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Monday, November 28, 2011

MORE ADVENTURES IN "DANNYLAND"

So, guess who went on a bike ride, swallowed a bee and got stung in the throat?

Yup. Danny.


So I tell him, you better go to the doctor right away. You could be having an allergic reaction. That thing could swell your throat up and you could suffocate and die! This is serious Dan. Let's go to urgent care right now!

Dan: Nah. I'm okay.

Me: WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN STUBBORN?! GAWD DANNY this could be very serious.

Dan: If I was gonna die I would have died already.

Me: UGHHHH!


Fast forward to 10:00 pm. The man has a raging fever and headache. For this he takes ONE Advil (because God forbid, he doesn't wanna hallucinate or anything). So he's feeling like crap, but goes to work the next day and suffers. FINALLY, gets to the doctor two days later because now that his limbs are turning black and his fingers are beginning to fall off he's concerned ... (that's sarcasm) and the doctor tells him ... are you ready?

Doc: You obviously had an allergic reaction to the bee venom. You're lucky
y
our throat didn't swell up which could cause you to suffocate and die. (OK OK NOT EXACTLY BUT YOU GET THE GIST).

Married 15 frickin years and the man never, EVER takes my word for ANYTHING!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

OK OK, I GIVE ...

I'll be 55 on my next birthday ... middle aged for sure if I live to be 110. Yesterday I went shopping to try to find an outfit for a wedding I'll be attending. I went to Nordstrom where I always go when I want something "special" but where now, it seems, EVERYTHING is too small ... no matter what size it is. After trying on a multitude of lovely blouses, dresses and tops with no success, I finally sucked it up and wandered over to the "fat lady" department. The gal there looked at me as if I had three heads ... I explained to her that I was much bigger than I look (it's true). She convinced me that everything in that department would be too big for me. Sadly, I'm somewhere between the fat lady department and the XL in the regular departments ... so, after spending $60 on Dior makeup so I wouldn't feel completely suicidal, I went home.

On the drive home I began mentally going through my closet to figure out what I could wear to the wedding. I immediately decided on my usual "uniform" ... black pants, a leopard print top that I would cover with a black jacket. The dress of most middle-aged ladies. Black, black and more black. *Sigh*. BUT, it is what it is. I give-up. I do ... realizing that I'm invisible anyway ... which is also typical of most middle-aged ladies, unless you're Sharon Stone.

I reflected on that shopping experience and on all the young girls shopping and noted that almost every single one of them was carrying a Coach or Louis Vuitton bag. Do you know how expensive those bags are? I couldn't tell if the bags were the real thing of knock offs ... but, considering that Louis Vuitton bags actually come with "papers" like a pedigreed dog, I was certain that if these gals could carry their bags and exhibit the papers proving their authenticity, they would. I don't mean to sound like a hater, but it was disheartening and I can't stand pretension.

I do miss being young and being able to wear anything I want. I miss buying sexy shoes and being able to wear heavy eyeliner and purple eyeshadow and not look like a crazy homeless woman. I miss the days of enjoying a day of shopping and being able to get anything I wanted.
*Sigh* ... but alas, it is life. Once upon a time, a long time ago, I was the young, thin girl who turned heads. But no more ... my time has passed ... it is their time now.

So I give in. You win Father Time.

And I'm okay. A few words of wisdom to you young ones out there ... enjoy it ladies ... it'll go by faster than you think.

THEN ...













NOW ...













Sunday, November 6, 2011

NOW THIS IS WHAT A BRIDE SHOULD LOOK LIKE DAMMIT!

Susan Sarandon's daughter, Eva Amurri was married a few weeks ago. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE her gown. No tits hanging out, not the same ole strapless mermaid/ball gown everyone and their sister has worn for the last 10 years ... are you listening Kim?

She's beautiful, lovely, bride like. I LOVE IT.


And as long as we're on the subject of tasteful brides check out Ivanka Trumps w
edding gown ... beautiful as well.


Friday, November 4, 2011

STUFF ... PET PEEVES AND KIMMIE KARDASHIAN

A phrase that has always irked me: I'm a survivor. What the hell does that mean? Like if you get cancer (God forbid) and you get over it then, yeah ... you're a survivor. But what if you don't survive? Does that mean you're a loser because you didn't survive? How can anyone make a statement like that when life is so random and uncertain? We're all surviving something. YOU'RE NOT A SURVIVOR YOU IDIOT ... YOU'RE JUST GOING THROUGH LIFE.

Next ...

PET PEEVES:

People who say “CONVERSATING" instead of "CONVERSING".

People who say they’re “CAREER ORIENTATED” instead of “CAREER ORIENTED”. It's orien-TED NOT orien-TA-ted. Ugh.

People who say “SUPPOSEBLY” instead of “SUPPOSEDLY.” Morons.

People who say “NUKECULAR” instead of “NUCLEAR” (George Bush).

People who over use the word “BASICALLY” … basically, they use basically too much because they basically can’t communicate. Basically. Oy.

Next ...

OK ... I really did try to resist the urge to blog about Kim Kardashian, I really did because I am as uttely disgusted with the Kardashian Klan as the rest of America but I feel I have an obligation to report/judge/critique and advise and I have a message for Kimmie – I TOLD YOU SO.

Now Kim, if you really want to win back the public this is what you need to do:

1. Show some integrity and return the ring.

2. Show some more integrity and return all the gifts.

3. The millions you made from advertisers, etc., should be returned and distributed to all those viewers you duped into watching your $10 million dollar "fairytale fantasy wedding" while the rest of America is jobless and in dire straits you narcissistic tramp. Thank you.

4. Commit to at least three years of serious therapy. Seriously.

5. In the future date MEN. Not puppies. Say 38 to 43 yrs.

6. Do NOT listen to your mother.

7. Get a spiritual practice going and PRACTICE IT.

Everyone on earth has had to eat humble pie at one time or another ... even fame whores.

And that's all I have to say about that.