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JUST A WHOLE MISH-MASH OF STUFF ...

So I read this headline today:

Woman Swallows Tapeworm To Lose Weight; Tells Doctor She Bought It On The Internet
 
I would totally do this.  I once read that opera diva Maria Callas lost a ton of weight because she'd been lucky enough to get a tapeworm.  Why don't things like that ever happen to me?  
 
Things that happen to me: 
 
  1. Am prescribed Ambien due to chronic insomnia due to layoff and ensuing depression.
  2. Experience side effects - Nocturnal eating. 
  3. Gain 30 lbs while eating like a fat pig at night unbeknownst to myself.
So I start wondering .... just how much would it cost to buy a tapeworm?
 
I quickly Google ....
 
Purchase Live Tapeworm Eggs!
tapeworm
LOOSE WEIGHT EASILY
PLAY PRETTY GOOD JOKE ON FRIENDS
MAKE SCIENTIFIC PROJECT OR MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS
 All eggs guaranteed and fresh.  Collected at Владивосток Vladivostok Soviet prison camp in one liter slurry of liquid human excrement.  Mature tapeworm grows to up to 10 metres.
Please allow 12 weeks for delivery.  Use promptly on arrival by applying to salad or uncooked food.  Do not refrigerate.  Contact Col. Dimiti Pushkin for delivery.  Please to accept cash only Euros or American Dollars.  No returns.
Euros -- e 24.50
Dollars -- $ 34.25
Click below to check out:
 
:button
eggpackage
 
Can you freaking believe this!  And they're only $34.25!!! 
 
BEFORE

Maria (pre-tapeworm)

AFTER ... Maria (post tapeworm)





































NEXT ...
 
 
Heidi Klum. 
Posing naked AGAIN.  (eyes rolling)  ... girlfriend, you seriously gotta stop this shit.  It's getting a tad ridiculous now.
 
 
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY. 
 
Fact:  People who use excessive amounts of Botox should NEVER laugh or cry. 
 
 
 
 
 
 Another woman who refuses to accept the natural aging process.  Christie-fucken-Brinkley ... posing with her sexy twenty something daughter Alexa.
 
 
Christy ... I can totally see you sucking it in.  And so can everyone else.
 
 
AND NOW ... the trashiest white woman on earth (drum roll) ....
 

  
 
Pregnant .... with TWINS.  (Why God, why) 
 
Proud mother of six ... smoking while pregnant.  Lovely.
 

Comments

  1. please hedi, don't stop!
    and 30 meters of tapeworm is over 30 feet long!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ray, Heidi seriously needs to stop. Either that, or just do Playboy.

      Delete
  2. I love a bawling Botox face! Makes me laugh so hard!
    If I looked like Heidi Klum, I'd be naked 24/7.
    Having a tapeworm would give you an itchy bum. My dog had one once.

    (OMG I can finally comment from my iPad!!!!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess if I looked like Heidi I'd be naked 24/7 too. THAT IS WHY I HATE HER. As for the tapeworm ... I'd scratch if I'd lose. Really. I would.

      Delete
  3. First off: the new Viggo at the top. YUM.

    Tapeworms? Ick.

    Gretchen looks like she's wearing one of those clear plastic face masks.

    Kim K looks like she swallowed a rat.

    Heidi? Think of the children, YOUR children. Do they need to see you Klumgina or KlumTits every time they open a magazine?

    Christie Brinkley has had TONS done but she started so young that the results aren't so obvious. Plus, she's as dumb as a box of rocks.

    Kim Z. Go.Away.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes he is yummy isn't he ... and he's MINE! ALL MINE! I hate Heidi and I hate Christie and I don't know when Christie started tweaking but it's incredible how good she looks. Kim Z ... white trash with money. Oy. This will make SIX KIDS. SIX!
      Love you Bob

      Delete

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