CANNES RED CARPET ....

I am only going to do the worst (and maybe a few of the best) ...

Catherine Zeta-Jones ...

I have been telling this broad for years to cut her freaking hair.    OMG woman, you've been wearing the same hairstyle for a hundred and fifty years!  Get a Bob, cut some layers, UPDATE!  My biggest pet peeve is women who never change their look.  This straight hair parted in the middle is not working for you.  It ages you and that is not good.  A good haircut can knock off ten years.  But whatever.  I'm giving you good advice.  You can choose to ignore me but it's going to be to your own detriment.

(and p.s. you look like a corpse).

NEXT ...

WHAT.  THE.  FUCK?  Did an alien ejaculate on her?

Don't you EVER stay home?

Daphne Guinness ... The Queen of cutting-edge chic!  

Eva, see Daphne Guinness above.  THAT is how you do cutting-edge chic.  Your look is lacking.

Juliette Binoche.  Uh ... I don't think a 1970's polyester leisure suit is appropriate for the Canne Film Festival, but hey .... do you.  

Uh ... is she wearing this or holding it?

Maya Hawke.  This is a disaster.  White go-go boots?

I don't know if she is brave or what, but I would never, EVER show my tiny little titties.  

Really, girlfriend?

(p.s. Ozempic face?)

I am SO not a fan of this bare-legs look.  First of all, if you're going to show your bare legs make sure they are BEAUTIFUL.  Second, self-tanner.  Third - a good pair of pantyhose would make all the difference.  

 Definitely not a slimming frock.

 Viola Davis ... EXQUISITE!

 Brie Larson ... definitely a Glamour don't.

And that's all folks!

2023 Met Gala ...

 Now THIS is how you do it!  Idris Elba YOWZA!!!! and wife Sabrina.  Sexy, beautiful, and on point.  Grade:  A+

Adorable Jenny Ortega.  Young and hip.  Love it!  Grade:  A+

Pedro Pascal.  I know he's currently a sex symbol but not in this getup.  And P.S. You could have groomed your scraggly facial hair.  Grade:  D for DUMB.

Gigi Hadid.  Love it!  Beautiful and sexy.  Her hair, the pearls the sexy black hose!  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!! .  Grade:  A+

Cardi B doing Cardi B in a Barbie World.  Grade:  C - for best Cartoon.      

Marc Jacobs and Paris Hilton in leather.  Marc channeling Alfalfa with a beard.  Is it just me or does she look like she just had sex?  In other words, CHEAP.  

Here she is, Kim Kardashian dripping in faux pearls and diamonds.  Question:  IF you're going to swathe yourself in pearls why didn't you finish the look?  America does not want to see your Spanx.  Grade:  B- for bearing her undergarment.

Anne Hathaway.  Wasn't the theme an homage to Karl Lagerfeld?  If so, why is she wearing gold safety pins?  That was Gucci, wasn't it?  I do love the look, love the hair, love the makeup.  Is that a jacket she's holding?  Even though it's off-theme.  Grade:  A

Aubrey Plaza.  DAMN!!!   Love the black, love the white, love the gloves, love the hair, love the makeup, love everything.  Grade:  A+  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!

Elle Fanning.  Little Black Riding Hood.  Grade:  C

Yung Miami.  I don't even know what to say about this creation.

Tems.  This is amazing!  I swear to god I LOVE black and white!  So chic!  Grade:  A+

Madelyn Cline.  EXQUISITE!  PERFECTION!  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!  Grade:  A+

Olivia Rodrigo.  Perfection!  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!  Grade:  A+

Teyana Taylor.  Tres Chic!  Another WINNER!  Grade:  A+

Erykah Badu.  She's missing the entire Red Carpet!  

 

Very chic!  Grade:  A

Stella McCartney.  Love the legs, not the jacket.  Grade:  C-

Jennifer Lopez.  What can I say?  The bitch always brings it.

The hat is all wrong and I don't like seeing so much skin.    Grade:  B

Discuss amongst yourselves

Viola Davis and husband Julian.  Beautiful couple.

OMG!!!!!  BEAUTIFUL!  LOVE IT!  GORGEOUS!  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!

Very Chanel-ish.  Chic and on point.  Grade:  A

I would have loved this more if her dress was pink or white.  Boyfriend should be wearing a white shirt, NOT BLUE.  Grade:  C-

Cara Delevinge ... I'm kind of loving this.  Grade:  A

Janelle Monae.  No.

Kylie.  All that's missing is the headpiece.

Michelle Yeoh.  VERY ELEGANT!  Grade:  A

Kendall ... not feeling it.  Like the top, not the legs and boots.  She doesn't look finished.  Grade:  C

Mindy Kaling looks quite beautiful.  Grade:  A

WOW!  Very handsome!  Grade:  A  

Brooklyn Beckham and wife Nicole Peltz Beckham.  GORGEOUS COUPLE!  Love his suit, love her gown, very elegant and chic.  Grade:  A+

Gorgeous!!!

Florence Pugh.  Only a woman with a very beautiful face can pull off this buzz cut.  It looks amazing on her.  Not really feeling the gown and that head piece is a bit much.  Grade:  C

Cristina Ricci - LOVE!  WINNER WINNER WINNER!  Funky shoes though.  Grade:  A

Jared Leto.  And to think I used to be madly in love with him.  Ay yi yi.  He looks like Herod Antipas.

WTF????

YOWZA!  I want him.  

Vera Wang.  Vera needs to eat something.

Beautiful and feminine.  Grade:  A+

Beautiful Salma.  What's with the plastic??  Lose the pearls and I'll give you a B-

Naomi.

Margaret Qualley.  

1.  If you're going to show your legs make sure they're pretty. 

2.  If they're not pretty, please get a spray tan.

Emily Blunt.  In my book she does no wrong.  This is perfection!  Grade:  AAA WINNER WINNER WINNER

 

TALK ABOUT GREAT TITS.

The Ice Queen and Bill Nighy looking mighty dapper.

I guess it's okay if you want to look like a lamp.

Awww .... look.  She made it all by herself.

Tres Chic!

Emily Ratlady ... I'm shocked!  No nipples?  No ladyparts?  I almost didn't recognize her.

Dua Lipa.  PERFECTION!  Grade:  A!

Penelope Cruz.  Nailed it!

OMG MY EYES MY EYES!!!

Well folks, there were so many beautiful people and beautiful gowns that I may have to continue this tomorrow.  Let me know your thoughts!

Until then ...

SMOOCHES!