THOSE USELESS O.C. HOUSEWIVES AND OTHER USELESS CRAP LIKE KIM KARDASHIAN BUT SOME GOOD STUFF TOO ...

Last week on the Orange County Housewives we watched Vicki cry to Tamara about her marriage falling apart and wondering how she ended up in yet another unhappy marriage ... and how all she wants "is to be touched ... to get a hug at the end of the day" WAH WAH WAH. Well, first of all you have to BE HOME in order to get the hug you freaking maniac. YOU'RE ALWAYS WORKING!! And, as it tuns out, Miss Piggy already has a new boyfriend. Amazing. If my marriage ended six months ago I'd still be curled up in a ball crying ... not on to my next husband. But that's just me. These pathetic, insecure women cannot be alone for even two seconds! It's mind boggling to me ... but then, I'M NOT A NARCISSIST. I don't need the constant mirroring of adoration in order to get my narcissistic supply ... I take meds for that.

It's interesting how things work in the fantasy world of reality T.V. You got your Mob Wives, your Housewives, your Basketball Wives, etc., etc., etc., a whole cornucopia of attention whores obsessed with image and having a rich and famous husband who will provide them with the lifestyle they aspire to (without having to work for it) ... why only last week the world learned that the beautiful, sexy Kimmie Kardashian got engaged! (Not that she needs a rich and famous husband because she's rolling in dough herself thanks to her sex tape and getting naked for Playboy) and Hollywood is all a-twitter with the news of her engagement. OMG! HOW EXCITING! DID YOU SEE HER $2 MILLION DOLLAR RING! IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL! BLAH BLAH BLAH AND HALLA-FUCKIN-LOOYA! Except Kimmie my love, you obviously do not read my blog or you'd realize that you are engaged to A PUPPY. His 26 years to your 30 is ... well, let's just say I don't think you're gonna make it down the aisle ...[and I'm willing to bet money on this] barring of course, if you've already gotten yourself knocked up ... accidentally on purpose] ...

Ok. Time to get serious girls. I'm addressing all you ladies who are single and pushing 30 or 35 or 39. In life ... sometimes you are forced to be alone. The circumstances may differ from one gal to another, but the point is that when you happen to find yourself alone and in a dark place ... SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO STAY THERE FOR A WHILE because it is there that you will find out who you are. When you're down and forced to look inward you WILL FIND WHAT YOU NEED TO FIND ... WITHIN YOU. I promise. I find it utterly bewildering that in the year 2011 women would still rather die than be alone ... even for a little while. The wisdom, insight and strength you gain when you come out the other end of a dark tunnel makes you a better, stronger woman who is able to move through the world with confidence. The kind of confidence that can only be obtained when you face your fears.

KNOW YOUR WORTH. Do not impede growth out of fear. And never, EVER believe that you are nothing without a man. That attitude will get you stuck in the '"fear trap" and keep you there, hostage, always waiting to be "rescued" so that you don't have to be a person. So take heed ... Don't put time limits on your life. Don't fret about being 35 and unmarried. Don't worry about whether or not you will ever be a mother. Let your life unfold naturally and allow life's lessons to teach you its secrets. PAY ATTENTION and ALWAYS, ALWAYS trust your God given intuition. It WILL NEVER, EVER steer you wrong.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY ... DO NOT LOOK UP TO WOMEN LIKE KIM KARDASHIAN OR THE HOUSEWIVES OR THOSE JERSEY SHORE MORONS. THEY'RE ALL IDIOTS.

And that's all I have to say about that.

THE HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY ARE BAAAAAACK!

OK ... usually you have to wait until the end of the season for a big assed cat fight but not with the gals from New Jersey. (It kind of reminded me of my cousin's wedding in 1972 ... ) with that said let me set it up for you. Theresa's brother Joe hates Theresa's husband Joe. Theresa's husband Joe hates Theresa's brother Joe (can you say TOO MANY JOE'S???) Theresa hates her brother's wife Melissa and Melissa hate's Theresa. Melissa's sister Lysa hates Theresa and Theresa hates her back. Finally, Theresa and her brother hate each other. It's a virtual fuckfest of hatred. That's all. I gotta go load my revolver now ...

THE "FROM VENTING TO VIGGO" DOUCHE AWARDS

WOMEN NEED TO RUN THE WORLD DAMMIT!!!!

Case in point ... DOMINIQUE STRAUSS-KAHN (the dickwad above)

FACT: A woman would never, EVER jump out of a hotel bathroom stark naked and demand a man perform oral sex on her. We only do that in fantasies. Powerful men of the world need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and own the fact that they are IDIOTS (a stupid person with the mental age below three years who just discovered his pee-pee).

DOUCHE AWARD NO. 1 GOES TO DOMINIQUE STRAUSS-KAHN. Front-runner for the Presidency of France and A RAPIST. (AHHHHH, I love when the mighty fall).


DOUCHE AWARD NO. 2 GOES TO:
AHNOLD (aka The Sperminator). WHAT A DOUCHE!

It has always, ALWAYS amazed me when grown women get knocked up (accidentally on purpose) AND when a gown man with so much to lose does NOT PUT ON A F*&#ing RAINCOAT! AMAZING.

And last but not least, ...

DOUCHE AWARD NO. 3 GOES TO THE DONALD ... JUST FOR BEING A TURD.

(I KNEW you weren't going to run for president you IDIOT. Yanking everyone's chain until you found out the stupid Apprentice would be renewed for another season.) UGH.

Thhhhhat's all folks. Anymore and I'd have to put a bullet in my brain.

POLITICS ... UGH

The republicans are all up in arms about the Osama Bin Laden "assassination" ... it wasn't legal, it violates international law, we need a picture ... blah blah blah. If George W were the president right now and Bin Laden was killed they'd be having multiple orgasms all over each other. My point? YOU CAN'T EVER WIN when it comes to irrational wing nuts. PERIOD. END OF STORY.

AND, it seems that Pakistan was harboring Osama all along ...
PAKISTAN! YOU'VE GOT SOME ESPLAININ TO DOOOOOOOOO!