CANNES RED CARPET ....

I am only going to do the worst (and maybe a few of the best) ...

Catherine Zeta-Jones ...

I have been telling this broad for years to cut her freaking hair.    OMG woman, you've been wearing the same hairstyle for a hundred and fifty years!  Get a Bob, cut some layers, UPDATE!  My biggest pet peeve is women who never change their look.  This straight hair parted in the middle is not working for you.  It ages you and that is not good.  A good haircut can knock off ten years.  But whatever.  I'm giving you good advice.  You can choose to ignore me but it's going to be to your own detriment.

(and p.s. you look like a corpse).

NEXT ...

WHAT.  THE.  FUCK?  Did an alien ejaculate on her?

Don't you EVER stay home?

Daphne Guinness ... The Queen of cutting-edge chic!  

Eva, see Daphne Guinness above.  THAT is how you do cutting-edge chic.  Your look is lacking.

Juliette Binoche.  Uh ... I don't think a 1970's polyester leisure suit is appropriate for the Canne Film Festival, but hey .... do you.  

Uh ... is she wearing this or holding it?

Maya Hawke.  This is a disaster.  White go-go boots?

I don't know if she is brave or what, but I would never, EVER show my tiny little titties.  

Really, girlfriend?

(p.s. Ozempic face?)

I am SO not a fan of this bare-legs look.  First of all, if you're going to show your bare legs make sure they are BEAUTIFUL.  Second, self-tanner.  Third - a good pair of pantyhose would make all the difference.  

 Definitely not a slimming frock.

 Viola Davis ... EXQUISITE!

 Brie Larson ... definitely a Glamour don't.

And that's all folks!