Sunday, February 22, 2015


Let's begin with our hosts.

Giuliana Rancic - looked absolutely ravishing for a cadaver.  Where did she get this thing?  At the mall?  It looks very 1980's to me, tacky, tacky, tacky with way too much going on ... ruffles and netting and applique and a belt and sparkles.  Jeez I'm getting nauseated.  Grade:  F-
Kelly Osbourne

Kelly Osbourne and her lavender hair are getting really old, but I loved her gown!  It harkened back to the 1950's, very Ava Gardner.  Beautiful black lace sleeves with a boatneck neckline and I LOVED the folds of the skirt.  I usually don't go for the short/long hemline but on this particular gown it worked.  The gown gets an "A" but her hair gets an "F" giving Kelly a solid "C".  I also think she should stop using that maroon colored red lipstick.  Ick.  But because I love the dress so much I'm going to be generous and give Kelly a B+
Patricia Arquette in black and white looking quite beautiful.  I've always said you can never go wrong with black and white.  However, if the dress were strapless without that shoulder side thing it would have looked amazing.  Her hair was basically a mess.  It looks as though she pinned it up last minute haphazard and it shows.  She also could have used a little more bling.  A pair of chandelier earrings would have made the outfit a lot more Oscar worthy.  Grade:  C
Anna Kendrick ...

Anna Kendrick in a beautiful salmon colored gown with a diamond collar.  Very pretty.  However, Anna has no upper lip and I think investing in a little Juvaderm on that top lip would make a great improvement.  Other than that ...  Grade:  B+

Cate Blanchett ...

This woman can do no wrong in my eyes.  I love this simple, elegant black gown with the turquoise statement necklace.  Love it.  Grade:  A
Julianne Moore ...

Julianne Moore.  This gown was beautiful and she looked beautiful in it.  Her makeup and hair -- perfection!  She is SO BEAUTIFUL.  Grade:  A+

Kerry Washington ...

Where the hell did she get this?  David's Bridal?  Cheap-o. 
Grade:  F-

Emma Stone ...

Gorge!  Not many people can wear this chartreuse color but Emma pulls it off beautifully.  Her hair and makeup -- perfection.  Nothing more to add to this ... Grade:  A+ WINNER WINNER WINNER!!

Melanie Griffith and Dakota Johnson ...

Dakota looks very pretty in red with silver embellishment on the arm.  Love her pony ... she looks young and fresh, very sweet.  Melanie is the same size as Dakota (bitch) and looks like a vampire with blonde hair.  Actually, Melanie looks pretty damn good.  I'm giving both of them the same Grade:  A.

Jennifer Lopez ...

What can I say ... the bitch always brings it.  Looks fabulous - Grade:  A

Rosamund Pike ...

PERFECTION!  This woman is the epitome of feminine elegance.  There is something so ethereal and beautiful about her.  Gorgeous in red!  Grade:  A+  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!!

Lady Gaga ...

She looks like a nun from the future.  All that's missing is the veil and crucifix. 

Grade:  F
and p.s. can the girl sing or what?!  That tribute to Julie Andrews and Sound of Music was amazing.  Did you hear that Madonna?

Gwyneth Paltrow ...

Much as I hate to, I have to say that she looks really pretty.  I like the dress, even that flower on the shoulder and I love that shade of pink (she's been wearing lots of pink lately but at least this isn't that Pepto Bismol pink)
Grade:  A+

You know, I just want to say that almost everyone looked really good and it's was kind of hard to find someone to pick on but I did my best.

Here we have Blanca Blanco (yeah ... her name in English is White White) ...

The dress looks as though it was constructed of paper mache.  Grade:  F-
Faith Hill ...
She looks quite beautiful.  Love the gown and her diamond necklace.  Not really feeling her shorter hair ... mainly because she has those kind of ears that stick out.  Ears that stick out are never attractive.  She should consider getting those things pinned back.  Just sayin'.  Grade:  A
Christy Tiegren ...

This is a beautiful gown but that slit is WAY too high.  You can almost see her cooch.  And another thing, I do not find this girl pretty at all.  I know she's a model and all, but I find her face is too round and her cheekbones are gigantic.  Grade:  B-
Margot Robbie ...
GORGEOUS!!! OMG this for me was the best dress of the evening.  KILLER!  The girl is beautiful, her makeup is perfection, hair - perfection and that necklace is incredible.  Grade:  A+++ WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!
Marion Cotillard ...


I loved this gown.  I loved the bunting and black strip in the back, her hair and makeup was yes ... perfection.  Grade:  A+++ 

I don't know who this gal is but she looks like Tilda Swinton, Jr.  I put her here because I wanted you all to see her shoes.  They look like they're melting.  I'll give her an A for weirdness. 

Oprah Winfrey ...

This photo alone proves the magic of a well made dress.  Oprah is a big woman and the right designer can make anyone look incredibly elegant EVEN WITH BELT!  Gotta say that Oprah looks fab.  Grade:  A
Felicity Huffman ...

This dress was ok.  I liked it.  I especially Loved the color but wasn't feeling the bows at the hips.  It almost looked like a wedding dress from the 1980's.  However, she looked very pretty.  Grade:  B+
I don't know who this girl is but I loved this gown.  Beautiful. 

 Reese Witherspoon ...

Reese needs to pull it together or hire another stylist.  Why you ask?  THIS is why ...

Reese wore this in 2013

And this one in 2011

They're all basically the SAME DRESS.  WHAT'S WITH THE STRIPES???

Naomie Watts ...

I don't know.  The fabric is basically a brick wall in black and silver and hen she has a tube top underneath????  What do you all think?

Loreli Linklater ...

There's a lot going on here.  And couldn't she have done something with her hair?  Forgive me, but she kind of reminds me of the whorry girl you knew in high school cir. 1970.  Grade:  C+

Sienna Miller ....

I think Sienna Miller is so beautiful.  I loved this dress - very Audrey Hepburn.  Not a lot of bling but I still think she looked elegant.  Grade:  B+

Zoe Saldana ...

WOW... Zoe looked quite sexy and womanly.  After giving birth to twins she's much curvier and luscious.  I loved her gown and thought she looked really beautiful.  Grade:  A
Lupita Nyong'o ...
At first I loved it, but then I wasn't sure.  It had TONS of pearls and looked beautiful against her skin.  I don't know ... still undecided.  She is incredibly chic and almost always owns the Red Carpet.  I'm going to give her a B.  What do you think?

Scarlett Johanssen ...

The hair was terrible, the necklace was terrible but the dress was quite beautiful, even though I hate that shade of green.  She should have scrapped the necklace and done something with her hair.  Grade:  D-
p.s.  Girls, look at the tat on her arm.  TACKY.  DO NOT GET INK.  It makes a beautiful woman look cheap.  
Well ladies and germs ... that's it for 2015.  I must say that I was terribly disappointed that Michael Keaton did not win for Best Actor.  Maybe next time.
Until next year .... SMOOCHES!


For more hysterically funny comments go to my fellow blogger's website.

Friday, February 13, 2015


So ... week number two (or three, hell I don't know) ... I get home from work, late as usual.  Because I'm dieting I decide "I know ... I'll have a bowl of cereal for dinner!" (insert happy face).  I had a big salad for lunch and I wasn't terribly hungry so I figured cereal would work.  Danny was already home from the gym (he can do this you see, because he has a wife who cooks and cleans and removes the oily urine stains from the toilet bowl) and I don't have a wife so I have to fit MY workouts in between laundry, cooking, cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, shopping, etc., et al. my life my life, omg my life.  I go upstairs to take a shower because I'm beat.

After my relaxing shower I descend the stairs, looking forward to my bowl of cereal.  As I'm almost all the way down I see Dan.  He sees me.  And at the same exact moment our eyes lock, faster than a bat outta hell he throws the cereal box on the floor between the sofa and the coffee table, hoping against hope that I have not seen him THROWING MY CEREAL BOX ON THE FLOOR.   He looks at me.  Mouth mid-chew.  He doesn't move.  Like a bird caught in the cross-hairs of a cats menacing stare.  He is STILL.  QUIET.  LOOKING AT ME.  Waiting.  I look at him.  Eyes narrowed.  Time stands still.  A minute passes.  Then ...

Dan:  "What?" (crunch).

Wednesday, February 11, 2015


OK.  This asshole right here.  Seriously needs to be bitch slapped.  I can't quite figure him out.  He's totally in love with Beyoncé but in a really creepy way.  As for this award season, if it were up to Kanye Beyoncé would win every single one including Best Actor in a Supporting Role.  Personally, though I think Beyoncé is a beautiful woman, I don't like her music or the way she sings so I can't understand why Kanye thinks she shits ice cream.  But whatever.  I'm just a baby-boomer who grew up in the 1970's when music was MUSIC. 

As for dissing artists because the artists that are winning the awards AREN'T TRUE ARTISTS, since when, Mr. West, are you the arbiter of who is an artist and who is not?  Personally, I have no idea why people call you a genius.  To me you're an asshole.  You're rude, loud, ignorant, conceited, and stupid all at the same time.  And FYI, you really should take another look at the footage when you're mouthing off about artists and the Grammy's and saying  that "Beck needs to respect artistry and he should have given his award to Beyonce" and take a look at your old lady who was clearly dying of embarrassment.  I actually felt bad for her until someone handed her a mirror and she forgot all about what you were saying. 
Look at the look on her face ... like she wants to hide under a rock.  YOU married him you idiot.

AS FOR BECK ... he can play the following instruments:  guitar, keyboards, bass, drums, harmonica, percussion, sitar, banjo, slide guitar, twelve-string guitar, glockenspiel, vocoder, kalimba, melodica.  And he can sing. 

WHAT INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY Kanye?  Other than your pee-pee?

Kanye ... you need to be bitch slapped.  Twice.

Thursday, February 5, 2015


This little shit right here ...

Conrad Hilton (Paris Hilton's little brother) was arrested for acting like a spoiled brat on a flight from London to L.A.

According to witnesses, Conrad was heard yelling the following pearls during his meltdown:

"If you wanna square up to me bro, then bring it and I will fucking fight you"

"I am going to fucking kill you."

"I will fucking own anyone on this flight, they are fucking peasants."

"I told all of them I could get all of their jobs taken away in less than 30 seconds."  

"I could get you all fired in 5 minutes. I know your boss! My father will pay this out. He has done it before. Dad paid $300k last time."

His attorney, Robert Shapiro said that Conrad had taken a sleeping pill and wasn't himself.  I don't know about you, but when I take a sleeping pill I SLEEP.  I don't go shooting my mouth off and punching airplane bulkheads

This is what you need to do with a little asshole like this.  You drop his ass right in the middle of South Central.  SERIOUSLY.  Leave him on the corner of Crenshaw and Slauson and say "OK ... be a bad ass."  In fact, I should pitch this idea for a new reality show.  It would be similar to The Amazing Race where contestants were dropped somewhere in the world with no money and few resources and they had to find their way back home ... except in my reality show you would take an arrogant little bastard like Conrad Hilton and drop him in the middle of hard core gang territory (cuz you knows they's all wanna be gangsters) leave him there with no money, no cell phone, no nothing and then make him find his way back to Beverly Hills without getting shanked, shot or beaten to a pulp.  I'd pay to see that.  

Good Job Mr. and Mrs. Hilton ... Good Job. You raised a colossal douche bag. 

NEXT ...

King of the Douchebags, Lance Armstrong tries to pin the blame on his girlfriend for driving drunk and hitting two parked cars after a night of partying.  What a DICK!  I can't tell you how much I wish I could punch this asshole right in the face.  If any of you saw the documentary on his cheating/doping scandal I'm sure you'll agree that he is one disgusting human being.  A bully and an arrogant one at that.  And honey, you need to get a spine and walk away from that lying, gutless loser. 

Any hope of his ever owning up and actually becoming a man is gone.  But what else do you expect from a man with one testicle.  Why oh why do these rich, spoiled people get away with their terrible behavior?  I can tell you one thing, if he had a dad like mine, superstar or not, he'd have gotten an ass whipping and a verbal beat down for being a pussy!  Yeah I said it.  After a lecture from my dad he would have walked away with his tail between his legs and his remaining testicle shriveled up like a walnut.  

But he didn't have my dad for a father which is too bad for him.  Sadly, he had a single mother who probably struggled to raise him as a decent human being and somewhere, somehow, Lance turned into a narcissist.  Perhaps she indulged him too much.  Told him he was a winner too many times and now it's too late to make a man out of him.  Whatever the case may be, his behavior is beyond shameful.  I mean seriously Dude?  Blaming your GIRLFRIEND for your drunken driving accident?  You really are a pussy.

Until next time ...

Sunday, February 1, 2015


SO, in an effort to keep my promise to myself to be good to myself I have begun exercising and eating very VERY good.  My co-worker, a 26 year old attorney who is also a brick house of a girl is my very own personal trainer and trust me ... SHE'S GOOD.  So, after telling her that I have been going to the gym and doing half an hour on the treadmill and half an hour on the elliptical she rolls her eyes. 

"WHAT?" I say.

Trainer:  "I'd kill myself if I had to do an hour of cardio.  It's okay but it's not VERY EFFECTIVE."

Me:  "So ... what should I be doing?"

Trainer:  "I'll give you a program."

She begins writing exercises down on a piece of paper.  Squats, lunges with the use of weights, burpees, jumping jacks, and mountain climbers.  She gives me time and reps and does the exercise for me, then makes me do them so she can be sure I am doing them correctly. 

So I get home that night.  I change into my workout clothes and I do the exercises.  I made it to two reps but could not continue because my thighs were so wobbly I couldn't go on.  I felt guilty I didn't do three sets but honestly ... I couldn't.  I'm old.  I'm not saying I could never do it, I'm just saying I need time to warm up to it and build my endurance up.  I'M COMMITTED.

The next morning I woke up feeling sore.  But when I went DOWNSTAIRS to make my coffee I thought MOTHER OF GOD My thighs!!!!  My Thighs!!!  

When I got to work I report to her and tell her what I did and how I felt.  Surprisingly, she gave me high fives and props and stated that she was very proud of me (blush).  She then instructed me to make sure I walked or did the treadmill so that my muscles will loosen up a bit.

That night after work my plan was to hit the gym and do exactly what she said.  That was until DUM DUM DUM .... the HELL part ...

I work in the "Big City" and because of that there is always something going on downtown.  Today there was "a suspicious package" near Pershing Square.  ALL TRAFFIC WAS STOPPED.  NO CARS and POLICE EVERYWHERE .  I have a bus to catch at Pershing Square where ALL THE EXCITEMENT IS.  This means that (a) I am NOT getting home tonight or (b) I will be getting home VERY LATE.  But, as it turned out, by the time I left the office everything was back to normal, traffic was running as usual and all the buses were on time ... ALL EXCEPT MINE.  THE MONTEBELLO BUS LINE (YES I'M NAMING THEM).  Not ONE fucken bus came!  Not the Express line (which is the line I take) nor the 40 which is the bus the gente ride and which stops eight hundred and fifty times before it gets to my destination.  My bus mate Corina and I are waiting, waiting, waiting and finally we realize that this fucken bus isn't going to show up.  So Corina spots a guy that rides our bus and tells me "go ask him if he's seen the 40?"  So I go up to him ..."excuse me, have you seen the 40?"  He said "No.  No 40 at all." 

The Guy:  "Tell you what" he says "let's take the subway to Union Station, we can take the Gold Line to East L.A. and then catch the 40.  My car is parked at the Civic Center in Montebello and when we get there I'll give you girls a ride to your cars." 

Me:  "Sounds good to me" I say so off we go.

Now, the Pershing Square subway station isn't bad if you're leaving with all the working folk at 5 pm.  If you're leaving at 7:30 pm at night that is when all the crazies and crack heads come out.  Thank God we had a big tall man with us.  We walk to the subway, take the escalator all the way down, and then Corina attempts to buy a ticket.  She is unsuccessful and all the while she is trying to by a ticket a crazy man is taunting her and lecturing her about crazy people stealing money and then he has the nerve to ask her for a dollar.  I tell her to forget the ticket, we'll get her into the subway.  Like in the movies, we sneak her past the guardrails and off we go.  Our train arrived immediately and we got on.  We got  to Union Station a few minutes later and made our way to the departing tunnels.  As fate would have it, and considering that my thighs are in excruciating pain, the Gold Line is up a flight of FORTY STAIRS, NO ESCALATOR, MY THIGHS, MY THIGHS, OH MY GOD MY THIGHS.  We got onto the Gold Line.  About 15 minutes later we arrived at Atlantic Blvd.  We now we have to walk a block to the bus stop to catch the 40.  By this time Corina is getting  antsy.  She decides to call her sister to pick us up.  We are now in a race to see who arrives first, her sister or the bus.  The bus got there first.  The guy and I get on the bus and leave Corina to wait for her sister.  I tried to convince her to come with us but she was adamant.  As I take a seat I see that Corina's sister has arrived and Corina is getting in her car.  I feel better.  At least I know she is safe and will not be getting kidnapped and chopped up into tiny little pieces.  It is now another five to seven minutes to the Civic Center.  The bus stops and the guy and I walk to his car.  He drives me to my car and it is now 8 pm.  I feel like I've been traversing the entire City of Los Angeles for three hours.  NOT TO MENTION MY ACHING THIGHS that are killing me with each step .   

Exhausted and starving I call Danny and tell him what is going on.  I ask him "Is there any food at home?"  "No" he says "But I'll go get something."  THANK GOD I say to myself.  When I finally get to my car it is little after 8:00 pm. 

I get to the gate of my complex and I've lost my remote so I have to get OUT OF THE CAR, go over to the key pad (my thighs remember) and punch in the super secret number that the association DOESN'T LET ANYONE HAVE and then the gate opens and I have to run back to my car WITH MY ACHING THIGHS.  FINALLY, FINALLY, I am walking through the door.  I am hungry and exhausted.  I kiss my husband and I say "Did you get food?"  You know what he says?  Are you ready? ....

"I was waiting for you to get here first." 

What I learned tonight:

1.  Disasters will ALWAYS ALWAYS happen on a Friday night;
2.  ALWAYS ALWAYS get your own food; and
3.  THANK GOD you don't have to utilize public transportation like the poor
     people who don't have cars.