I DON'T LIKE MOTHER'S DAY ...

I don't have my mom anymore and that is the main reason, but that is not the only reason.  You see, I am not a mother.  Not a "real" mother.  I am a stepmother and that's kind of a mother, but not really.  Not like a real mother.  I feel strange when people wish me a happy mother's day.  I do.  I feel that I do not deserve that salutation.  Not in a bad way, but more like being wished a happy birthday when it's not your birthday kind of undeserving. 

I think with all the blended families in the world there should be a Step-parent day.  Happy Stepfather's Day and Happy Stepmother's Day.  Then, when someone wished me "Happy Stepmother's Day" I would feel happy and willing to accept that.  Because really, being a step-parent is not an easy thing.  It gets easier with time and love and years and ups and downs, and you do, eventually, become a family.  And after you've been through all that you should be wished a Happy Stepmother's Day.  And I do love my girls.  I really do. 

I too, have stayed up nights with stepdaughter no. 2 when she was sick and we had to run to the emergency in the middle of the night.  When she was in and out of the hospital.  When she had her  kidney transplant.  I have worried about daughter no. 1 when she first started driving and prayed for her safety everytime she got into the car.  When she moved in with us she was an absolute slob and it drove me crazy ... but then she moved out and I missed her.  Now she has a beautiful baby boy who I am totally in love with him and I absolutely feel like a grandma.  I love him so much and I often feel like my stepdaughter had MY baby.  

We have built a lot of memories, this weird little family of ours.  And it IS a family.  Now.  But I don't think I'll ever "like" Mother's Day ... because I still miss my own mother so much.  It's been ten years and I wish I could call her up, have lunch with her and go shopping one more time.  I don't think I will ever EVER stop missing her.  She drove me crazy lots of times and I'm sure I did the same.  But she was my mother.  And I miss her very much. 

So, everyone who still has their mother be especially grateful.  You are VERY lucky.  Especially if you are older.  I lost my mom when I was 48 and I felt like I was five.  I couldn't believe she was gone.  I couldn't believe that I'd never see her again ... at least not in this lifetime.  I dream about her sometimes and I'm usually mad at her ... for leaving us, I guess.  And then I feel guilty. 

My mother's death affected me in ways I never expected.  It was a very surreal experience.  I kept wondering ... where did she go?  Is she ok?  Just poof ... gone.  I couldn't make sense of it even though I believe in God and an afterlife.  There was no comfort in that because she wasn't here ... where I could see her, and touch her.  It really made me question my faith ... a lifetime of belief that suddenly could not stand up to so great a loss.    

I still talk to her.  Tell her what's happening in our lives.  And I like to believe she can hear me.  I think she can.  Because love never dies ... so mom ...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

I will love you forever mommy.