From Venting to Viggo

Thursday, December 8, 2022

THE 2022 PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS BEST AND WORST!

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Thursday, November 3, 2022

WE ARE IN SUCH BIG TROUBLE ...

Dear Little Boy:

Get ready. The dick of life hasn't even penetrated you yet and you're already crying.

If by hobbies you mean playing video games for hours and hours on end, NO. You no longer have time to enjoy your hobby because it is time to be an ADULT. To quote a very talented writer I know, 30 is now the new 10. Never has this been truer.

Are you still living at home? Where mom cooks for you, does your laundry, and pays your car insurance? If so, it's time for both of you to be bitch slapped. Mom, because she raised a crybaby, and you, because you're a sissy la-la.

First of all, you're too fucking young to want to die because you work 9 to 5. When I was your age I worked 9 to 5, came home, did chores, and I had plenty of time for hobbies. But then hobbies back when I was your age did not consist of sitting in front of a computer in my pajamas playing video games past midnight.

We did things. Like reading books, or going to movies, or hitting the club. Basically going outside on a regular basis, unlike you, you pasty-faced loser.

My advice to you is to either get a spine and BE A MAN, or, pitch a tent in the nearest riverbed or under a freeway bridge and call it a day. And refrain from getting onto tik-tok to bitch about your life.

Signed,

Still working 9 to 5 at 65 ... DEAL WITH IT.

Thursday, September 1, 2022

JEN AGAIN ...

Per Vanity Fair ...

Jennifer Lopez says the wedding guest who "sold" the video from their ceremony "took advantage of our private moment." And she is dead set on finding out which one of her wedding guests violated their NDA in order to turn a profit off private footage of her big day.

Jen ... you don't have PRIVATE moments. The ONLY private moments you do not share with the rest of the world is when you're taking a dump or having sex (and I know you'd LOVE to film yourself and Ben or [insert name here] having sex with you) because you're that vain and think every woman wants to be you and every man wants to be with you.

Here's a pic for you.

Just a typical J-lo performance with her backup bridesmaids and Ben, sitting in a chair.

More shit I need to gripe about. Here are her "private moments" in PEOPLE MAGAZINE.

I can't wait to see where these two are in seven years.

Tuesday, August 23, 2022

J-LO and BEN ...

First of all ...

Here she is ... The blushing Bride (p.s. she's FIFTY-THREE)

Just for funsies, let's start from the VERY beginning.

Ojani Noa - husband no. 1:

1997 - 1998

Husband No. 2

Chris Judd

2001 - 2002 (nine months)

Almost Husband No. 3

Ben Affleck

Less than two years (2002 - 2004)
Broke up in January 2004

At the time Jennifer said this: "Ben and I split up at the moment when I thought we were committing to each other forever, it was my first real heartbreak, it felt like my heart had been torn out of my chest."

(Her first real heartbreak? No girl. That is not a heartbreak. A heartbreak is when you're curled up in a ball for six months! Not REMARRIED bitch).

Five months later (FIVE MONTHS!) she marries ....

Husband No. 3

Marc Anthony - Married June 2004

2004 - 2011 (and a set of twins) 7 years

OK. Now we're up to 2022.

Wedding dress for wedding no. 1 (or 4 ... whichever, but whose counting):

Vegas Wedding

So demure Jen.

Wedding dress for wedding No. 2 (or 5 but whose counting) ...

This blushing bride shit is so over the top. As much as I loved being a bride I wouldn't want to do it six times!

And another thing ... Jen? A big white gown with a big white veil? Really hun?

And is it just me or do you guys see it too? I see no chemistry between these two. I really don't.

And Jen, I know you're 53 and believe in love and all that shit, but let me show you the picture of an older bride (like you) except she was 39 at the time she married.

Angelica Huston ... talk about class. Tres Chic!

This is how you do it. Understated, elegant ... not puffy with frou-frou and veils with blushers. Jeez.

Maybe next time you'll go the simple route. Now let's see .... hmm ... who will be next?? Casper or Diddy?

I'm gonna go with Casper. By the time she and Ben divorce Casper should be old enough to grow a real moustache.

That's all ...

Friday, June 3, 2022

CANNES RED CARPET ...

OK ... this post is SOOOOOOOO LATE, but since I did not cover the Met Gala I thought I'd make it up to y'all by covering the Cannes Film Festival. Keep in mind that this film festival goes on for a week so many of these celebrities are wearing a different gown for each screening ... so here goes!

Adriana Lima ...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ... NO! Grade: FFF-MINUS MINUS MINUS! What the hell were you thinking?

... and yet again? Yeah. WE get it. You're with child. SMH.

Jennifer Connelley ...

She looks very chic. No bling, hair pulled back, letting the dress say it all. Grade: B

Anne Hathaway ...

OK. I can dig it. Pretty gown, cool necklace. Grade: B

Eva Longoria ...

Beautiful gown, lose the choker and loosen up the hair. Grade: C (for bad hair choice) and wearing a choker. It's not 1972.

Elle Fanning ...

Very sweet, very 1950's prom queen. Grade: B

Jasmine Tooks ...

HOT HOT HOT!!! Slammin' WINNER WINNER WINNER!!! Grade: A+

Alessandra Ambrosio ...

GUUUUUURL ... NO. I don't even know what to say. Those pasty things remind me of boulders and that skirt! You're so beautiful but your look is not. Grade: F-

Julia Roberts aka The Princess of Hollywood ...