WE ARE IN SUCH BIG TROUBLE ...

 

Dear Little Boy:

Get ready.  The dick of life hasn't even penetrated you yet and you're already crying.

If by hobbies you mean playing video games for hours and hours on end, NO.  You no longer have time to enjoy your hobby because it is time to be an ADULT.  To quote a very talented writer I know, 30 is now the new 10.  Never has this been truer.

Are you still living at home?  Where mom cooks for you, does your laundry, and pays your car insurance?  If so, it's time for both of you to be bitch slapped.  Mom,  because she raised a crybaby, and you, because you're a sissy la-la.  

First of all, you're too fucking young to want to die because you work 9 to 5.  When I was your age I worked 9 to 5, came home, did chores, and I had plenty of time for hobbies.  But then hobbies back when I was your age did not consist of sitting in front of a computer in my pajamas playing video games past midnight. 

We did things.  Like reading books, or going to movies, or hitting the club.  Basically going outside on a regular basis, unlike you, you pasty-faced loser.

My advice to you is to either get a spine and BE A MAN, or, pitch a tent in the nearest riverbed or under a freeway bridge and call it a day.  And refrain from getting onto tik-tok to bitch about your life.   

Signed,

Still working 9 to 5 at 65 ... DEAL WITH IT.

JEN AGAIN ...

 Per Vanity Fair ...

Jennifer Lopez says the wedding guest who "sold" the video from their ceremony "took advantage of our private moment."  And she is dead set on finding out which one of her wedding guests violated their NDA in order to turn a profit off private footage of her big day.

Jen ... you don't have PRIVATE moments.  The ONLY private moments you do not share with the rest of the world is when you're taking a dump or having sex (and I know you'd LOVE to film yourself and Ben or [insert name here] having sex with you) because you're that vain and think every woman wants to be you and every man wants to be with you.  

Here's a pic for you.

Just a typical J-lo performance with her backup bridesmaids and Ben, sitting in a chair.  

More shit I need to gripe about.  Here are her "private moments" in PEOPLE MAGAZINE.

I can't wait to see where these two are in seven years. 

J-LO and BEN ...

First of all ... 

Here she is ... The blushing Bride (p.s. she's FIFTY-THREE) 

Just for funsies, let's start from the VERY beginning.  

Ojani Noa - husband no. 1:

                     1997 - 1998                       

Husband No. 2

Chris Judd

                                   2001 - 2002 (nine months)

Almost Husband No. 3

Ben Affleck

                          Less than two years (2002 - 2004)
                                Broke up in January 2004

At the time Jennifer said this:  "Ben and I split up at the moment when I thought we were committing to each other forever, it was my first real heartbreak, it felt like my heart had been torn out of my chest."

    

(Her first real heartbreak?  No girl.  That is not a heartbreak.  A heartbreak is when you're curled up in a ball for six months!  Not REMARRIED bitch).                                  

Five months later (FIVE MONTHS!) she marries ....

Husband No. 3

Marc Anthony - Married June 2004

                        2004 - 2011 (and a set of twins) 7 years

OK.  Now we're up to 2022.

Wedding dress for wedding no. 1 (or 4 ... whichever, but whose counting):  

Vegas Wedding

So demure Jen.

Wedding dress for wedding No. 2 (or 5 but whose counting) ...

This blushing bride shit is so over the top.  As much as I loved being a bride I wouldn't want to do it six times!  

And another thing ... Jen?  A big white gown with a big white veil?  Really hun? 

And is it just me or do you guys see it too?  I see no chemistry between these two.  I really don't. 

And Jen, I know you're 53 and believe in love and all that shit, but let me show you the picture of an older bride (like you) except she was 39 at the time she married.   

Angelica Huston ... talk about class.  Tres Chic!

This is how you do it.  Understated, elegant ... not puffy with frou-frou and veils with blushers.  Jeez.  

Maybe next time you'll go the simple route.  Now let's see .... hmm ... who will be next??  Casper or Diddy?

                                                   

I'm gonna go with Casper.  By the time she and Ben divorce Casper should be old enough to grow a real moustache.

That's all ...

 

CANNES RED CARPET ...

OK ... this post is SOOOOOOOO LATE, but since I did not cover the Met Gala I thought I'd make it up to y'all by covering the Cannes Film Festival.  Keep in mind that this film festival goes on for a week so many of these celebrities are wearing a different gown for each screening ... so here goes!

Adriana Lima ...

 

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ... NO!  Grade:  FFF-MINUS MINUS MINUS!  What the hell were you thinking? 

... and yet again?  Yeah.  WE get it.  You're with child.  SMH.

  

Jennifer Connelley ...

She looks very chic.  No bling, hair pulled back, letting the dress say it all.  Grade:  B

Anne Hathaway ...

OK.  I can dig it.  Pretty gown, cool necklace.  Grade:  B

Eva Longoria ...

Beautiful gown, lose the choker and loosen up the hair.  Grade:  C (for bad hair choice) and wearing a choker.  It's not 1972.  

Elle Fanning ...

Very sweet, very 1950's prom queen.  Grade:  B

Jasmine Tooks ...

HOT HOT HOT!!!  Slammin'  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!  Grade:  A+

Alessandra Ambrosio ...

GUUUUUURL ... NO.  I don't even know what to say.  Those pasty things remind me of boulders and that skirt!  You're so beautiful but your look is not.  Grade:  F-

Julia Roberts aka The Princess of Hollywood ... 

You get an F because I hate you.

Kat Graham ...

Very beautiful but where are her arms?  Grade:  A- 

Julianne Moore ...

I love Julianne Moore!  Very beautiful, but the dropped waist adds weight to her middle don't you think?  Grade:  A

Bella Hadid ...

Exquisite!  Very beautiful and ethereal.  LOVE LOVE LOVE, WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!!!!  Grade:  A+

Eva Longoria ...

MUCH BETTER EVA!  PERFECTION!  My Latina sister nailed it!  Grade:  A+

Elle Fanning ...   

Again with the retro look.  Elle has a very 1930-1940's movie star look to her.  This dress completes that look.  Grade:  B-

Alessandra Ambrosio ...

Again, MUCH BETTER!  Very ethereal and elegant.  LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!  Grade:  A

Amber Heard ...    

WAIT!  ISN'T SHE IN TRIAL?????

Isabel Goulart ...

WoW!!!  PERFECTION!!!  Grade:  A+

Tilda Swinton ...

Baby Bird Tilda Swinton always takes a fashion risk.  I don't like this dress on her. It kinda looks like she bought it at Nordstrom Rack.  Grade:  D-

Sexy Rita Ora ...

Very sexy, not sure about the bedroom slipper shoes ... Grade:  A-

Idris Elba ...

YOWZA!!!  ... and then I die.  That's all.

Frida Aasen ...

Not feeling this colored foil fabric.  Grade:  F (for foil)

Sabina Jakubowicz ...

I LIKE IT!  Grade:  A   Very sexy and cutting edge.  Love it.

Blanca Blanco (you do know her name in English is White White) and she is wearing rosa ...

Mhmmmmm ... I don't like it.  Grade:  F-

Yseult ...

Grade:  A (cuz she scares me)  Check out that bag.

Aishwarya Rai Bachchan ...

This looks like something that should be gliding down Colorado Blvd in Pasadena on New Years day.  Grade:  F MINUS

BOB'S COMMENTS TO MY 2022 OSCAR REVIEW ....

My friend Bob over at "I Should Be Laughing" posted his HILARIOUS comments to my Oscar post.  HAD TO SHARE!  

Check out his blog too!  http://ishouldbelaughing.blogspot.com/

BobApril 01, 2022 5:55 AM

You know me, I did mine … but I will make a few comments.
Olivia shines. That’s all.
Lupita stuns.
Jessica Chastain looks like Superhero Ball Gown with Effing Ruffles.
That unknown girl? Meh.
H.E.R. Love. Color and style.
Kristen Stewart. Wash your hair. And het a new stylist.
Lily James. It’s cute and fragile and then she wears those clunky shoes.
Maggie, as I said, looks like she got cabinet hardware at Lowes and glued it to her dress.
Nicki Kidman. Love. I think she was paying homage to Lucy with the dress and the lip and I was there for it.
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau’s pants don’t fit; too tight and not in the right places.
Serena is an old lady dress.
Simu’s red tuxedo was gorgeous.
Timothée Chalamet “rocke’n’rolled” it.
Venus. No. Just no.
Wesley should have stayed home.
Zendaya. Yes, ma’am, this is it.
Zoe nailed Audrey.
Ariana DeBose looked cool calm and collected; love.
Penelope Cruz won me over this year.
Tracee did have the girls almost all the way out, and the dress looked better when she put on the wrap.
Hailey Bieber looks like the dress doesn’t fit, or it’s on sideways.
Zendaya. Damn. Damn. Damn, gurl.
Kristen looks bored, and she bores me. Stay home if you at least pretend to have fun; I mean, you’re an actress, or so you say, so act like you’re having fun.
Kim Kardastrophe can try as hard as she wants but she is never gonna make the “gloves match the dress” thing happen. It juts looks like she’s hiding a skin condition.
Ciara looks okay.
Ariana looks stunning and fun!
Dakota Johnson looks like she wants to be Cher but she used three times as much fabric.
Anya Taylor-Joy. No Joy.
Serena couldn’t look more uncomfortable.
Tessa Thompson. Shorts and Cowl Neck. Sashay, away.
Halsey. Forgot her pole.
Hailee Steinfeld. Cute, that’s all.
Billie. Stop already, your look is getting old.
Lourdes Leon, Why the long face? Cuz you know you’re only there because of your mama?
Kendall. Meh.
Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker. Morticia and Gomez.
Jessica should have worn this to the ceremony. It’s gorgeous.
Emily Gibberishkowski. Why is she there?
Olivia still shines.
Alexandra Daddario. Kinda harsh and severe.
Rota Oro no she bettah don’t.
Emilia Jones. How is she gonna tent the Christmas goose now that she used all the tin foil?
Diane Lane in a dress that makes her look like Diane Ten Miles of Hard Road.
Marlee. Much better than that dated red dress.
Maggie. It’s okay, but her style always seems too Try Hard.
Elsa Hosk. WHY GODDESS WHY??
That’s all!
Loved your coverage and loved that you left The Smiths out.

2022 OSCARS BEST AND WORST ...

Olivia Coleman.  AN ACTING MONSTER!!  If you haven't seen it, hurry and catch "The Lost Daughter."  Man what a movie.  Dakota Johnson was also in this film and also gave a great performance.  As for the gown, not my favorite of the evening, but she is so incredible I'm giving her an A. 

.Miss Lupita Nyong'o ALWAYS nails it.  I find her absolutely adorable.  Grade:  A

Jessica Chastain.  Glad she won for Tammy Faye, but I was so upset she did not get an Emmy nomination for "Scenes from a Marriage" -- she was PHENOMENAL in that role.  I LOVE this gown!  It goes with her coloring.  Absolutely beautiful.  Grade:  AAA+++  WINNER WINNER WINNER!

OK.  I'm old and I don't know who this is but I LOVE LOVE LOVE the gown.  She is perfection!  Grade:  AAA+++ WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!

H.E.R.  I don't like it.  It looks like it's not finished.  

Grade:  F

Kristin Stewart.  Mhmmm.  I guess you could consider this cutting edge.  Maybe at the Grammy's, but not the Oscars.  On second thought, after that slap, ANYTHING goes now.  Grade:  B-

Lily James, Cinderella herself looking very Cinderella-ish and very pretty in pink.  Grade:  A

UH.  This looks like an oversized piece of architecture with an actual door-knocker on the left sleeve.  Who in the world dressed you?  Grade:  D

Nicole Kidman.  JUST ONCE I'd like to see Nicole in a nude or pink lip.  I'm so done with this red.  CHANGE IT UP A LITTLE JEEZ!!  Dress:  Very 1950's.  Not loving the points at the breast.  Peplum is ok, I guess.  She kinda looks like a pencil.  Grade:  C-

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau.  He is kind of my new Viggo.  He's an incredible actor.  Not feeling this white tux though  P.S. If you want to see a REALLY good movie you need to rent "Shot Caller"  INCREDIBLE.  Nik gets an A for his gorgeous face and a D- for his funky tux.

So apparently, Serena is wearing a custom-made Gucci gown, but just between you and me it looks like she bought it off-the-rack at Charlotte Russe.  Just sayin'  Grade:  D-

Totally LOVED this red tux!  Grade:  AAA+++ WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!

ADORABLE Timothy Chalamet.  Grade:  A

The other Miss Williams.  I can't be certain, but I think she put this on backwards.  The tits were obviously out this year.  Grade:  D

Wesley Snipes is not looking well.  

Miss Zendaya!  Girl ALWAYS brings it!  This is a winner for sure!  Love the cropped shirt and the sequined skirt.  She is adorable!  Grade:  AAA+++ WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!

Zoe Kravitz once again channeling Audrey Hepburn.  Grade:  B+

Ariana Debose.  LOVED the pants!  BUT, the bra could have fit a lot better.  Grade:  A

Penelope Cruz - LOVE!

TITS ON PARADE:

a little slippage ...

and that's all she wrote folks.

UNTIL next year ... maybe.

ACTUALLY, I'm going to post some after party pics.  I'm sure you'll agree that lots of these stars should have worn their "after party frock" to the Oscars instead of what they wore.

Zendaya is the definition of COOL

Kristin should have worn this to the Awards show instead of those shorts.

An actual blue beluga whale!

MUCH BETTER.

WHAT tha fuck?  Norma Desmond goes cycling chic?

Still decided to go with a bag/gown.  Whatever.

Are you as tired of the Morticia locks as I am?  

Olivia should have worn this to the award show.  Not the silver.

Another instance where she should have worn this to the award show.

And here too.  Very chic.

And THAT'S all she wrote!