A LETTER TO THREE IDIOTS
If you've ever been in therapy, sometimes the therapist will ask you to write a letter to the person you're angry with but then, YOU DON'T REALLY SEND IT. It's a way to get your feelings out. Well, today I thought I'd take a different tack. I cannot tell you how GOOD I would feel to actually send this letter to the Three Idiots who had me fired after a grand total of 8 weeks of employment. So ... if you will, please allow me to VENT. And please keep in mind that I am getting ready for yet, another visit from my friend, which is reason enough for me to be a little psychotic. All this need to vent came on from a dream I had where I had an interview in the same building where the Three Idiots work. In the dream ... I ran into them .... UGH. Even in dream-life it made me flashback ... so, here it is ...
Dear Idiot No. 1:
I want you to know that it has been almost one year since you had me fired and I am still unemployed. I have had a terrible time trying to find work in this economy. I often
wonder had I just taken your infantile temper tantrums
would I still be employed? But I soon came to realize that I probably wouldn't. I'd be in prison.
When you work for a company that hires "at will" employees, we are to understand that that means they can let you go for any reason whatsoever. This means that even if I wore a pair of shoes that you did not like you could let me go (okay okay, maybe that's pushing it a little but the least you could do is allow me a little sarcasm after all I've been through) ... however, that statement is not that far from the truth.
Two weeks after I began working for you, you had your first hissy fit. I can't say that I blame you. My offense was particularly egregious ... I asked you a question. Now, I know I put "mind reading" on my resume but I only did that because I thought it would help get hired. Obviously, it worked, but ... Mr. Idiot No. 1... everyone knows that no one can really read minds silly! OK. Back to the hissy fit. What I think was most incredible was the amount anger in your hissy fit. Perhaps you had forgotten your meds that day, I don't know, but you really seem to have some other dark and serious underlying issues at work here. Do you realize that you pushed your chair away from your desk with such force that I thought you were going to make a hole in the wall with your head! A pinhole, but a hole nonetheless.
Question: how come you can scream and yell at me but I couldn't scream and yell at you? I think that's a fair question. I mean after all, you got to VENT your frustrations at me when I couldn't read your mind so I think it's only fair that I get to VENT my frustrations at you for being a narcissistic asshole ... seems fair don't you think? Oooooh Mr. Idiot No. 1 ... there are so many stories I could share but for now, let's just move on to Idiot No. 2.
Dear Idiot No. 2:
You never once said good morning to me. You never asked me about my weekend. You never spoke to me period. You were a good attorney I'll give you that but you seriously need help in the "personality" department, which kind of leads me into the next piece of advice I would like to offer you (and I mean this only in the most loving way) I would venture to
guess that you are probably long overdue and probably seriously need to get laid. I really think that it would do you a world of good. Orgasm does that to people. It makes you smile and feel really tired, but in a good way. I think that is something you should seriously consider. And by the way, there are lots of "tools" that can help you achieve this in case you can't find a suitable partner of the opposite sex. One more helpful hint ... Beer. Beer and pot can be very effective in this type of undertaking. Just a thought for someone who is as uptight as you.
Dear Idiot No. 3:
If you're going to assure your new hires that you do not tolerate harassment or bullying
then you should probably enforce that rule because technically, by not enforcing that policy you are actually, in effect ... lying to your new hires. You know, committing fraud ... if you will. Just putting a little bug in your ear. One day you may encounter someone who will actually confront you on your bogus policies and ... well ... then all I can say is I tried to tell you. I'd hate to see someone pop a cap in your ass ... NOT! ... LOL!
So, there it is readers. I don't know about you but I FEEL A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT BETTER! AMAZING WHAT A LITTLE VENTING CAN DO!
SMOOCHES!
