THE STORY ABOUT THE TIME I WORKED FOR THE BRIDE OF SATAN ...

An ugly reality about the corporate world that needs to be discussed is women.

Women (aka secretaries and staff) have not come a long way baby in the corporate world.  The gals who have come a long way are the mucky muck partners and other female attorneys and/or high level executives.  Secretarial staff are drones.  Nothing more, nothing less.  They have been known to type up kid’s homework, cancel ballet lessons, wrap Xmas presents, go down to the parking garage and “get that box out of my car”, etc., etc., etc.  And though it pains me to say such things about my own gender, it is the honest truth that most secretaries would rather stick needles in their eyes than work for a female partner. 

Dulcinea Bradley was one such female partner.  Ironically, Dulcinea in Spanish means sweet.  She wasn’t.  She reminded me of the asexual character Pat on Saturday Night Live.  You couldn’t tell if she was a man or a woman.  Dulcinea had short black hair, wore wire rimmed glasses and had a corn-fed Midwestern look.  Her usual style of dress consisted of a pair of khaki pants that were usually chewed up by her butt crack which she wore with a basic white Oxford shirt that she belted and tucked in high at the waist.  She was, as a Southerner would say “a big ol gal.”  Dulcinea was really loud and had a high pitched, cackling laugh that conjured up images of flying monkeys.  In short, she scared the hell out of the staff.  Her long-suffering secretary was a friend of mine and she was treated horribly by this woman.  For a visual, picture Edith Bunker with Archie yelling right in her face all day long. 

Dulcinea inspired fear in everyone at the firm, including partners.  Unfortunately, she was a rainmaker which gave her unlimited freedom to behave like a tyrant.  After working for this monster for many years my poor girlfriend had it and was finally transferred to another desk which left Dulcinea without a secretary.  Now some poor floater was going to have to work for her.  That poor floater was me. 

The first week I sat at that desk she sent me an email.  Within the time it took for her to hit send on her computer she had stormed over to my desk and within inches from my face, finger pointing at my keyboard she screamed “OPEN YOUR EMAIL!  OPEN YOUR EMAIL!”  She had gotten her panties in a twist because I had not responded to her email within the 2 seconds it took for it to travel from her computer to mine, hence the hissy fit at my desk.  The entire outburst took place while I was on the phone taking a message (hence, my not immediately reading her email).  When I hung up I looked at her and very calmly said ... “I can hear you.”  This was grounds for a sit down with Human Resources where I was informed that Dulcinea NEVER, EVER WANTED ME TO COVER HER DESK AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE LIVED, and into my personnel file went another write-up.  After I was banned for life from working for her, the next unfortunate soul was Gabe.  Gabe was an excellent secretary, however, this was irrelevant.  Once, when Dulcinea placed several pencils in her “outbox” and they were still sitting there two days later she literally had a shit hemorrhage and screamed at Gabe for not sharpening her pencils.  Unfortunately, Gabe had forgotten to read her mind that day otherwise he would have realized that leaving the pencils in the outbox meant that she wanted him to sharpen them.  Fact:  if you want your pencils sharpened, perhaps telling your secretary “hey, do you think you can sharpen my pencils?” would suffice.  NO.  This is not how it went down.  Gabe and Dulcinea went to WAR and it was the office talk for weeks.  “How was he supposed to know she wanted him to sharpen her pencils!?” “Would you have sharpened them?”  “Hell no, let her sharpen her own pencils!” and on and on it went with secretaries taking sides and everyone in the firm weighing in.    OK … I just have to stop right here and remind you all that we are talking about one of the largest, most prestigious law firms IN THE WORLD, and this is the kind of shit that was going on all the time.  … Corporate America at its finest.   

I cannot stress to you how awful this woman was.  So in my mind, I thought of a brilliant payback fantasy …

I would send her, anonymously, of course, a gigantic vibrator with a sweet
note …   

Dearest Dulcinea,

It has been medically proven that the use of this apparatus has many health benefits.  It is a proven tension reliever and many believe it can also aid in instilling a calmer demeanor.  With proper usage, you should achieve orgasm quite regularly.  This will make you rather tired, but in a good way.  With regular use, you will find you have less stress and more friends.  For maximum benefit use once or twice a week, batteries not included. 

Love,
A Concerned Friend

I eventually did get payback … sort of ... and it was better than the vibrator idea.  The legal community in Los Angeles is small.  Everyone knows everyone and the fates being what they are and karma being a bitch and all, Miss Dulcinea left the biggest, most prestigious law firm in the world a few years later and interviewed at the firm I was now working at.  I was working for a corporate finance partner at the time and watched in amazement as Dulcinea was ushered into Arthur’s office.  OMG I thought. ... that's Dulcinea Bradley!  After their meeting I walked into his office …

Me:  “Was that Dulcinea Bradley?” 
Arthur:  “Yes.”
Me:  “I used to work for her.”
Arthur:  “You did?” 
Me:  “Yes.  She’s the biggest bitch I ever met in my life.”
Arthur:  “Yeah.  You can tell.”
Me:  “I wouldn’t hire her.  She’s poison.”

She didn’t get the job.  Next time you might want to think twice about who you’re yelling at lady. 
I don’t profess to have had any power over the decision to hire her or not, but it sure felt good to be able to put my two cents in regarding a horrible woman who made my life hell, even if it was only for two weeks. 
Lesson to be learned:   

 BE NICE DAMMIT!!  

(or you may receive a vibrator in the mail)