J-LO needs my help ...

 

Everyone knows that I hate Jennifer Lopez.  But, because I am trying to be a better person and not spread negativity into the Universe bringing karma back onto myself, I am going to do a good deed and give J-lo some heartfelt advice.  

Dear Jen,

    You have just cancelled your world tour.  You state that you are devastated and heartbroken about having to do so, but that you must spend time with your family and close friends right now.

    Your last two documentaries, This is Me Now, and This Was Me Then, whatever, bombed.  And, it seems that you and Ben are having trouble and you are actually living separately right now.

    Jennifer, you must, absolutely must, get therapy.  Not couples therapy, but you and the therapist one-on-one.  And not for just six months or a year.  You need to go all in for at least five years.  A 54-year-old woman who still has the emotional maturity of a sixteen-year-old girl needs to examine WHY.  

    You've been married four times and have never, EVER been alone.  Not even for a minute.  You just keep overlapping your relationships.  You divorce one and marry another within a few months of divorcing and/or meeting a new person.  You don't know who you are!  This is why you desperately need your fans and an audience 24/7.  This is not normal.  

    You romanticize your marriages and relationships as though you're the popular girl in high school who is dating the football hero and you want to make absolutely sure you have a ton of pictures of the two of you in the yearbook.  You're fifty-four.  Not sixteen.  Real relationships are not like being on a date for the rest of your life.  They evolve and change.  And it seems when it changes, you freak the hell out and then the next thing you know, you're on the road to divorce again.  Aren't you tired?  You call yourself a hopeless romantic, but honey, you're just hopeless.  You need to find a spiritual practice and practice it.  You need to be alone for a few years and find out who the hell you are.  Believe me, you will not die from not having sex or not receiving adoration 24/7.  This is what feeds your narcissism.  I don't know.  Maybe you've been famous too long, but it's never too late to look inward and reflect, but it takes humility and courage.   

    You need to figure out what you want to do for the rest of your life.  You're quickly on your way to becoming Madonna.  And I don't know about you, but I would rather die than to become like Madonna.  A tragic 66-year-old lady still wanting to be a controversial sex bomb.  That is just sad.  

    I know you thought that when you and Ben finally married it would be heaven on earth.  I knew it wouldn't be.  That's because you want to live your entire life in front of cameras.  Ben Affleck does not like living his life in front of cameras. That's part of the problem right there.  You can't live without cameras in your face, and he can't stand it. What is necessary in this circumstance is that someone has to make a compromise.  You or him.  

    Seriously girl.  You need to grow the fuck up.  I mean, how many weddings do you want to have? 

    Well, I hope you've enjoyed our little talk.  And I hope you take what I said to heart.  Because it's not going to get any better.  Soon, you'll be 60, and let me tell you, THEN everything starts going downhill.  Everything hurts, you can't dance and jump around anymore, and you can forget about wearing Manolo Blahniks ever again.  So, good luck to you, and start exercising your brain.

        Yours truly,

        Debbie