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Monday, September 23, 2013

2013 EMMY AWARDS BEST AND WORST ...

So let's get to it shall we?

Giuliana Rancic - love the dress, love the hair, gain some weight JEEZ!  Did you see her shoulder blades?  She got on that 360 camera and her shoulder blades were sticking out LITERALLY LIKE WINGS!  This girl is unbelievably anorexic and someone needs to get her to a doctor like RIGHT AWAY.  She is WAY, WAY too thin.  Grade:  C+


FYI ... This is Giuliana's diet.

Giuliana's  (ridiculous) Diet:4:35am: "Yerba Mate" tea
(that counts as her "pre-workout energy booster")

6:30am: Water with cayenne pepper and lemon
             Followed by green tea
             Followed by a bottle of "
GT's Kombucha
"- "it totally helps with hunger cravings"- Giuliana
(post-workout snack)

Now, any personal trainer will tell you that before working out, your body needs some carbs to burn. Even if its just a couple of spoons of Oats. It gives your body something to kick start its "fat burning mode". After working out, your body needs some protein to keep it going, helping your muscles to build, instead of being burnt up by all that exercise. Even if it is a low-carb protein drink. Your body needs it.

7:15am: ORGANIC Grapefruit
             Followed by an egg white omlet, no cheese, green veg only
             "And I ALWAYS say NO BUTTER, NO OIL...instead tell them to cook it in a light mist of Pam cooking spray. Tell them your allergic to butter so that they don't slip it in there like a lot of places do. If they don't have Pam spray, then tell them to use just a DROP or two of Oil!!!" -Giuliana 

(a drop or two?  Why put any oil at all?  You're nuts Giuliana) 

No wonder she couldn't get pregnant.  This girl is STARVING!


NEXT ...

Heidi Klum.  I'm surprised she wore clothes.  Lately she's been on a mission to photograph herself naked here, there and everywhere.  As for this (cough cough) gown ... All I'll say is ... all that is missing are the red satin devil horns.  Grade:  F- 
p.s.  I can't stand Heidi.  I wish she would GET LOST.

 
Padma Lakshmi.  I don't like this chick.  Don't really know why, I just don't.  BUT, she does look amazing.  This is beautiful, sleek, modern.  Grade:  A.
 
 
 
Tina Fey.  Tina never quite nails it for me.  Always too simple.  Hair - blah, dress - blah, jewels - blah.  Overall grade - BLAH.  C-
 
I wish she'd take a risk.  Jazz up the hair, do something wild and sexy.  She always looks much too tame.  


OK.  To me Ireland Baldwin is almost pretty.  Her mother, Kim Basinger was and is GORGEOUS and SEXY.  Daughter, not so much.  I mean she's not ugly.  But she's not beautiful.  A least not to me.  Plus she's only like 17 but she looks 34.  Dress is pretty.  I guess she looks okay.  I hate nepotism.  She wouldn't be here if here folks weren't who they were.  Overall grade:  B (and I'm being nice).

 
 


Don't know who the gal in the blue is, but Julianna Margulies is in the white and black.  She ALWAYS nails it.  Looks fabulous and chic.  Grade:  A


Amy Pohler.  Well, since Linda Lou already texted me saying that Amy Pohler and Melissa Leo should just make up their minds to be lesbians, I have no idea what to say about Amy' dress.  NO grade. 



Anna Faris.  Uh ... it sure is bright.  Like NEON bright.  The hair ... I don't like it.  It looks fake.  Don't like the platinum color or the bangs.  Am also not feeling the lizard pin at the back ... why?  Grade:  D.


Anna Gunn of Breaking Bad.  I've never seen this program though I hear it is fabulous.  I LOVE this gal's dress.  Love the hair.  Love everything.  I hear she was a winner as well.  Good for her.  As for me ... she gets an A+





Okay.  I don't know who this actress is but let me say this ..., her dress looks like she's packing a parachute. What's with the straps and the belt and the buttons and the junk at the neck.  Ay yi yi.  And the hair ... couldn't she have run a brush through it?  You're at an award show darling ... show a little care.  Grade:  D-

 
Christina Hendricks looks quite beautiful but the boobs seriously need to be reduced.  They add 30 lbs to her.  I mean look at the side shot!  Those suckers are HUGE.  Curvy, schmurvy ... those boobs just make her look fat.  And she's TOO white.  Get a tan.  Grade:  B-

 
Elisabeth Moss.  At first I really liked this but on second thought it really is kind of plain.  And the sequence looks kind of big.  Like cheap.  I do think she looks really good with blonde hair.  Grade:  B.

 
Jon Hamm and girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt.  Jon needs to trim down that beard.  He looks like a caveman.  she looks adorable.  I love the orangy-red color of that dress.  Grade:  A+ and special mention as Cutest Couple.

 
Judd Apatow and wife Leslie Mann.  I LOVE her.  I think she's really pretty and looks adorable.  However, the dress is kind of plain.  It looks like one of those long dresses you wear in the summer with a pair of flip-flops.  But because I like her, I'm giving her an A.  

 
Julia Louis-Dreyfuss.  She kind of always looks the same to me.  Very form fitting, simple gowns.  Nothing exciting.  I guess I'll give her a B though I wish she'd try something different once in a while.  Take a fashion risk Julia.  Please.  Shake it up.  Put some layers in your hair or get some bangs going.  Grade:  A
 


Julianne Hough.  I think this girl is GORGEOUS.  However, there is no reason to look so blue Julianne ... I know you're not with Ryan Seacrest any more but that should give you more reason to smile), now let's get to the dress.  Uh ... the fabric is beautiful, color is beautiful, dress ... NOT so beautiful.  I don't know??? What is it?  Off the shoulder with a baggy mess at the bust, then big girl panties you can see through the sheer skirt.  Just ALL WRONG.  Sorry Julianne but I'm going to have to give you an F.  It's really bad.


 
 Julie Bowen.  Pretty ... a little too much frou-frou at the bottom.  Grade:  B
 

This red carpet had that white background which was distracting.  For instance, you can't really see the detail in this dress.  I can't tell whether I like it or not.  

 
 
 
I've said it a thousand times ... GET RID OF THE FUCKEN LAVANDER HAIR!  UGH.  The dress is very 1930's but I don't like it in red.  Go figure.  I'm giving Kelly an F until she dyes her hair a normal color.

 
Kerry Washington.  I guess it's a pretty dress but it looks like it has a bunch of Kleenex and cotton balls attached to it.  And doesn't her head look ENORMOUS?  Grade:  C-


Lena Dunham.  Super Talented, I LOVE her but this dress is a DISASTER.  Lena!  Get a stylist!  You look like you're wearing drapes.  And tats are NEVER attractive on a lady.  Just sayin'.  Grade:  F-     (but I really love you Lena!)

 
Malin Ackerman.  Really gorgeous.  Very movie starfish (except for the hint of tat on her back - ugh), but other than that I'm going to give her an A.  (This horrible white background ruined the look of all the gowns!)

 
Maria Menounos.  This is one sexy girl.  Great body, beautiful face.  I'd kill for those knockers.  Grade:  A+


 
Michael Douglas solo.  WOW.  Thank God you left your old lady at home.  I know they're separated and all, but Catherine Zeta Jones bugs me.  She ALWAYS looks like a matron.  She dresses like a 60 year old woman. 

 
Paul Abdul.  You look like a no-neck bobble head.  And your dress looks like it doesn't fit.  Someone like you should be able to afford alterations.  It's wrinkled and baggy and too big and that neck is gross.  What the hell were you thinking?  Sorry Paula but you're getting a big, fat F.  And your head looks too big. 

  
Rose Byrne.  PERFECTION.  The best at the Emmy's.  Grade:  AAA - love this!

 
 
Ms. Sarah Silverman looking quite sexy.  I'm gonna give her an A+.  WINNER WINNER WINNER!


Sofia Vergara.  Nothing new here.  Same dress she always wears but in a different color.  She has a great body but I'd like to see her do something different.  I'm giving her a C for not being original and resorting to type



What the fuck is this?  Her boobs are blindfolded, the fabric is a swirl of pink and black and gray with a weird white bib???  ... It's a mess.  Grade:  F- to the negative of 12.  UGLEEEEEE.


Zooey Deshanel.  LOVE THIS!  She looks adorable.  Love the gown, the hair, the entire look.  Very pretty.  Grade:  A+


 
 
Claire Danes.  Claire, never, ever, EVER wear a dress that makes you look like a man.  Where is your chest?  You don't wear something this low and revealing unless you can produce some cleavage.  This is not a good look okay?  The dress might have been pretty but this is a disaster.  I'm so sorry but I MUST give you a D.  Next time work with what you have.    
 

So that's my Emmy best and worst.  I hope you enjoyed it.  If you have anyone you'd like to mention that I didn't, feel free to shoot me a comment.
 
In all honesty, I didn't even watch the Emmy's this year, I just caught the pre-show Red Carpet Arrivals.  Somehow the Emmy's don't get me as excited as the Oscars.  Now THAT'S an award show.  So until next time loves,
 
SMOOCHES!   MUAH!
 

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

A RE-RUN .... A really scary story

Yesterday I went to the market for a few things and decided to bring something for dessert ... carrot cake. This is not the husband's favorite but since I'm always bringing him apple turnovers and blackberry pie I thought I thought I'd get one of MY favorites for a change. When he gets home from work I hold it up and say "LOOK HONEY! CARROT CAKE! HOURS AND HOURS OF EATING PLEASURE" He very unenthusiastically says, "you know I don't like carrot cake - you got that for YOU."


Fast forward to the next morning ... open the fridge to get a piece of carrot cake with my coffee ... AND THE WHOLE THING IS GONE!!! WHAT! So I call him at work ...


RING RING


Dan: Hello?

Me: I thought you didn't like carrot cake?!

Dan: I don't.
 
Me: Then how come you ate all the carrot cake?!
 
Dan: I didn't.

Me: Dan, I saw the empty box in the trash and the entire cake is gone!

Dan: I KNOW! I didn't eat that carrot cake YOU DID. I saw it this morning and said DAYUM, SHE ATE THE WHOLE THING!

Me: Danny, don't play with me ... I know you're lying!
 
Dan: No I'm not ... I SWEAR.  I didn't eat it. You did.
 
Me: (SILENCE)

Slowly, I began to deduce. 1 - he doesn't like carrot cake; 2 - I like carrot cake; 3 - I took an Ambien; 4 - it's very possible I ate all that carrot cake and have no memory of it because I was in an Ambien induced high.
FUCK. I ATE THE ENTIRE CARROT CAKE!!!

It's just like that time I saw pink toe nail clippings all over the living room rug and couldn't figure out how they got there. Or like the time Breanne told me I came into her room and started trying on all her shoes and I couldn't remember. Or like that other time when I posted naked pictures of Dr. Laura on my blog.
What am I GONNA DO? I have insomnia?! If I don't take Ambien I don't sleep! It's horrible! OMG - I may have to start EXERCISING to make myself physically tired and I HATE EXERCISE! Maybe I can just switch meds! Maybe the doctor can prescribe some other sleep medication that doesn't make me crazy and cause hallucinations and memory loss!

SHIT .... okay everyone, I'LL KEEP YOU POSTED.

MY FAVORITE WORDS ...

Your prescription is ready.  Open-mouth smile

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF ...


                Jennifer Lopez: I have high standards for a partner  ...

On not feeling secure about herself until later in life: "It was after I had kids to be honest…The biggest insecurity I had was my singing. Even though I had sold 70 million records, there was this feeling like, I'm not good at this. And while I was married to Marc, he helped me get over it. He kept telling me, ‘You're the only one holding yourself back from reaching your full potential as a singer. You have to let go'…I was always so insecure and just kind of going along. Then I grew, little by little, and realized, wait a minute, this is not a fluke. I'm not a mistake – I work my ass off. And I know what I'm doing."

JENNIER, MY LOVE ... you may work hard, but you are correct.  You CAN'T sing.  At all.


On her relationship with 26-year-old choreographer boyfriend Beau "Casper" Smart: "For me, it's about having a great partner to walk this life with. I have my own high standards for what I want in a partner and how I want to be treated. I bring a lot to the table. I'm not talking about material things but what I have to offer as a person – love and loyalty and all the things that make a good relationship.

Jen, this is actually quite easy to accomplish when you are with a child.  Add to that that you have him on the payroll and voila!  Successful relationship.  Just an FYI ... once he graduates from high school he's going to want to hang out with he big girls so you may have a little problem on your hands.  Just putting a bug in your ear. 

And as for Jennifer returning to Idol, she insists it's not "for the money."  I KNOW THAT.  It's for the exposure ... AND the money.  You see Jen suffers from the same malady as the Wicked Witch of the West.  Unless hordes of people are looking at her she starts to melt.  So I guess you could say her return really is for health reasons.




NEXT ...

Those two crazy kids Eddie and Tamra ...

Eddie with stripper ...


Tamra with stripper ...



















These two are SO READY FOR MARRIAGE. 

After catching Eddie getting a lap dance, Tamra was pissed and pitched a fit.  Uh ... Tamra hon, isn't that you with a man's face between your legs? 

I have to stay that I was surprised they even aired these episodes on T.V.  However, what a great example of what happens when you put shit for brains on television and give them loads of money.  I could write volumes on the shallow, empty voids of humanity these two are but I think you know that already.  My readers are not STOOPID. 

So, how long do you give these two?  One year?  Two?  Please weigh in.  It'll be very interesting to see how this relationship will play out.

With that said, hope you all had a fabulous Labor Day weekend.  Mine was great.  So nice to have an extra day to do nuthin'. 

SMOOCHES!