Pages

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

A RANT AND AN R.I.P.

Snooki is pregnant. People this stupid should not be allowed to procreate.

Awwww ... Davey Jones passed away today. Only 66 years old. I LOVED THE MONKEES! When my cousins and I were little kids we lived on the same block and every Monday night we would put on our pajamas and gather at Tia Martha's house because she had a color TV and we would watch the Monkee's in color. Color TV was a big deal back in the 1960's (all you ridiculous little brats who have Tivo and computer games and cable with 479 channels).

Going to Tia Martha's to watch the Monkee's was a real special treat. All us cousins would get all excited to not only watch the program but to just be together, all of us laughing and truly enjoying that half hour of TV. IT WAS THE BEST! So Davey Jones, THANK YOU. Thank you for all the wonderful memories and all the great music.

RIP Davey.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

OSCARS BEST AND WORST 2012

OK. Right off the bat, I wasn't really thrilled with anybody. No one wowed me. And I gotta say that since my boyfriend was robbed of a nomination for his brilliant work in A Dangerous Method, my heart wasn't in this year's award show. With that said, let's get started!


OK. Everybody knows that Mama hates Jennifer. But, you gotta hand it to her ... she knows how to look like a movie star so I gotta give her a good grade: A

And can I just say, I'm glad she left her boy toy home. Casper (the one who looks like a horny 14 year old) ... he was going to be her date but his mother wouldn't let him stay out late on a school night. :)


Shailene Woodley. This dress is almost an exact copy of the confirmation dress my mother made for me in 1971. Honey, you are much too young to wear something like this. All you need is a wimple, a veil and a rosary and you'd look just like a nun. This is not the look to cultivate in Hollywood. You're too young to cover everything up like that. Grade: F-

Sandra Bullock. Black/white/spangle ... swear to god I had a jumpsuit just like this in the 1980's! It brought back great memories ... therefore I'll give Sandra a B+

Rooney Mara, best actress nominee. A very cutting edge and risky look but she can carry it off. The black hair, severe bangs, red lips and absence of jewelry ... tres chic. However, the cups on the halter look like they're upside down ... and I think the dress would have been slammin' if it were black. I gotta give her an A. She's a beautiful girl and has her own style and I like that.


Penelope Cruz. She is much too young to be dressed like this. She looks like a very pretty 52 year old woman. She's so sexy ... Penelope ... NO. The ladylike chiffon and diamond choker are a big disappointment. You've got a great pair of knockers and you're YEARS away from your 50's. Sex it up girl. Grade: D-

Natalie Portman. She is so pretty. I wasn't sure if I was going to include her because her look does nothing for me. Don't like the necklace ... it seems too heavy for the dress and the dress doesn't seem Oscar worthy to me. It's kinda simple and looks like it was made of cotton or dotted swiss fabric. Big zero on the wow factor. Grade: D-

Kristin Wiig. This gal is so talented and funny but she lacks va-voom. The dress ... ultra bland. The flesh color just fades right into her skin. The hair, the makeup, the jewels B-O-R-I-N-G. It's all very bland and lackluster. Grade: F-

Michelle Williams. I feel like she's worn this dress before but in a different color??? I'm not feeling the elfin, pixie hair and I don't think a choker style necklace goes with this type of strapless neckline. I would have ditched the necklace and gone with some great earrings. p.s. doesn't the skirt look like a chenille bedspread? Grade: D

The Fabulous Meryl Streep. Mhmmm .... this makes her look thick in the middle. It's almost too gold and heavy looking. Me no likee. Grade: D


Melissa McCarthy. LOVE Melissa, hate the dress. Color - bad; style - bad; bling - bad; frou-frou - BAD. Overall look BAD. Grade: F-

Melissa Leo. Proof that sequins and glitter can spruce up any old schmata. JEEZ LOUISE You're a movie star for crying out loud!!! Get a freaking stylist!!!! Grade: Double F-

Octavia Spencer. PERFECTION. Beautiful gown, beautiful color, beautiful jewels, beautiful hair, beautiful makeup. Overall look: Beautiful!! Grade A+



The great Tony Bennett and his grand ... I mean, wife. That dress looks like she got it at Ross Dress for Less. Sorry ... Grade: F-

Viola Davis. This woman has an awesome body but I do not like the dress or the color. I HATE green. I think if this gown were in black or any other color but green I'd like it better. Grade: C-

Kelly Osbourne. WHAT'S WITH THE LAVENDER HAIR!!!! OK. Her body looks great and I kinda like the dress but I'm not sure. I think if her hair was a normal color it would change the whole look. That hair's gotta go. Grade: C+

Jessica Chastain. I don't know ... I don't think I like it ... but then I do ... I'm thinking beehives, honey .... Grade: D-

Gwyneth Paltrow, the Princess of Hollywood. Rockin' body. Very chic, yet risky. It has a 1930's feel to it. I like it. I'm giving Gwynnie an A+

YOWZA!! Glenn Close hits a home run!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE this look. Elegant, age appropriate, sexy, glamorous. See ladies, you can look glamorous and sexy without flashing tits and wearing rubber. She looks fantastic. Grade: A+


Giuliana Rancic of E! I know this poor girl has had some bad, bad luck lately. She went through breast cancer and has been very public about it. She has also been very public about her inability to conceive. BUT ... SERIOUSLY she needs to gain some weight. She has that doe eyed anorexic look ... Giuliana, please, please, please, .... eat something! Not thrilled about the dress. Don't like those applique wing things on the shoulders, the hair is much too severe ... it's pulled back so tight I'm getting a Migraine just looking at it. Grade: C-

Esperanza Spalding. I don't know who this chick is but girlfriend seriously needed a hot comb. Dress was a beautiful shade of icy blue but was all wrinkly at the bottom. This gal has a beautiful face and should have worn her hair in a chignon with some beautiful chandelier earrings or something. It's THE ACADEMY AWARDS ESPERANZA! Grade: D-


Emma Stone. No. No. NO. Hate that thing on the shoulder and the severe side part. Not loving it. Also, Nicole Kidman wore a dress almost exactly like this several years ago. Didn't like it then, don't like it now. Grade: F-






Cameron Diaz. I thought she looked really pretty. Loved the dress, the color, the diamond necklace, but I really like her hair worn longer. Other than that I give her a B-.

Brian "Chia-pet" Grazier. Someone really oughta tell him.

Branga-freaking-lina. These two always look like waxed figures to me. Angie in basic black. You look very pretty Ang but ... that skinny, horrific, nobby-kneed, white leg should ALWAYS be kept undercover. Just sayin'.

Berenice Bejo, Best Supporting Actress nominee. ALL WRONG. WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS? And THE HAIR? What was up with the wavy pinned back up-do? Her forehead is way to big to wear her hair that way. The dress, the style, cut, color - terrible. It looks like a mint colored table cloth. Grade: F-

Anna Faris. She looks like she was dipped in oil. Grade: F-

And p.s. ... what was up with the music?!?!?

Thursday, February 23, 2012

*SIGH*

Whenever I'm feeling low ...


I go to my "happy place" ...

and in a little while ... the ether will dissipate ....

and there
not far ....
beyond the mists of fate ....

I'll find ...

yet again

the JOY my happy heart awaits ...my JOY.


my LOVE.my VIGGO.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

OSCAR TIME!!!!!

Don't forget! Mark your calendars! This weekend is Academy Award night (Sunday, February 26) and I will be posting my "Best and Worst" of the 2012 Academy Awards! I will be on hand to see the entire Red Carpet arrivals and get right to work with my hilarious/sarcastic and sometimes even complimentary comments about the stars. So ... be there, or be square!

SMOOCHES!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

RE-RUN (Cause I've Run Dry of Ideas)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Memories from "The Block" ...

When I was growing up our neighborhood had some really interesting characters. Mary Felix lived next door to us and was the only divorced lady on the block and in the 1960's a divorced lady was scandalous. To me, she looked just like Tina Turner and was my first exposure to a "sexy" lady. She never, EVER, took off her false eye lashes and she loved leopard print. Leopard pants, leopard blouses, leopard shoes. She had one pair in particular that were strapless (which we kids referred to as "sexy lady" shoes) ... and whenever she came over to have coffee with my mother she would jump the back fence in her robe instead of just coming to the front door.

Mary pierced my ears when I was 8 years old. Back in the "olden days" there was no such thing as going to the mall and having your ears pierced with that gun thing. You had your ears pierced "old skool" people, with a freaking needle and thread. So ... one summer afternoon, under the big tree in our front yard, Mary came over with all her equipment: a big bowl of ice, a big bottle of alcohol, red thread and the biggest fucken needle I had ever seen! I was soooooo excited! My plan was that after I got my ears pierced I wanted to get braces and then …. Glasses! Get this ... I used to put foil on my teeth and pretend they were braces. I have no idea what motivated me to want to look like this but I did. So, Mary begins numbing my earlobes. I remember freaking out a little bit and worrying that she would stick the needle in my ear before I was completely numb, but not to worry, when she finally pierced my ears with that big old needle I didn't feel a thing.

Mary had a son named Randy who was my age. I liked him but he could also be a little bastard sometimes. He hit me with a t.v. cord once and it left a scar on my cheek for years and years. Every so often, Mary's father would come to live with her for a while. He was an alcoholic and he grew loquats in the backyard. He was a crooked, little man and he scared me because his name was Geronimo and I thought he was a real, live Indian. Geronimo once burned Mary's garage down. It was the most exciting thing that ever happened on Manzanar Avenue. The fire engines came roaring down the block and everyone who lived on Manazanar was in our backyard watching as my dad hosed down our garage so it wouldn't catch fire as well. That garage burnt to a crisp. Thankfully, no one was home at the time but everyone blamed Geronimo for setting the fire. Yeas later, when Randy and I were grown up, he told me the truth. Mary had a couch in her garage and Randy was playing with a sparkler and he was burning holes in the couch. Then they all left for a party ... and the garage burned down. Poor Geronimo. Randy let the whole world think that his little, crooked grandfather set the garage on fire. See … little bastard.

The last time I saw Mary was a few years ago at the Olive Garden. It had been at least 30 years since I'd last seen her and she had to be in her 70's. There she was looking sexy as ever, with her big false eyelashes and sitting right next to her was her man. Mary always had a man. When I learned that she passed away I was so sad ... Mary was loud and fun and outrageous and I will always have really fond memories of "sexy lady, sexy lady" Mary Felix.

Another neighbor, Jackie Copeland, lived across the street from us. Jackie was married to Bob and they were the only old, white people on the block. Jackie was a raging alcoholic but the sweetest person ever. She was tall and had ruddy skin and flaming red hair and was forever wandering up and down the block barefoot with a shower cap on her head calling after her dog Copey when he would escape from the back yard. Jackie adored Copey. He was a cute little Beagle with big floppy ears. When Copey died Jackie was devastated. She later got another dog ... a little weiner dog that she named Captain Jack and she would dress him in little jackets and capes … like a ship's Captain.

Bob, Jackie’s husband, was a crotchety old man. He was tall with white, somewhat balding hair and he always wore a cardigan with nice slacks. He was forever yelling for his wife ... “JACQUELINE!!!!” He was a retired real estate salesman and was the old man on the block that would scream and yell at the all the kids for walking through his ivy. Bob grew tomatoes in his backyard and we kids were forever messing with his tomato plants. They used to get these really big, lime green worms. My cousins and I would throw dirt balls over the fence and then we'd hear Bob yelling: "WHO IN THE HELL DID THIS TO MY TOMATAHS??!!!"

My ballet teacher Virginia, was not a neighbor but she was a character. She was an extremely buxom blonde who LOVED ballet and LOVED cats. I didn't like her because she was mean and when you're 11 years old you can't really tell an old lady to go eff herself. She once picked me up for ballet class and then took me to her house because she'd forgotten something. She let me come inside and I swear, there in the middle of the room, sat her weird husband (who I was convinced was a serial killer), reading the newspaper, surrounded by at least 30 cats! They were everywhere! On the furniture, on the tables, on the drapes. And the smell! It was the creepiest thing I'd ever seen! All these cats meowing and crawling all over everything. Very Twilight Zone. She was such a mean lady but she LOVED those cats. I remember when one them died. She was in-fucking-consolable and didn't teach class for two weeks which was great for me because she was always yelling at me "DEBBIE! YOU'RE NOT SWEATING ENOUGH!!!!" Ugh. It was mind-boggling to me that this heartless B could be so devastated by the death of one her gazillion cats! ... I mean WTF! SHE HAD 29 OTHER CATS!!!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

SHOCKED!!!!

I heard it yesterday on the way home from dinner and I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. I am really, truly shocked about Whitney Houston's death. I felt soooooo sad for her family. I remember how really beautiful she was. I loved all those videos from the 1980's and 1990's. I LOVED her music, her amazing voice. I bought her first album and wore it out. LIKE WORE IT OUT!



Praying for your daughter and your family. Rest in Peace dear Whitney.