bus coming: the bus, the bus, the B-U-S, the bus, the bus, the B-U-S. He also made up a game we used to call "jump the shadow" ... in the morning we used to wait for the school bus on a big main boulevard and when the big semi-trucks passed by (we used to call them suckin' mama's) they would make a gigantic moving shadow that we would jump over. This, of course, was in the olden days way before computer games and Ipods and all the other crap that turn a kid's brain into oatmeal.

Arnie and I were always competitive. He was a really good student and a big ol show off and he would irritate the hell outta me by bragging about this ad nauseum and say things to me like ..."I got straight A's on my report card ... do you think I'll pass?" which would make me wanna punch him in the face. He also beat me at everything. He was a better student than I was and ALWAYS, ALWAYS won at board games. This was until I caught him stealing money from the bank when we were playing Monopoly. All this time I thought he was just super lucky and he'd been cheating and winning under false pretenses! He'll never know how this effected my self-esteem! When I finally busted him and called him out "YOU CHEATER!!!!" he just laughed and laughed ... I never could figure out how he could enjoy winning by cheating, but he did. I guess he figured who's gonna know?

In the 4th grade my cousin Eddie and I were in the same class. To me, Eddie always reminded me of Tweetie Bird because they both had the same dimples. Our 4th grade teacher was Mrs. Faraca ... I HATED HER. I used to spin myself round and round in the morning before school so I could make myself throw up I hated her that much. I made up my own little song about her ... MS. FARACA THE CACA, MS. FARACA THE CACA ... She had these big old bulging blue eyes and when she got mad they would literally pop out ... she was one of those teachers who would yell in class and freak everybody out. These days I probably could have sued her for causing me emotional distress in the form of stomach aches and nightmares! One afternoon after recess, we were all lined up to go back into class. Boys on one side, girls on the other. Eddie and I were both at the very end of the line when Eddie decided to bend his knees into the knees of the boy in front of him and I swear to God the entire line went down like a stack of dominoes!

It was hilarious ... That was the year that Arnie was in Miss McGonigal's class. She was from Texas and had a Texas drawl. She had very strict rules when spelling out loud. The rule was, if you weren't sure how to spell something and you said, for instance: "Barn, B - A - R - ...N? She'd say in her Texas drawl ... "DON'T END IN A QUESTION MARK!" Of course, as always, Arnie got straight A's again ... and Eddie and I didn't ... cause we were just NORMAL ... and traumatized by MRS. FARACA THE CACA ...

Octomom (note smashed baby by Octomom's cleveage ... ay yi yi)

Every one in a while I'll dry up and have nothing to blog about and I'll wonder to myself when or where inspiration will strike? Somehow, something always triggers my viewpoint on something and, well today, inspiration struck BIG TIME when I happened to see Nadya Suleman a/k/a The Octomom on The View. Just let me say right now, this gal is a certifiable WACKADOO. From her mindless chattering to her demented cackling laughter all I kept thinking to myself was ... IS SHE ON CRACK? And for those of you who didn't see this program, don't worry ... I'm certain it will be all over the Internet and recapped on every single news and entertainment program on T.V. tonight. She was so jumpy and hyper that Joy Behar actually asked her if she was on something to which she responded "DNA! My mom is the same way!!!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Why they had her on the show is beyond me but for whatever it's worth, she talked about the fact that she was delusional and in serious denial about the reality of raising 14 kids (but once she hit the pipe all that anxiety and fear just melted away) and then she talked about how she lost a ton of weight, NOT BY DIETING, but by building MUSCLE MASS. OOOOOOOH. Is that what I've been doing wrong all these years? Mhmmmm .... muscle mass .... and SHE'S WRITING A BOOK (I bet you all saw that coming) ... OH, and she wanted to emphasize how very, very shy she is and how she never, ever wanted all this media attention ...

(Hence the photograph on the left) I always wondered about Playboy playmates who say this very same thing ... "I'm really very shy" ... as they straddle an ironing board and smile at the camera whilst grabbing their breasteses.)

Octomom wants us to believe that she delivered 8 babies and got this body not by dieting or liposuction and a super industrial heavy duty tummy tuck, but by building muscle mass and being naturally hyper with a super fast metabolism that just burned away all those pesky calories ... (she said ... as she hit the pipe once more) ...

Thursday, February 18, 2010

A few more memories ...

Let's take another trek down memory lane to the 1970's and recall a few more songs that were very special to me in my young life ... where a 16 year old girl still lives and dreams and pines about the boy that wrecks her dreams ...

Marvin Gaye, Distant Lover, LIVE.

EVERY TIME I hear this song I always have the same reaction ... a big ol smile comes to my face. The intro starts slowly ... and then the crowd begins to realize that he is getting ready to sing Distant Lover and the place goes absolutely WILD with screams. ... the memory for me is always, always the same ... See! Who needs videos? Imagination is so, so, ... much more. Whenever I hear Brick House by the Commodores I always see a brick house of a black girl in tight jeans and a yellow tube top dancing ... that's my own personal video. Whenever I hear My Cherie Amor I see Elaine Phillips and Jerry Santana walking down the block. These are my own personal memories, the videos of my imagination.

Wasn't he beautiful ...
I actually met Marvin Gaye once. It was the early '80's, Universal Amphitheatre L.A. My girlfriend Diane invited me to go see Julio Iglesias (not my kind show but it was free okay) ... after the lights went down and the show had started he and two other people took their seats ... RIGHT BEHIND US! And I kept thinking to myself, IS THAT HIM? IS THAT HIM? OMG ... IT'S HIM!!! We didn't have the best seats and I kept thinking to myself ... why does he have such lousy seats? As I kept trying to convince my girlfriend that Marvin Gaye was sitting right behind us, all she kept telling me was to "shut up ... I'M SINGING!"

Sure enough, concert over, lights go up, I turn around and MARVIN GAYE IS LOOKING RIGHT INTO MY EYES! I smiled ... I told him I loved him, and he smiled back and said thank you. He asked my name, shook my hand and engaged me in conversation, like really sincerely you know ... and there I was rapping with Marvin Gaye!!! No one had yet realized that a music legend was in the house ... so I had him all to myself for a few minutes. Then, little by little, people started to notice him and in a few seconds he was surrounded by people and I got pushed back. My one lifetime regret is that I didn't ask him for his autograph - IDIOT, but I didn't wanna bug him, you know. And, as I was being pushed further and further away and he was being surrounded by people, I waived and yelled out "Bye Marvin!" ... and I SWEAR TO GOD, he stuck his head out from the crowd, made eye contact with me and said ... "Bye Debbie!" A few months later, he was dead.


Best Cruising Song Ever - All Day Music, War

Growing up on the east side of L.A. in the '70's there was the low rider culture. Car clubs, cruising, music. No different really from the car culture of any other American town, teenagers and cars and music all go hand in hand, but in the 1970's, L.A. was, well what can I say, L.A. was just a lot cooler than your other cruising scenes, not that I'd experienced cruising anywhere else, but come on, we're talking about L.A. babee ... the infamous and renowned Whittier Boulevard ... where many a heart was broken and probably a few bones too.

Once again, cousin Danny and his gold Camaro come to mind. Cool Dan and the cousins were getting ready to cruise the boulevard ... Me: I WANNA GOOOOOOO ... please Danny, please, take me with you, ... LET ME GOOOOOOOO pleeeeeeze. Danny: OKAY OKAY! But you gotta sit in the back! AND DON'T TALK TO ANYBODY and DON'T POINT AT ANYONE! (gee Dan, why didn't you just tie my hands behind my back and put electrical tape over my mouth .... sheesh). But if that's what it took in order for me to go then I'd keep my mouth shut and not ask any questions or point at anybody. It was about as much fun as you might imagine if you couldn't talk or look or laugh or move. I kept thinking to myself, just wait Danny, one day I'mona have my own car and I'mona have cooler friends than yours and I'mona go cruising and YOU'RE GONNA WANNA HANG OUT WITH ME ... JUST WAIT!

When I was 19 years old I bought my first car, a little orange VW. It was the disco craze and my girlfriends and I would pile into my little VW and cruise Montebello Park. And no. Danny never went with me. HA HA. My little orange VW was my special friend. I had that car for YEARS and in an attempt to be a "cool" older sister, I would let my brother borrow it once in a while. THE LAST TIME I let him take it he brought it home, parked it, came into the house and NEVER told me that he had scraped the entire driver's side from bumper to bumper on a metal pole, or stop sign, or whatever the hell he did. But he f-ed up my car. I didn't discover this until the next morning when I was on my way to work. UGHHHHHHHH! GEORGE!!!!!!!

My brother could be a weird little cat sometimes. He was incredibly funny but in an irritating make-you-wanna-kill-him kinda way. When we were still in high school I once woke up to find him in my room turning all the little knick knacks on my dresser and bureau to face the wall. I watched him do this for a few seconds before I asked him ...'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"

George: I wanted you to think you woke up on the other side of the mirror. Ba dump bump.

He had some funny idiosyncracies like ... he would not eat baloney unless he slapped it on the table ... cause ... (are you ready?) ... he had to wake it up. He also would not drink milk unless he shook the bottle REALLY hard ... Why? To wake it up ... I told you he was weird. One eventful night way back in the olden days, we were coming home from a great little jazz club on the westside of L.A. and he decided to start reading all the freeway signs out loud ... and backwards. MOTHER OF GOD HELP ME! Example: Freeway - Yaweerf; Soto Street - Teerts Otos; Manzanar Avenue - Euneva Ranaznam ... he did this ALL THE WAY HOME despite my yelling at him to SHUT UP or I'd make him get outta my car! UGH. No one could irritate me more than my brother, and vice versa. One night when my parents had gone out it was just the three of us at home, me, my brother and my baby sister. I was probably 17 at the time and George was 15. I was sitting on the couch watching t.v. when all of a sudden a head appears in the hallway ... a head with a black stocking over it ... my heart stopped. I didn't know whether to scream or pee in my pants I was so flippin' scared .... yeah ... Georgie! YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!!! YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUTTA ME!!! He also once chased me around the house with a knife cause I was driving him crazy. Ahhhh, the wonderful memories of youth.

Now we're both in our 50's. We laugh alot about the old days and are grateful for the kind of childhood we had when kids could run around the neighborhood and stay out at night in the summer playing with all the other kids on the block. Kids today don't have the same kind of childhood that we had and I think that is so sad. We didn't have "play dates" ... WTF is a play date?! We just went outside and played. And if we wanted to go over to a friend's house we just went. We didn't schedule play dates.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Ho Hum ... just a little post

I haven't posted in quite a while ... I haven't had anything to complain about and I haven't been struck by anything worth blogging about. Is this what they call "writer's block"? Part of my inability to blog is a combination of trying to take care of some business ... like (a) finding a job and (b) practicing delayed gratification. Do what I need to do first, then do what I love to do second. Unfortunately, between this and that ... I seem to have dried up. I have no stories to tell.

I do miss my boyfriend and am very sad he wasn't nominated for an Oscar this year. It doesn't appear that he will be doing any movies in the near future and this makes me very sad ... a Viggo movie always gives me so much to look forward to. Whatever shall I do? Should I find a new crush? There are a few fellas I would seriously consider stalking ... but I would feel as though I was being unfaithful to Viggo ...

I've also run out of steam regarding the Housewives. They are much too vapid for words. I doubt that I'll be writing too much about them in the near future unless somebody kills somebody or something serious like that.

So, I had a birthday. I turned FIFTY THREE years old on February 8. On February 12, I got my period. Un-flipping-believable!!! I thought for sure that 2010 would be the end of my reproductive years ...YOU'D think? I was a late bloomer so I guess I'll be a late finisher. Whatever. I have the hot flashes, the night sweats, every other symptom of menopause except THE PAUSE. Which makes middle-age all the more delightful. I saw Suzanne Somers on Larry King one night. She's a huge advocate of natural remedies, vitamins and stuff like that. She's in her sixties and she is taking supplements that make her continue to menstruate. She says that for her, these are the sexiest years ever. Suzanne ... you need to talk to some real women. No rational, normal woman in her 50's, let alone her 60's, wants to get a period. It doesn't matter how SEXY you feel. MOVIE STARS. Always telling us what the eff to do. UGH.

And that's all I have to say about that.

She doesn't write ... she doesn't call

... i love her so much, Debbie ... oh Debbie ...


Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Housewives

OK ... Jim and Alexis went to Palm Desert for a little "get-a-way" cause dayum, their lives are sooooooo stressful! In the gorgeous cream colored interior of their fabulously expensive car, Jim insists that they must "lay out and get some sun" and then chastises Alexis for only packing one swimsuit. He tells her that he will buy her a new bikini (because God knows we can't wear the same bathing suit two days in a row and have "our fans" thinking that I can't afford to keep my whore wife, knee deep in bikinis.

They arrive at the beautiful five star location wherein we see the two of them giddy with excitement. We then watch as Alexis gushes over the fact that her husband has reserved the Presidential Suite. This hotel has special meaning for these two because it's where they met (awwwwwwww) ... as Alexis tells it, she was on vaca with a couple of girlfriends, done with men after having come off her first marriage and there she was, sitting at the pool in her itty bitty teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini and her 36G's and along comes the Pillsbury Doughboy with a bucket of beer and says to her the most romantic words she had ever heard .... "you're either hot or thirsty so which one is it?" BE STILL MY HEART. And that was it! True love ...!

As we watch the happy couple enter their beautiful, huge (and unbelievably tacky) suite, Alexis again goes on and on .... omg would you look at this place! look at the views! look at the rooms! look look look look!!!!! To which fatboy replies, it better have beautiful views for $2,985.00 a night. God almighty does this dufus ever NOT tell you what the F he paid for everything? Sheesh! He's so OBVIOUSLY noveau riche.

And by the way pal, flamingos are not swans.

These are flamingos:




and these are swans ... YOU IDIOT. And no. I don't know how much they cost.

And P.S. ... Alexis, don't think I didn't catch that little remark you made about you and Jim going to your room to watch a movie ... and you know what that means (wink wink) .... (uhhh, maybe it's just me but .... isn't porn kind of a no-no for Christians?)

There is so much more to say about these two but I'm already throwing up a little bit in my mouth, so let's move on.

Beautiful Gretchen. Don't you just love when rich people "worry" about having enough? Gretchen and her $2.5 mil is a tad worried about what she's going to do with the rest of her life (cause God only knows how long $2.5 million will last) so she's decided to launch her own makeup line and went to Vicki for advice because Vicki's such a success. It doesn't matter that they hate each other and given half a chance would derive immense pleasure by gouging each others eyes out. They'll gladly hug and make nice for the camera for that big ol paycheck they receive for participating on a reality show. (e.g., selling your soul to the devil for $$$). (...p.s. I'd rather see them gouge each others eyes out).

Tamra & Simon.
In a truly selfish act of devotion, Tamra decides to tattoo Simon's name on her ring finger to prove she really does love him and she takes Mickey Rooney with her. This of course, is the kiss of death to any relationship. Tattooing the name of your loved one anywhere on your body or ... being on a reality show, basically insures the end of almost any relationship. Tamra confesses to Simon what she has done between pounding shots of tequila and downing Margaritas. Simon tells her it is the most selfless thing she has ever done and kisses her finger and now everything is ALL BETTER. (p.s. Simon has since filed divorce papers on Tamra).


Vicki & Don (& Simon & Tamra) ...

OBVIOUSLY there is no love lost between Vicki and Simon, however neither one of them can LET IT GO, which is very telling about what makes the two of these losers tick. Vicki rants about how she could care less about what Simon thinks of her and then cries all the way home (clearly exhibiting controlling and codependent behavior with overtones of anger and narcissism and just a smattering of obsessive compulsive disorder). Simon, rather than stay in the same room with Vicki, chooses to leave the party by storming down the stairs to go outside and sulk. (Clearly exhibiting passive/aggressive behavior with signs of deep insecurity and a healthy dose of psychotic grandiosity). I can't say anymore. If I pay any more attention to these two my brain will start melting out of my ears.

and last, but not least, Lynne ...

(Just imagine the sound of crickets cricking or air escaping from a balloon). Enough said.







and that's all I have to say about that.

Monday, February 1, 2010

BREAKING NEWS ... JERSEY SHORE GETS PICKED UP FOR SEASON TWO

The Jersey Shore just got renewed for another season (God help us) ... these morons are going to be making $10,000 per episode ... meanwhile .... I'm still unemployed.

So now, the big question is WHERE they want the series to take place next season. Mhmmmmm, let's see ... the show is called THE JERSEY SHORE .... so why don't you set it at ... THE JERSEY SHORE ... YOU MORONS. OY. Again, my answer to all these stupid reality shows, let's take it to THE HOOD.

I love to see a throw down between Clockstopper and Snookie.










or The Guidos versus The Homies


How come Bravo doesn't do a reality show in The Hood? You know, not everyone who lives there is a gang banging thug. There are lots of hardworking, decent people who live and work there. Why don't we watch a reality show that is actually ABOUT REALITY? The real struggles of real people? I KNOW, I KNOW ... no one cares about real people. They would rather see Snookie make out with a Guido and then do backflips across a dance floor in a nightclub without her underwear on. Ay. America ... I mourn for you.

In truth, I've only seen little snippets of this reality show and what little I did see ... I HAD to change the channel immediately because I knew that if I got sucked in for more than a few seconds I would have to stab myself in the head with a fork.

The Grammys

I haven't watched the Grammy Awards in a hundred years because, as some of you may or may not know, I don't consider a lot of this new stuff music, and also because: (a) don't know who anybody is and (2) I HATE rap. I have however, compiled a list of red carpet looks for critiquing. Enjoy ...
John Legend. WOW. Talk about an elegant man. I am loving this look. Pure class. Grade: A+


Lady Ga Ga. This gal is talented as all get out but she looks like Judy Jetson on crack.
The Jonas Brothers. The three of them seriously to cut their hair.

Snookie from The Jersey Shore. WTF. First of all, those bootie shoes aren't happening for her and she forgot to put on her spanks. Dress - bad, color - bad, overall look - BAD. Grade: F-
Britney Spears. AY. YI YI. It looks like she put on a pair of big girl panties and then made a dress out of her grandma's lace tablecloth. Grade: F-


I LOVE this girl. Carrie Underwoood. Great singer, and a lady to boot ... which we don't see much of these days. Very pretty girl in a beautiful dress. Grade: A+


The AMAZINGLY TALENTED Jennifer Hudson wearing a very fashion foward look by Victoria Beckham. However, what's with the bowl-cut? She looks like Moe from the Three Stooges.


Tomorrow is a very exciting day for me because the Oscar nominations are going to be announced. I'm hoping against hope that my boyfriend gets a nomination for "The Road" but I don't think it's likely. However, would like to put in a plug for Jeff Bridges, who I've always liked. Danny and I saw Crazy Heart yesterday and it was a really good flick. Jeff won the Golden Globe for best actor and is probably going to get an Oscar nod as well. Deservedly so, but I am STILL hopelessly and everlastingly devoted to my Viggo.

Until then, OVER AND OUT peeps.