Another year, another Red Carpet. This one wasn't as exciting as most, nor as glamorous. No one really WOWED me, but I am a faithful watcher so let's begin.
BACKUP! I just saw the last of the show. They announced La La Land as Best Picture and it was a MISTAKE!!! Moonlight really won! OMG. The La La Land cast were making their speeches and a guy runs onto the stage to say it was a mistake. WOW. That's a first!
OKAY .... back to fashion ....
First, we have the beautiful Alicia Vikander. I really liked this look on camera though in the photograph below it looks rather plain. But I liked it so ...
Grade: A
Ana Duverney ... this looks like a David's Bridal purchase. The dress looks stiff like paper and uncomfortable. She must have been scratching through the entire show. Grade: D-
Blanca Blanco. Really. That is her name. Translation: White White ????
We begin with too much Frou Frou on the shoulders, the slit is way too high and hopefully for our sake she waxed. The fabric also looks like ugly wallpaper. She pairs all this with a RED belt and BLACK shoes. NO. Grade: F-
Chrissy Teigen who thinks she's a major celebrity because she's married to John Legend but she's not. Also, she has the ROUNDEST face ever. She could use a little facial sculpting lipo on those cheeks. The dress? I guess it's pretty but I don't like the bib in front and that slit is way too high. Grade: C
Yodel A-Hee Who .... Heidi of the Mountains? ... p.s. her hair looks like a big ol cotton ball. Grade: C-
Dakota Dakota Dakota ... where did you find this dress? In your grandmother's attic? Was it once a wedding gown? From 1945? With a bow and an apron, and long sleeves? It's all a rather wrinkly mess. And her hair? It's just hanging there like spaghetti. And that gigantic necklace is ALL WRONG. WHO DRESSED YOU DAKOTA? Grade: F- (did you get that Dakota? MINUS. An F MINUS)
Every time I see Emma Roberts I think to myself .... gee ... she's almost pretty. The dress is quite chic. I believe it was vintage. Her hair looks nice and I gotta give her props. She's looking very sweet and fresh. Grade: A
Ginnifer Goodwin. I could swear she's worn this before. Her hair is MUCH too short, dark and severe looking for this ugly red mess of a dress. I think for this look she should have worn a wig or extensions to give the look a more cohesive look. Grade: F
Giuliana Rancic, the only living cadaver in blue. Pretty ... I guess. Dress is somewhat ill fitting. I believe she was getting vitamin I.V.'s between camera shots in order to slow down the weight loss and keep the dress on her body instead of slipping onto the floor. Grade: B
Hailee Steinfeld. LOVELY!!! Beautiful dress, beautiful hair, beautiful makeup. WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!! Grade: A+
Halle Berry looking typical. Killer body in a very body conscious dress but her hair looked like she stuck her finger in an outlet and KABOOM! Her hair blew up and stayed that way. TOO BIG. I felt sorry for the lady sitting behind her ... Grade: C
Isabelle Huppert looking PERFECT. Literally perfect! Great hair, great makeup and her dress is perfection. So elegant. The earrings are a great touch .... I even loved her nails. WINNER WINNER WINNER!!! Grade: A+
Janelle Monet wearing a combination of looks. First we have a Marie Antoinette skirt with hoops on the side, then we have a sheer bodice with various do-dads and one mother of a neckline that if she isn't careful will pierce her jugular. AND a laurel on her head. Grade: F-, C, F- and D-.
Jerry O'Connell (aka Howdy Doody).
Jessica Biel. SIGH. Well, the dress is pretty, but that necklace thing is HORRIBLE. It almost looks as if it might come to life like a sea urchin or a starfish. She would have done better if she lost the necklace. And her hair? I guess it's okay if you want to look like Mary Todd Lincoln. Grade: D
Kirsten Dunst looking VERY GLAM. Her waist looked super tiny and I loved this simple, elegant look. Grade: A+
Leslie Mann. LOVE HER. She has the perfect coloring to wear this chartreuse dress. The only bad thing is that NO ONE thought to steam it! It's a wrinkly mass of fabric. Grade: B
Pharrell's wife. OMG. Another David's Bridal purchase and her hair! I mean I guess it's okay if you want to look 76 years old.
Grade: F-
Nicole Kidman. Nicole you can do better than this. This look is the definition of bland. The only noticeable thing are the red lips. The rest is blah. She is so white that the dress just fades her out even more. Grade: D-
Olivia Culpo. This girl always brings it. Absolutely beautiful! Hair/makeup and dress ALL PERFECTION! ... this look is a WINNER WINNER WINNER!!! Grade: A+
Ruth Negga. She's a best actress nominee and this is the best she could do? No stylist? This looks like a prom dress I had in 1974. And so do those shoes! WHICH DO NOT MATCH. Grade: F-
Salma Hayek. This dress looks like a negligee from the 1950's. Her hair is not good. The hairband and the earrings are competing with each other. Would have looked so much better if she'd worn her hair up with the dangling earrings. But DAYUM she has a great pair of knockers. Grade: B
Scarlett Johanssen. NO. NO AND NO. Grade: F-
Theresa Palmer (I think that is her name), this looked very pretty on camera as she moved about but in the picture that belt is ALL wrong. Her hair is good, earrings pretty, makeup good. Grade: C+
The man himself.... Viggo Mortensen looking mighty handsome in a navy blue tux.
Viola Davis. She looks very nice but I think some sparkles and more glam would have been better for an Oscar Winner. Grade: B+
Taraji looked very elegant. She played it safe and went with a Simple dark navy velvet, off the shoulder with a really beautiful necklace. Grade: A+
Brie Larson. Gorge! Grade: A+
Well folks, that's it! Until next year!
SMOOCHES!
